hafacenturyncounting

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Archive for the category “How We Relate”

13 Apr 2026

They Challenge Us To Be Better

We all have a person in our lives to make us aware of the right thing to do, even when we are NOT trying to rise above it all.

There I was ready to relay a story, but I did not have anyone to tell it to. Audience is major when you perform, present, relay information This was the second time in a matter of days that I felt this way. Another dilemma I faced was sharing and my story being misinterpreted. I had to be deliberate and selective. I knew who I wanted to share with, but the trust factor was undeniable. My other choices I felt would not appreciate the seriousness of the matter. However, I was about to burst!

I want to believe I am a good person. Harmless. If I cannot help you, I certainly will not harm you. Yet, I am well aware of the fact that I am very much human. I battled with the first incident. Each time I saw one of the individuals I wanted to share my story with, I kept questioning what I was willing to sacrifice. I actually like each of the people, but I felt unsure of how much I trusted them. I decided my story was better kept to myself. After all, if you were not familiar with the “players” you would have had to be there.

The next story was personal. It was all about preference in dating and specifically mine. I do not feel like I have to defend that and I am honest and open about that. Needless to say, most of us know when a person is interested in them. In spite of making my choices clear, I was still approached. Sometimes it is laughable sometimes it is annoying. This situation was becoming annoying. Yet I was not willing to simply cut ties. He simply held a job in an industry that I refuse to consider in looking for a companion. He said he was fine with being friends, platonic friends. He was also slightly arrogant. I took on the “you asked for it” attitude.

I told my story to one of my moral compasses, her reaction let me know that I would not share it or the other situation with the second person I held in high esteem. She made it clear she did not approve. It silenced me. I did not expect such a judgmental response, but she truly is a good human. I found myself filled with regret, regret in doing what I did and regret for entertaining the idea of the next step. She thought I was not happy that I had shared the information with her and I would filter future stories…nothing could be farther from the truth. You see she reeled me back in. I was not sure that I would meet with something equally bad, but she made me think about who I actually am. Unapologetic but I did feel bad that I was allowing myself to be reduced to that type of being. It did not matter how I justified it.

I returned to the first incident. I realized that I would just have to let it go. I also knew I really did not want to. Therefore, what I needed to work on was the desire to gravitate towards the negative. What I needed was my friend to shake me into realizing I cannot have it both ways. I cannot be a good person and continue to play in the not-so-good person’s area. She forced me to look at this in a fashion that made it impossible to ignore, and she also made me look at that individual i was at that point in time. I did not like what I saw.

We humans carry an assortment of emotions and attitudes, but if we are constantly pushing and placing the responsibility elsewhere then if things end up in conflict to our liking, we have to assume some responsibility. We don’t always want that. These good folks, these moral compasses, remind us of these facts. They truly challenge us to be better.

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08 Apr 2026

Proportionately Smaller

I stood patiently (not really but visually that was the case) in line at my favorite bath and body works store; I thought,” Why didn’t I just go to the counter before these two!?” I had a chance but no I had to walk around one more time, just in case I missed some-little-thing. I saw them interacting in my peripheral vision, just waiting for someone to notice them. Were they mother, daughter, and grandbaby in arms? Were they two good friends on a shopping venture? I didn’t know, I didn’t care. What I did I know, I was annoyed far beyond what I was willing to display. 30 years working for the Federal Government taught me the virtue of patience. Don’t think what I possess is admirable, it is merely a tool. A tool that allows me to NOT expend my energy on things that are ultimately pointless. Yet as I stood waiting, I could not help but notice the one I would call the mother. She was wearing a short set. It was cute, she was tiny. However, she was wearing block high heels.

My mind wandered as the transaction seemed to go on endlessly. Little attention was paid to this woman because she was, for lack of a better term, an acceptable height. She was non-threatening, because she did not take up a great deal of space. No one or nothing was disrupted, because she was present. The balance was NOT thrown off due to her basically blending in. I then thought of how less than 24 hours earlier I was “teased” about how short my skort/split skirt was. When in actuality my outfit was no shorter than what this woman wore. I have developed a Teflon coating, if you will, when it comes to what I appear like. You see, people like me are held to a different standard. We give a bit of a real illusion. Like the words illuminated on some side mirror of vehicles…”object may appear closer…” With folks like me, particularly women, we may appear larger than life. Then one is left with what is the definition of or the defining point when you say, “larger than life”. Yet from the vantage point of those who are proportionately smaller, we do not fit.

