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Motivated by a lack of material.

Archive for the tag “control(s)”

03 May 2026
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Dear Pain

Once again, I wake up and here you are. I am not surprised by your presence. You are not welcomed by me, nor are you welcome. Yet here you reside with me.This is beginning like a familiar song. What is it that you want from me? You are silent and unchanging, for the most part. I respond to your presence in every way possible, but at the same time do not acknowledge you. How is it that this can occur? You are an enigma. I want to figure you out. Perhaps if I can explain your existence, I will be able to explain you away. Maybe my being able to understand aspects of you will bring the clarity I need, and you will leave me.

Dear Pain, I remember when you did not exist. I did not have to think about you, and I did not have to factor you and your existence into my life. I would catch a glimpse of you and hear a story of you from others close to me. I knew all I wanted to know about you. However, it was not personal, and I guess it was not enough for you.

Early one Sunday morning you came to see me and get personal… I was born on a Sunday. I lost my mother and son on respective Sundays after those days represented so much less to me. YOU made me very aware of you. YOU are invasive and controlling. You came back around when leukemia and lung cancer took my younger brother and my husband, within months of each other, which set you up for a long period of residency in my heart, soul, and mind… YOU seemingly do not want to leave or leave me alone. I try not to let you run and ruin my life, but you take up so much of my life. Time, space, are meaningless because you are in the way.

Where do I go from here? I want nothing more than for you to be gone. For you to be absent means that the reason you are with me would be gone, but it is not as simple as that. You were not invited, but you came anyway. You are NOT welcome, but you stay. It is NOT enough to say one wants something; it is incumbent upon us all to take action in order to make that/those something(s) happen. Dear Pain just go away. Please.

Posted in Ecumenically Speaking and tagged , , ,
28 Apr 2026
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And I Almost Felt Bad

I passed the community room and caught sight of her thin slight image. Part of me felt sorry for this troubled woman. The other part of me only wanted to be rid of the individual who insinuated herself into my complex and proceeded to interrupt the peace and comfort one wants, needs, expects in the place they call home. I picked up the pace of my walk because I did not want to engage with her on any level. Yet I know and must face the fact that she had become a part of my life. Denial and ignoring her would not make her disappear from my psyche.

I did not ask for her to come to my place and attempt what she deemed to be a normal existence. I am naturally a suspicious person. You are not gonna walk into my presence and become a part of my life because we share a space. I am going to back up and observe you, I am going to analyze your look and behavior. I will likely make an escape from you and your presence cautiously.

Back to my soon to be former neighbor, she is being evicted. One might think I am cruel or cold because in my mind, she cannot be sent away too soon. I am also not alone in my sentiment. We, the residents who follow the rules, say to ourselves and one another, ” One down one to go…” Yet as you see this woman sitting staring into space, the compassionate human inside of you wishes it did not have to be this way. The truth is we all want and need to connect with one another. Human beings are social creatures. Some are better at making connections than others, Then, there are the ones who are downright terrible at connecting.

Where does that leave the bulk of us, in society in general, in a community, in a complex. If you knew that this woman was recently homeless living in her car, that she had gotten a break and able to have adequate housing, only to be faced with the same condition again. Would your heart bleed for her? Or would you ask more questions? If you did you would discover that from day one she began collecting trash and branches from trees to bring inside of her apartment and the building, you would find out that she has a dog that she does/did not have on a leash nor did she pick up his waste until she was told to, you’d hear about her taking things from her neighbors doorways because she wanted to, and how she smoked inside her apartment and outside the building too close to the entrances of a non-smoking community? These are but a few of the violations she as committed since moving into the community, less than three months ago. From a distance, where you are not personally affected, you can still hold onto that human compassion. However, when you find out that she has mental challenges, is on medication that she willfully does not take, the picture becomes clearer and clearer. One might say, she needs some help/assistance to intervene on her behalf…. or one might think what if you were personally affected. Honestly, I accept and realize we as adult humans can and will do whatever we think we want to do. To this I say,” Have at it, as long as what you decide to do ONLY has bearing on YOU. For once your actions interfere with another, you are guilty of violating their individual rights and YOU have no right to do that. If we all kept this consideration of others in mind, and my soon-to-be -former neighbor especially, perhaps she would not be faced with her current dilemma as well as other controversies.

