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February and “Me Mum”

February used to be such a happy month for me. So many people I love and cherish were born during this month. Seemingly each year I came into contact with another person to add to that list. Then the losses began; now I do good to survive the first two months of the year. Mentally I am drained and wrecked. I battle to be a part of the present and when I examine why, it makes perfect sense. I realize that I am not searching for logic instead I am trying very hard to soothe the hurt and rediscover the joy. Though it is not an easy task I have to make the effort each and every day, but then there is February. Specifically, this day February 6th.

I travel back to a time when it was a virtual block party on 107th Street from the first of February through the 19th. Plus, you get the added bonus of Valentine’s Day…there was love everywhere. I mused at the irony of new people entering my life and how they fit neatly into this month. The shortest month of the year and I looked forward to it almost more than I did my own birth month. The Aquarians dominated my life from my very beginnings…my little sister did her very best to be a part of that club making her debut into this life on the 31st of January and arguably the 19th which is my father and older brother’s birthdays…they get a pass to being a part of the February Aquarius Club. You cannot be around so many of these people for so many years and NOT become like them of at the very least know how to get along with them and how they work.

All that build up to get to a very special lady, my mother as we called her most of her life mom and I playfully referred to her “me mum”. The first thing I would want to tell you about her is she was TOUGH. If you were in a fight, battle, struggle you could not ask for a better ally. I never saw her in a physical altercation of any kind, but she demanded respect and a look from her would reduce you and cause you to retreat. Growing up I never saw her as pretty, because she would work in the yard or under the hood of a car with my dad without hesitation. However, my dad was in awe of her and her beauty. Dad admired her hair, her stature, her smile, and those beautiful teeth. After I became an adult, I was able to see her as a beautiful woman with gorgeous features. Mom was smart. Salutatorian of her class She had an associate degree that I discovered among papers after she passed away along with her speech. I recall her telling me she wanted to become a nurse and move to Alaska, before she met my dad. She gave up her aspirations when she met and married him, but not because of him, but because what she perceived as being a good wife and mother. She never looked back, nor did she have any regret.

I learned from simply watching her, but if I had a question she would readily and honestly answer. I always thought she favored my brothers, so I accepted it. Sometimes I would mildly try to challenge her with my version of reverse psychology, she’d play along with me and still put me in my place without anger. I found myself scratching my head wondering how the tables had been turned on me so effortlessly. Yet it was just another teaching moment. Mom made me strong, and she expected me to be just that STRONG. When she was in her final days, I was at the hospital with her, I started crying because we had spoken to her doctor, mom’s medical directive was in place and clear. Even though she was no longer able to speak she still had that look. She showed me a grimace that let me know she expected me to be strong. I said to her,” I am not as strong as you…” she kept frowning. I went into the bathroom washed my face dried my eyes. When I returned to her bedside, I looked at her, she gave me an approving nod.

I believe that she knew what I was going to have to deal with in the near future and I would not have time to be weak or vulnerable. I also think that she knew she would NOT be able to help me and her final gift to me was to reinforce the strength. When I tell you I have drawn on that strength repeatedly it is not an understatement. At the same time there are occasions, I know how much I want and need me mum with me so I could just collapse and cry. Then she could give me the reassurance she did, from my birth until her final days, that would let me know I would be okay, and I can go on. So HappyBirthday Mom, not a day goes by……

“Rats In Cuter Outfits…”

I guess I cannot help but to utilize metaphors in describing this journey through ” senior dating”. Try not to laugh. Although I find it comical as well as frustrating. Admittedly, I do not know what it is I am in search of at times. The one thing I am clear on is that I certainly have NOT come into contact with it…so far. As amazing as it seems, I am still hopeful. There is the possibility of a miracle.

Here we are, figuring this “stuff” out. “IT” is not easy. Just when you think you have the answer(s) you seek, an exception/a variation appears. Now it seems we have formulated this set of “deal breakers” but then along comes the one who is checking off all of the boxes, so many of the boxes and as time goes on…one or two of the boxes.

What began as legitimate requirements and at times very superficial whims begin to degenerate. Try as you might, resist valiantly, after several failed attempts you find yourself sitting across from an individual that you aren’t sure can walk upright, let alone carry on a coherent conversation. Strict and proper upbringing makes you try to be polite and not literally RUN FOR IT! This is not funny/fun anymore; it is becoming scary. Yet as bad as this type may seem, there is one much worse.