Quick facts 2-3% of the GLOBAL population is 6 feet tall.in the United States 14.5% of men are 6ft and 1% of the women. The average height of the American man is 5’9″ and the American woman is 5’3.5″. These are rough estimations from internet sources. Still, I say look around your immediate environment, that will tell you a story. For the record I am 5’10” in this instance, I AM proportionately smaller.

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05 Apr 2026

For The Benefit of Your Company

I listen to the stories. I read articles about how difficult and distant we are with one another when it comes to dating. I honestly don’t believe that dating can be defined by most of the standards we, baby boomers grew up with. This is a precarious situation to be in because many of us are in the status that requires us to date. Note; if you are satisfied with your status, of course this does not apply to you. I hate that I feel the need to interact/include individuals that I am not necessarily addressing.

I will be general and basic. What do you want in dating? What do you hope to accomplish? Are you being honest with yourself and the possible companion? Dating used to be so easy when we were teens/young adults. Now we need background checks, medical records and credit reports. Again, depending on what you want.

I tell myself and others, “Whatever it is you are wanting there is someone who can fit or work for you”. Alterations may have to be made but ultimately as resourceful humans this is NOT an impossible task. However, I know more unhappy, unfulfilled, lonesome people than I care to. They are smart, financially stable, emotionally available, attractive or any combination of these characteristics. Men say women are users, women say men are children who want their way. Again general, basic, and oversimplified. Yet it does cover a good cross section of our “eligible daters” category.

We have a perceived sense of time and availability working against us. These are great hardships to overcome. However, say for the sake of argument, we get past those two factors smoothly sailing on our way to bliss and suddenly we find ourselves ” run aground and shipwrecked”! We ask, ” How did we end up here?” Afterall, we made a good choice, we screened this person very thoroughly… what was missed. I think we should start with truth. How honest were we? Honesty with the other individual. Honesty about expectations. Honesty with self. I believe without this basic taken care of, our relationships are built like a house of cards and ultimately, they WILL fail.

As I look back on my trek in the dating world, I realize my journey has taken quite a few twists and turns. I also realize that I had a great deal of self-discovery to uncover. I did not plan on being here, but I am here just the same. I navigated the best way I could, I did not mean to go down certain roads, but I found myself there anyway. Ideally, we should come to this table with a clean slate. Not saying that we have not had any experiences, but we have exorcized the demons of previous relationships, and we are willing to venture out with pure intentions. Yeah, I am a hopeless romantic

Truth is you can do everything right and still end up in the same place as an individual who does everything wrong, for all the wrong reasons. Now you ask yourself, why bother, what is the purpose? My answer is as follows: for intelligent conversations, for belly laughs, for the warmth of an embrace, for the sweetness of passionate kisses, in short for the benefit of your company.

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05 Apr 2026

Birds of A Feather…

Now more than ever I find myself referencing proverbs. So much can be taken from these sayings and applied to life. Thus, the title of this piece. For the everyday person what we do, how we do it, and when we do it is of little or no reverence to anyone beside those in our immediate circle. It is different for those who qualify as celebrities and public figures. Their thoughts, actions and opinions are subject to immediate and harsh reaction. However, today, everyone has access to something that can give us a level of celebrity, the classification of public figure. With that being said what are we doing with this influence, this power? What do we expect of others that have this same power either actual or implied?

The United States has continuously been a nation that passes judgement on other nations about the moral temperature of other such nations. Now we have an individual representing “our nation” that is far from positive (I will leave it there). We expect people/others to follow our lead, even when our lead is looking quite “jaded”. For wat it is worth, my opinion on my blog is subject to judgement, but there is no promise/implication that the opinions will be given significant consideration…just like every other opinion piece out there.

Most recently we have Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas aligning herself with the likes of Kid Rock, a political party, an individual who is identified as the leader of OUR nation. ALL who/which have time and again said, as well as demonstrated, there is little or no concern for “people” in general as well as specifically (minorities women, immigrants) They choose favoritism over fair. They select money over well-being. At the end of the day, they let all who do not think, feel act, function JUST like them, there is NO ROOM for you in this country that is characterized as, Of the people, by the people, for the people. All the while there is an expectation that we continue to do as we did before this information was revealed, support THEM (especially financially). Yet when they do something that is so overtly disgusting, their defense is ignorance and innocence. They did not know or the information was accidentally posted…. Sound familiar? (e.g. Obama insulting/doctored photos, conspiracy theories, monetary contributions)

YES, individuals have a right to vote for, support whomever, they choose… On the flip side of that people have the same right, and if that means we no longer want to be fans, followers, etc. so be it. That is a chance you take. Please do not take for granted that a base you pandered to is NOT bright enough to see through your facade (Chilli) or feigned ignorance (well maybe it is not completely feigned).

