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Archive for the tag “honesty”

28 Apr 2026
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Great Expectations Too/Two?

Responsibilities and requirements, who gets to assign these things to us? How did they obtain this power? Do we have the ability to take this away from them? Are we just to accept and follow? What about the ones we assign to ourselves?

Sometimes being present, available, and kind gets taken the wrong way. Positive gestures turn into perceived obligations, and one may not even be aware of this transformation. People who are close to you may take it for granted that you simply do this particular thing and it is NOT apparent to you until one day you don’t, because you can and/or you want to.

I had an elder cousin once tell me,” You cannot help everybody”. He was referring to a family member, and it was in regard to himself and his sibling. I remember thinking how selfish, heartless, and unfeeling one had to be in order to make such a statement. I also recall many an elder person state, ” Keep livin” when something happened that did not quite make sense occurred and I turned to them for an explanation or advice.

How do kind gestures turn into jobs? I submit to you all parties involved are good people. Yet, something gets misinterpreted and lost in the translation. One can help another time after time, but when the help ceases, they are looked upon as negligent. Rather than appreciate the kindness for what it actually is the recipient takes it for granted. The provider perhaps should have pointed out this was a voluntary favor. Why should that be? Are we so self-absorbed that now we do NOT realize and recognize that certain things do NOT have to happen. In a needy state we still have the audacity to demand instead of request. That which is important to you, is NOT always a priority to others.

Appreciation can be silent; gratitude should not be, but neither should be turned into more of a JOB than a kindness. That is never acceptable. Look at your “gifts” and identify the fact that they are just that. One day they may no longer be, what will you do then? Will you bemoan how things used to be, or wish for a time go by? Live in the present; behave and believe things change in a heartbeat but know for this moment you are happy that you have what you have. Depart from that Great Expectation and replace it with greater Thankfulness.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , ,
25 Apr 2026

Just Like The Rats?

Several years ago…ok a couple of decades ago I read a piece about how rats respond to their environment. I was quite surprised by the finding. I had always thought of the little creatures as filthy, diseased, vermin. They incited a feeling of disgust and avoidance. This study, however, was suggesting that these rodents are products of their environment. It suggested that if the environment were to be changed so would the behavior of these animals.

I live in a senior complex (55 years old and above permitted). I expected that there should be peace, serenity, comfort and cleanliness. Much to my surprise, there were shortcomings. Retirement in a small city has afforded me a bit of flexibility. Flexibility with my time at first was barely noticed, but now I find myself going through the motions as though I actually have a plan or schedule to keep. When I depart from that delusional behavior, I put myself in a state that gives me gratification in doing something productive. For example, I see areas of concern that affects all of the residents, I promptly report these shortcomings. As you might imagine this is often met with mixed reactions.

Enter the perceived “rat-like” behavior. 80 units is not a very large complex, my expectations are high, perhaps very high. Some of my neighbors, while appreciative of having such a place to live in, tend to disregard others who live here. Not a great deal of loud music, this is sort of surprising because as we age and our individual functions break down. What we have an abundance of is mindless littering, because there are more than one or two individuals residing in a controlled contained area. The overlapping fosters an environment where my dirt can and will overlap yours, even if I am inconsiderate of the fact I am not the only one who occupies the area. This is especially true of common areas. Spills on the floors, papers discarded by merely abandoning them wherever one decides to leave them, hand and fingermarks on walls, elevators, and glass doors; these infractions while unsightly not cause for extreme concern (except when have a former cleaning business owner that is a basic clean freak). The thing(s) that disturb and concern someone like me are matters of health and hygiene in addition to the aesthetic. Our cleaning crew is inadequate by my standards (one lone woman who has 3 levels to clean). She misses a lot. When I get in the elevators (which I try not to) and I see where someone who undoubtedly lives here has blown their nose and utilized the wall for a tissue I am both angered and disgusted. I think, ” They are vermin”. Truth is they are worse.

When then overcrowding happened with the rats there was filth, disease, and rampant discord (fighting, some so violent death occurred). Now perhaps this is an oversimplified, even extreme version of society examined from a tiny cross-section (my complex). Yet all one has to do is see the similar pattern. My complex is not overcrowded; it is mismanaged and understaffed. Few residents care; they are happy to be housed. It is sad that we as seniors feel lucky to have the minimum requirements for life. However, that does not excuse or exclude “us” from behavior that has NOTHING to do with our particular stage of life. I venture to say when these individuals were younger, the same nasty habits exhibited were a part of who they were then, and this is merely a continuation of bad habits acquired earlier in life. Once again, the rats are still better disciplined and or behaved than people. The rats are responding to environment and circumstance, that is very different from making conscious decisions or choices.