Therefore, armed with some or all of this information one can understand how in spite of all of this, I almost feel sorry for her. Also understand I cannot wait until she is no longer a resident of the building, I call home.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged ,
28 Apr 2026
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Great Expectations Too/Two?

Responsibilities and requirements, who gets to assign these things to us? How did they obtain this power? Do we have the ability to take this away from them? Are we just to accept and follow? What about the ones we assign to ourselves?

Sometimes being present, available, and kind gets taken the wrong way. Positive gestures turn into perceived obligations, and one may not even be aware of this transformation. People who are close to you may take it for granted that you simply do this particular thing and it is NOT apparent to you until one day you don’t, because you can and/or you want to.

I had an elder cousin once tell me,” You cannot help everybody”. He was referring to a family member, and it was in regard to himself and his sibling. I remember thinking how selfish, heartless, and unfeeling one had to be in order to make such a statement. I also recall many an elder person state, ” Keep livin” when something happened that did not quite make sense occurred and I turned to them for an explanation or advice.

How do kind gestures turn into jobs? I submit to you all parties involved are good people. Yet, something gets misinterpreted and lost in the translation. One can help another time after time, but when the help ceases, they are looked upon as negligent. Rather than appreciate the kindness for what it actually is the recipient takes it for granted. The provider perhaps should have pointed out this was a voluntary favor. Why should that be? Are we so self-absorbed that now we do NOT realize and recognize that certain things do NOT have to happen. In a needy state we still have the audacity to demand instead of request. That which is important to you, is NOT always a priority to others.

Appreciation can be silent; gratitude should not be, but neither should be turned into more of a JOB than a kindness. That is never acceptable. Look at your “gifts” and identify the fact that they are just that. One day they may no longer be, what will you do then? Will you bemoan how things used to be, or wish for a time go by? Live in the present; behave and believe things change in a heartbeat but know for this moment you are happy that you have what you have. Depart from that Great Expectation and replace it with greater Thankfulness.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , ,
26 Apr 2026

How Many Times Before It Registers

My health and fitness journey began quite by accident. I was 15 and quite overweight. I had not gotten to a place where I could be happy with being tall. Therefore, being identified as tall and overweight was often just shortened to big. Exactly what a teenaged girl wants to be thought of as. I longed for invisible. I did what I could to NOT be noticed. It worked but NOT without incident.

Christmas break brought about a change that I did not see coming and it took a while to register. I was ill the first week and because I got a bike, my best friend and I used to ride to the beach nearly every day. Clothes “suddenly” were too big. I thought to myself (never would I say aloud for fear of my very life) my mother must have done something to them when she laundered them. I was delusional. Laundering clothing rarely (if ever) causes them to become too big. Shrinkage is the common problem. This thought pattern is a testament to the state of mind I had to have been in.

In a conscious sense, I did not realize I was overweight. I was tall/big, so that made my contemporaries appear little. I (never compared my big to their little. The proportions were enough of an explanation for me. It is funny how the mind works. It protects us even when we are not aware that we need protection. It took me years to realize that the individual I looked at in the mirror was internally the same being but on the exterior a transformation had taken place. Perhaps it was difficult to see because I had not been the one who initiated the change. It was nature, behavior and conditions brought about the change without my even noticing it.

Now as we enter another phase of life, growth and development manifest quite differently than what we became accustomed to. Growing older takes on a level of awareness that we do not want to accept. Things are going backward and slowing down. Just when we thought we had a handle on how life would flow, things were making sense, registering if you will our understanding changed.

We are left in a place that dictates we pay attention to the tiniest of details and at the same time we must not misinterpret those tiny details. Additionally, we must decipher which tiny ones actually count and which ones can be disregarded. How big should a small spot on our skin be in order for us to go into the doctor and have it checked for melanoma? How high should our blood pressure be lest we concern ourselves about heart attack and or stroke? Did I make the payment for my property taxes? We forget thoughts mid-sentence, we cannot find our keys, and we just laid them down… And we wonder why we forget “stuff”.