A couple of condensed ” take-aways” here. First, the individual listed is NOT the only one. Next, your when you are in the public eye your choices do have consequences and they are costly. Finally, weigh your actions and look closely at who is your real support. Govern yourself accordingly. See who comes to your concert tours now.

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25 Nov 2025

I Wanna Be Where You Are

There it is in the title a short synopsis of belonging, but it is wide open and vague.

I recently joined a group I found to be exciting and befitting for me. I l immediately was drawn to it because of the name. The name suggested even more that this was a group I not only wanted to be a part of, I needed to be a part of. They exemplified “my tribe“. Therefore, I joined. There were a couple of things required of new members and I had what was needed… I submitted the info and I was accepted.

I smiled rather smugly because I felt accomplished and victorious. I scrolled around my group. I looked at photos read profiles and introductions. Then it happened. I came across an individual who did not meet with the standards I read. I did not acknowledge this individual but observed the responses of others. After all I was new, perhaps I had missed something. I refrained from contacting the administrators at first but did eventually pose the question, “Why is this person here?” However, it was more of a statement than a question because the group was majority against this individual’s presence than for it. Before I could get a reply, here comes another and another. Soon I am reading things like, “Why is this literally the only thing this group talks about?” I am not asking that question because it is predominately being asked by people who do not fit the criterion. I had another question.

Why do you want to be someplace or among individuals who do not want you there? That sounds harsh, it is not, it is factual. I thought of a number of scenarios where I felt I was going down the rabbit hole with discrimination screamed at me, but that was extreme. However, I still had to at the very least glance at it. What if I were at the helm and a case were brought before me? Could I really justify an injustice with the basic question…Why do you want to be where you are NOT wanted? However, this is NOT about justice itis about exclusivity and the right to exclusivity has oftentimes been used or misused for the sake of injustice.

In our instant gratification society, we really do not have time to read and thoroughly examine what we think we are getting into. Many of us skim and scan through contracts, articles, stories. We grab a hold of what gets OUR attention, call it the main idea and we are “off to the races”. The trouble/danger in this practice is what if we miss something and what do we do when/if this occurs?

My group caught my attention with one word… A word I have heard all of my life. I took it and RAN! The word TALL. All I needed to see was that word, all I needed to do was skim and scan because at 5’10” I KNEW I fit the bill. Nearly every important, significant, phenomenal female friend/relative was/is shorter than I am. This did not bother me in an overt sense. When I did take a closer look as I suspected, I was right. The snobbery and arrogance took over. Is that shocking? The abused oftentimes become the abusers. Plus being a TALL as a woman is viewed quite differently than it is being a TALL as a man. Stature scrutiny versus stature status.

Now I am looking at posts deciding which ones I would or would not respond to and this WAS based on what I determined to be what the rules were AND how I interpreted what I read. Before I wanted to publicly address this, I wanted to have facts, information, and YES ammunition. If I am honest, I wanted the criteria to keep our group exclusive. I wanted to enjoy us without being inundated with folks that aren’t a part of our tribe. Yet the very thing that kept me from posting comments without research was the same thing that made me reexamine what I saw/interpreted/read. The founder put verbiage in the group that states what the standards for height and admission is, but the caveat is “all are welcome“.

Therefore, one must ask oneself; do you want to be a part of a group you thought was exclusive, had positives, things you were looking for, or do you want to exit it, as you would have had the ones YOU thought did not belong should. If I had my way, prior to closely reading what was being expressed by the group’s founder, many who are near and dear to my heart could not attend functions that my group might be hosting. Was that really what I wanted? The group founder says, “all are welcome”… I’m still here.

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25 Nov 2025

A Bitter Black Babe?

“What’s her problem”, you might ask. What does she look like? It cannot be all that bad. However, what if it is? How many rejections and disappointments must one endure? How many of these same things does it take to equal bitter? Will the answers to these questions explain what truly has occurred? Who gets to say what is and is not bitter?

Dating is exhausting. There are no fast tracks to “the one“. Honesty is an accessory which is in high demand, in spite of it being costly. Couple that with, it may be providing you with a false positive. This means; just because you are given a bit of truth, does NOT mean you are NOT dealing with a liar. Then we delve into what constitutes a liar and/or a lie. See why dating is exhausting. We must present and sell ourselves in a fashion that should lead to connecting with a companion who is “like-minded’ … a good match. Still, we find ourselves captured in the “storm of confusion”.

