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Archive for the month “March, 2013”

“It Was Harmless…”

It didn’t mean anything. However the fact that you did it, does mean there was/is something underlying. You throw something out there, effortlessly, and if by chance something comes back at you..

Gratification takes many a form. Ego is generally a catalyst, for even an individual with low self-esteem longs for positive reinforcement. A nod of approval from your boss regarding your work, a complement from an attractive colleague on your attire, or a “double-take” from a stranger are all appreciated on one level or another. Where do you draw the line?A subtle approach, a simple flirtation can easily be the beginning of much more. Depending on your motives one should not take these things lightly.

I was told a story of the way a long-term, rather destructive relationship began. It was sweet and spontaneous, my friend told me it caught her off guard while they sat in his car at a stop light. Romantic-minded me sighed at the irony, that is until the story continued into the years of lies and abuse. Now of course all simple things do not evolve to that level. Perhaps, as my friend looks back, she can see that earlier than that stop light kiss this seemingly romantic guy gave her an indicator(s), or she gave him one that made it clear the progression would/could take place.

All I am suggesting is with complex human beings, it rarely is simple and harmless.  Every approval is not a gateway to a promotion or raise, every complement on your attire is not an invitation to be intimate, every second look does not warrant a phone number exchange, but some of these same incidents will and do go to the next level. Therefore, tread lightly you never know when things will go deep on you, and what was intended to be harmless becomes much more than you bargained for.


Kimba and Lambchop

March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Is this a meteorological reference to climate, or is the reference to another type of climate.The title references two animal characters from my childhood, some of you may remember them as well. They lived and represented two very different ways of life. One charged with being in charge, responsible and independent, the other sweet, cute, witty and co-dependent.

I have been blogging like crazy this month and now as the end of the month approaches, it feels like I am running low. I don’t feel particularly exhausted, but things have been challenging. To be honest, I have been battling the lion most of the month. I am amazed I had presence of thought to write anything. As the month ends, I anxiously welcome the departure of March. Hold on though, because this also earmarks the end of the first quarter of the year. The year I hoped would be exemplary.. has been far from that. The thought of it/things slowing down no way, coming up to speed in order to catch up on these three months of lackluster is more of what I have in mind. No room for the sedate lamb here, or is there? After almost an entire quarter of turmoil, a dose of peaceful would be welcome.

The picture of peace, the one where the lion and lamb are resting together in paradise, comes to my mind. This is a very beautiful yet sobering thought. With the holiest of days rapidly approaching, slowing down to enjoy the calmer side of life is very appealing and very necessary.

“Pipe Dreams”

The sound of crumbling up paper, the image of “Curly Bill” from Tombstone saying, ” I feel greaaat, greaaat”,  followed by him firing off several rounds into the night sky. What does this mean?  Well these are the end results of “pipe dreams”  and I want to touch the subject of them.

Do you know what a “Pipe Dream” is. I am sure at some point in time you have had one, or accused another individual of having one. I imagine most of us deal with the “Pipe Dream” in a metaphoric sense, but this is what prompted me to investigate it further.

Having heard reference made to them since childhood I only equated them with actual dreams; later in life I came to know them as outlandish, far-fetched, or even impossible/improbably fantasies. I did like the sound of the term and since I love words this combination made an indelible mark.

In slight anger and frustration one evening, I decided to look up the origin of this “Pipe Dream”.  I was amused and fulfilled to find the two references that begin this piece were very logically associated with the term, and therefore they were appropriate to use. Short version they are drug induced( particularly associated with opium) fantasies, images, dreams. “Curly Bill’s” display in Tombstone came after he emerged from an Opium Den in the film. The crumpling paper was the sound of lottery tickets being discarded, while not drug induced a strong yearning to make something happen where the likely-hood is ( in my opinion) remote.

Now entertain the possibilities of being lost in either of those two listed scenarios, then imagine being lost in a “Pipe Dream” of your own.

Mama’s Little Man

Years after a film called “BabyBoy” was released the thought crossed my mind about the men in many of our lives. The movie explored the phenomenon from the product/consumer aspect. I want to cover the manufacturer for a bit.

