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Archive for the tag “relationships”

15 May 2024

For Your Own Good

I recall hearing this as a precursor to my getting into some kind of trouble. Oftentimes, being forewarned about “trouble” is not always welcomed. This is especially true when one does not believe there really is trouble or danger. Perspectives can and will govern reaction(s).

Once again I dove in feet first. I actually had the nerve to be surprised at the outcome. Okay I am not really surprised but I think it makes me feel better saying I don’t understand how… The universe tried to throw obstacles in my path, I skillfully went around them. This WAS going to be my way! However, very soon after my arrival I could see this going south. It was pleasing though, all the way to the departure. I did have to admit I got to this place in order to find some resolution. I told myself no matter the outcome, I would have my answer and I would accept it. As I revisit the time we spent together; I do not allow myself to feel sad. I am, most definitely disappointed. His very words.

This “relationship” kept me on edge. I made exceptions and concessions that I would not accept under normal circumstances. I was distracted by the superficial, so maybe this is where for your own good does come into play. Had we continued, how destructive might this have been? I busied myself with being dismissive of us, all the while awaiting the contact. Now he is gone, now I have the consolation that he came to me with his heart on his sleeve and a damaged ego. Unless he reads this, he will NEVER get those same things from me. Things I consciously did not want to happen, did in fact happen. How tempted I am to relieve him of this burden, but something in me keeps me from putting myself in the spot that he occupies. I wonder does he think/ know/care that I may eventually fold, and it is likely sooner than later? Again, under normal circumstances I would have already given him the tools to break my heart. Yet the little voice can be heard in the distance warning me of the danger… so far I am listening to that faint whisper as it tells me of the close call, how I dodged the bullet, and yes the break was in fact For My Own Good.

The experience of being in a head on collision made me a different type of being. Initially I was nervous and on edge, but as time moved on (as it invariably does) I settled into yet another alteration of my being. The surprise factor took on a new ” look”. I am NOT telling you I cannot be surprised; I tell you I no longer anticipate surprises with innocent joy and excitement. For I know one can be surprised and taken off guard or aback for unpleasant things too.

I ask myself what IS HIS STORY/HIS TRUTH and what IS the ACTUAL truth? Does he care about me? Is it timing and circumstance that keeps us apart or am I being lit up by a “gas lighter supreme“? I certainly do not have any idea. I am however convinced the universe knows and it is keeping me in the dark…perhaps for my own good.

Posted in Dating 6.0 and tagged , | Leave a comment
15 May 2024

Heart Of Mine

It was just like the first time I laid eyes on him. Your heart does remember. We smiled, we embraced, we laughed and reminisced. Before we knew it five hours had gone by. I thought before we met up I might want something “more” to transpire, by the time we prepared to leave the restaurant I KNEW I wanted something more to happen. Pride, ego and insecurity deprived me of true effort at intimacy or even a kiss to remember.

I AM an ” all-or-nothing” kinda girl… even when I decide I can take less, I will still only take a smidge/an iota less. I am still a hopeless romantic. I know he knows I am a good woman, a good person, a lady. I had to come to grips with the fact that the qualities I had bothered to hone were simply some things he did not want or need. I could try to simplify it by saying he did not want me, but there was far more to it than that.

Decades of being connected and still just out of reach. One might ask, well why do you still reach? As we look at the facts, there is something missing in many of our lives. We exist for love and fulfillment. Once we decide it is here or there, we cannot help but figure out a way to obtain it. Yet there is a stopping point, there is a place where our psyche, ego, pride, common sense say, ” Hmmmm maybe you are reading a little bit more into this than actually is there.”

Happily (or not) I can now say I am in a place where what my dear, lovely friend does is truly irrelevant. I have stumbled into or found myself in a place that allows me to be okay with facts, and comfortable with the acceptance of situations. The two of us will forever be connected on a special friend level. He still says the sweetest things to me, and I take those same sweet words for what they are worth. They are up for interpretation, but they are NOT life altering.

Posted in How We Relate, Quickbits and tagged , | Leave a comment
15 May 2024

Wonder What The Fellas Think

No offense here but in the real world where men and women have to interact with one another, men have almost NEVER been accused or characterized as overthinking. They are risk takers, and most could truly care less what someone thinks of them. You will find an overweight, bald, toothless, self-employed guy on the dating sites like he has as much to offer as a fit, well-dressed, corporate attorney with a full set of pearly-white choppers and a head full of his own hair. Scary thought alert, maybe he does….