One would think it would be easy to slow down and take a breath, but when you watch more and more of your contemporaries deteriorate or suddenly pass away how do you manage that? I don’t have any answers, merely observations and things I try to practice myself. 1st realize the process of dying started taking place the moment we took our first breath. We have no more control of that now than we did then; barring dangerous and unhealthy physical practices (you know what you do). Next take to heart something we have been hearing in one way or another throughout our lives… “Don’t sweat the small stuff. AND it’s all small stuff.” If it seems remotely familiar then ask yourself, “How many times does this have to happen, How many times do I have to travel these paths before I get the gist of these simple concepts?” How many times before it registers.

Posted in Order of Appearance and tagged , , | Leave a comment
25 Apr 2026

Just Like The Rats?

Several years ago…ok a couple of decades ago I read a piece about how rats respond to their environment. I was quite surprised by the finding. I had always thought of the little creatures as filthy, diseased, vermin. They incited a feeling of disgust and avoidance. This study, however, was suggesting that these rodents are products of their environment. It suggested that if the environment were to be changed so would the behavior of these animals.

I live in a senior complex (55 years old and above permitted). I expected that there should be peace, serenity, comfort and cleanliness. Much to my surprise, there were shortcomings. Retirement in a small city has afforded me a bit of flexibility. Flexibility with my time at first was barely noticed, but now I find myself going through the motions as though I actually have a plan or schedule to keep. When I depart from that delusional behavior, I put myself in a state that gives me gratification in doing something productive. For example, I see areas of concern that affects all of the residents, I promptly report these shortcomings. As you might imagine this is often met with mixed reactions.

Enter the perceived “rat-like” behavior. 80 units is not a very large complex, my expectations are high, perhaps very high. Some of my neighbors, while appreciative of having such a place to live in, tend to disregard others who live here. Not a great deal of loud music, this is sort of surprising because as we age and our individual functions break down. What we have an abundance of is mindless littering, because there are more than one or two individuals residing in a controlled contained area. The overlapping fosters an environment where my dirt can and will overlap yours, even if I am inconsiderate of the fact I am not the only one who occupies the area. This is especially true of common areas. Spills on the floors, papers discarded by merely abandoning them wherever one decides to leave them, hand and fingermarks on walls, elevators, and glass doors; these infractions while unsightly not cause for extreme concern (except when have a former cleaning business owner that is a basic clean freak). The thing(s) that disturb and concern someone like me are matters of health and hygiene in addition to the aesthetic. Our cleaning crew is inadequate by my standards (one lone woman who has 3 levels to clean). She misses a lot. When I get in the elevators (which I try not to) and I see where someone who undoubtedly lives here has blown their nose and utilized the wall for a tissue I am both angered and disgusted. I think, ” They are vermin”. Truth is they are worse.

When then overcrowding happened with the rats there was filth, disease, and rampant discord (fighting, some so violent death occurred). Now perhaps this is an oversimplified, even extreme version of society examined from a tiny cross-section (my complex). Yet all one has to do is see the similar pattern. My complex is not overcrowded; it is mismanaged and understaffed. Few residents care; they are happy to be housed. It is sad that we as seniors feel lucky to have the minimum requirements for life. However, that does not excuse or exclude “us” from behavior that has NOTHING to do with our particular stage of life. I venture to say when these individuals were younger, the same nasty habits exhibited were a part of who they were then, and this is merely a continuation of bad habits acquired earlier in life. Once again, the rats are still better disciplined and or behaved than people. The rats are responding to environment and circumstance, that is very different from making conscious decisions or choices.

My simple solution would be simply move. I certainly have tried to organize to give my neighbors a sense of pride and responsibility. I actually have done some of the cleaning myself. Perhaps they think I am crazy and disregard my words as the ramblings of a mad woman trying to make them do work at this late stage of life, when all they want to do is sleep, eat, and rock on the porch. In that instance they are exactly like the rats, stuck with no place to go and this is their way of dealing with it.

