hafacenturyncounting

Motivated by a lack of material.

Archive for the month “May, 2013”

Eulogy

We are here today to lay to rest this love. It was a love that was thought to be infinite and ever enduring. However over the years it has suffered miserably.

As it lays silently before you it is impossible to forget how vibrant it once was. Filled with fun, excitement, and passion.  You could not wait to be in this loves’ presence, and moments after you parted you missed it as though years had passed. The only thing that kept you going was anticipation of your next encounter. You recall cool moonlit nights, warm breezy afternoons, and early mornings with love that would take you through the day.

Then it began to fade;  the onset of its death was painful, but as time went on it became terribly predictable. At first it hurt, then it became routine, soon you couldn’t even tell whether or not any life was left. What was most tragic is when the finality of it all took place you didn’t feel a thing, not even a flutter. Now that is gone the most significant thing about it in your mind is that it is dead. Therefore, as you lay it to rest this day the kindest thing you can do is  to say “good-bye”.

Deep Dark Chocolate

It shouldn’t be any other way. I grew up loving chocolate. Hershey invaded my life very early. When there was Russell Stover’s candy in the house it was the assorted chocolate box; at that time in my life all I knew about dark chocolate was it was the last candy I would eat, and that was through sheer desperation. The one exception,  which by the way still remains in tact, was OREOS. I cannot say enough about those cookies, so I will only say you love um or you’re not all there.

Time moves on, you grow and you tastes change, but my love of  milk chocolate remained pure. Pure, really, milk chocolate is cocoa in one of  it’s most processed form. I  do have to give honorable mention to the so-called white chocolate and it’s rich texture, even though the extreme sweetness over takes any substantial flavor. Now as our waistlines increase and blood pressure rises, we all know that dark chocolate has a hosts of positive affects. Yet it is difficult to equate good to you and good for you when we think of this decadence. We ladies for the most part crave this, our chocolate love or love of chocolate.

A few nights ago it hit me, I was in the mood for something sweet, I didn’t know what so I figured “go down the cookie aisle and you will find some chocolate love”. I fought and resisted the urge to go on and pick up the familiar blue package with the picture of the most beautiful cookie on the planet. There are no secrets or surprises there, no challenge, plus if all else failed I knew where I could get satisfaction.

Instead I reached for the milk chocolate creme filled Milano, for reasons unknown. I had them once before and felt they could take care of this wanton desire. I couldn’t wait until I got out of the store before I had ripped open the package and quickly bit into one. There it was nothingness and disappointment all in one blow. The cookie tasted “brown” not chocolate. It was sweet but clearly not enough cocoa was put into this recipe. I struggled through another bite but had to resign myself to”this was a mistake”. The only thing to do was to run back into the store and indulge myself.

However, I resisted and moved on but was this a success? I must ask because here we are 7 days later, and there is the need to talk about how unfulfilled I felt after that encounter. Delving deeper and deeper into the “chocolatety” question, I ask what is this truly about. How would I rank my chocolate love; experience(what I prefer), expectation(what I think I prefer) or pattern(what I have in actuality preferred) the answers would all be different. Although if you read me(literally), that revelation should not surprise you in the least.

A Shoulder Tap And A Whisper

Just so you know there are other posts waiting to be published but this took precedence over them, for anytime I can sing (not literally cause I am tone deaf and “rhythmless”) the praises to God I do. He has been here for me when I did not know what would happen next and did not know where to turn. He has failed me not. I am His child, and flawed as all of us are, yet He loves me just the same. Through my arrogance and stubborn streak, through my recklessness and disregard, He is the rock upon which I can rest and rely.

Throughout my religious ventures, and by this I mean wandering from place to place and denomination after denomination, I have heard many a parable about how God makes His presence known. “He may not come when you want Him, but He’s always right-on-time!” I have experienced it many times personally. Today I want to remind all of you and prompt you to look back if things are alright in your world today, or to look forward and up it things are not.

He is said to be a jealous God, thus(and I am paraphrasing here folks) there is no room for worshiping and/or admiring any other like you do Him. Yet his love is unmistakable.  Defy Him and He will get your attention and it won’t necessarily be with the Earth shaking or a thunder clap, but to you it will impact you with that same power. Suffice to say He will not be ignored.

