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What’s A TALL Lady To Do?

Being forced back into the “dating scene” a virtual no-mans–land has been enlightening, amusing, and annoying.

In 2020 amidst disease and devastation; human beings- genetically social creatures have been forced inside and separate from that which is our nature. STRIKE ONE

I am 60. Not in bad shape by many standards ( physically, financially,but I am slightly crazy like most of Earth), but 60 just the same. BALL ONE

However, I am 5’10” tall. Pause take that in. It is NOT remarkably unusual. I will not make the Guinness Book Of Records by any means. Yet when I tell  you in most situations I stand heads above most..females and males alike. BALL TWO

I want to date a TALL man (taller than I and I strongly suggested this on my dating profile “looking for a man 6’2” and above). I am picky..how dare I. STRIKE TWO..

Now my calls(ball vs strike) are subjective. I rated them based on my opinion and reaction to what I have experienced or seen. I may already be OUT. I have to look at this in a humorous fashion because it is the place I currently occupy.

Look I did not JUST become 5’10”; All the way back to elementary school, when (in those days) the teacher lined you up in ascending height order, I was either at the back of the line or second to the back of the line. I disliked that..okay I HATED it. As we ventured through childhood and inevitably start becoming interested in the opposite sex, no boys liked me. I used to think it was JUST because I was ugly. However, last night one of the interested parties of one my dating sites, opened my eyes to that which I had never thought of.

Now I have never dated a short man/ man shorter than me, though many have tried and approached years ago as well as  in the present. I was/am always polite. I have been told everything from It really does not matter to Are you serious, that’s a deal breaker for you?  I laughed silently at the irony that most of my dear beautiful female friends, who are ALL shorter than I, managed to date even marry men taller than most men I dated and did eventually marry ( my late husband was 6’1/2″ tall). Imagine a woman of my stature invisible…. However the key to finding a solution is to truly recognize/identify the problem. Though I would NOT intentionally let a man that was vertically challenged know I had an aversion to him, a man I deemed short/small I had that aversion just the same. Now I was given a different take and from a relatively tall man. Although it sounded primitive, it did make a lot of sense. Let’s be real humans are very basic when you get right down to it.  He told me friends that fell into the height range I was interested in  did not like the idea of a woman having hands and feet that were close to the size of their very own hands and feet. He further explained the idea of being handled by one with similar dimensions in an intimate fashion was the major reason .

I laughed, because I knew it was something, I knew I was NOT imagining that tall men were NOT particularly attracted to tall women. I thought of the cliche’ , ” opposites attract” and how often I brushed that logic aside. I WAS going to date that tall man.. My intention is still that, I just now know of an obstacle I was not aware of before. I now know there is a REAL challenge. Possibly something of the same magnitude as my aversion, may be directed at me. I am not even saying my friend is right, he just put something else on my mind. With his information to ponder I did say, “What’s a TALL lady to do?”

The Dating Game: I Don’t Belong Here

Now that the flaws have been pointed out, we come to the conclusion, This is NOT the place for me. The dishonesty, the scams, the sheer” wastes of time”. What did I think? What did I expect? I have always been a person who would take you at face value, not because I was naive, just because I had no understanding as to why one would lie simply for the sport of it. People on these sights love to LIE.

Some of the liars are creative, they are attempting to sell a product..themselves. Selling themselves in a bigger than life package. Others are opportunist, seeking to collect what they can as rapidly as possible.  Still others are escape artist, hoping to find a way out of their mundane existence.

I asked myself ,” What are you doing; why are YOU here?” Again, taking things at face value; the site leave out so much. Missing from the description was CAUTION: enter at your own risk, and for entertainment purposes only. How could they be that honest though; who would jump feet first into what more often that not would yield disastrous results and failures.

Here wrapped up into one package was “from the ridiculous to the sublime personified. I do NOT try to flatter myself into believing a man in his 30’s is “holla-in” at my 60 year old behind, seeking anything more than a “meal-ticket”. However,when you fill in the answers and you are case specific…I don’t know I expected more. The screening mechanisms ARE FAILING miserably! It has been an interesting venture though. Some of my favorites are as follows…

The guy who wanted my telephone number ever so badly because he was not on the site that often. When I suggested we talk more than 5 minutes and that the site was my preferred method of contact. He was insulted and blocked me immediately.

The guy who happened to be white and wanted to know if i dated outside my race. I told him I really had NOT dated in decades because I was married until I became widowed. I told him I did not have an issue. I asked him had he ever dated a black lady before? He proceeded to ask me if I was” BY-SEXUAL” I did not bother correcting his spelling because he was unable to  differentiate between my asking had HE dated black women and me saying I dated black women even when I told him to go back and re-read. So I simple said “good-bi” to that genius.

I am pretty sure I said I was only interested in communicating  with bi-pedal homo sapiens..Oops I’d better watch out that may mean I am “gay” in on-line dating world. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is a great concept. I am putting the blame on ME and as the title suggests “I Don’t Belong..”:

The Dating Game: “The One”

There was a group called the Chi-Lites and they had a song.. You Gotta Be The One..the bridge repeated the title 3 times.. As I swiped through countless profiles I’d hear that song. The problem was “The One’ had NOT shown up. Did they really think I was that naive (I am being kind here). As a writer I put together a pretty clear and concise profile. Yet time and again questions would be presented that clearly demonstrated nothing even close to scanning over the profile, was apparent. Sometimes it was funny other times it was just annoying. “Hello can I contact you on____ so we can talk easier” was the standard run-on-sentence approach, more times than not. The explanation as to why, was just pure comedy. I found myself mildly confrontational at times, other times I’d just keep with one word replies.