With the disclaimer always close to the beginning of pieces like this, I have to say all of us should not reproduce. That is not being mean or insensitive, but getting older one has to view things in retrospect and see the disservice we do to our children, when we do not take our roles seriously or consciously. We hurt and damage them innocently, but we do these things to them just the same.

My sons KNOW that they are the loves of my life. I am proud and in awe of them and their respective accomplishments. They also know, from me, that during my reproductive years I yearned for a daughter. We have discussed this openly and I believe that they have not been harmed with that knowledge, because of the way I  conveyed this information.  Yet there are things that we do not share with our children; yes somethings should not be put out there, but when you hide important facts from those who are ultimately affected, the inevitable fallout is much worse.

God blessed me with two handsome boys; I rearranged my mind and actually had a business plan to help my need to have someone to dress up fulfilled. They donned Christian Dior and Guess layette. Nike crib shoes adored their tiny feet and Calvin Klein covered their diapers. Numerous results could be connected with MY OBSESSIONS, fortunately my children survived me.

My wise friends and I have covered our children on various levels at times we have noted we have raised the type of men we had hoped to marry “Once-Upon-A-Time”Please do not look at this from a sick reverse Oedipus stand-point). At other times we see that some things we observe them doing, are things we would NOT tolerate ourselves from a man. Each of these scenarios are a testament to the  viewed successes or failures as their mothers.

The connection, well we as their mothers are charged with raising sons of whom we will turn over to other women who will hopefully reap the benefits of our positive, sensitive, and knowledgeable rearing. The irony is that we will do this based in part (and oftentimes a good part of) from our own bad experiences. Follow that up with the unattainable goal of being the kind of man our “daddy/father/dad was. We may as well hand these little ones a guide to nuclear medicine at four.

Sadly this is a “turkey shoot” and we really do not think about this fact, as we take these man-children on the adventure of growing up. I must note I am not ignoring the facts that we may or may not have a spouse, mate, man in our lives during these times, for this must be factored in as well. However, my area of concentration is on us, the women.

I  made my boys into young male fashion dolls. I was on one hand given the illusion boys would be simpler to dress and maintain. I embraced this, but simultaneously under-minded it with my need to make them appearance conscious. The long-term affects have been one never has a hair out of place and his wife notes this in passing as she jokes of him constantly in the mirror. The other would just as soon walk out the door without combing his hair, could exist in a world without mirrors, and is uncomfortable with being told he is handsome even by his girlfriend.

Think of the mothers who raised their sons angry at men, who may or may not be these same sons’ fathers.  What about the mothers that were alone and told young boys of six or seven, “You have to be/are the man of the house”. What lessons or learned behavior do you suppose they will carry with them into adulthood?

Some of the intent illustrated here was be neat and well groomed, don’t treat women badly and be responsible. The question is how did it translate to a child, and how was it interpreted when that child became an adult? One day Mama’s Little Man will in fact be a man, therefore we mothers have an obligation that reaches beyond self.

How Many “Do-Overs” Do You Want To Do-Over?

Kicking yourself you allow the thought to enter your mind, “If I had just…” If you had just.. what?” It makes you feel better, it gives you a bit of validation or much needed hope, but without the ability to truly correct or change things what are you actually getting.

I have done this many times before myself; now I am facing an opportunity to actually make a change, so what will I do. Less than a week ago I danced around a very similar subject matter and here I am again. Conceding change is wanted/needed, but well aware that your feet are stuck in quicksand as far as taking action. Now one must resign themselves to the thought that what needs to change is in fact you. Factor in that although we are at a point where we are still vibrant and capable of taking on major life altering changes, we do not know how many more opportunities will present themselves.

The Well has run dry, there is no more to give. Therefore, you had better move on or die of thirst for certain. When you own up to being the master of your own destiny you have to be prepared to take charge. Don’t allow the fearful child-like voice to invade the space that needs to be occupied with forward progress. Where do you really want to be, and are you ready and willing to take a chance?

Taking A Tiger By The Tale

I  only have a few people that I feel like I could be like a giddy teenager in regards to. I have written about a couple of them. Face it all of us have a deep seeded “amoration” for someone, we are only human.