Posted in You Nasty MF and tagged , , , | Leave a comment
11 Apr 2026

Sometimes It Just Doesn’t Seem Real

2:13 in the morning, I am actually preparing to go to sleep. I made the mistake of napping earlier in the evening. I am restless, but very aware I need to get that REM sleep. The tele has gone into the inactive state. Now images from my picture library are appearing. I pay them little attention, but then an image of Jay (my late son), Carlton, and Wes (my late husband) appear. It is Jay’s 1st birthday. His face and hands look as though they were dipped in the chocolate frosting. They are all smiling, clearly posing, but they is a sense of joy on their faces. I stop in the midst of my sleep preparation and allow myself to immerse myself in that moment in time. A time when my family was intact, a time where I could not fathom 38 years in the future. The place I currently occupy. For a brief millisecond that feeling is real.

I hear Wes’ voice; I see the kids’ irrepressible smiles. I feel “at home”. Then, my consciousness awakens. I am alone in my bedroom. My “Tiana’ sleeps at my feet (for now). Without thinking but surely knowing, my eldest is in another state with his family, my youngest son and my husband are no longer here on Earth with me. The overwhelming sadness engulfs me. I do not breakdown on the outside, but on the inside what I feel simply returns to the place it has occupied for the past 8 years, ever-present and unwavering.

For a short period in time, we can sometimes let our mind do what is needed, so that we can continue to function. We never forget; we simply learn to manage or let the forces within us take on and take over, that which we are not equipped to. The truth is sometimes it just doesn’t seem real.

Posted in Quickbits, VILOMAH and tagged , , | Leave a comment
05 Aug 2025

Algorithms and Such

Defined an algorithm is a set of rules to be followed in calculations or other problem-solving operations.

Well in my humble opinion dating is a problem worthy of solving. I am thinking I am not alone. The dating apps are all over and each one suggests, if not promises results that others cannot. Any good salesperson is going to fill your head with suggestions but how you interpret, process, and regurgitate this information is likely gonna fall on YOU.

First let’s be clear here, the dating apps do not clearly STATE there is use of algorithms. However, we as a society are a smart, educated, informed group. We are using the process of elimination and deductions to draw the conclusion an algorithm is being utilized. Dating apps evolved from dating services and personal ads. I imagine if younger people read this piece their response will be “WTF is a dating service/personal ad?” However, to my targeted audience you all know of what I speak.

There are other factors of course; numbers, personal data collection, etc. I do submit that it is a combination of these factors plus the algorithm which give the dating apps “wings”. The numbers are simple; we are dealing with the amount of submissions… basic counting. The personal data collection is a bit more complex, for it leaves room for alterations and fabrications from the very source. Let’s be real, everyone is not telling the truth. Now the algorithm is stuck with drawing a conclusion with tainted data. Then someone like me comes along and says,” The algorithm is f#@&ed, why bother telling the system my preference is over 6′ yet a 5’5″ guy is in my “perfect match” column?”

What can I say… I decided to swim in this dirty water. I know there are risks but we are all adults here, in my case “waaay adult”. Therefore, I scroll and swipe. Sometimes the photos ARE all you need. When you are a writer, it is difficult to use that as a primary screening process. Our natural curiosity makes us go deeper; we want to read the “story” and get a feel for the character. While many can manage a working title, few can pull off the other elements. Then it becomes too much effort, and the imposters simply decide to move on. After all, throw enough… stuff against a wall, something will stick. What is left are the casualties of the process. Casualties that try to remain hopeful something good will slip through and the algorithm will actually yield positive possibilities and/or results.

Posted in Dating 6.0, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , | Leave a comment
28 Jun 2024

Good Morning Mourning Heart Ache

And the title says it all. I will mourn for all the days I remain on this Earth for my son, Jay. Jay was one of the sources of my joy. Any of my readers who have children understand and know this to be true, because they have children. I will not try to address every tiny little detail of what it is to be a parent, let alone what it is to be a parent of a child who is no longer here with you. I want to tell you about my morning mourning.

It came in quite unexpected; it is never welcome but it a part of the experience I must and will feel. As I process through life, as I make ready for an impending relocation… I pack. I have relocated many times. While I do not enjoy the process there are many upsides to this venture/adventure. Plus, when you move several times, you learn tricks to make the process “easier”.

I am convinced this will be a well-prepared jaunt to my next space, but as I said, ” I pack”. As I do this prepared pack(ing), it is serving multi-purposes. I have a chance to clean, rearrange, discard, reminisce for moments. Sometimes you do get sidetracked, but all-in-all the sidetrack is a break from the job that MUST be done.

