Motivated by a lack of material.

Archive for the month “August, 2019”

Watching Them Go

As I try not to be dark, I go over in my head all of the losses I have suffered in the past three years. I hope that I can help others as they go through this process.

The diagnosis came almost 2 years ago. The treatment began after several  assessments(medical insurance and providers may vary and have an impact) in January 2018. August 2019 I am watching death come slowly and methodically. Ravaging the external body as it has certainly been doing internally. This is a cruel process for all parties concerned.

Physically; all that is being done is keeping the pain away. ¬†Timed disbursements of medications. We do return to our infancy, reliant on someone else to care for our basic needs. However, the progression in in the reverse.There is no conversation, I merely talk or don’t talk for awareness and comfort on both our parts. I reflect on The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

I am sad, angry and depressed. I sometimes sit because I cannot move, paralyzed by the overwhelming sense of helplessness. I sometimes wander..aimlessly because I do not know what to do or how to feel. I don’t eat or I over eat. My concentration is indescribable.

I have to remain calm and controlled. I MUST be conscious and observant. I have to report changes I notice because this determines level of care. I am not a doctor, nurse or medical professional; yet I am charged with doing what these professionals DO NOT RECOMMEND FOR THEMSELVES “caring for a loved one”. Sometimes hearing the words that must come out of my mouth astound me. I take my mind/ myself away from the situation at hand, but as I return the emotions take over and I “lose it”.

TRUTH.. you really do NOT know what you are capable of until you are forced to face “difficulty”. Try to truly live in the NOW; Life is random and unpredictable, and YES life goes on.


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