hafacenturyncounting

Motivated by a lack of material.

Archive for the tag “perspectives”

25 Nov 2012
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Victims

There are so many of them in today’s world. It is frightening to discover who and where they are. One may be surprised to find they, themselves fall right into that category. Yet, I want to be clear that I am addressing victims and not one particular kind (i.e. sexual, violent crime, emotional). It is a physical and emotional state.

One might be surprised to learn that victims victimize, just as abusers abuse.  Let’s start there. No one can protect or help you if you keep it to yourself.

I am having an anxiety attack as I work on this piece. There is a lump in my throat, my chest feels tight and breathing is difficult. The source of this is my own doing, I have to let go though, I have to let nature take it’s course of sorts. I am battling with what needs to be done and what I want to do. I am left to wonder if I did the right thing. I feel abandoned and alone. I search for solace and I know where I must turn. I have confessed and put mine out in the open.

I invite you to concentrate. The invitation was/is more of an order for me though. First, there is no crime in being a victim. If you wrap your mind around that it may be easier to deal with this piece. I hope this writing is a bit of help to someone reading it.

There are really no safe havens. We have to be informed and pro-active, for ourselves and for our children. No longer is this a gender or strength issue, boys are victimized as much if not more than girls. The guilt and shame for both is only compounded by society finding excuses and diagnoses for these acts. There is a decline in the morality of our society, our conscious’ are becoming increasingly numb and insensitive.

Moving away from the horrid explicit acts human beings commit against one another, we find a lesser demon the victim of circumstance. However, we cannot ignore the fact there is an excuse/explanation for this being as well.

Born into the situation or consciously pursuing something or someone that places us in the situation, the common thread here is at some point one has the opportunity to leave the surroundings that make things miserable for them, if they so choose. Why be a victim if you have a choice, one might ask. Safe is the reason. Even though the place or person is bad to you or for you, they reside in a place you know and place that is familiar. You have the companionship of “knowing”, and the known is safer than the unknown for a lot of individuals. Realize while you are locking yourself in the” safe- familiar-place” you are imprisoning yourself as well. You are not simply a victim, you are making and insuring for yourself that status. At the risk of stating the obvious I say/suggest this; make an effort to break away, free yourself… escape….

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , , , ,
25 Nov 2012

TLDR

As I look over and reread the things I have written, I know there are times that I believe I got “long-winded”. Overall I have felt my work has been sufficient to get my point across. Knowing this is merely a blog I want to capture the reader’s attention and hold it long enough for them to finish the piece and interest them enough to make them want to read more.

In a conversation the other day, one of my motivators and inspirations suggested the concept behind the title. I considered it. I said, ” this is possible”. Ultimately, my goal is to do something that is worthy of my expectation. I write from an emotional place, therefore surrounding factors make a impact on my subject matter as well as the content.

A passing thought requires a great deal of explaining with me, thus what I write is what I feel and that is never really simple or short. I want the reader to feel what I am saying, and that takes a little time. If you visit my blog and TLDR comes to mind, this is really not the place for you. You, the one who says TLDR, should have kept going for if you kept reading you would have been pleasantly surprised.

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25 Nov 2012
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Self-Absorbed

After a grueling period in which I played a role I am totally unequipped to play, the state of being self absorbed came to me.. I, in anger and in a bad place, began to systematically place people in my life into this category. During the process I was aware of the fact that I too might fit into this place as well, but I was focused on the people other than me. I needed to do this so I could be angry. Why you may ask would someone want to be angry? It is simple and it is complex. First off when one sacrifices they have a tendency to expect something good to come of the sacrifice. No matter they keep this expectation to themselves. However, we all know that this is not always the case. Being angry was a way for me to vent. I am a dutiful individual, an admirable characteristic if you do not mind the role; on the other hand if you do, what you have is a mean spiteful person who is very capable of doing a great deal of harm. Under the guise of dutiful, contempt and disdain can flourish and grow. These are not good things to cultivate. After mulling over this situation and the parties involved I decided the best thing and simple solution was to let it go. A suggestion for all involved, but it is not that easy. I point this out because I know how I felt. I have grown tired of  “taking the high road” which is often higher and steeper, while others seem to do as the damn-well- please. I also know I could not consciously do the insensitive, mean, wrong thing either. Thus I was left with my anger and my anger was really no different than “their stuff”. “Their stuff”, no matter what it was, had a personal pronoun attached and this is what made the difference.

The thing that makes these behaviours so easily recognized and labeled is they are coming from an outsiders perspective. If I point out YOU are being self-absorbed because you are thinking of “YOUR stuff” and NOT considering ME and what I have to deal with, am I being any less self-absorbed? One has to stop and realize, as one places a label a label is assigned to one as well.