I was not born with the following gifts but I do admire and appreciate them all just the same; the great athlete, how I do enjoy watching them defy gravity and opponents, the conversations and thoughts of  a great mind are absolutely spell-binding, and the haunting beauty of musical genius is unparalleled.

When play was suspended due to weather at the 2013 Arnold Palmer Invitational I was disappointed. I don’t mind telling you I am anxiously awaiting Tiger Woods to return to his pursuit and attainment of the undisputed, unquestionable, and official title greatest golfer of all time. This win will bring him that much closer and I silently cheer him on.

He has work ethic and style. He possesses command and poise in his sport. He makes you proud and in awe of his skill when you watch him. It might surprise you that I would say I don’t particularly care for Tiger Woods, at least the Tiger Woods I know of.

There had to be some research done before I could write this and I am not a fan of statistics. I will say this, my eyes grew tired and my mind weary as I went through line after line, number after number of comparisons. I knew I didn’t want to look at that much information, but I was drawn in like a car to train tracks. This is a blog not a math class, so I encourage you to “google” Mr. Woods for details of his accomplishments. I am here to play homage to the persona of the athlete.

I was introduced to the world of golf when I was 26. Now of course I knew what the game of golf was, but I had no interest in it. I had no idea about the purpose or rules of the game. I certainly did not know anything significant about the names associated with golf.  Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus may have been familiar, but their records and accomplishments would have escaped me. At that point in time it was not really important to me.

How would I know that a venture which began only because of a test in togetherness, would turn into an actual interest of mine, or an 11 year old who lived a few miles south would change the game of golf and make history in a few short years. By the time Tiger reached the age I was when I first was interested enough to pick up a golf club he would already be on track to becoming a force to deal with in a sport that had been dominated by a rather diversity challenged field, where admittance to certain arenas of the sport prohibited his very presence.

He made his presence know, this Tiger not only roared, he had quite a bite. The calm demeanor, the intimidating stare, the perfect approach all belonged to him. Racking up wins, admirers and enemies at the speed of light. “Oh, but the mighty they do fall” and in spite of my saying, “I do not like him”, I do not want to mar this piece elaborating on what the media reveled in when it happened. This again is for my readers to research.

On a positive note, Tiger is back. Arguably he never left. Clearly he is disciplined in his sport, ever-seeking to improve HIS game. He shocks and amazed his critics, opponents, fans, and team-mates alike. Happily,  I am there cheering him on too. One cannot ignore greatness; many try and many fail for history will not allow it to be overlooked and history will always tell the truth.  There IS more to come. Geaux Tiger!

Life-cycling Seasons


Beginning in the 1980’s I tried my hand at “journaling”. If I look a bit farther back I recall my diary. Awakened by an array of things, I decided to write until sleep or responsibilities of the day forced me to move forward. As luck would have it 45 minutes before the responsibilities were to take over the sleep crept up. However, not before I was able to read back over a couple of my writings. Then it happened and I realized that I live, respond, react to my environment practically the same way every year. How is that possible when life is ever changing? Did this mean I was in a rut, a rut that allowed me to stay there for a good 42 of my 53 years? No way! Happily I will reveal what I did discover and perhaps it will prompt my readers to take into account their own “life-cycling seasons”.

I wrote a letter as archaic as that may sound; writers have use for these tools and methods, because they still feel as though they are in touch with their art this way. This letter was to someone near and dear to me. It was for information and it was confrontational. People who know me personally will NOT be surprised by the tone of the letter I speak of. Yet the letter was never delivered to the intended party. It rests in the archives of my personal e-mail, waiting to be printed  and mailed or simply sent via e-mail.

An entire year passed and one day close to the anniversary of the original letter, unaware of this fact, I sat down and authored a letter to this same special person. I spilled my heart out and spewed a few venomous attacks, after which I decided to save the piece until I had time to print it and prepare it for delivery. When I went to my draft file I found the other letter to this same person dated a year earlier, give or take a few days. It struck me as odd and curiosity got the best of me, with no time to spare as I prepared for work I started to read. I shook my head in amazement, this letter left undelivered contained some of very the same verbiage, with the very same feeling.