Next time you are broke and you find  money in the street or someone somewhere sends you a little something out of the blue, next time you are sick or are in so much physical pain you wonder why and how you are conscious  then suddenly the medication starts to work and you have trouble recalling that very same pain; recognize what has taken place, stop what you are doing and say a prayer to give thanks, for God has helped you to make it through. He does all that He does without announcements, without a parade, without lights and/or cameras; it is done with a soft tap on your shoulder, and with a whisper in your ear He says, “I got this”. Believe it, because it is so, and because He does.

On A Positive Note

This is a challenging morning for me to task such a title. Not saying anything traumatic has occurred, simply my mind is not warmed up. Yet I feel the need to go to the happier side.

Over the years I have observed moods and the affect they have on how people relate. I see it in my writing and when I am in what I deem to be a “funk” I limit how much I write. I used to completely avoid writing period, but I found good work does rise from the “ashes”.

Today I go to my bag-of -tricks and pull out my motivators, and here is what they helped me create and convey. I rekindled a passion that existed/exists inside of me and I am getting things in order so I can act on this. I  conferred and confirmed it with a loved one,  it just felt right. This was reminiscent of the riding a bicycle parable; you never forget, it does come back to you.

There has to be a point where something more becomes you focal point. Hopefully you have been able to buy that dream car, live in that dream house, and love that dream companion. Now it is time for you to give back. Our lives must be about substance and reach beyond the small scope which is us. Family helps us do this but we must recognize our family extends beyond those folks who share your last name or favor you in looks.

Now know you are charged to do something that will impact another on a grand scale. That grand scale is not defined by a large well lit billboard or an exclusive spread  in a magazine. The grand scale I speak of can simply be the way you directly affect an individual who you can touch. Maybe she is the abandoned teen or he is the overly active boy placed in special ed., perhaps the elderly gentleman sitting on a bench at the local market; reach out to them, you have no idea how much your kind words or gesture will mean. I cannot instruct you in what to do, just follow your heart and let it happen. You will know you are doing it right because you will feel it deep in your very soul,  and that is the best barometer around.

Obligied

How far should we take an obligation? What are the rules? The answers lie within I suppose. Speaking from experience I can tell you these feeling of responsibility are deep seeded, and can lead to years of complicated emotions. You  do grow tired after a while. What may have began as well meaning, can turn to resentment and regret.

There you sit with a self-prophesying reality and it is pretty amazing, or is it. You authored this contract, you made the terms and conditions. Face it you must live up to these things or back out and abandon them.

There are so many hard things to face when dealing with obligation; one thing one must explore and admit to is that there is a factor of care and concern. No individual who has not vested these things will bother living up to an obligation. There has to be something that is in it for them and it may not be anything simple. We may be hopeful that people have a sense of honor, but contracts give you a way out.  There is an escape clause. You do not have a long time to change your mind, but you do have an option.

The most significant characteristic of an obligation is a very simple basic thing; it is generally the right thing to do. Yet we all know that we do not always want to do the right thing. Sometimes we prefer to sit back and “let the chips fall where they may”; nice escape route and you can tell yourself that it wasn’t your fault, it just happened. Sometimes, we feel vindicated or justified in doing the wrong thing for the so-called right reasons. However, here is some truth for you  it is never the wrong decision to do the right thing.

One has to learn to live with oneself , when you get to where you can lie and deceive your very being, you will also find that you do not like yourself very much and would rather not be in this type of company. So tread lightly when it comes to obligations and do what is right, in the long run you will find yourself fulfilled. That in itself is invaluable.

TEMPTED

I suppose all of us have a story of our near destruction or demise. We all have our Achille’s Heel”. Mine happened 13 years ago and it was a narrow escape.

You know your very life is planned before you are born, what happens along the way is YOU make these last minute decisions that change everything around. There are only so many detours you can take before the entire trip is forever altered though, so you have to figure out your number and act accordingly.