My simple solution would be simply move. I certainly have tried to organize to give my neighbors a sense of pride and responsibility. I actually have done some of the cleaning myself. Perhaps they think I am crazy and disregard my words as the ramblings of a mad woman trying to make them do work at this late stage of life, when all they want to do is sleep, eat, and rock on the porch. In that instance they are exactly like the rats, stuck with no place to go and this is their way of dealing with it.

Posted in You Nasty MF and tagged , , , | Leave a comment
08 Apr 2026

Proportionately Smaller

I stood patiently (not really but visually that was the case) in line at my favorite bath and body works store; I thought,” Why didn’t I just go to the counter before these two!?” I had a chance but no I had to walk around one more time, just in case I missed some-little-thing. I saw them interacting in my peripheral vision, just waiting for someone to notice them. Were they mother, daughter, and grandbaby in arms? Were they two good friends on a shopping venture? I didn’t know, I didn’t care. What I did I know, I was annoyed far beyond what I was willing to display. 30 years working for the Federal Government taught me the virtue of patience. Don’t think what I possess is admirable, it is merely a tool. A tool that allows me to NOT expend my energy on things that are ultimately pointless. Yet as I stood waiting, I could not help but notice the one I would call the mother. She was wearing a short set. It was cute, she was tiny. However, she was wearing block high heels.

My mind wandered as the transaction seemed to go on endlessly. Little attention was paid to this woman because she was, for lack of a better term, an acceptable height. She was non-threatening, because she did not take up a great deal of space. No one or nothing was disrupted, because she was present. The balance was NOT thrown off due to her basically blending in. I then thought of how less than 24 hours earlier I was “teased” about how short my skort/split skirt was. When in actuality my outfit was no shorter than what this woman wore. I have developed a Teflon coating, if you will, when it comes to what I appear like. You see, people like me are held to a different standard. We give a bit of a real illusion. Like the words illuminated on some side mirror of vehicles…”object may appear closer…” With folks like me, particularly women, we may appear larger than life. Then one is left with what is the definition of or the defining point when you say, “larger than life”. Yet from the vantage point of those who are proportionately smaller, we do not fit.

Quick facts 2-3% of the GLOBAL population is 6 feet tall.in the United States 14.5% of men are 6ft and 1% of the women. The average height of the American man is 5’9″ and the American woman is 5’3.5″. These are rough estimations from internet sources. Still, I say look around your immediate environment, that will tell you a story. For the record I am 5’10” in this instance, I AM proportionately smaller.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , | Leave a comment
30 Mar 2026

Tuck Tail and Run

What was I thinking. I sat and listened to him go on and on about himself. I was fascinated because I did not believe he was real. I enjoy challenges but I had decided he was self-absorbed… that was until he told me he liked me. Now who was self-absorbed? We carried on for more than three years. As fabulous as I thought he was I had to admit /realize (once again…) I crave this kind of man.
There was NOTHING special about me. The only thing that would make me special to him would be if HE thought I was special… and merely saying it would not mean it was so.

Why didn’t I just wash my hands of him? I could see the signs of danger. I wanted to believe he cared about me. I wanted to think I could have that type “love” of such a man again. 

I talked to myself; I said” You may be special, but he has had special women on so many other levels. Women who were prettier, smarter, more educated, more accomplished, in better financial positions. Still, he was single and unattached. WTF would make me compare. I was not going to put any more into him than I already had. I tested fate on the regular… needed to be sure. I wanted to know what I needed to know but NOT get hurt. So, I moved closer and closer to the flame.

He was smart, he was cautious with me, but he read people and he knew women. He would only get so close, then he’d retreat in order to see if I would take the bait and follow. Instead, I would acknowledge the bait but not take it. I believed he would grow angry, get bored, or move on. He did none of those things. I realized he was calculating (and math is NOT my forte). Therefore, I entertained the idea he kept dealing with me because he cared or I was a challenge. I knew one thing, because I did care about him and admired his very being, I needed to be extra cautious. That “flame” was bright and hypnotic. It would burn me. Then I would have to live with the fact I already KNEW this could/would happen.

Why do we NOT realize/acknowledge the power an individual can have over us? Why do we succumb to the unknown? Is it arrogance, ignorance, or weakness. Yet I stand in this presence ready to proceed, when I know what I really should do is “tuck tail and run “.