I have a place that I decided would be helpful, after we lost Jay. I did not dedicate an entire room (I could have easily done this), but I found a lovely Lane Cedar Chest, what once was called a “hope chest“. I felt a “hope chest” was an appropriate place to store some of my Jay’s things. This chest would be giving me easy access to the place where I can have things that make me feel those moments again. Plus giving the extra… a “special effects” type experience. Also, the mere utterance of the name hope, sometimes is what I need to give me some, yes HOPE. I was going to pack the office; I was passively entertaining the idea that the office may not even BE at my next spot. I looked at the chest and I started taking down some things; Jay’s diploma from Oglethorpe, a sketch my sister-friend drew for me of a cardinal, “Black Panther” ornaments (Jay was so excited about that movie but did not live to see it). I half smile as I think he and Chadwick Bosman probably have great philosophical conversations. I opened the chest, and my breathing became labored… I knew it was coming. The tears began to form and roll down my cheeks, my hands covered my face as though there was someone watching. I was paralyzed in that space, yet I needed to escape it. I walked out of the office in a “zombielike” trance and still covering my face that now was masking the sound too. I was blindly searching for a wall, so I could be held upright because my knees were weak, my heart was racing, my mind was spiraling… I was back at Grady Hospital January 14, 2018 hearing those doctors gently telling us Jay was gone. I without thinking simultaneously reached out my arms for his father and the love of his life, because I saw them both collapsing, and I only thought to lessen their falls.

As I was taken back there, I realized I was falling in that moment too, but there was no one to catch me. I did what I had/have always done, I took care of people. Family, friends, even strangers…. in that horrible moment there was no one for me because I assigned myself the position of rock. Today I realized I needed a rock and here I was in that place once again… this time there was no one else to be held up, but there was no one to hold me up either. This morning in my mourning, I came face to face again with the thought, “It will always be with you for the LOVE will always be with you….. Billie Holiday’s song sung by Diana Ross in Lady Sings The Blues came to my mind…“ Good Mornin Heart Ache” I had to write this, and the title seemed proper.

Posted in VILOMAH and tagged , , | Leave a comment
13 Nov 2022
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Resisting The Overwhelming Need To Be Petty

Ok we are all human. One thing about that is, it makes us subject to our very weak, vulnerable, not-so-positive characteristics. These aspects of us can be obstacles we will find difficult to overcome and many times we may not even have the desire to fight off these same undesirables.

All that build up is to try to make my story a bit more palatable. Okay I am actually trying to justify a particular behavior, that I am not quite proud of. Belonging to the gray brigade is a badge of honor that we do not always wear proudly. Especially when many of us aren’t exactly gray (thanks to hair/ color enhancing techniques), but nonetheless it is still a badge of honor. Honor is something that is bestowed on one not necessarily because of self-proclamation or even something that was intentionally done. It is given because one is oftentimes deserving of it but did not consciously seek the adulation. Let us move into the other direction, to the land of petty.

I make attempts to separate myself from certain situations and certain beings. I do this because I do NOT want to be committed to these same things and individuals. Keeping the expectation not low but nonexistent. Don’t misunderstand this, I am able and willing to help, and I will it is the obligatory socializing that comes as a reward for good deeds that I am not fond of. A simple “thank you” will suffice, and all parties can return to their respective spots.

Residing in a complex where the individuals fit into a certain classification has its benefits as well as its drawbacks. I gave up a degree of privacy for cost-effectiveness. I sacrificed a bit of luxury for convenience. I let go of these two things of my own free will and had virtually no regret, note I said virtually… My complex has many individuals of varying health conditions, the economic status is also a challenge, then there is the demographic in general. I realized when I came to this place it was going to be a place to rest my head; I would be cordial but not overly friendly, approachable, nor accommodating. Humans…we are such curious creatures. After the initial queries things began to calm down. Residents learned the new stranger was strange and perhaps stand-offish. But she was polite, helpful, and had a sense of pride in the community. Characteristics many of them lacked.