Then it happened suddenly out of nowhere. He subtly appeared. He had what I had suggested I was looking for. As though I had put an order in from a catalog and here was the real irony, he wasn’t even on the site.

He came to be in the classic fashion. We met by chance in person. I didn’t even notice him. Precise, charming, and a gentleman. This is scary, but Ima roll with it. Then all the smoothness turned into bumpy -road. I am a bit out of practice, but my memory IS intact. He was the “straw that broke this camel’s back”.  Well at least he has used up all of his chances. Patience and tolerance is not in high quantities at this age. At least not for me.

I have learned there is still NO-IDEAL place or way to meet “the one”. At least not “the one” for me. I suppose he IS out there, but I will have to sift through so many others who aren’t . I cannot create him beyond what I say/think I want or want him to be. I cannot change one who does NOT possess the qualities that he has, have them. I have to admit, I was hoping for an easy transition, a simple quick solution.

The Dating Game; LIES

NOT to my surprise people are NOT honest on these sites. Why is that? If you are looking for a true match should you NOT begin with the truth about YOU( at least on some level)? In examining this foreign place I soon found that I perhaps should follow my own advice. Funny thing was I did not realize this applied to me until I started working on this piece.

This is a difficult place for many.  Often time , already wounded, already damaged and seeking a solution to the dilemma ..self included. I mean who wants to put it out that they are scared, vulnerable, and lonesome. Those are pitiful words/characteristics and WHO wants to go out with someone like that.

My LIE..I am only looking for “platonic friends”. Why do I criticize or talk about lies when I lied too.  I thought if I don’t suggest I am looking for a companion I could avoid the flakes, perverts, and jerks. However, once again proof positive we are products of our environment. What did I do but add to that which serves to both frustrate and annoy me. I do not hope to suggest you give out your social security number and address to each person you encounter, but you have to tell some form of the truth in the critical areas.

I concluded that I do not like the process and I am not willing to give it more of a chance than I already have. I felt pressured into presenting something that was not accurate. Was this step one? Well I will NOT be taking step two.

The Dating Game:”LoveLetters?”

I wait to hear your voice, but the sound of it is lost. I long to see your face, but only a shadow remains. I cannot remember being touched, because it is your presence I need.

Far from the place I spoke of at the beginning of this piece, is the area I now occupy. I battle to adjust to this new existence, but there are always surprises. This is my tribute to my NOW.

I will begin LoveLetters with what I feel is appropriate for the tone and direction of  my  NOW.  At least this is how I see it. Therefore rather than an actual note professing beauty, commitment, and undying emotion I begin at an ending.

Sadly my dear here we are. We showed so much promise. Not connected by the urgent factors youth present to us, we were able to coast. We could give one another a chance to take time to “smell the coffee”. Our journey to discover was however met with impatience and intolerance, I don’t mind admitting I was the culprit. You see against my better judgement I violated my own set of rules for you. I thought YOU were different, the only difference is now you do NOT have the excuse of youth and inexperience(young and stupid). Yet you still are. I am not here to bash you; I feel compelled to say “good-bye” with an explanation, not to be mean or ugly or expecting a reaction. This is about the conveyance of information. I like, you will not change nor will I make the necessary adjustments for anything to happen beyond what has already transpired between us, We could recover and move forward because of this. Good news is neither of us have invested virtually anything into this venture. It truly has been “eye-opening” for me. So the adage, You can’t teach an old dog new tricks is not completely true in this case, at least not for me. So good-bye my mysterious, almost _____( I have no idea where we were headed). You have to know you don’t get to make rules, set up guidelines, and not be able to follow them yourself, nor do you get to do those things without the input of the other party. You tried to and THAT my friend is a recipe for failure. News Flash.. YOU FAIL!

Best wishes and no further contact is needed.

I know that did not sound or feel like a LoveLetter but it was. It was for me, for my very being, and to re-enforce “I” am just fine with the standards “I” have set. I need NOT change, only the one that “fits the bill” need to approach. Right now It is undetermined as to whether or not he need apply.

One Step Ahead Of The Sorrow

Here it is getting close to 4 years since my entire world started to fall apart. It began as any avalanche does, all you can do is hope you are NOT in it’s path. Unfortunately I was. I took one direct hit after another. I kept pushing through, I kept moving forward. Not because I had any type of thought pattern which bought me to a reasonable conclusion. I kept moving forward because in the midst of turmoil, I was on auto-pilot and could only do what I was accustom to do.

Looking back I see that I am still on auto-pilot. I seemingly have managed to convince myself that I am moving in the right direction. In reality, I am just moving. I keep stepping because I fear what might/will happen if I slow down or stop. I fear the grief that i live with will overtake me and I will be reduced to a puddle, a puddle that no one will be able to bring back.

So I run; I run by working, I run by NOT sleeping, I run by putting on the brave face.  Some times in the day other times late at night, I look up at the faces I have surrounded myself with and I cry. Faces I will NEVER forget or put in the background of my psyche. The pain is no different today than it was almost 4 years ago, little over two years ago, and of course last year. I haven’t gotten over any of them, I have NOT gotten through any of the grief, I am still just trying to live. The fact I still breath and walk upright is an illusion..right there, just below the top surface lurks the weak, vulnerable being needing to go to the arms of the ones no longer here, wanting the comfort that ONLY their presence could provide and again I cry. I feel it for awhile and then I go back to doing what I am still trying to determine whether or not it works, keeping it moving and staying one step ahead of the sorrow.