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Archive for the category “Quickbits”

11 Apr 2026

Sometimes It Just Doesn’t Seem Real

2:13 in the morning, I am actually preparing to go to sleep. I made the mistake of napping earlier in the evening. I am restless, but very aware I need to get that REM sleep. The tele has gone into the inactive state. Now images from my picture library are appearing. I pay them little attention, but then an image of Jay (my late son), Carlton, and Wes (my late husband) appear. It is Jay’s 1st birthday. His face and hands look as though they were dipped in the chocolate frosting. They are all smiling, clearly posing, but they is a sense of joy on their faces. I stop in the midst of my sleep preparation and allow myself to immerse myself in that moment in time. A time when my family was intact, a time where I could not fathom 38 years in the future. The place I currently occupy. For a brief millisecond that feeling is real.

I hear Wes’ voice; I see the kids’ irrepressible smiles. I feel “at home”. Then, my consciousness awakens. I am alone in my bedroom. My “Tiana’ sleeps at my feet (for now). Without thinking but surely knowing, my eldest is in another state with his family, my youngest son and my husband are no longer here on Earth with me. The overwhelming sadness engulfs me. I do not breakdown on the outside, but on the inside what I feel simply returns to the place it has occupied for the past 8 years, ever-present and unwavering.

For a short period in time, we can sometimes let our mind do what is needed, so that we can continue to function. We never forget; we simply learn to manage or let the forces within us take on and take over, that which we are not equipped to. The truth is sometimes it just doesn’t seem real.

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19 Apr 2025
1 Comment

Can Our Friendship Survive The Politics

This is a wonderful person. Funny, kind, logical, resourceful to name a few attributes. We mesh, my friend and me. However, there is something that can come between us and take all of this away. We both know it is true. We tactfully avoid this thing. We do not dance around it; we act as though it does NOT exist. This way we can go along and enjoy the great thing we have found in our friendship. However, it is there, and it will not go away.

Politics and political climate, if I am honest has always been a powder keg. There are times when it is more visible, more volatile, but it is always there waiting on a catalyst. If it goes to my liking, my friend may be quite unhappy and vice versa. Will I celebrate, will I rub it in her face, or will I revel in silent excitement and joy. What will she do faced with the same.

I have to admit there is some real ugliness that fuels my feelings regarding this subject and this particular politician. When I think of and say the things I do, or write what I write, or comment on different entries…then I think of my friend and have to accept I feel like she is a part of those feelings. She is those negative thoughts and comments, because otherwise she would not be on that side. I have to be fair; her political views have to make her say/think the some of the very same things.

How good of a friend can one be if they do not confide or feel free to discuss any and all things? Avoidance is not a building block for a healthy relationship. Sometimes we feel it is necessary to spare feelings, we take the lead, make ourselves into this self-sacrificing being and tell ourselves, ” It will be better in the long run to spare their feelings”. That is not all there is though. We don’t want to lose any good we have and a good person, a good friendship is difficult to let go of.

As I prepare to meet my friend for another lunch, shopping date, or movie night, I have to check my pulse. I cannot go without taking my political temperature. I do all of this and have to remain cognizant that all the checks and balances may not, will not, cannot prepare for all the possibilities for conflict. I just may not see it coming. Then the answer to the question will begin to be revealed.

Posted in One For My Friends, Quickbits and tagged ,
15 May 2024

No One Is Listening

More and more there are the calls which are riddled with pregnant pauses. We have to silently ask why, we used to have so much to say. Yet now the quiet is deafening, and the conversations are forced. You wonder why you even bother to call, soon do you actually stop calling. What happened? How did we get here?

Relationships are in a constant state of evolving. People change without a moment’s notice, but the individuals caught up in the relationship barely notice these changes that are taking place. We become numb and accustomed to behaviors, sights, and sounds. One day we look up and a metamorphosis has occurred, and we are astounded…how did it happen so quickly and unnoticed. You must take into account who these people are that you are in a relationship with.

“They” are the self-proclaimed (whether it is vocalized or not) center of the universe. Nothing going on of interest unless it is directly affecting them. Months will go by before “they” even realize you are NOT talking about what is happening with you. They will happily accept your claim of “nothing”, it is the open door to again ingratiate and embellish themselves.

Eventually you either confront the other party(ies) or you allow what is already taking place to take its natural course. Ironically, it is a smooth transition and will likely go unnoticed. They are so “self-absorbed” that you would be made to feel unreasonable in suggesting their actions were not palatable. Things have been this way for so long you have to work to remind yourself of what is correct. A sort of “Stockholm Syndrome” is a good description of what has happened to you. You must free yourself and in the process, you have to know that you will likely separate from one you believe you have come to know and love.