Posted in The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , | Leave a comment
03 Aug 2025

It’s Kinda Funny

This was not my choice. I was thrown into this pool by “life”. What I have found of life is that it IS random and unpredictable. Thus, my presence here and I will add…”It’s Kinda Funny“.

I have been writing at this blog for a little over 15 years now. By this time, I thought I would have many more followers. I thought I had something relevant and important to say, at least to the people that fall into the category I believe I address, my contemporaries. They were/are who I was concerned with addressing. Who was I trying to fool. These people I was/am addressing are busy being about the life I am merely talking about. While my blogs take a serious point-based turns, sometimes they are not thought provoking and sometimes they are funny. I only mean for them to be pertinent to those who find themselves reading them.

I was scrolling about on the internet and a reel came up from one of my favorite comedians…Sinbad. I have seen Sinbad in person, watched him on television and in movies. I love this guy and his style. He is a fabulous storyteller with the uncanny ability to make one look at themselves and recognize the humor in our very own existence. I decided that after months of NOT writing I would try my hand at this comedic method to tell a part of my story. My current position in the “dating world”. Sit back and/or hold onto your hats folks, for this is a visit to a place called “me”.

There are undoubtedly an entry of two about my life in the dating world on my blog/this blog. Therefore, I do not feel like starting at the beginning is necessary. If I need to revisit the beginning later, I shall but for now let’s start with where I am currently. Here I am, still single still wanting to have fun, still wanting to find a man who “gets” me and likes me anyway. I am NOT consciously looking for the fairy tale anymore but a step up from Armageddon would be nice.

65 and 66 is closing in on me rapidly. Many of my contemporaries are still married or “boo-ed up”. Happily, or not, I am sure when things are bad/challenging/questionable they find solace in saying to themselves or out loud…”well at least I am not alone like yours truly“. The dating apps are a Petry dish for scams and assorted other unpleasant things. The other options are limited, especially if your do not live in or very near a big city. No more than we could return to a rotary dial telephone, we are stuck with/fortunate to have the technology. To date I have NOT been scammed nor has anything really damaging happened to me. I would love to say I am just too smart for that to happen… I think in spite of my tempting fate I have just been lucky.

As a writer and a student of human behavior I visit areas (on the sites) that I know the undesirables dwell in. Meaning simply guys I should not talk to (offshore workers, Nigerian entrepreneurs, etc.) However, they do not limit themselves to places where the upstanding honest folks think they should be. They test and invade the places that we would never suspect, hoping to catch a fledgling or someone with their guard down. One might ask, ” Okay so when does this get funny?” This particular entry is an introduction to the path I have decided to give a guided tour of. Your tour guide is slightly more than a trainee. We all know that trainees are prone to error. We also know that barring the inside info the “company has provided them with, a reasonably intelligent adult could probably manage their very job excluding some jargon and trade secrets. At least we tell ourselves this.

Upon approach, the apps look remarkably the same as they did when I visited them some years ago (5 and a half to be exact). Slight changes are what my untrained eye can see. There are noticeably more to choose from, and the fee-paying member is more likely to be on these sites now. I still resist; I still say the site has meager choices for non-paying folks, why would I believe paying will make it better. You see I think it is all in the algorithm. I challenge myself to challenge it/them. This is where it starts to get funny… I am NOT a numbers person. Mathematical theorems and such are NOT my strong suit. Why would I think I could get around a number-based application? Enter, arrogance.

Posted in Dating 6.0, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , , | Leave a comment
19 Apr 2025
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Can Our Friendship Survive The Politics

This is a wonderful person. Funny, kind, logical, resourceful to name a few attributes. We mesh, my friend and me. However, there is something that can come between us and take all of this away. We both know it is true. We tactfully avoid this thing. We do not dance around it; we act as though it does NOT exist. This way we can go along and enjoy the great thing we have found in our friendship. However, it is there, and it will not go away.

Politics and political climate, if I am honest has always been a powder keg. There are times when it is more visible, more volatile, but it is always there waiting on a catalyst. If it goes to my liking, my friend may be quite unhappy and vice versa. Will I celebrate, will I rub it in her face, or will I revel in silent excitement and joy. What will she do faced with the same.

I have to admit there is some real ugliness that fuels my feelings regarding this subject and this particular politician. When I think of and say the things I do, or write what I write, or comment on different entries…then I think of my friend and have to accept I feel like she is a part of those feelings. She is those negative thoughts and comments, because otherwise she would not be on that side. I have to be fair; her political views have to make her say/think the some of the very same things.