However, all of us wants/needs to be special. If it is as simple as seniority or complex as self-proclaimed entitlement these things make themselves known. WE are discussing petty here. At my residence there are no garages, a luxury I miss but have adjusted to. The weather here is not that extreme, we have a secured building, but no security gate to access our parking lot. We also do NOT have assigned spaces. Here it comes, that “seniority/ entitlement stuff”. There are a select number of individuals who have parked in a certain space so often they feel as though that spot belongs to them exclusively. Only outsiders park in the spots when these said individuals leave and if they return to find “their” spots occupied there is a sense that a true violation has taken place. I found myself buying into this culture before I actually knew what had happened.

I selected an area that I wanted to park my vehicle in. That area soon was narrowed down to a couple of spaces that fit my need/desires/ liking best. Several things were taken into account. What individual tended to park in the same area was a factor, as well as the car they drove and its condition. I was not upset if I vacated the spot and returned to find it taken, I simply moved to another. However, someone parked in “my” prime spot and stayed there all day one day. Then the next day they were again in THE SPOT. Now as I said there are several that can serve the purpose, but this had become my favorite. I would never confront anyone about parking in a non-handicap unassigned space, but after a couple days it did feel personal. I found myself looking out my window to see if the spot was available so I could move my car into THE SPOT. I felt the need to reclaim this unassigned spot that “I” had selected for myself. I did move my car back to my space of choice a couple of times and in the past that was all that was required for someone to get the point that space was basically taken. This did not seem to be the case this time. Now I was taking it personal. I found myself seizing any and all opportunities to take that space back. If it was late at night, if I was on my way out (because I am not tied to any real schedule) I initially pulled into that space if not for the person parking in the space, but for the other residents to see and possibly take notice and or report it to that person. I was delaying and altering my life for the sake of a parking spot.

Subconsciously I knew it was being petty. I knew I could park blocks away and because I was in decent physical shape and my car was properly insured, there really was no issue. Yet I continued to allow this to be something I took notice of. Ironically a couple things had transpired in a relatively short period of time. One of the key reasons I parked where I did was because there was an obnoxious drunk guy that used to make it his business to talk to me. My upbringing would only allow me to be so rude, so condescending … basically he never got it and if he did his intoxication facilitated him forgetting and speaking the next time he saw me any way. Avoidance was my only refuge. However, he moved away. I was thrilled. This freed up another area I could feel comfortable parking my vehicle in. Yet I still paid attention to where I used to park. Finally, I came to terms with “my petty”. It was a night that the weather was rather inclement. I looked out my window and saw the space was open. For an instant I imagined myself getting dressed, grabbing my keys and moving my car to a space that was farther away from the door, a space that would remove me from the comfort I had settled into for the night. THE SPOT. I was disappointed in myself, but happy for the realization that I was in fact being “PETTY” and it did not matter. Happily, I did not make that move, it was the first step in my overcoming one phase of my “petty”. I look forward to NOT allowing that to happen to me again. Even though I realize I have that in me, and I sincerely hope it does not manifest in the form of a parking space again.

Posted in Fictional Accounts, How We Relate and tagged , ,
01 May 2014
1 Comment

Ignite Some Happy

I grew up being taught to respect my elders. As life continues on and I watch myself and my peers entering the stage of life where we are considered elders, I see things unworthy of respect. Everyone is due respect, until they do something that takes them out of  that position.

We are growing older without growing up and you might say at 50 something isn’t it time to become an adult? I see our group running around trying to keep aspects of our lives that are fading away(i.e. outward appearances), but they are affecting who we are internally. We should learn that who we are internally is what really matters the most.

Older people often criticize the youth for having no respect for themselves or others, but who did they learn this from. Did we  fail to teach or did we fail to learn from our teachers? Inside of us exists a fire, it may be real or it may be a figment of our imagination. It is good to have that burning within, but hopefully we know where and when to extinguish it, for fire burning out of control is very dangerous.

These  same older people who cannot move as fast as before do not deserve to be run over, but they do not get to hold up traffic and throw you the finger because of your impatience. Think of yourself in this slower place and try to be understanding, work on yourself in a manner that will help enable you to accept the changes of life. Don’t get mad because you cannot do what you once did, instead do all that you are capable of in the state of  THE NOW.  Don’t be fueled by anger. It is unflattering and unwanted. Next time something ferocious grows within you, use it and go ignite some happy.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , ,

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