Dear HOPE
I suppose you are lost. I know I hadn’t seen you for years. I did not realize this until one day I discovered that yet another part of me was missing. Unlike pain and anger, you were not loud and/or disruptive. You are subtle. Your presence as well as your absence can be overlooked. One knows something is NOT quite right, but it takes time to put a finger on what exactly is wrong.
Sitting in silence one afternoon, unable to focus on anything in particular you made it clear. You were missing. You were the reason so many things were NO longer important. You NOT being around made so much seem futile. Most things that were actually important, were neglected at best. How can you be so important but go missing and NOT be noticed. Noticed is perhaps the wrong word, I became oblivious to you.
As important as you are, as essential as you are to life and a healthy state of mind, I looked away from you. I lost sight of your very existence. I realize I lost sight of my very existence when I lost sight of you. It made sense to me. How could you be around, how could you be a part of me and my life when someone so important and necessary for my very being was gone, taken away from me. I was focused on that reality, there was no time no space, no place for you. I felt abandoned. I knew when you were around, I was not ALONE. I held you so tight and still you slipped away. You were subtle but when I came to notice you were gone that knowledge hit me abruptly.
I came face to face with your absence and I asked, “What do I do now?” Did you leave or did I send you away. Did I forget to do something that allowed an opening for you to escape through? I don’t think you wanted to go, but I do know I was not giving you the attention and acknowledgement needed for you to be sustained.
Dear HOPE I see you standing before me, but you don’t look the same. I am reluctant to approach you for I fear you will once again leave me. I don’t know that I have the mental or physical strength to handle that again. Are you equally worried that I will turn my back on you or ignore you as you quietly slip away because I am too concerned with that which is right before me. A reality that engulfs me and clouds my vision, along with my perspective to a point that I am nothing more than the existence of sorrow. Dear HOPE now that I am aware that you were not with me, is it okay if I want you to come back even if I don’t consciously know how you can or will.
hafacenturyncounting 