One needs to take periodic breaks; you need to step back and re-evaluate your decisions and situations. Cliches have to be looked at as advice to seriously consider. “You get what you give, garbage in garbage out“, all the while trying to explain, justify, understand how these things pertain to you. It is both sobering and numbing. As we spend our valuable time figuring out things, we look up and realize how much time has been wasted. For in the end many of us end up back at square one. Older= yes, wiser= possibly, bitter=chances are…

One has to ask how do, smart, accomplished, educated, talented, beautiful, kind, caring women end up competing for “Ned the wino” or worse? Make no mistake “Ned” is fully aware he is in demand too. One can keep fighting, hoping, wishing, praying, dreaming of the elusive one. One can come to terms with the one may have passed her by or there simply is not one that fits the criteria she set up. All of these scenarios do bring you back to the bitter black babe. Is there justification for the phenomenon, sure but that does not make it any easier to accept. Whether one is the recipient or the provider, the “sting” is very real.

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19 Oct 2025

While You Are Busy Making Plans

John Lennon said, ” Life is what happens while you are busy making plans.” I loved John. I loved “The Beatles”. In 1980 when the news of John’s murder hit the news, I felt the sadness of loss. I had no idea what was ahead for me. I was single, no children and my immediate family was intact. John’s words would become a part of me in a whirlwind of events. I would watch in a sort of out of body experience, with the narration being made up of that simple yet prophetic statement.

Speeding into the future, the everyday drudgery of life; it all seems unremarkable. Looking back, I believe it was actually “setting the stage for the next acts”. We will take it a decade at a time, for days, even years seem overwhelming to recount.

From 1980 thru 1990 I married, had two children and lost my father. From 1990 thru 2000 my family moved away from everything we were familiar with to another state, and I had a child graduate from high school. 2000 thru 2010 my other child graduate from high school, the 1st black president was elected, and I became a grandmother. 2010 thru 2020; a second grandchild was welcomed into the family. Then I lost a great portion of my immediate family, my mother, my youngest son, my younger brother, and my husband. I lost sight of who I was because that person no longer existed, only portions of her remained and she was unrecognizable. 2020 thru present; a pandemic, I retired, what remained of my immediate family, and I left the state we had settled in for 30 years.

August 2025 a reminder of the pain of loss returned; my brother-in-law passed away. I always liked Calvin. In my mind I had lost all the people that I could bare, and I should not have to lose anyone else. The logical thought is that I would go before anyone else, but I aint logical. I feel like the universe has wronged me and I get to say how it will make things right. I am not an idiot, though as I write this, I know how irrational I sound. However, it sounds, it is the expression of how I feel. This kind of loss is a reminder how fragile life is. This kind of loss is a trigger that takes me back to the times that a familiar type of hurt was encompassing my life. It is familiar, but that does not soften the blow or the shock. Part of the resilience of humans is that we retain hope and that hope makes us insulate from certain pain, even if the insulation is a temporary loss of memory.

I wish I had something ironic or profound to end this with, I don’t. Instead I will leave you with words you have likely heard/read before. “Live each day is though it were your last, for it may very well be.” It is wonderful to have a plan, but always keep in mind that you have to factor in LIFE and that adds an entirely different dynamic to your plan.

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07 Apr 2025

Blessed With Longevity, Cursed With Life

As the decades pass, sometimes we sit still and realize what this means. Our time on the planet is no longer measured in increments whose boundaries can be confined to 365 days. We have now accumulated enough of those periods to be placed in another category.

When I started hafacenturyncounting, I was only five decades into my journey. I clearly remember being a child and marveling at, as well as being astonished by someone who was 50 years old! Now the “ncounting ” is taking on a new life with new meaning. Senior days at respective retail stores, AARP membership, social security, and retirement benefits define me. Now I laugh about this at times, now I marvel at this too, and then there are the occasions when the brutality of aging smacks me in the face.

Let me tell you why I laugh. I find it funny and ironic when I speak about “older people” and catch myself because I AM NOW one of the older people. I wonder how this happened and how I could possibly forget or overlook who I am. As close as I can come to an explanation and/or admission is that I do not consciously identify with my group. I don’t look like an “older person“, except the fact that my hair is gray/graying. I could fix that with a wig, or I could color my hair, but I really don’t want to. Alright, so I guess I do possess a characteristic associated with an “older person“.

Now let me tell why I marvel at being a part of the “older people’s group”. I find myself looking at the generation(s) right behind ours and saying or thinking, ” What in the world or Why are they so….” No need to finish the sentence or thought, it is not positive. Yet the marvel and irony come to mind as I remember when my parents’ generation and beyond thought and said the very same things about us.