My number was 13; I was on error# 15 when I figured this out. They were of course not all the same type of mistakes. I would be on the right road and BOOM!I would go over that bump a little too hard.  As I look back it was a pretty easy thing to surmise because all the signs and hints were there. I just closed my eyes and turned my back on the truth, but that 13 was always there. Just when I thought I had conquered my demons and I was strong, he’d bring out the “big guns”. Lucifer whispered in my ear, ” You belong to me..  but see what I have for you. It’s not all bad.” Then he’d laugh loudly in my face.

I was so full of myself, I could barely stand being in the room with “me”. My husband Marc was going on and on about where had I been, but it seemed as though he was speaking a foreign language. I looked at him in confusion and walked away. I heard glass shattering as I closed the bathroom door. Sunday morning rolled around and he nudged me, “We have to get ready for church”. I would not present a protest today.

Marc studied my face as I got dressed, I saw him out of the corner of my eye. Meanwhile, I was having flashback moments of Frank and I. He was standing behind me, removing my blouse as we kissed… Then I shook the thought. Marc was glaring at me; it was as though he not only knew what had been going on, but he knew my thoughts from moments ago.

Beautiful, beautiful Frank. The devil himself sent that man to me. He had EVERYTHING I wanted in a man and he seemed to adore me. Just one minor draw back he was as married, as I was, and his wife well she was nothing to sneeze at.  She was educated, attractive, plus she had a license and his children. What did Frank see in me? At many points in time when we were together I did not give a damn. When we were laying in bed naked, all I had to do was look at his gorgeous face an all was well. I could tell myself all kinds of lies and  give many different excuses. He made me feel as though I counted. Marc didn’t even know what my favorite color was and he had been married to me for all of these 15 years.

Frank and I never talked about our spouses. I would have told him anything he wanted to know, if I thought it would bring me closer to my desired destination, with him. I knew better. Instead we would meet for coffee and talk for hours about work, politics,music, ethics, entertainment, and philosophy.  He acted like he could NOT wait to be in my company and it didn’t matter if we were in public or private, he was game.

Alone we’d act like shy high school students about to take our relationship to the next level, but we did not have any pressure. We would sit close to one another on the sofa and watch television documentaries. Never did we come into one another’s presence and exhibit the hunger and desire we clearly had. Our time was borrowed/stolen and then as the expiration closed in on us we became passionate.

“Yes Jesus loves.. me…” I was brought abruptly back. I was sitting in the pew next to  Marc, the church was full, yet it seemed I was alone in an auditorium. How was this possible? I was seeing things as though a camera lens had been intentionally distorted and they were fuzzy. Then a saw him; a tall slender dark figure walking toward me. He managed to come and sit right next to me squeezing between myself and Sister Jordan. Sister Jordan was oblivious to this. I looked at him but could not make out the features of his face, but there was a strong scent that accompanied him. It was sulfur-like. A chill came over me. He spoke,” Well Donna how are you enjoying your gift?” He is wonderful to you isn’t he? Everything you always wanted… But then he is married. What to do, what to do? No wait you have already decided.” I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak.  I was gasping for air. “Here let me show you something”, he said as he grabbed my face and he waved his hand in front of me. The pulpit was transformed into a screen where I saw Frank and myself in bed. I looked around, guilt was all over my face, but no one saw it except the dark stranger. The dark stranger loudly laughed. He moved close to me and whispered, ” What are you doing here? Do you think your being here will save you?”  I was frozen. “But then you don’t want to be saved, you want Frank and you will take him any way you can get him, won’t you? Of course you will”, he said. I was about to protest I was shaking my head “no”, when I realized there was no one there. No one except Marc and he was looking at me curiously.

The 13 errors: not pursuing my dream, dating the wrong guys repeatedly(4 to be exact), having sex with them anyway, marrying Marc, not finishing my education, settling for a job I hated because it paid well, not having children( Marc and I were not happy so there were 2 abortions), having a sexual affair with Perry, and then there was Frank. Yep 13 errors and it took me to#15 before I figured it out. What was worse,15 was ongoing.