I tried to dismiss it as coincidence or not important, but neither was true. I had to take it out and look at it for what it was worth. Facing reality is not always easy, but the truth  was we were in the exact same place because nothing had been really addressed let alone resolved, and not unlike other things around us relationships will stagnate as well. If you continue going through the motions avoiding confrontation, the problem doesn’t go away. It may be covered or overshadowed by something else, but the moment you get to it again you will find it sitting there intact waiting to be dealt with.


Over the course of the next couple of weeks I mulled over “My World”.  Here  is what I found in no particular order; every autumn I feel renewed, during my birthday month I am hopeful but generally disappointed, springtime I fall in love either in actuality or with the memory of it happening, summer months are too hot, winter months are too cold, so when difficulties happen during those particular times of year they seem so much bigger or worse, and Christmastime I return to my childhood complete with wonder and joy.

At 53 I had an outline/blueprint now all I needed was a formula/plan. I bet you have said at one time or another,”If I could only go back..” I submit a realization that on one level or another because of this cycle we live in, we do have an opportunity to go back. For all the fantastic stories, books, and films that give their interpretation of what would happen; I see us continuing to do things the same ways because we are unaware we are redoing and reliving our lives annually. We are not in a rut in the classic sense; we are not insane by the simple definition of doing the same thing the same way expecting a different result. We are victims of circumstance.

Deja vu occurs( I personally think it is more than a feeling); we don’t know how to do things differently, because we have become caught up and we feel safe with what we know.Therefore, if you see yourself in this cyclic pattern, what if that(deja vu) is the reset button? What if when that feeling happens you did not just inhale and wait for it to pass, but you did something/ anything that was completely outside your norm. I am not suggesting you do any thing in particular; I am suggesting you don’t do as I have done by continuing to live in the cycle and not be adventurous enough to jump off every now and then.


Billiga Resor

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It’s Just Too Easy

I learned or should I see became reacquainted with something I have known for quite some time. This thing was in regards to business and friendship. How quickly and easily that line can be crossed.

My lesson and subject matter falls into the realm of “not mixing business with pleasure”. Now that is a wide open field, so let me narrow it down for you. This is about cheating versus doing things the right way. Let’s concede a couple of things here as we get started, most everyone of us has fallen into each of these categories at one time or another. However, most of us is more comfortable in one area than the other and we individually know what area that is.

Several years ago I was licensed as a real estate agent and thereby introduced to the concept of a fiduciary relationship. This fiduciary relationship was of the utmost importance in this field because misconduct while serving in this capacity was governed by law. Therefore, if you didn’t do the right thing you could end up facing legal consequences. I will NOT tell you that folks do not cross that line, I am simply saying there is a bit more at stake than ones good name.

How about that, one’s good name, or reputation? Fiduciary came to mind because I believe we conduct ourselves in a fashion that fiduciary is implied; whether or not it is stated or proven to be the case, and we are oftentimes very disappointed when we find out otherwise. In our society where we are hungering after dirt and garbage(i.e. media seeking entertainment rather than news) why would something like a reputation be of any concern? Big businesses, small businesses, and even individuals can all be equally unscrupulous; magnitude being the only difference.

We want to feel safe. We want to know there is a place(or person) we can go to and get, without worrying that certain improprieties will NOT occur. Here’s the rude awakening we are avoiding, there is NO WAY TO TELL.  Deceit is everywhere and our naivety makes us easy targets. That disappoints, that hurts, that is reality. The truth is there are very few areas that cannot be likened to shark infested waters, an area that used to be dominated by ironically the legal field.

This is not being harsh, but again simply being real.  EXAMPLE: If you work for an accountant you stand as good a chance with a stranger handling your tax needs, as you do going to your employer. A family member in law enforcement is as likely to give you a ticket as the officer patrolling local streets. I don’t even need to broach the subject of attorney’s we ALL have stories an example. The problem now is the legal  profession is not alone. “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” comes to mind; but what do you do when they are looking and behaving the same? Understand this is the way “they” get in, the window of opportunity is open and we not only opened it we invited “them” in.

Therefore, you must safeguard yourself and take nothing for granted. Every business transaction should be treated accordingly; do not mistake a smiling face and/or cordial greeting as an indicator of the end result of that same business transaction. One who exercises good manners and decorum should not be used as a barometer as to what one can expect from that same businessperson.