Posted in Order of Appearance and tagged , , , ,
08 Nov 2012

Funny Thing About HOPE

So I woke up feeling a little sorry for myself ready to bitch about it. Then went to my social media “wall” and saw a post about Rush Limbaugh…uuuuuhhhhhh! Foolishly, I went to the Huffington Post article, read what the creep said and scrolled down to the comments. Prepared to be annoyed I read comment after comment telling, Rush in essence, to “head in”! Then I went to a section where there were images of the President and the first lady, Joe Biden and Jill, their families on stage in Chicago election night 2012.There were 101 images and I got through about ten; when it occurred to me this is what MY country looks like, and this is what MY country said. I have hoped, imagined, and dreamed about the images I saw.  Images that represent who WE are and what WE want for our future. “WE, THE PEOPLE”, the diverse, resilient, multi-faceted PEOPLE of The United States of America. The world was watching, knowing what was at stake, AND cheering us on. It was, it is beautiful. For a few moments I forgot what I wanted to complain about and wiped tears of joy from my eyes. Maybe I am feeling optimistic and idealistic this morning (beats what I stared off with). However, this is what HOPE will do. HOPE will make you say this is possible, this can be, and if you are fortunate you get a chance to say I  am experiencing it. “America, The Beautiful”; She is a rainbow, a symbol of God’s promise.  Just a passing thought.

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06 Nov 2012
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An Election To Remember

Every year for the past 12, Lexus has held it’s “December To Remember” Event. It was/is an advertising masterpiece. The holiday style music, the beautiful snowy landscapes, images that have you smelling essence of evergreen Christmas trees and warm vanilla cookies in the kitchen and it all crescendos into the excited, teary eyes realization that someone has gotten damn near the best big ticket present imaginable, if you like that sorta thing. Lexus make me want/ imagine/ believe that one day I too could have the Lexus of my dreams waiting in my snowy driveway, perfectly shoveled clean of course. It doesn’t get any better than that and each time the commercial comes on no matter how hard I try to look away and tell myself, “Lexus is full of it”. My eyes and ears and mind wander or are drawn back to the exact place Lexus wants me to be in. If I had the money, I’d be on a Lexus lot somewhere in Georgia making this MY” December To Remember”.

Needless to say, I believe Lexus’ ad campaign has worked. However, you are probably saying this is a rather lengthy introduction to…. “what is this piece about?” It is about the 2012 Presidential Race. Today is the day when some people will be happy and others not-so-happy. It is not going to be the end of the world, but it will be a new beginning. I take a deep breath as I write this, I have been up since 6 okay 5:50 A.M. I have done everything in my power to stay away from the television and news websites. At this point in time I have been successful but it is not quite 9’o clock in the morning. I, like most of my friends and associates, have work to do. Fortunately, for my state of mind, the schedule is  rather light,  unfortunate for my state of finances though. Nonetheless, I still have time to think. I think back to  a day in November when history was made in this great country of ours. A day when people of color, black people,  sighed a sigh of relief and shed tears of disbelief because a country that had not always been kind to us, a country that had not always been fair to us had a meeting of minds and hearts. A day when a collective cross-sectioned group said, I want this guy to run our nation and I don’t care what he looks like.

I am not a political analyst, I am probably not the most informed individual you will meet. I am passionate though, therefore when I read something or see something on the airways that upsets me, I am more prone to turn it off, close the book on, or move along, than to continue with the prospect I may become incensed. This has not been a clean campaign but I do not think it was the dirtiest either; partially because the President’s opponent could NOT drudge up a significant amount of dirt, but mostly because there isn’t any of significance. No one can question Barack Obama’s character, so they question his birth right. No one can question his intelligence, so they question his decision making. No one can question his ability to lead in dire situations, so they try to take credit away from him and give it to someone/anyone but him. President Obama called for change last time, well his opponents are using that battle cry against him now.

It is perplexing and I am perplexed. I guess it can be summed up    as , “you believe what you want to believe”. I have blamed and/or credited this campaign with everything from my departure from a church I thought I loved to loosing clients. I have argued, debated and pleaded with my husband and sons about the rolls of this election, voting in general, and what it all means. In my small family I have a cynic, a bleeding heart, and a radical. My role is to referee these people, while sifting through MY feelings .

This has been a battle, an emotional roller-coaster for many, myself included. Yet in a few hours it will HOPEFULLY be over. I hope and I pray that it goes the way I want it to go. I have to be honest. I want this to end with me felling like I do when I finish watch one of those Lexus commercials. The music faintly playing from another room and you still can recognize this is in fact one of those commercials, but you are still drawn in. I want to feel like,”WOW.. one day, soon, maybe even tomorrow, AT LAST”, this is possible again.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , , , ,
21 Oct 2012

When It Just Stopped Being Fun

I cannot remember the moment, but one day I recall there was no more joy attached to it. Then there was a sense of emptiness. I didn’t know why. When I finally put my finger on it, there was the feeling of loss. How does one recover from such a thing?

