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Because He Knows Me

He knows the curve of my spine as I arch it when we embrace. He kisses me and I hear music in the distance. I could not be more comfortable in my very own skin.

At this juncture in life little is “new” and that which actually is new, in terms of relationships, holds little charm. Reconnecting with individuals from your past feels soothing. You are transported to another time and place with the benefit of having a window into what can be.

He was literally the first man I loved. I loved him hard too. He took me to the highest of highs, just by existing. The day we met , he smiled at me and my heart stopped. I fumbled pointlessly, in an effort to appear calm. That smile though… 44 years later, 3 marriages between us, 5 children with other people, and he still has that smile. How sweet that our hearts allow us to keep those memories. We are completely different human beings now. Yet he smells the same, he feels the same, he tastes the same. He, however still is not mine.

I steal him for a few hours, in the measures of time, mere drops in a bucket. We walk around one of my favorite places, an amusement park, we ride some rides. The sights and sounds of youth and energy encapsulate us. At different points we catch glances of one another, we recall who we once were. In certain light the gray hairs appear to only be highlights or an aura. The marks time has left on our faces and in our hearts do not shine through so clearly. You have to search for the hurts, we both have endured. Ironically, loss of the same caliber, is visible when we look into each others eyes.

Now I gaze at the Pacific from my hotel room balcony, I see the white caps that seem to be dancing endlessly I smell the freshness of the ocean air. I am home. My attention is turned inward to the room, where I see his brown skin in direct contrast to the white bedding. He still has strong arms and broad shoulders. Smiling, I remember our first kiss, the first time he and I were together… even the realization that what he did to me was far from making love. Finally, the hurt of being forced to walk away from him, because he had walked away from me.Today there is euphoria and no regrets. He stirs, his eyes open and he smiles.. that smile.

If I am honest, I do not want to endanger whatever it is he has. I can tell myself it is not right or he would NOT be with me. I am being typical, justifying my acts with excuses. It is fun, it nice, it is sweet being with him because he knows me. That gives me a sense of escape and transcends time. I will board a plane in a few days and his life will continue being what it was before I came into town. I will not expect a visit, phone call, or even a text ….any time soon, if at all. The very thing I had with him, that made me feel so many pleasant things for a few short moments, will not be necessary once we leave each other’s company.

As we both know very well, this is not complex. It could hurt some feelings, but if thought through there should be a realization that this is a simple exchange in the universe. Nothing but a primal instinctual desire, that has been fulfilled and now LIFE goes on. No residual damage, no new life. And because he knows me he knows all of that too.

Not As An Afterthought

“I was just thinking about you… ” The Big Lie; Maybe the thought was,” let me get you out of the way”. As days go by you don’t make contact and neither does the other party. The more time that passses the harder it is to return to the place the two of you last occupied. Whether it be old relationships and connections or new budding friendships searching for definition, ALL require investing time and effort. Anything less is not worthy.

The time; in our fast paced world the need for immediacy is understated but overly expected. We impatiently wait in lines for the wants and need of life and often become annoyed that others are ahead of us needing and/or wanting the same things we do. We are not quiet with our disdain either. The individual charged with helping to provide us with the desired object will meet with sighs, dirty looks and even verbalized disappointment.

Now translate those factor into this current discussion….your established relationship is moving on, changes have taken place. These are noticable and expected changes,but there is a thought process that believes/needs to believe that your relationship will have minimal if any affect. You have history together. You must remember your history placed circumstance and individual in different positions and roles. Your current situation calls for switching up.

In the newer fledgling relationship a comfort level MUST be established. From that comfort level trust will be borne. However, we have to bear in mind, we don’t know one another. We may not have had a chance to discuss our true wants and needs. The discussion of “deal breaker” has NOT come up. Yet, these uncharted waters still exist, just the same.

There we have it, so much anticipating, so much second guessing, so much left to our own devices. Effort enters the room.. how important are these relationships we are skating over? I believe each in their own right ARE equally inportant. The old established give you a sense of who you are, where you have been, some of the things that make you work. The new explores the possibilities, what you are curious about, what direction your are going in and who you are evolving into. Neither can be taken lightly.

If you find yourself feeling dismissed or being dismissive, STOP and take time to look at and evaluate what is going on. If you decide against doing this you have already decided what your answer is and the path your relationship(s) take.

Attentive

It translates as.. your time is valuable but mine isn’t, your feelings, wants, needs, desires count but mine don’t. How we begin is how we shall end. In search of relationships or to kill time? The fact is we humans are social creatures, and for the most part we prefer someone be in close proximatey to us.That happens by making contact. How important is that? What are we really willing to compromise, or give up in order to obtain that thing we so desire.

I find in the information age many (including myself) do not bother to utilize the tools at their fingertips. Oftentimes words are used out of context or simply incorrectly, in either case the simple solution would be to take the time to do the research before your use them. Social norms are ignored; simple etiquette and manners seem to be archaic. While the simple solution would be to put oneself in the position of an individual we are in contact with. We are all so arrogant and we have little time to spend on technicalities.

Thus you will find yourself reading information, notes, and sometimes personal letters innundated with error. We upset and offend at what seems to be a drop-of the-hat. How often do we really take time to proof read what we write, then spell check intervienes and we find after the fact( the item is sent) it does not say or look anything like what we intended. How often do we ignore, disregard and not concern ourselves with the perpetual “other side of the coin”. While your intention was NOT to be harmful or offensive, that is what happened. How would I/YOU feel if this was happening to ME/YOU? Sometimes those simple errors can be quite costly.

Paying attention to what you say and/or do may in fact take a little more time and effort but what you may save or preserve in the long run will likely be worth that effort. Caught off guard…. simply step back slowly and regroup before moving forward. Take the little things into consideration.

Do I Have To Tell You,”You’re Fired”

Late again. I watch the clock, I check my phone for messages..Nothing that gives the most remote indication you deserve a second chance. You are an adult, an adult who is conducting business. Why do I have to call you and verify you are going to come as scheduled. I have tried to give you an opportunity, I have given you a pass… a break on more occasions than one, BUT you are a liar and you ARE unreliable. You clearly do not care about the business you have, the job you do, or me the client/patron.

When you hire an individual to do a job you expect that party to know the job, be capable of doing it, and taking care in providing all that is entailed. From customr service to the performance of said job. You don’t want to be hard, you don’t want to be a cynic, you want to give folks a chance, even when your gut feeling is to go with someone else. After each disappointment you still find yourself justifying the poor technique or performance… after all the end result is satisfactory. Yet you have to admit with each so-called pass the next time seems to be worse rather than better. Your benevolence is truly being taken advantage of. We are,by choice, beyond the babysitting/ child rearing stage of life. We are looking for things to fall into place and be easier. Therefore individuals we HIRE to perform whatever job are expected to be reliable and self-sustaining. We are NOT looking for another responsibility. If I have to help you do the job, I may as well do it myself OR find another who is actually wiulling and capable of doing that job. So when you show up late and the door is locked, the office looks abandoned.. take note and reflect. When you ask yourself what is going on, look at YOURSELF and realize YOU hold the key, YOU are the answer. While it is too late for this opportunity, take heed and avoid the mistakes made here in order NOT to repeat them.