The one who is worse gives off the appearance and demonstrates the temperament of a serious contender. He is the squirrel…he gets through the phone calls, he is familiar with eating utensils, he even has the right look. However, upon closer examination the truth about him comes out. You start to see through that fluffy coat and full plume covering his tail. The cute little twitching nose starts taking on familiar characteristics of a rodent. His bight eyes become beady. Suddenly you realize he is that rat, that same rat that you find repulsive and determined is unwelcome in your life. You ask yourself how he got past all of the screens you set up. Then it hits you, he was wearing a disguise. However, like any disguise, it eventually has to come off. In this case when he dropped his guard, the costume fell to the ground and revealed although you had been keeping company with a squirrel for sure, he was still just a rat in a cuter outfit.

Dating Karma

Dating karma, dating ,or just karma…whatever. Those words, the excuses and explanations all rolled up into one. For because we are truly at a loss and it gives us an “out”.

Let’s begin this journey. Thrust into the single life, because you have life, you have to go on. The creatures that we are… humans; social and sometimes needy, we venture into the dating world. Young and resilient you tend to be up for the challenge…but what of the older seasoned type. What is in store for us? Scarier than any thrill ride I have taken, we stand in a perpetual line waiting. What are we waiting for? There are no pictures of people smiling, yelling with excitement…there is just the line. The line is long too.

Feeling confident, feeling smart the search begins. However, the rules have changed and in spite of having basic knowledge of this there is no real preparation. One must dive in feet first. So many avenues, so many possibilities…it still a “turkey shoot”. Try to be honest and open, but by no means too trusting.

Not all matches and attempted couplings are successes. I know, you did not see that coming (pure sarcasm). We have to examine the bad matches because there will be far more of these than there will be good ones. If there is an immediate bad vibe, that is easy you throw it into reverse and back away/walk away. Here is where being as honest as possible comes into play. Then there are times that you keep telling yourself, “Well, this is not too bad..” You continue, hoping the good will outweigh the bad. It does not. As reasonably intelligent, definitely(according to chronology) mature adults you discuss and part ways in a civil amicable fashion. YeahRight.

No one likes rejection and simply not being a match for one individual or another is NOT a simple rejection. As sophisticated as we like to believe we are, we are still very primitive and basic. If I like dark skin and you are light.., if you like brown eyes and mine are blue..don’t take it personal, move on. Truth is, you may never know the truth. You may not be willing to share the truth. That HAS to be okay, for your sanity’s sake.

Then there is the coward’s way out…”ghostin”. As I mentioned before we are very primitive and basic…this is NOT working or is NOT going to work so lets cut our losses and move on. Plus you don’t have to really hurt anyone’s feelings (yeah about that).

To address the matter at hand, the dating karma. I provide all this background for the payoff. Well all I can tell you is another basic concept, if you dish it out be able to take it.

Because He Knows Me

He knows the curve of my spine as I arch it when we embrace. He kisses me and I hear music in the distance. I could not be more comfortable in my very own skin.

At this juncture in life little is “new” and that which actually is new, in terms of relationships, holds little charm. Reconnecting with individuals from your past feels soothing. You are transported to another time and place with the benefit of having a window into what can be.

He was literally the first man I loved. I loved him hard too. He took me to the highest of highs, just by existing. The day we met , he smiled at me and my heart stopped. I fumbled pointlessly, in an effort to appear calm. That smile though… 44 years later, 3 marriages between us, 5 children with other people, and he still has that smile. How sweet that our hearts allow us to keep those memories. We are completely different human beings now. Yet he smells the same, he feels the same, he tastes the same. He, however still is not mine.

I steal him for a few hours, in the measures of time, mere drops in a bucket. We walk around one of my favorite places, an amusement park, we ride some rides. The sights and sounds of youth and energy encapsulate us. At different points we catch glances of one another, we recall who we once were. In certain light the gray hairs appear to only be highlights or an aura. The marks time has left on our faces and in our hearts do not shine through so clearly. You have to search for the hurts, we both have endured. Ironically, loss of the same caliber, is visible when we look into each others eyes.