Driving home I went over these errors one by one. I kept seeing the dark stranger and going over the encounter, wondering was it real or did I imagine the entire event.  I asked why I tried to convince myself that the dark individual was a stranger. I knew him, and I knew exactly what he represented. I once again was only fooling or trying to fool myself.

Then as luck would have it, or perhaps it was a conscious decision; I stopped and really reviewed Perry. Perry, with his wonderful deep voice and his smooth yet endearing manner. I thought about how we met and when he called me at work all the girls swooned because of that same voice, but when they saw him they couldn’t understand why I wasn’t  just weak. They just did not know. Perry and I had been down many roads together and I since he was my first I wanted to be special to him. They just didn’t know that each time I heard his voice or saw his face I was a heartbeat away from collapsing at his feet. Every move I made every word I spoke to him was planned out and orchestrated. When I thought I had the upper hand he’d throw me a curve ball… It crossed my mind that he and Frank shared the same birthday but two years apart. Back to my Perry saga because Perry was the catalyst for many of the other mistakes. He broke my heart in every way possible and now after all these years, we were now friends.

What did all of this mean? Marc pulled into the parking structure of our building. He had been silent the whole trip to and from church. Finally he said, ” I need to think and so do you. We will talk when I get back this evening.” Then he raised his finger to point but never looking at me, then shook his head no. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. I simply got out of the car and Marc sped away. I felt numb. I climbed into the elevator and pushed 6.  I was stressed and confused.

The car stopped on the 5th floor but no one got in. I saw a familiar looking man with two small children a girl and a boy, they were walking away from the elevator. The girl turned around and looked back at me, she looked like she could have been related to me. Then the man turned around and it was Marc. How was that possible he just drove away. The doors closed. I feverishly tried to open the doors again but there was nothing I could do. 6 lit up and I ran down the hall heels and all to the stairs. When I got to the 5th floor no one was in the hall.  Winded I decided I would climb the stair back to my floor anyway.

I was met at the door with that burning sulfur smell and there he was sitting on my sofa. He was clad in red this time. He turned around and smiled. “Well you made it. Took a little detour did you? I thought you’d like to see those three and especially the little ones”. I was thinking but simultaneously he was saying, “This must be a dream… No Donna it is not a dream, by the standards this would be considered a nightmare or at the very least a bad dream it is 1:13 p.m. hardly night.” I stood there unable to move.  “Oh and the brimstone I do for effect I have another scent I truly prefer but that really would scare the .. well lets just say you would have trouble concentrating on what I was saying.” He rubbed the palms of his hands together,” So let’s cut to the chase, you know why I am here. Let me say you have accumulated quite a bit of baggage already. I mean you are NO angel, are you? So here’s the deal. “

Enough Said

When you have been hurt or disappointed in life by an individual, often time all you see or can concentrate on is you. As an after thought and in an effort to NOT wallow in self pity try this.  Take on the role of the one you are upset with and use the “pro-con”method to see what you end up with. Then think about where you go from here.

You are angry with me, but you won’t say a word. I am choosing to accept what I see. I say you seem upset you say you are not, there may be a bit of sarcasm but I am taking you at your word. I don’t know you any more, truth is I probably never did. Are you being honest with me now, have you ever been, moreover have I been honest with myself. Now I want answers. Pride  will not allow me to assume full responsibility for even the things I know I have done. I want to move on and move forward, that does not mean anything beyond what I just said, nothing is implied there are no undertones. This is face value time and if you accept this then it means you must be accepting it with no conditions; like you have in the past and in the way I have always been able to convince myself that you have been okay with. End dialogue.

No one knows you better than you know yourself and as scary or lonely as it may seem, it is better to be true to yourself than to end up with a load of regret(s). Battle with selfishness here; consider the others who may be involved and could be affected as well. Where you go from here is ultimately your choice, the ball is in your court. However, the truth is, it has always been.

That’s How He Does It

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger… will you hurry up and smash those records?! I want this man to play until let’s see he needs to beat Jack Nicklaus’ record and Sam Snead, he needs three more green jackets, he needs to walk on water.. what is this mess?!

