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Archive for the month “January, 2018”

Angel

I knew he was special from the moment I laid eyes on him, but then what parent does not say that.

A free spirit, he was happy and he made people around him smile. My only complaint, the only problem he ever presented was he was too sensitive and caring. I knew I was in for battles. I, who did not have the optimism and high expectations in regards to others. How could I have two children who believed overall people are good..just like my father their grandfather.

Life happens, you grow and you change. It was no different for him. I would one day look back and realize everyone has challenges, even chosen ones. Books and movies suggest these special humans live a charmed life, I submit to you they simply live life. I bit my lip and resisted the need to interfere, besides he already had a fighter standing guard over him a “pit-bull” father.

He settled in and the storms seemed to subside, he began to be who he was intended to be. The form changed, the canvas was illuminated. He conquered and completed, worries were put on the back burner. I now settled into a comfort zone.

Silence and calm shattered at 3:25.A.M. on Sunday January 14, 2018. Time both flew by and stood still simultaneously. When the doctors told us they could NOT save him I felt my heart stop, I could not breathe, I could not scream like I wanted to, I could not comprehend. All I could do is look around at his father and his lovely lady collapsing. I had to hold them up, but how  for I was lost in a flood of emotion I still cannot decipher. All I had was hurt and pain, I was drowning in it.

24 hours later I was numb and confused, damaged beyond repair life was continuing on. I did not know how, but it continued just the same. He showed me he was still nearby in a cautious yet undeniable way, he knew I would be a skeptic. Not one act but several.  First it was a subtle “tug on the coat-tail”, followed by stronger indicators, when he had my full attention I simply allowed myself to be encompassed in his essence. It was powerful, heart-wrenching and seemed to go on for an incredibly long time. I left the space feeling there would most certainly be more contact, I had to prepare for the next time. However, when I returned it was all gone. There was no sign of anything, it felt empty as a warehouse just not as cold.

Only something supernatural could carry you from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. My boy had been here, he lived, loved, experienced, and influenced. I witnessed it from the front row, but now I would argue he was anywhere. The electricity of his life was erased, but it did not feel bad. I realized he was existing at the next level. He wanted to let me know he was here with me, but we now had to exist apart. He knew the only way for me to let go and accept this would be for me NOT to have something to hold on to. I could not have the little or big contact. My child was making me stand on my own and that is when I realized I had been privy to an existence with angel. The time was real , it was engaging, it was powerful, it was beautiful and as all existence, finite.

I will love and miss him; my angel forever.

Hello/Good-Bye

Ah yes here we are again, the beginning of a new year. Yet it all feels the same. We start off filled with hope and aspirations, we look forward to a year not like the one that just passed. However, by the time December 31st rolls around again, if we are fortunate enough to be here, we will likely reflect upon what we want for the upcoming year and how glad we are to see the current one go.

Maybe we put too much stress on what is to come, in spite of the fact we have no idea what is ahead. Tallulah Bankhead once said,” If I had my life to live over again, I would make the same mistakes, only sooner”.  Interesting thought as we reflect on regrets and triumphs. What will you do with this year? As we take these strides forward at ever increasing speeds, in a hurry for this date to pass, this milestone to arrive, we should bear in mind we are pressing time to pass for us,  ultimately taking us to the place we will no longer be.

Slow down, admire, absorb; try your best to live each day as it is meant to be lived, one day at a time.

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