Being a part of a couple for over three decades, there were many instances where my spouse may have walked in on a conversation between myself and a single friend. I battled with and was successful in keeping the discussions involving dating or other encounters outside our realm of approachable subject matter. Let’s face it all of us do things that we do not want advertised or to be the topic of in mixed company. How soon we forget where we came from, in this case the ranks of single life.

In my mind I expect my conversations are strictly between myself and the other party (my single friends at the time/now me) I am communicating with. One does not expect to be critiqued by another being, particularly a significant other of a friend, in a perfect world. Furthermore, I am not thoroughly convinced that these same individuals are privy to more knowledge, outside of their particular situation, than I. I truly could NOT care less what they think/suggest, barring they have a perfect man they want to introduce me to. Knowing full well that they only have “thoughts” to offer, which are likely jaded because their woman having a single friend is not something many men are not fond of. For now, I have to hope I am being defended as I adamantly defended my single friends when my late spouse walked in, or overheard conversations meant for my ears only.

Women who are single are dangerous, we remind the attached folks that there is another status around. Does the disdain come from what we project or is it what others perceive? We fall into so many categories wild, desperate, pitiful, promiscuous, tempting, lonely, independent, needy and all the in-betweens. We also remind them of what they once were, and/or that they could be where we are. That may or may not be a bad thing.

Our “sisters” do not want to be where we find ourselves. The fellas look at us as an untapped resource; an area of possibilities, escapes from reality, but keep us at arms distance for we could blow up their seemingly happy stable existence(s). Actually, too much thought is put into this simple situation. There are some undeniable facts here. Men are outnumbered by women; humans are social creatures and want to be in places/situations that are familiar and therefore comfortable. Yet there is still the “renegade”… the one that wants more than he can handle or is allotted, is entitled to, deserving of. He and his type are given power, and in spite of him NOT knowing what to do with it and/or his mismanagement, others become subject to his ineptness. Now he/ his type is the standard, the rule, rather than the exception to it.

Where do we go from here? This seems like an old and familiar song. Well just because it is old and familiar does not take away from the fact it is true and good.

Posted in Everybody's Critic and tagged , , | Leave a comment
05 May 2023

The Exceptions

There he is. Everything you imagined and could NOT quite imagine. Sometimes as you look at him, it IS hard to believe he is real. Ok… WAKE up, this is a dream in this case a story. It is the story of a mythical creature, and this creature insinuated his way into your life. Okay you may have sorta invited him in after you realized he was in fact real…

He was not perfect; he was extraordinarily perfect. If you wanted big, he was bigger! You found yourself saying things like,” It doesn’t matter because he isn’t for real anyway…” When he walked through that door, someone literally could have pushed you over with a feather. Then you found he was nice, interesting, smart, funny, AND not-hard-on-the eyes… Before you knew what hit you, you were considering the possibilities.

You quickly saw a boatload of problems, but in your mind, none that could NOT be overcome. That is where the possibilities “took over the wheel”. He was STRIKING and you liked that. All he had to do was to walk into the room and heads would turn. Oh, how you enjoyed the “head-turner” waiting for you. You put out of your mind what transpired prior to your arrival. Yet, the fact that he still awaited your arrival, due to the fact the two of you did not occupy the same space most of the time, told a story. You enjoyed him for a period of time. HE WAS TOO MUCH FOR YOU. The good thing was you recognized this. So, you played with fire in small doses, with the constant thought of avoiding the burn. You knew he still needed to demonstrate some things before you could be all in. He would make tiny steps that encouraged you and gave you hope, but it still was not enough. He was still getting away with things you would NOT tolerate if he was not so…much of everything else you wanted or thought you wanted. Admittedly, the visuals were your major guiding force. That shallow fact could be what kept you involved far longer than you wanted or needed to be.