He is  not nice to play with, he cheats, he is no gentleman, face it there is no room in the world of golf for the likes of him. Well of course there isn’t. He is taking the fun out of the game right. Hey listen most games, sports, competitions are much more fun when you are winning. It stands to reason; if he is winning like he is, if he is shattering records one after another, he must be cheating.

What happened to the days of champions being loved and adored? Well welcome to the age of the self-assured athlete, but wait it is not limited to the athlete this is a world of self-assured people. Women are now lesbians criticized for being “ballsy”, African Americans are “uppity” and don’t know their place; “mama-mia” what a world and I thought our society was evolving and moving forward.

The next time we will have an opportunity or have to endure Mr. Woods is May 30th at “The Memorial” where he is the defending champion. He has probably done or is planning something unscrupulous as I write this. We won’t know until the tournament is played. Well at least Byron Nelson’s record and legend will remain intact, 11 back to back PGA wins and a GENTLEMAN, lets see Tiger top that this year.

You see unlike other sports golf applauds good manners, behavior, and etiquette. You don’t see those guys on the tour spitting or cursing, none of them are alcohol abusers, or have marital problems. In case you MISSED the sarcasm, Tiger is not the only member of the PGA who is not perfect, he just happens to be one who is in the spotlight preparing to make more history in the sport of golf.

It is odd to think of oneself as cheering for the underdog when cheering for someone with a record such as Tiger Woods, but you have to admit he is golf’s “whipping boy”. They cannot take away from his true talent and skill so they attack his character. I doubt seriously any one of us would be able to stand unblemished by such a vast and multiple assault. Therefore once again I have to go against how I feel about an individual, outside of his notable profession, and cheer him on for the only thing most of us have the ability to judge first hand, his athletic prowess. Admittedly, that is what is a joy to watch. Once again I say, “Geaux Tiger”!

Mother, Not For Just A Day

We search aimlessly at times to connect ourselves to something that will give meaning in our fast paced, ever-changing, ever challenging lives. However, it is not things that we need to connect to, but people.

We must battle with not becoming caught-up in marketing madness on all levels. They are very crafty with their campaigns too, they go for the jugular. In this case the second Sunday in May, they grab for the heart-strings. Mothers; who could begrudge a way to pay homage to the sweetest, most enamored lady most every one of us will ever know? She is a godsend. Well you don’t have to begrudge, but if you don’t do something you will feel negligent.

Let me tell you a little something about a mother, there is nothing so great or so small that comes from her child(ren), of whom she loves more than life, that she would not appreciate. However, if you don’t know it the fact that you ARE is enough for her. She has no expectations only hopes; she is the first to come to your aid and the last to abandon you even when she knows you are wrong. She knows and understands you better than you do yourself, for to her you are the better parts of her. Her love began before she laid eyes on you, and it continues until her eyes close forever, as we know it.

Jewelry or chocolates, dinner or a cruise, flowers or a card, whatever your plan is for Mother’s Day, let it be known that it is simply a day that happens once a year; but your love, respect, and appreciation for her is ongoing, the same way her everlasting love is for you.

Can’t I Just Be A Hero

Without you ridiculing me for not being able to articulate on your level. Because I am not a polished media personality, can’t you understand and appreciate the good thing I did. I am a simpler person, not in my mentality but in the complexity of my life. Yet through it all, I still managed to do something good and worth recognizing. What are you doing besides talking about what I actually did.

The next time some individual is put out there on the news who is not dressed particularly well, who does not speak with the poise and intellect that you may possess, don’t laugh or shake your head in disgust and disapproval. Look at the bigger picture and recognize the “good thing” they have done. That is what is worth noting and appreciating.

“Hat’s Off to you, Charles Ramsey”. I know at least three people who are very happy about your very presence alone. Remember folks these people that are interviewed off the street have not had the luxury of a script, three hours of make-up, and a wardrobe coordinator. They have an extraordinary experience happen to them, and it is quickly followed up with a camera and microphone SHOVED in their faces. Yes this is oversimplified, but doesn’t the media over expose the negative aspects subtly, while trying to feign a  sincere as-a-matter-of-fact tone?

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