Now I gaze at the Pacific from my hotel room balcony, I see the white caps that seem to be dancing endlessly I smell the freshness of the ocean air. I am home. My attention is turned inward to the room, where I see his brown skin in direct contrast to the white bedding. He still has strong arms and broad shoulders. Smiling, I remember our first kiss, the first time he and I were together… even the realization that what he did to me was far from making love. Finally, the hurt of being forced to walk away from him, because he had walked away from me.Today there is euphoria and no regrets. He stirs, his eyes open and he smiles.. that smile.

If I am honest, I do not want to endanger whatever it is he has. I can tell myself it is not right or he would NOT be with me. I am being typical, justifying my acts with excuses. It is fun, it nice, it is sweet being with him because he knows me. That gives me a sense of escape and transcends time. I will board a plane in a few days and his life will continue being what it was before I came into town. I will not expect a visit, phone call, or even a text ….any time soon, if at all. The very thing I had with him, that made me feel so many pleasant things for a few short moments, will not be necessary once we leave each other’s company.

As we both know very well, this is not complex. It could hurt some feelings, but if thought through there should be a realization that this is a simple exchange in the universe. Nothing but a primal instinctual desire, that has been fulfilled and now LIFE goes on. No residual damage, no new life. And because he knows me he knows all of that too.

Not As An Afterthought

“I was just thinking about you… ” The Big Lie; Maybe the thought was,” let me get you out of the way”. As days go by you don’t make contact and neither does the other party. The more time that passses the harder it is to return to the place the two of you last occupied. Whether it be old relationships and connections or new budding friendships searching for definition, ALL require investing time and effort. Anything less is not worthy.

The time; in our fast paced world the need for immediacy is understated but overly expected. We impatiently wait in lines for the wants and need of life and often become annoyed that others are ahead of us needing and/or wanting the same things we do. We are not quiet with our disdain either. The individual charged with helping to provide us with the desired object will meet with sighs, dirty looks and even verbalized disappointment.

Now translate those factor into this current discussion….your established relationship is moving on, changes have taken place. These are noticable and expected changes,but there is a thought process that believes/needs to believe that your relationship will have minimal if any affect. You have history together. You must remember your history placed circumstance and individual in different positions and roles. Your current situation calls for switching up.

In the newer fledgling relationship a comfort level MUST be established. From that comfort level trust will be borne. However, we have to bear in mind, we don’t know one another. We may not have had a chance to discuss our true wants and needs. The discussion of “deal breaker” has NOT come up. Yet, these uncharted waters still exist, just the same.

There we have it, so much anticipating, so much second guessing, so much left to our own devices. Effort enters the room.. how important are these relationships we are skating over? I believe each in their own right ARE equally inportant. The old established give you a sense of who you are, where you have been, some of the things that make you work. The new explores the possibilities, what you are curious about, what direction your are going in and who you are evolving into. Neither can be taken lightly.

If you find yourself feeling dismissed or being dismissive, STOP and take time to look at and evaluate what is going on. If you decide against doing this you have already decided what your answer is and the path your relationship(s) take.

Attentive

It translates as.. your time is valuable but mine isn’t, your feelings, wants, needs, desires count but mine don’t. How we begin is how we shall end. In search of relationships or to kill time? The fact is we humans are social creatures, and for the most part we prefer someone be in close proximatey to us.That happens by making contact. How important is that? What are we really willing to compromise, or give up in order to obtain that thing we so desire.

I find in the information age many (including myself) do not bother to utilize the tools at their fingertips. Oftentimes words are used out of context or simply incorrectly, in either case the simple solution would be to take the time to do the research before your use them. Social norms are ignored; simple etiquette and manners seem to be archaic. While the simple solution would be to put oneself in the position of an individual we are in contact with. We are all so arrogant and we have little time to spend on technicalities.

Thus you will find yourself reading information, notes, and sometimes personal letters innundated with error. We upset and offend at what seems to be a drop-of the-hat. How often do we really take time to proof read what we write, then spell check intervienes and we find after the fact( the item is sent) it does not say or look anything like what we intended. How often do we ignore, disregard and not concern ourselves with the perpetual “other side of the coin”. While your intention was NOT to be harmful or offensive, that is what happened. How would I/YOU feel if this was happening to ME/YOU? Sometimes those simple errors can be quite costly.

Paying attention to what you say and/or do may in fact take a little more time and effort but what you may save or preserve in the long run will likely be worth that effort. Caught off guard…. simply step back slowly and regroup before moving forward. Take the little things into consideration.