He kept pushing and testing you. Finally you had enough. You deleted his messages and decided it was time to get away from that fire. What makes the moth move to the light/flame that will ultimately be its demise? Are we all moths in one way or another? When we run into someone who clearly does not have OUR best interest at heart, why do we continue to move towards them instead of running in the other direction? Do we believe if we proceed with caution do we think the fire will be less hot? Maybe we believe the flame will somehow not be as hot because we will have noted its existence and therefore, we can better prepare for the burn. We must start to realize, even though we know the flame will burn no matter how much preparation we make, the burn will still pain us just the same.

What you have to realize is once you started making excuses for, making exceptions, you were already in trouble. We are faced with such heavy competition in the world of finding a suitable match, if we really took into account the numbers alone, we would likely find another pursuit, because the outlook is bleak at best. We all want what we want, as time goes on, we begin to feel the pressure of the situation. Our conditions begin to alter our perspective. Expectations wither into substitutions so much, until one day we no longer recognize what we were looking for and why are we involved with who we are involved with. As the clock continues to tick, the fear of being alone become more overwhelming than we could have imagined. We tell ourselves that this exception is far better than being alone; until we involve ourselves, until we truly are all–in, and then we discover we ARE still alone without exception.

Posted in Fictional Accounts, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , , | Leave a comment
06 Oct 2022
1 Comment

“SlimPickins”

He offered to let ME buy him lunch once…In turn I laughed in his face. I was in my postal vehicle, wearing my wedding ring. Mr. Pickins was a patron, who lived with his mother, and waited for a general relief check each month. His was thin like his name suggests (which is a metaphor in case you didn’t get the memo), he was unshaven, unkempt, and far from articulate. His status and predicament, that I found ridiculous, was overshadowed by the fact he disregarded my marital status and without hesitation made me aware he was willing to let me be in his company. Yes, good ole Slim thought he was “prime real estate”… quite a catch. Furthermore, HE was unaffected by my response, and he did not shy away from meeting me at his mother’s mailbox on a regular basis, even after I had unceremoniously refused his offer. I thought him repulsive and shockingly arrogant. That was 30 years ago… how could I have ever imagined that this man was a precursor to that which was yet to come.

As I am now a part of the demographic that is in search of a companion. I still have nerve enough to have certain standards… in spite of the challenges that exist nowadays I refuse to lower those standards. I mean why can’t a man who walks upright or one that makes a complete sentence… Ok I am NOT quite that desperate, but it is not easy to meet a decent prospect these days ladies. The competition is stiff. I even had a so called interested party tell me that I should be kind to even the most ridiculous of potential suitors. He was making a case for his male brethren, of course he and I did not work out either. Expect nothing and that is EXACTLY what you will get.

Imagine you are a Sugar Junkie and being placed in a “candy factory”, complete with a Specialty Sweets Shop. The entire experience, the aromas, the visuals, and the tastes. You’d be possessed by the environment. At first the challenge would be to get to your favorites, then maybe to sample as many of the different treats at your fingertips. Then the realization that you can what you want and as much of it that you can consume. Urgency is likely the first casualty, what is the actual rush? Choice will be a close second, why do you have to pick at all because you CAN have it all. Control will hover around in varying stages. One might think there are so many consequences which should make one be cautious, but you must realize that so much can/will take place before the consequences occur and/ or will be felt. You could lose all of your teeth, become morbidly obese, or fall into a diabetic coma before anything would compel you to do the right thing. And even then, you are still in the “candy factory”. As time goes on you might slow down because you have to compensate for your condition(s). Get the idea? What role do you find yourself in? Are you the consumer or are you the product?

Mr. Slim Pickens has been in this factory. He either decided (not likely) to leave on his own or he had to leave because of his particular circumstance, but through it all he is still a contender in today’s climate. What’s more he is still presenting like he is that catch. Someone will take him….

Be strong, be vigilant, be patient… understand that most of these overindulgent out-of-control creatures in the “candy factory” have a base in self-control and decency.

Posted in How We Relate, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , ,
28 Sep 2022
1 Comment

The Music Takes Us There

You are moving along perfectly fine with a so-called “modern relationship”. Suddenly you notice this wonderful melody in the background. The music sounds so good, it makes you feel good, then you notice you are feeling good in the presence of this person. There goes our brains, song+ this person= good feeling. You are doomed.