How good of a friend can one be if they do not confide or feel free to discuss any and all things? Avoidance is not a building block for a healthy relationship. Sometimes we feel it is necessary to spare feelings, we take the lead, make ourselves into this self-sacrificing being and tell ourselves, ” It will be better in the long run to spare their feelings”. That is not all there is though. We don’t want to lose any good we have and a good person, a good friendship is difficult to let go of.

As I prepare to meet my friend for another lunch, shopping date, or movie night, I have to check my pulse. I cannot go without taking my political temperature. I do all of this and have to remain cognizant that all the checks and balances may not, will not, cannot prepare for all the possibilities for conflict. I just may not see it coming. Then the answer to the question will begin to be revealed.

Posted in One For My Friends, Quickbits and tagged ,
15 May 2024

No One Is Listening

More and more there are the calls which are riddled with pregnant pauses. We have to silently ask why, we used to have so much to say. Yet now the quiet is deafening, and the conversations are forced. You wonder why you even bother to call, soon do you actually stop calling. What happened? How did we get here?

Relationships are in a constant state of evolving. People change without a moment’s notice, but the individuals caught up in the relationship barely notice these changes that are taking place. We become numb and accustomed to behaviors, sights, and sounds. One day we look up and a metamorphosis has occurred, and we are astounded…how did it happen so quickly and unnoticed. You must take into account who these people are that you are in a relationship with.

“They” are the self-proclaimed (whether it is vocalized or not) center of the universe. Nothing going on of interest unless it is directly affecting them. Months will go by before “they” even realize you are NOT talking about what is happening with you. They will happily accept your claim of “nothing”, it is the open door to again ingratiate and embellish themselves.

Eventually you either confront the other party(ies) or you allow what is already taking place to take its natural course. Ironically, it is a smooth transition and will likely go unnoticed. They are so “self-absorbed” that you would be made to feel unreasonable in suggesting their actions were not palatable. Things have been this way for so long you have to work to remind yourself of what is correct. A sort of “Stockholm Syndrome” is a good description of what has happened to you. You must free yourself and in the process, you have to know that you will likely separate from one you believe you have come to know and love.

In our lives, where the pace is fast. The emotions are fleeting. The sounds are faint. Yet you still have to realize that no one is listening. If the sounds or signs were deafening, no one is paying attention. Therefore, all of the happenings go unnoticed. No one is listening.

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15 May 2024

D-I-V-I-N-E

Lying in your arms is simply divine. I know it won’t last forever because I could not survive FOREVER, but for now it is simply DIVINE. The very thought of it, of you…thinking of getting up and parting from you, simply moving or breathing could mean this feeling would change and the fact is I could not bear it, I just don’t want to. I just want to lay here with you and take you all in. I want time to stand still, I don’t want this to end.

Of course, it did end. We both returned to our respective lives. I had to come to terms with, ” I have no idea WHO this man is…” I cannot begin to explain how very sobering, as well as frightening that is. It certainly should be. We all watch the news, have viewed the reality type police stories, read papers and magazines alike. Yet, I allowed myself to be in the presence of a perfect stranger…and he was/is quite perfect I MUST add. The good news is he is far away. The good news is whatever, his daily existence is I have NOT endeavored to find out the details. I think I have an idea of what IS in fact going on, but I exist with the thought, ” It has nothing to do with me.”

I still can manage a smile (manage, I am hard pressed to restrain myself) when I think of him and the times we spent together. No this is no romance novel quality relationship; it is also not a sleezy article in an adult magazine. It IS a short story of a” Thing ” that happened, a ” Thing” that felt really good and as though it had real possibilities. I ask myself, what does it feel like to have everything seemingly going your way? What does it feel like to hold all of the aces, to KNOW things are gonna turn out just like you think you want them to? What does that feel like….I actually do know. It feels DIVINE.

Posted in Dating 6.0, How We Relate, Quickbits and tagged , | Leave a comment
08 May 2022

Dying Would Have Been Easy

Another day, another reminder that I have lost a child. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t need reminders, but that does not stop them. Actual or imagined sought after of spontaneous…they happen. Denying them will not make them go away either.

AS I take you to the place that never leaves me, I see the doctors’ faces. I see the chaplain and the social worker. I knew this was bad, I knew they were going to tell us something about what type of treatment or medication would now be needed. I knew the road back was going to be a challenging one, BUT I also KNEW we could do it! We were a strong viable determined family.

