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Loss- Losing It

Every now and then the “crazy” surfaces, makes it’s presence known, takes over. I don’t always know it either. I  find myself drifting off. I feel like my son is leaving me all over again and I am grabbing at anything to keep me tethered to him and his memory. I think I feel like I am letting things (NOT HIM) go slowly; I don’t think I am supposed to, and I don’t consciously WANT to.

I scrolled through my phone messages from him..some of the last ones. Since I am NOT so tech savvy I had to save these words/messages the best way I could. I did screenshots. I will print them out and put them with the other items I have carefully stored in the designated cedar chest. The last ones are from Jessica(his lady/his love/my new-now daughter) from the hospital and they came after what I would later find out, was after he had been pronounced.

The room is not exactly as he left it, but there are things I have not moved. I think of the irony..the only Christmas decorations that will be in this house this year are the ones HE left behind in his room. I tell myself I am not as strange as some folks are, but I am lying to myself. I am as fucking strange and weird as they come, and many times I don’t care what you think of me. That is not mean or rude, it is real.

As I navigate through each day something will make me think of my child who is no longer with me and I WILL cry. I may not cry long, but I will hurt and the tears will flow. Sometimes I imagine myself screaming, or cowering in a corner, or collapsing to the ground. I ask myself will any of these particular acts bring me closer to closure or solace, then I ask how can I ever suggest I will EVER have those things in regards to my son as long as I live on this Earth. Each day I am learning to live a life I did not plan for, and one I do NOT want.

I want my son back..I know I cannot have him, but that does NOT change how I feel.

CHRISTMAS WONT BE THE SAME THIS YEAR

Do you know that song? The Jackson Five did it back in 1970..YouTube it. It may give you a smile or two. Admittedly it did for me, somewhat. It also made me aware of a reality; it is a self professing one but one just the same. A holiday I love(d) and cherished, no longer feels that way. The tinsel is tarnished and gray. The lights have flickered out.  The sights, sounds, and aromas have faded. All that remains are questions, indifference, and maybe a bit of fear.

Questions like What will I do this year, How will I feel, Do I want to decorate and celebrate with happy people, Will I stay at home in a house void of decorations and possibly make sadness more at home with me?

Indifference…What does any of what I feel or experience matter, I have been dealt a blow..a blow I will NEVER get over. When I look at decorations that are out far too early, there is a feeling of emptiness. I am no longer looking for ideas to bring the beauty of Christmas into my home.

Fear that I will become that old person, who does not decorate or celebrate. Which in turn will likely make me sadder and speed up my actual aging process. Who wants to be around that.

What’s the plan? Every year for the past 25,  Thanksgiving marked the beginning of my Christmas process. Intermittently we would have a big dinner but mostly it was football, pajamas, and me decorating the house and the tree(s). I now must deal with how to do or NOT do Thanksgiving which makes my Christmas dilemma even more intense.

I thought of leaving town and escape all that is familiar and normal, but I realize there is no escaping life. If I stay in this country, the holidays will come no matter WHERE I am. Even if I travel outside the country, places I would consider, all celebrate Christmas. Where do I run to, how can I hide? Is it possible to change my attitude ?

As difficult as this will be for me, I want more than anything else for people I love and care about to enjoy that fabulous holiday. If I cross your mind and I make you sad, please think of someone or something else. For I am here to tell you, I do NOT want my sadness to  be yours. There is no guess work here; whatever December 25th brings me, I want my loved ones to have the best holiday season possible.