I am going to start with a positive and use it as a mechanism to get us thinking. Cooking… now our generation grew up with some fabulous cooks. We will say mother, grandmother, aunts,  sisters,  for starters(because I realize there are some fathers in this list as well). It was important for us to be able to cook and these ladies saw to it that we did. My family had some great cooks. We had Sunday dinners that were reminiscent of the ones depicted in the movie “Soul Food”. Two of my childhood friends fathers were great cooks in  their own rights.  To say that cooking and food surrounded my life would be an understatement. I  have cooked and baked since I was about 10 years old.

A natural deduction would be I must be a pretty good cook as well, that would be correct. Another one would be I must enjoy cooking, that would be incorrect. You see I was an overweight child; but that didn’t turn me against cooking, if anything it motivated me to do it more and more often. Later I married a man who did not object to cooking, and often took it upon himself to cook because of our working hours. I will give this point as contributory. However, my not enjoying cooking stemmed from what stated this entire dialog.. It just stopped being FUN. Cooking is an art, a talent. It is for sustenance and pleasure. A way of sharing feelings, if you will. It can be sensual, down right joyful, and let’s not forget the all important it just plain tastes good.

What began to happen was I attached a negative to a positive. The food tasted good but it was work,the food tasted good but it put on weight, the food tasted good but there was an easier way to feed the family. The negative took over and won. Instead of finding reasons to cook, I gravitated to the reasons not to. Without warning it happened and it stopped being what it used to be pleasurable, joyous, fun. The purpose still existed, but it was all too serious now.

Acknowledging all the things we experience in our lives are NOT going to bring a smile to our face or a sense of joy in our heart, but some of those the things that can should. Otherwise, they just become yet another task.

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19 Oct 2012
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Bon Anniversaire

First let me  say, I do not speak French. I wish I did, I wish I spoke another language along with English. This post is for my friend “Samantha” :0) I wanted to post this yesterday, because that was actually her birthday. Life interrupted that plan.

Whatever your age, if you are fortunate, you have celebrated a birthday and are still around to talk about it. Some birthdays are great more than you can hope for permanently carved in your memory forever. Others go but as uneventful 24 hour periods. In general most of us have more of the latter. Yet, each year we are filled with expectation and anticipation, whether we admit to it or not.

Landmark birthdays; the 1st one for obvious reasons,  the 12 and/or 13th transitioning the child to the teen years, “sweet 16” truly a girl thing and rather archaic in today’s world, 18 and 21 the cross over point to  respective legal rights. The ones that follow while equally significant, are reminders that we are THANKFULLY getting older. I say thankfully because celebrating another year, being able to complain about more gray hair and wrinkles, beats the hell out of the option.

I  am an autumn baby, I love this time of year. I must confess that as much as I love this time of year, “Sammie” and I shared a text chuckle about how jacked up our birth month usually is for the both of us. It made me feel connected and it made me feel good that I was not the only one who felt happy they had seen another birthday, but couldn’t wait for the month it is celebrated in was gone.

Anticipation, expectation every thing that goes wrong is magnified with the unconscious thought, “and of all days/months this one”. This one being the magical, glorious day/month of your birth. How can that be? I’ll tell you, we are delusional. I know I was/am. For years as a working individual I would make it my business NOT to work on my birthday.why because it was my birthday. You don’t work on your birthday, but if you go back to the actual day your were born on… it was probably a laborious one, Cesarian or natural.

My point is the days we face come as they may, are equally good or bad no matter when they occur. Do they culminate on “our” day… maybe, but that has more to do with our state of mind than what actually is happening. So I say, CELEBRATE absolutely,  but take some of that same joy with you everyday and thank the Almighty that He has allowed you to see, yet another day.

Happy Birthday, “Sammie”! I hope it was… well know what I hope.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , , , , ,
27 Sep 2012
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Proceed With Caution

Have you ever seen that sign while driving or even walking. What do you do? Generally, I look around  survey the area to catch a glimpse of whatever it is that I need to either know about or completely avoid. However, sometimes the adventurous daredevil in me just tosses the caution to the wind. Funny how that decision is split second, hardly worth a notice, but it can have devastating results.

On one hand you hear “caution” saying, “you can never be too careful”. Running the risk of walking into known or likely unsavory situation makes one question ones sanity. The other voice “chance” says, ” go on give it a whirl”. I like to think of “caution” as the person who obeys MOST of the rules; she follows instructions and expects the results to demonstrate her actions. Her alter ego “chance” is ever ready; new and dangerous things means anticipation and excitement.

So you dive in so to speak after a period of pros and cons have been run through in your head. If you are lucky you will find it was not nearly as bad as you thought. As a matter of fact it is good, and you question the fear and apprehension. Flames reignited, close relations restored, lest we forget there was a separation and ties were severed.