At this point in our lives things are not as we were led to believe, or should I say we allowed ourselves to believe, uncomplicated, simpler, easier. Just when you thought you understood things, you had adjusted your mind to wrap around what the two of you were doing…now you feel some-kinda-way. This person even looks different. The cute little way they look when something is on their mind, that silly laugh…wait before you attached the beautiful song to them these very same things rather annoyed you. What is happening? Well, the first thing you HAVE to do is find out the name of that song and the artist. Because that song clearly defines what is going on between the two of you. Sound like high school?

Let’s step back, lets re-evaluate what has just transpired. We (the baby-boomers) have far too many things to figure out. We are NOT doing retirement and getting older like our predecessors did. We listened more to what doctors said about taking care of our physical selves, we made some good decisions about our financial situations, many of us think our mental health is important and are proactive in that area. These things are scratching the surface of what we need to do to keep ourselves whole. Still there is more work to do.

So, we venture back into RelationshipLand. This “place” is crazy on the best of days. Now prior to that song entering your psyche, the lines were drawn and clear. Every other week at 1p.m. lunch at the best Thai restaurant in town, or was it “dessert” at your place at 1 a.m.? In either case, all parties concerned had a clear understanding of their role/position. Thanks to the blasted crooner you wonder what “he” is doing right now or is “she” wearing your favorite perfume. The smiles or tears are being induced by the lyrics you heard. Yet, you do not understand what has changed. The music is hypnotic, now your relationship has a soundtrack, now its very nature has been altered.

I love music, period. I use it to accomplish tasks. If I am working out at the gym, in the kitchen cooking (rare as that is) or sitting in front of my laptop writing… the music facilitates the processes. It is/can be a catalyst in many instances, as in this subject we are currently addressing. For all the love and respect, I give to the fabulous art of music, when it comes to affair of the heart, I would say enjoy it but don’t listen to the pretty words. For the music WILL take you “there”.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , ,
28 Sep 2022

“Gun-Shy”

Well, it finally has happened. I thought I was immune. I knew the risks involved and felt I was up to the challenges. I have “weathered a few storms” and I chocked it up to process. However, I truly got blindsided. What’s more is I see myself retreating, in spite of the fact I know I must continue on.

Look, all of us have had experiences that stop us in our tracks. Most of the time we look at these experiences, take the information obtained, and use it the next time. I can only recall having the wind taken out of me, in my early days of dating. That happened because I had never traveled certain roads before.
Today a seasoned veteran, there was a bit of cockiness. I was self-assured, I did not feel invincible, but I felt like I would not get in so deep that I would not see certain dangers as they approached, let alone smack me in the back of my head. Yet, here I sit, injured, examining my wounds, and not knowing if I want to heal the injury or hope that I am not really looking at an actual wound. I am telling myself ridiculous things like,” maybe I am misinterpreting things…”

I now must admit I feel fear in treading the waters of the dating world. I have been hurt. I want revenge, I want retribution, but through it all I would give anything to be wrong. I know this cut is a deep one… I did not know or believe that one could still have this kind of feeling. It wasn’t this breathless when it was going on. Maybe because I was in denial, maybe because I told myself…”I like him, and I am possibly on the way to bigger and better”. However, I now know I was already at “bigger and better” and all the denial on the planet does not change what I am now experiencing.

Getting over and beyond him is only one aspect of this thing, I must now go through what seems to be considerable changes. I am pondering not wanting to put myself in a forum where this is possible again. That both frightens and saddens me. It is time to take a break, I think. I need to re-evaluate things, I need to revisit some ideas and yes, I need time to “lick my wounds“.

Truth is somewhere in between, wanting to inflict the same disappointment on this individual and relief that we did not work out, is real confusion. I not only let my guard down, but I was also adventurous (or naive) enough to relax some of my own requirements. I did this with my eyes wide open and as my inner voice was shouting,” You know you don’t like this and/or that characteristic”. I gauge how I am dealing with my feelings with a barometer, which has readings ranging from strong to indifferent. He is still teetering in the middle; I know that is a dangerous spot. He could slip back in; hey I might even be tempted to invite him back. That would be a tragic disaster in my opinion. He’d be armed with the knowledge I had felt something for him, and I accepted that which was unacceptable. He would have free reign and I would be handing it to him. See I already know the place we are now in, SHOULD digress to nothingness, for MY OWN GOOD.