In our lives, where the pace is fast. The emotions are fleeting. The sounds are faint. Yet you still have to realize that no one is listening. If the sounds or signs were deafening, no one is paying attention. Therefore, all of the happenings go unnoticed. No one is listening.

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15 May 2024

D-I-V-I-N-E

Lying in your arms is simply divine. I know it won’t last forever because I could not survive FOREVER, but for now it is simply DIVINE. The very thought of it, of you…thinking of getting up and parting from you, simply moving or breathing could mean this feeling would change and the fact is I could not bear it, I just don’t want to. I just want to lay here with you and take you all in. I want time to stand still, I don’t want this to end.

Of course, it did end. We both returned to our respective lives. I had to come to terms with, ” I have no idea WHO this man is…” I cannot begin to explain how very sobering, as well as frightening that is. It certainly should be. We all watch the news, have viewed the reality type police stories, read papers and magazines alike. Yet, I allowed myself to be in the presence of a perfect stranger…and he was/is quite perfect I MUST add. The good news is he is far away. The good news is whatever, his daily existence is I have NOT endeavored to find out the details. I think I have an idea of what IS in fact going on, but I exist with the thought, ” It has nothing to do with me.”

I still can manage a smile (manage, I am hard pressed to restrain myself) when I think of him and the times we spent together. No this is no romance novel quality relationship; it is also not a sleezy article in an adult magazine. It IS a short story of a” Thing ” that happened, a ” Thing” that felt really good and as though it had real possibilities. I ask myself, what does it feel like to have everything seemingly going your way? What does it feel like to hold all of the aces, to KNOW things are gonna turn out just like you think you want them to? What does that feel like….I actually do know. It feels DIVINE.

Posted in Dating 6.0, How We Relate, Quickbits and tagged , | Leave a comment
15 May 2024

Heart Of Mine

It was just like the first time I laid eyes on him. Your heart does remember. We smiled, we embraced, we laughed and reminisced. Before we knew it five hours had gone by. I thought before we met up I might want something “more” to transpire, by the time we prepared to leave the restaurant I KNEW I wanted something more to happen. Pride, ego and insecurity deprived me of true effort at intimacy or even a kiss to remember.

I AM an ” all-or-nothing” kinda girl… even when I decide I can take less, I will still only take a smidge/an iota less. I am still a hopeless romantic. I know he knows I am a good woman, a good person, a lady. I had to come to grips with the fact that the qualities I had bothered to hone were simply some things he did not want or need. I could try to simplify it by saying he did not want me, but there was far more to it than that.

Decades of being connected and still just out of reach. One might ask, well why do you still reach? As we look at the facts, there is something missing in many of our lives. We exist for love and fulfillment. Once we decide it is here or there, we cannot help but figure out a way to obtain it. Yet there is a stopping point, there is a place where our psyche, ego, pride, common sense say, ” Hmmmm maybe you are reading a little bit more into this than actually is there.”

Happily (or not) I can now say I am in a place where what my dear, lovely friend does is truly irrelevant. I have stumbled into or found myself in a place that allows me to be okay with facts, and comfortable with the acceptance of situations. The two of us will forever be connected on a special friend level. He still says the sweetest things to me, and I take those same sweet words for what they are worth. They are up for interpretation, but they are NOT life altering.

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13 Mar 2022
1 Comment

Lost In The Magic Of The Moment

Glancing out of the corner of my eye I saw the commercial for Lucky Charms cereal and the special edition for St. Patrick’s Day which would turn your milk green Smiling I recalled some of the things that got me excited as a child. The simple things that seemed so very important at that time. I fast forwarded to when my boys were little, and how we as parents were able to provide them with the excitement and joy which took them over the moon from the aisles of the local chain toy store. Furthermore, that same feeling being recreated for my grandchildren. And while the local chain toy store has gone by the wayside, the memories are fresh. Realizing, of course, many of these sources of joy were merely gimmicks devised by the marketing geniuses of their particular time did NOT take away that drawing power, at least not for the smallest consumers.

No one paid attention to the chemicals that we ingested to make our food turn a particular color, except some up-and-coming account manager that happened to notice this byproduct as his own kids ate this same cereal. No one cared that the poorly made plastic toys which sold for pennies were health hazards. All that was known or cared about, at the time was it was entertaining and it made us feel good. Now in our complicated lives where many are beginning to enjoy times that do not include work as we traditionally knew, we are also searching for something/anything that will occupy our time, slightly challenge our minds, and bring us some of the joy life has to offer. Our momentary magic…slightly outside our grasps yet clearly in sight..