Then there is facing the brutality of the aging process. I have always been a very healthy person. This has been a good fortune I still possess. I am aware that as the numbers (chronological age) increase the possibility and probability of change in one’s physical self becomes more likely. Yet being spared the reality of pain and discomfort has allowed me to disregard them. Trust me I was reminded how rapidly things like your physical condition can change. I did not like it either.

Overall, one must acknowledge these little irritations and irregularities are a part of the blessing of living longer. Longevity comes at a price. That price can be viewed as small in comparison to the alternative. When that fact comes to the forefront appreciate what is being gifted to you and accept that eventually we all end up at the same destination.

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16 Mar 2025

Nuthin in New Bern

This is not to be insulting or offensive. It is an observation that takes into account personal preferences and choices.

A beautiful little city in Eastern North Carolina, I came to live here because my eldest son was offered a promotion. He asked me if I wanted to move with his family here. Due to the fact that I am a widow, and we lost his younger brother in 2018, he knew I had nothing tying me to Atlanta that would take precedence over my remaining immediate family. It was a “no brainer”. Therefore, I made the decision to head “north”.

Upon our arrival here I was taken with the cuteness. There were unique little shops, there was familiar retail and loads of eateries. The demographic was quite different from Metro Atlanta, but on the other hand I embraced things like very little traffic and close proximity to the beach. Fast forward over 3 years later. Life happens, as it just does. My son and his family moved back to the Atlanta area. My moving back was not as “simple” as theirs was. I was enrolled in college classes; I had a lease, and my retirement income while adequate for New Bern very well could/would/may present a challenge that I was not really prepared to deal with. I am now basically alone with Nuthin In New Bern.

As seniors we all have a very real possibility of being ALONE somewhere, at some time in our futures. We may either outlive or outlast our people and/ or circumstances. I speak with my 93-year-old “play mother”(she is actually my younger sister’s official godmother, but she was my mom’s best friend for decades of mom’s life. She is family) daily. This out-living/out lasting is her “plight”. As I examine my circumstances, I feel the need to sound off the warning signal. When I speak of my “play mother’s” plight it is yet another observation of how varied we are as Baby Boomers. It is also worthy of notice. Be it health, finances, tragic events; we have years of experience in life to deal with changes. However, we have undergone many changes that may take us off track. As we have aged, we naturally have taken on some of the characteristics of aging, whether we want to or not. The adage of “teaching an old dog new tricks” takes on a new light when you find you are not only embracing that line of thinking, but you’re also living it.

The graces that youth provides us with, are no longer benefits we “hold the papers to”. I am a bit adventurous and nomadic, but now my new “friends (limitations and mobility)” trailing behind me, closing in on me, and they are just waiting to join my caravan of life. I have to mount an offensive. This state of “being alone” gives you an opportunity to do a great deal of thinking… too much thinking at times. For an overthinker it is not necessarily a good thing. However, the flip side is my mind shall not be “a workshop for the devil”.

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21 Nov 2024

Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

I should have known better. I should have seen this coming. Tell me the one thing you hope no one ever says or thinks about you. When you find yourself faced with that very thing, that very thought, what do you do. Will you let pride and ego drag you down the path of destruction of sorts?

Sometimes you get blindsided. I asked myself the question, I told myself, for the most part, I do not care what people think about me. I also realize on some levels that is NOT true. I am confrontational, I am judgmental, I am also respectful and exercise tact. I kept hearing over and over again how there was no need to worry about me, because I will be alright. She can/will handle it. As time went on, I wondered if that was/those assessment were because that is truly how I am viewed/seen/perceived or was this a way of getting folks that I may have turned to off the hook.

Making it your business NOT to say or do things for reaction in your personal life is far different than what you have been taught to do in your business life. Yet the two worlds entwine and intermingle.

You find yourself in a place of insignificance and disregard. It does NOT feel good. Individuals that once turned to you for advice and assistance, do not notice it has been several days since they communicated with you. When they do communicate, they do NOT take time to hear or listen to you. At first you may not even notice this is happening. Then as time goes on and it occurs more and more, what do you do? Do you approach it and try to identify where the break has manifested, or do you ignore it and hope the other individual has a revelation/comes to their senses and makes everything right?

In your work world you exercise tact and operate in a place that gives individuals the benefit of the doubt. If they do not respond the solution can be a simple discussion or as drastic as them losing their job. However, unlike in your personal life, the cards are placed on the table.

I was much better at this when I was younger, but now with a panic attack under my belt I am realizing I must care for me. I cannot let things happen. I cannot wait for the other shoe to drop.

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