The take-away here, the moral of this story… follow your first mind or be prepared to face the consequences.

Posted in How We Relate, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , | Leave a comment
19 Aug 2022
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You Sir, Are No Gentleman

I met him about 40 years ago. He was a funny, handsome (by some/many standards), charismatic young man. He was my friend, AND I kept him at-arms-length. I was married but even if I had not been he could not have ever been more than my friend. He was involved in a serious relationship and then there were the others. Oh, how he enjoyed the others. His horrible mantra was “8 to 80 blind, crippled, or crazy…” Now I know one might read this and already think they know my friend. One might wonder how/why I would call him my friend. One might wonder why I am even bothering to write about him. Well, the first thing that must be conveyed is my friend is merely a metaphor for a particular type of man and this is the story of how we can all find ourselves involved with this guy in a fashion one would have been willing to wager, would not/could not happen.

He walked onto the workroom floor in a way that let you know he was trouble. Then he’d flash his smile or pick up a heavy package or hold the door. You’d find yourself thinking and or saying, “You are so sweet”. I laughed as I saw my co-workers fall for him one by one. He had his pick, and he was by no stretch selective. He was an opportunist’s opportunist. Due to his nature, he did try his tactics with me. He did find I was a person of my word. He did not have time to alter who/what he was. There was a plethora of opportunity around, AND they were FAR less trouble. Thus, we became friends. He and I had philosophical discussions of the ills of his behavior, treatment of women, and his disregard of relationships. In my 20’s I pegged him, I also pegged his kinder, more subtle counterpart (the classic wolf in sheep’s clothing). Yet, through-it-all the reality of the situation, was we were all friends.

Years later, miles apart I discovered my friend had passed away from a heart attack. I found out from his counterpart, who continuously denied being anything like his buddy, all the while demonstrating he was exactly the same guy. It was no surprise (to me) that I did end up being personally involved with the “wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing” once I was widowed. I walked into it with my eyes wide open. I did fortunately escape. Even though I did not really want to escape. Nothing would have pleased me more than to be the one that captured the “wolf”. However, because I had been so “close ” to him, I could NOT ignore the signs.

As I fast forward, as I look at yet another archetype…I do wonder HOW I found myself involved with a new “wolf”! Too old, too smart, too sophisticated, too experienced for such nonsense to take place…yet it did. I can happily and not so happily say, I got out with minimal damage. I cannot help but send out the warning. It is as in all situations, someone doing something bad makes it hard for a righteous person or one trying to do the right thing. Somewhere out there a true gentleman, a true romantic, a truly good guy will have to be subject to scrutiny and suspicion Additionally, possible good relationships will be jeopardized and ultimately fail because of these bad actors and the need to protect our hearts, souls and purses. Be safe out there ladies, the wolves walk among us. They can appear to be sweet, chivalrous, good, kind, and yes church-going-fellows…BUT they are by no stretch GENTLEMEN.

Posted in How We Relate, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , ,
17 Aug 2022
1 Comment

Parting Gifts

There you are, standing waiting for the results. You hear those infamous words, “and the winner is…” Your name is not called. You get an accommodating smile, kind words as a testament to what a great job/effort you made. All you hear is, “I did NOT win. A game show tactic, a way to make all participants feel ok with where they ended up. Perhaps this is short-sighted, perhaps it is ungrateful, however, all–in–all, no one plays for second.

I recall vividly when Tiger Woods was at his peak, he was all the sports magazines and writers could talk about. Whatever tournament he was in, he was projected to win. He was in the number one spot without competing for YEARS. Disgruntled, disappointed players spoke of NOT being counted out, but they fell, one by one. Others, who included champions spoke of him and looked upon him in pure simple “awe”.

Then he met with his “fall from grace”. No one stays on top forever, but the abruptness of the ending is what bothers us the most.

All beginnings are or should be with hopeful expectation, this one was no exception. Not what was the norm, there was a degree of cynicism. You move forward anyway, nothing else of significance is happening…”why not” To your surprise it starts off good and gets better. RAPIDLY. Before you know it there are flickers of hope, they soon turn to stars in your eyes. The fact that he says and does the right things at the right time is no coincident or happenstance. You will later discover or deduce it was a plan, his “M.O.” Nonetheless for now it is all good! You make time for one another. There are countless reasons for communication you both seem to seize each and every one of them too. There seems to be a meeting of the minds and therefore why shouldn’t you endeavor a physical connection.

