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Archive for the month “May, 2026”

17 May 2026

Dear Anger

With your bad disposition and bad timing, I find myself STILL in your company. You represent yet another aspect of life, the life of which we have little to no control over. I have to look at how you have changed throughout my life. Once identified and characterized by outbursts and sour faces, you now know how to disguise yourself. You lurk in corners of my psyche. I have gotten so used to you being around I rarely acknowledge you. However, in my subconscious you wreak havoc. Most of the time you sit silently, you wait to come out. When you do appear, it is a sudden jolt of lightening. You are powerful and overwhelming. You sear what feels like the very life from one’s body. Once you have done that you move outward.

In your grips logic is bypassed. Small things become huge and every aspect of life is a confrontation. You fight, grab and claw your way out of me. You then drag me along on your path of destruction. The road being repaired is so heat filled I can barely get through the traffic without questioning the sanity of whomever decided NOW was the time to fix it. When I reach my destination, I park away from everyone with intention, I do not want to talk or even engage with anyone. For even in this maddening state alongside/accompanied by you I realize any contact necessary or not could prove confrontational. I know that YOU will not be the image that sticks with the unfortunate souls who have the misfortune of being in my orbit at this time. All they will recall is the scowl and rage on MY face. They will not think anger is guiding her, they will think SHE is just so angry. They will not see you as the manifestation of the grief journey I am on. It will be simplified to just me.

Dear Anger when will you be an occasional visitor rather than a resident in my soul. I do not fool myself into believing that you will depart from me forever, but I so want to be able to exist, and you NOT be such an impactful part of my very being. Fleeting instead of familiar, you rise within me almost to the surface where you could be expelled, you churn and swirl around for what seems to be an eternity. The pressure of your force is unbearable and then you begin to withdraw. The intensity seems to lessen. You have not departed you have merely changed direction. You have no real course intended; your only intention is to do the same things you have been doing, exerting yourself to let me know I am not in control of you. Then I am made aware that I need to be.

Posted in VILOMAH and tagged , | Leave a comment
16 May 2026
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You Can’t Even Feel Bad About It

Looking at your phone, the two of you agreed to meet at the appointed time, which is 20 minutes passed already. The waiter has already filled your water glass. You look around and now you are getting slightly uncomfortable. Now you realize why restaurants will not seat you until your entire party arrives. We are going to leave this scene for a bit, but we will come back.

Everyone wants honesty, everyone wants things to be defined. Yet when you get right down to it neither, seems to be further from the truth. I watched a movie called The Invention of Lying; it was funny as well as ironic. Many times, funny and ironic are used interchangeably in this case they both had a place in the film. It explored a world where people said exactly what was on their minds, not to be hurtful, just in an “as-a-matter-of-fact” presentation the TRUTH. Never experiencing life in that fashion it made you think, what would it actually be like if lying was never a consideration or option. Could our society maintain itself in an environment that made people responsible for their actions on the most basic levels.

Dating is about finding a suitable person who can do a number of things. The problem is what things one wants another person to do or be. Will the person be agreeable to those things, can you tell that person exactly what your wants and expectations are, do you actually know? I think the least of the infractions that could occur with these three questions would be the result of do you actually know what you want from another person.

I believe we are under the impression we know what it is that we want from another person, that is until that other person becomes real to us. By that I mean, the ideas and expectations look good on paper. When a person enters into our lives, they are no longer that apparition out in space. This person is right in front of you. This may sound and seem rudimentary but indulge me for just a moment. You never know what you get until you invest a little something, be it time, effort, money. We make purchases of clothing from the rack, until we are able to have our clothing tailor made. We know and expect the same things from items that have very different beginnings and requirements. When the item from the rack falls short, we are not happy, but we take into consideration where the item came from. However, when that tailor made piece does not live up to our expectations, it is “all-out war”. I think this is habitual and we apply these principles to other aspects of our lives, particularly finding a mate.

Back to our scene; do you save face and simply order, throw in the towel and leave, or do you wait a little bit longer. While you ponder these choices this well-groomed individual with fabulous features appears at the table and says your name with a question mark and a smile that light up the room. You fold; you tell yourself whatever is necessary to justify what will happen next AND you can’t even feel bad about it.

Posted in Dating 6.0, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , ,
15 May 2026
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What’s The Worst That Could Happen?

Have you ever thought about what could go wrong about one thing or another? Do you wonder why those types of thoughts occur to you? Preparation or paranoia, it happens. You see none of us wants to be blindsided. If we do not entertain the possibility that something could go wrong, we could be surprised. When one thinks of surprises the first thought is not of something bad, but indulge me this, a surprise is nothing more than that which you were NOT prepared for. Furthermore, the unprepared for can be good or bad. That fact, in and of itself, makes one look at the idea of a surprise a bit differently.

I try to imagine that which would steer me away from something I think I want. The first thing you have to do is realize what it is within you that has the desire, want, need for this particular person or thing. You have to delve into the why. Why this particular thing, why this particular individual? That answer will serve as a guide to what your mindset is, what is the next move? How long are you willing to continue on a path that you have already invested some time with.

Emotionally speaking, one’s feelings could be hurt. You could end up with a broken heart; you could end up embarrassed and feel shame beyond what you could ever imagine. If we were dealing with something tangible such as a piece of property, a car, etc. the loss will likely be monetary. This too can also bring up and emotional response though we are really not focusing on things. What’s the worst that could happen is of course a matter of perspective. We toss perspective around like a ball, but it is a very important barometer. What we think and feel versus what actually is taking place.

Now we have isolated the “why”. Does it get easier? I think what it gets/becomes is easier to identify because of the characteristics being revealed. That doesn’t necessarily make the thought process, which is laden with fear, any easier. Now we have the person/ event and the why, yet the solution and final result still are in question. We still circle back to perspective; what can happen versus what really does happen. Therefore, the worst that could happen rests in “our hands” so to speak: at least the part that we can control, our actions and reactions.

Posted in Dating 6.0 and tagged , ,
03 May 2026
1 Comment

Dear Pain

Once again, I wake up and here you are. I am not surprised by your presence. You are not welcomed by me, nor are you welcome. Yet here you reside with me.This is beginning like a familiar song. What is it that you want from me? You are silent and unchanging, for the most part. I respond to your presence in every way possible, but at the same time do not acknowledge you. How is it that this can occur? You are an enigma. I want to figure you out. Perhaps if I can explain your existence, I will be able to explain you away. Maybe my being able to understand aspects of you will bring the clarity I need, and you will leave me.

Dear Pain, I remember when you did not exist. I did not have to think about you, and I did not have to factor you and your existence into my life. I would catch a glimpse of you and hear a story of you from others close to me. I knew all I wanted to know about you. However, it was not personal, and I guess it was not enough for you.

Early one Sunday morning you came to see me and get personal… I was born on a Sunday. I lost my mother and son on respective Sundays after those days represented so much less to me. YOU made me very aware of you. YOU are invasive and controlling. You came back around when leukemia and lung cancer took my younger brother and my husband, within months of each other, which set you up for a long period of residency in my heart, soul, and mind… YOU seemingly do not want to leave or leave me alone. I try not to let you run and ruin my life, but you take up so much of my life. Time, space, are meaningless because you are in the way.

Where do I go from here? I want nothing more than for you to be gone. For you to be absent means that the reason you are with me would be gone, but it is not as simple as that. You were not invited, but you came anyway. You are NOT welcome, but you stay. It is NOT enough to say one wants something; it is incumbent upon us all to take action in order to make that/those something(s) happen. Dear Pain just go away. Please.

Posted in Ecumenically Speaking and tagged , , ,

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