How and why do you do this? What did you learn? As a starting point you realize there is something valuable at stake that is worth the extra or renewed effort and the lesson of “taking things for granted” is an invaluable one. The fear and apprehension, which were cloaked behind your personal guilt and sorrow, disappear like pixie dust magically. Now how about that for a happy ending and we can never have too many of those.

Posted in Order of Appearance and tagged , ,
01 Jul 2012

It’s Not For You To Say

Johnny Mathis had a song, “It’s Not For Me To Say” in the song he sings about how it is not his place to talk about certain things(love of course) at this particular time. Well for the era in which the song was popular our society was attempting to appear more modest and non-controversial. It stands to reason a song like that would be popular. It made it clear the relationship would go along slowly, but at the pace in which his lover felt comfortable with and of course what was proper.

Fast forward, today people seem to take for granted that one will say whatever is on one’s mind. There is a failure to recognize some of the same people you are in relationships with were raised by or exposed to the generation which lived a sheltered life. My psyche is held captive by what I was exposed to, and no matter how hard I attempt to be as society is presently, my hesitations come from that which was all to familiar to me during my formative years.

Upon further investigation I found that people find it very easy or palatable to be able to render judgment upon themselves in a positive light and if they are fortunate enough to be in a close relationship with an individual who has adopted some of the same philosophies that I carry with me, “they” are home free. I am not saying the neither “I” or another person who thinks like I do on these subjects are push-overs. I am merely pointing out there are some areas that you are probably getting a pass on  a particular behavior you possess.

Think about it ho many times do you think, “I haven’t been a particularly good spouse in relation to _____” or “My  parenting skills could use a bit more _______ ” or “I bet my parents would like to see me do ________”. Be honest we all can convince ourselves we are the best we can be, and if the individual who should truly be the barometer for this remains silent it is that much more simple. However, are you really being truthful and upfront with self here? This is the place where it is for you consult and confer with the other party(ies), question is will you.

Relationships have certain obligations attached to them and if you are in one you are therefore obliged. Since this is the case I will task each of us; every-so-often ask if you are truly being a good”whatever”, don’t be combative or defensive look at this as a fact finding exercise. On the part of the other individual of whom you are in a relationship with;  everyone is entitled to honesty, you don’t have to be nasty though. With cards on the table no one can say, “I didn’t know, why didn’t you tell me, or ” I should not have to ask/tell, but I will”.

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01 Jul 2012
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Up Popped “Happy”

It is true about the state of being happy. Smile and the world smiles with you… Laughter is contagious

As silly as it may sound and seem, I wanted to be angry. I had been damaged and no one could truly appreciate what I was going through. This was a bad day and there seemed to be no end in sight. Each demonstration of concern only made me sink deeper and deeper into my personal “hell”. I felt dark and my writing was dark as well. I thought “No one will want to read this s%$@!” I completely understood why so I refrained from writing.

On my way to do yet another daunting task, another nail in the coffin, one more testimony to my hard-knock-life I came upon my neighbor as he was walking his wonderful little West Highland Terrier(my all time favorite dog).  I was going to wave and keep on driving, but some strange force made me roll my window down in order for me to actually speak. After the ritual “hellos” he asked about my spouse and as the adage goes, “It not what you say, but the way you say it…” well that says it all.

As I talked briefly with this concerned neighbor, I laughed to myself as I recalled how terribly upset these two men were with each other behind a difference in political views not so very long ago. Yet, there was a display of genuine concern and it was consistently ongoing. Each time he saw me and we talked, the concern was there. It just took a different form this evening, this evening there was something in his voice and mannerism that was a tap on the shoulder for me. They obviously had found some happy medium amongst themselves and now when one of  them was down the other felt a sense of loss. The human spirit is amazing. All I had been thinking/ could think of was how terrible things were for me, but in an instant light shone forth, I found a little happy.  The smile stayed with me as I drove out of our sub-division. I noticed what a clear beautiful summer evening we were having. Conscious overtook me and tried to shake me with,” Hey don’t you see what is happening here, you’re forgetting all about your worries”.

However,  this was so good to me I fought off the reality check and wallowed in the happy feeling just a bit longer. I had what I was searching for; a place to rest those rambling, hostile thoughts which ran interference for sadness and a feeling of hopelessness. Now the problems did not disappear, they did not even get smaller what happened in those few moments was there was realization that I will get through this.

What about it folks, did you get what happened here? The Lord never promised us life would be easy, but He said He would never leave us alone. I could have never imagined, would have never thought that my renewed strength would come in the form of a simply neighborly conversation, that I was almost successful in avoiding. I had no idea how,when, or even if things would get better for me in even the slightest way.  But God did.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , , ,

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