One of the biggest challenges of online connections and long-distance relationships is a time factor. When you are in close proximity, you figure out early on whether or not you want this to move forward, and it is as simple as selecting a middle ground location. The couple that has to face the fact they are miles and miles apart have to be cautious as well as factoring in timing. How long do we wait to see one another in person, where do we meet, if we like one another how far do we take this on an initial meeting? For one wrong move, one miscalculation or misinterpretation can destroy the potential relationship before it gets out the gate. Moving too fast may give the impression of desperation or promiscuity ( imagine that at our age). While moving too slow make for more competition to enter into the equation.

Therefore, you play it by ear, you go with your gut. At first seemingly you are on the right track. Then out-of-the-blue everything changes. You ask what happened, what is wrong with the other person, what did you do wrong. These questions asked separately or in conjunction with one another still call for expert interpretation and still you have a massive margin for error. One might think well go straight to the source. While that seems to make sense what gives you the expectation that any truth will come from the direct approach. Then you are left to your own devices. You figure, guess, surmise numerous scenarios and each of them gives you solace, until you entertain another possibility.

Nothing is feeling right at this point in time, and nothing makes sense. In my humble opinion it, all boils down to this, you were NOT playing for a consolation prize, you were in this to win. Somehow you fell short and for whatever the reason, nothing makes it better. In the end you realize that no matter what you obtained from this experience, there is virtually nothing to keep this from happening again. Yet you find yourself right back in the arena, playing for the win. Again

Posted in How We Relate, One For My Friends, Order of Appearance and tagged ,
26 Jun 2022
1 Comment

Just Somebody I Used To Know

I was about 18 years old and madly in love…with a young man who was NOT in love with me. One day while I was sitting at my job looking sad, likely just finishing my daily cry, one of my friends who was quite handsome himself, came to me and asked what was wrong. I told him of my lament. He sweetly told me, all you have to do is stop letting him have the power to hurt you, all you have to do is let him go. While that sounds like it is almost too simple to work, it was good advice. He was right. That’s another story, however it sets the tone for this piece.

In the wake of political decisions that seemingly are hurling us into our backward pasts, our friends, family, associates are polarized and vocal. It is happening in places and with individuals you could never imagine. Mine occurred in a subtle, innocent conversation with somebody I used to know. What started off and was, I believe was intended to be a casual, friendly talk and possible meet-up/reconnect became an eye-opening startle. The arrogance and entitlement came blustering through. I guess he thought he was being funny and cute. He may not even be aware that he was coming off offensive to me, for it was the undertones that came blaring out at me, even though he was not exactly directing his smug thinking at me.

Perhaps he had a bad day, maybe it was a direct encounter that prompted the talk. He could have been coming to someone he felt was close enough to in order feel something other than what he conveyed…end result is he unwittingly, unknowingly showed me something that made me feel quite happy we were no longer involved, and our contact was sporadic. Furthermore, he made me know that we cannot be ANYTHING even on the most miniscule level. I don’t even want to be in the same room with him. In my “eyes” he is a cretin. He disguised himself well, but the truth is any one of us can behave ourselves for a short period of time. What I find so ironic is that he did not consider the consequences of him revealing himself to me or affecting me in such a way that was not positive. Therefore, he had no reason to think I would not want to be in his presence. He clearly sees nothing wrong with what he said and that makes “us” having interaction even more ridiculous.

I thought maybe being around me, my ways, my points of view made him consider things outside his norm. There did not seem to be any communication issues, we talked a lot. However, once we were no longer involved, he was allowed/forced back to what was his comfort zone, the small narrowminded spaces he occupied along with the same type of people overtook him and returned him to something he had considered venturing away from.

I wish I was a big enough person to want to “pull his coat-tail”, I wish I could get beyond my being offended to try to inform and enlighten a once seemingly good person. I am not, all I want him to do is go back where he came from, no longer invade my space and allow me to forget I ever met such a human. Then if I ever by chance run into and cannot avoid him completely, I can tell myself he is somebody I used to know, with a question-mark.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , ,

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