Posted in Quickbits
27 Feb 2022
1 Comment

Wise and/or Comforting

In the blink of an eye, it happens. The shock and disbelief overwhelm you. No matter how many times before or how many after that this happens, you are NEVER really ready.

You hear the anguish in the one YOU are close to as it is felt. It resonates within your very being and you know how very helpless you are. You can only listen and offer your availability, somehow that seems so trite and insignificant. You want to do something, but you also have to be aware that you could inadvertently say something stupid in your effort to help. You recognize there is no real help that we mortals can actually provide. So you sit silently; if they are in your physical presence take their hand and hold it, hold them if they will allow you to. If you are not with them in person, bond with them in any spiritual fashion that is available. Pray. There are no answers or replies that will help at this point. Just be there. We MUST be there for one another. No man knows the hour… One day someone will have to be there for you, it is likely someone already has been there. Take note of our being so interconnected. Help the one in need to simply…breathe

Posted in One For My Friends, Quickbits
31 Jul 2020
1 Comment

Tryin To Forget You Were Just A Waste Of Time

Is that true? Is it that simple? I do not agree. You can analyze and document your time as though relationships are on-the-clock. Yet in the end it is simply humans trying to explain away one more thing we do not understand.

Indigenous people, the ancient Romans and Greeks utilized stories of these amazing super powerful all knowing beings to justify claps of thunder or lack of water. Sometimes life became so enthralling that these superior individuals graced mere mortals with their passion and love. In the end the differences were too vast, the goals were too unattainable, the payoff was just out of reach. The mortal was left in a shambles, the gods returned to their intended place only slightly scathed, and the world though disrupted managed to continue.

When is time wasted? If the outcome is not what you wanted does NOT constitute a waste, rather it is just an outcome you would have preferred to be different. Consider this, suppose you did have it YOUR way but in the end it still was not what you wanted or expected..still think a waste of time? No… take a second look. Things pan-out appropriately for the time. To your liking or disliking, but it is not a waste of time. Don’t try to forget it, that would be a disservice.

Posted in Quickbits
12 Oct 2019

I Just Forgot To Swallow

Okay how much more insane can I be before I need 24 hour care? I sat there in front of the computer, and tried to do what was the right thing and take in my designated amount of water. Suddenly it was all over me, the desk, but fortunately not the computer.

I looked around for the culprit who had showered me with water from MY water bottle, which was securely in MY hand. There was no one. Still I was in disbelief. I was drenched and pretty-much gasping for breath. Suddenly it was clear what had just happened. I remembered unscrewing the top, I recalled putting the bottle to my mouth..then everything went wrong. The water was in my mouth pouring down my throat but something was not operating as it should be. It plunged down my throat in managed to go everywhere it should not go and completely avoid my esophagus.

If you have ever strangled you can imagine the panic I was stricken with for seconds that seemed to go on forever. Finally, I contained myself, and began to breathe normally. I wanted to ACTUALLY take a sip of water, but was reluctant. I wondered for a split second if I knew what to do with it now. I did what my granddaughter would say, faced my fear. I managed to do it right this time. I laughingly think about how that event happened and realized we can never take anything for granted.

Posted in Quickbits | Leave a comment
20 Sep 2019
1 Comment

Remembering How To Feel

Loss is such an all encompassing experience. Your mind, body and soul are affected and they are affected completely. Having to deal with multiple loss in a relatively short period of time, one can grow numb. Your entire being can shut down and simply wander aimlessly through this process called LIFE.

One finds out the vicious truth- LIFE GOES ON; and if allowed your very being WILL, through assorted coping mechanisms, continue as well. To outsiders you will seem to be amazing and strong, when what you are in reality is someone who has simply succumbed to that which is out of your control. Left with no choices you chose the inevitable.

As time goes by, just like breathing or your heart beating, you find yourself once again navigating. However, you are forever changed. You may look slightly different; new lines on your face may identify places of some internal hurt, or the light in your eyes may appear dull and muted. While one may not be physically cowering in some lonely dark corner, mentally that very same corner may be a safe place.

In your effort to survive the pain you must somehow allow yourself back to a place that may remind you there is hurt ahead. It is a scary journey..coming back to the familiar and still occupying the sense of being lost. Your comfort now has a companion it keeps by it’s side always visible, always present. As you slowly remove the  protective coating you have to remember how and what it is like to feel again.

Posted in Quickbits, VILOMAH

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