I will end with a touch of levity here; as letter carriers my case-partners and I used to characterize our treatment at times by our employer and/or supervisors with “if you’re gonna screw me then at least give me a kiss”. Nowadays think of your business transactions from the standpoint of, if you are getting a kiss you are probably being screwed.

Sleeping With Anger and Arrogance

What a combination. Add a side of frustration and the recipe is complete. Yes it is complete, but who wants any part of it? Certainly no one who is in their right mind. Sitting around marinating in ones own emotional firestorm is not healthy, especially if it is a negative firestorm.

The intent here was to present two sides from two individual positions, but that did not happen. Sometimes writing takes on a life of its own and the words write themselves. In general, the writing here on my blog is outside observations which have my personal stamp on them because I am the writer. Other times I have to stop because it seems my personal stamp is covering the entire writing. I hope I can successfully turn this generic so publishing it will not seem like a mistake. At the very least my hope is it hits a chord that  gives a sense of “common ground”.

Have you ever watched someone sleep, or awakened to realize the one you were sleeping with was watching you? It is a disarming feeling isn’t it. You want to feel good about it because certainly you would not put yourself in such a vulnerable state with someone who meant you harm. However, the contrary may be the truth.

Think about saying your prayers at night. They are as much ritual as they are anything; but then if your implement a bit of hindsight you REALIZE that not only should you thank the Lord for waking you to see another day, but for protecting you through the night, through your sleep, through your most vulnerable time.

What made the anger appear? Why wouldn’t the arrogance succumb, so that the apology could soften the blows? However, with this arrogance there is no room to be humble. This fuels the anger that resides nearby. They are in the “throws” of a vicious cycle. My friend tells me, “I don’t want to hear any regrets”.  I arrogantly say,” oh there will be none”. What does she know, what does she foresee? Wait, I’m supposed to be angry…and I am just that.

Then to add insult to injury you wake up with one more frown line in your face, or one more headache. Perhaps you don’t wake up, because you were unable to sleep at all and this is cause for wonder…Really.  This is no way to live. Problems are resolved by getting them out there, and talking about them. They will not simply go way if you ignore them, certainly not at this level. Therefore, talk it out and don’t go to sleep with these two elements hanging over you head. It does not make for a restful night.

Dancin With The Devil

Waking from a pretty fantastic sleep this thought/portion of a quote occurred to me. I was not happy for I am not wanting to be awakened, and certainly not with such a dubious thought.  Well needless to say I could not go back to sleep and I said,” Well this will be an interesting subject matter to address”.

Several variations came to my mind, the quote of Max California in 8mm, the Nietzche quote regarding “the abyss” morphed into “What if you danced with the devil and the devil looked like you”. Honestly, I have no idea what that  last quote means or where it came from; only my interpretation was something to do with self righteousness and becoming that which you despise. Then I began to ponder things, and I cannot say I was completely thrilled with the results when it came to me.

Have you ever set a “trap” or made plans for someone else and found yourself right in the throws of things yourself? I know my answer. At these time the realization that we human beings are but victims of the cliche’s we try so hard to avoid saying aloud, comes crashing through. Upon further investigation or observation we  come face-to-face with the fact that, we live those very same cliche’s. Denial is simply our way of dealing with this truth.

For decades I put myself in a toxic environment. I did this knowingly and without reservation. In arrogance or stupidity I convinced myself it would NOT rub off on me. One day a midst a dastardly deed, it crossed my mind that I was as foul as the individuals around me. I quickly dismissed the thought and this helped me convince myself I was nothing like “them”.

In the beginning that may have been true, but year after year of exposure to such an environmental wasteland you learn to adjust and adapt, rather than trying to improve or escape the surroundings. Before the ultimate fall I caught a glimpse of my assassin and she had a strangely familiar face.

When the voice of reason tells you to stop and look at what you are doing or what you are becoming,  STOP and take note. There may still be hope and time for you to make the change. If you don’t, well there is nothing like waking to the image of your “evil twin” hovering over you with something designed to destroy you, and knowing that same “evil twin” will derive nothing but pleasure out of doing just that. Now who shall you blame?

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