The words came, “unfortunately” was all my mind would wrap itself around. In an instant it said,” You are not going to fuckin tell me my kid is gone…” That is EXACTLY what he said. My husband fell to his knees on one side and Jay’s girlfriend, Jessica sobbed and dropped on the other… I thought,” This is NOT happening, it cannot be real, I want to scream, what am I going to do, I have to hold up Wes, I have to hold up Jessica, Oh God what am I going to do…I can’t breathe, I must breathe… I tried to hug them both, I needed to be hugged. I needed this moment NOT to be happening.

There it is. In that moment if someone, something, anyone, anything had presented I would have agreed to take his place, without a second thought. For in that instant there was more pain than one could imagine being physically possible. Yet I felt it. I knew in that instant I did NOT want to feel it anymore. However, as the moments continued, I knew I would. It hurt so much, the pain was so deep, how was it possible to feel all of this and survive? As I ask these questions and realize that I am still here…surviving…I know that dying would have been easy. I am NOT talking suicide. I am talking a simple change in the universe, an intervention from God Himself.

Through the years, I have battled, some days it seems that the battle is progressing. I cannot say getting better, for I always will wish for the impossible and I always KNOW it will not transpire. Hope left my very existence for a time and while it was gone, I never could put my finger exactly on it, but I knew it was missing. Once I realized IT had left me, I opened the door to let it back in my life, but without an invitation in. I did not clear a path, motion to it, or say the words to welcome. I simply allowed for it to do whatever IT chose to. Like what happened to me on January 14, 2018, it was/is outside of my control.

One of my followers read another post and share a story about themself. While I appreciate the comments, I don’t think I was clear. It motivated me to do this piece. I want it known that the ending of my life while I believe would have been easier than losing my child; I also know that particular part of my existence is as out of my hands, as his life was. When I am told I am not alone, I do realize this; but I want my reader(s) to know most of the time the feeling of alone and isolated, is accompanied with the pain, and it is that pain that parents/mothers like me want to be devoid of. However, loss of that pain comes with a high price. It means you feel like you have to somehow escape the source. In this case the source is my lost son. I would never make the choice to forget him. Instead, I make the choice to remember him, to remember the love, and bask in it. And YES, it hurts, YES, it is painful, but the universe did not offer me ANY choice so I have to live with it the best way I can for the time I am still here. That is why I say, The Dying Would Have Been Easy. Treasure your lives.

Posted in VILOMAH and tagged , | Leave a comment
27 Apr 2022
1 Comment

But If I’m Honest

His head dropped when he saw her now. She seemed unaffected and indifferent. However, not so long ago he looked forward to the chance encounters, even though he timed her moves. But if honesty can enter this discussion, he’d have to admit she really had not changed. The only thing that changed was they actually had a conversation and they knew each other’s names.

It is not always received well, one insinuating themself into the life/space of another. I think it is easier accepted if there is a not-so-nice interaction, but if one is in the most remote fashion civil, there are individuals who basically take the kindnesses and run. What I mean is all they need is a crack in an open door and they proceed with not sense of caution. These are the same individuals who will look/be butt–hurt when they are stopped in their tracks.

Many of us were taught as children to be respectful and polite. Then there are the others. Unpolished and unrefined their experience is often self-taught; this does NOT always translate well. Truth is there are people you should just leave alone. That is not saying they are bad/stand-offish/mean. That only says you have to make informed decisions about who and how you approach. There are people who are just EXTROVERTS. They enjoy people and interacting with. What one has to do is NOT mistake a polite greeting as an invitation in. Extroverts attract us; their magnetic personalities make all of us feel like it is not so bad to just be out there, because what comes easy to them, they manage to make appear easy to us. The INTROVERTS may not have the outward appearance of being shy but read the body language. If they turn away rather than speak, the folded arms. They do NOT want you in their space, if they did/do they WILL invite you in. This is by-no-means a clear, concise character study, just things I have seen.

Personally, I am neither an introvert nor an extrovert, defined. I believe I can and do come off a bit (we will call it this for arguments sake) distant. I also believe I do not send mixed messages. I speak and keep moving. In my mind, in my world, that is an example of what my dad characterized so many decades ago by saying Even two dogs on the street have the decency to bark when they see one another… a greeting should be a given. I do not want you to be upset with me by what YOU perceive as implied. I do want you embrace the obvious. Here is where the honesty comes in. If you pay attention and read the signs, you will get an idea of who you are approaching. You will be able to determine how to approach…or not. Finally, you will begin to realize if you had taken a moment or two more and paid attention, you would have made a better/different decision. If you are honest, you will see who is to blame for that butt–hurt.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged ,

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