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Archive for the category “Quickbits”

It’s Not Contagious

As I try to understand all that I feel and all I think regarding this existence that is now mine, crazy thoughts cross my mind. I guess, I am allowed a bit of crazy. No worries there, I have plenty.

The Grief; I wish someone could answer my questions or show me the direction I should be traveling in. I have heard the endless statement saying, ” There is no correct way..” I wonder if this is actually true or is it that the grief, in and of itself, is simply NOT correct. I KNOW I believe my source of grief just seems so very wrong, so very incorrect. I need a “do-over” I tell myself, for this was clearly an error.

We, the afflicted..we need to be sad, many times we want to be sad. As strange as that sounds it is a mechanism by which we will, perhaps be able to use to come through this thing.  YES our route is plotted, although in many respects it is NOT defined by nothing more than we must head straight through the pain.

We do hope that we do not run you away. We mask our pain and sadness, we avoid contact when we know it is all encompassing. However, as terrible as this is for us, you need to know it is not something we can pass on to you, there is no contagion involved. It may be superstition imposing itself upon you, it could be karma. or the teachings of your faith. Know this for certain, we would not do something to trigger what we are going through to you, even if was possible. Unlike the yawns of others or a wonderful laugh session..this belongs to us, the members of the club no one wants to be a part of, exclusively. We need you, we need you to witness us so that we can come back from this terrible journey and be there for another who will need to have the benefit of  someone who has been where they must go. Through the pain, toss out a lifeline, please.




I look around and see so many things that NEED to be done. I walk past items that need to be addressed. My phone has the alerts blowing up. I sit or stand in a stationary position unable to move, unable to think, unable to function. I wait for the items to take care of themselves, knowing full well that is NOT going to happen.

The laundry is getting done but the folding and hanging is not happening. The dishes are in the sink, but they still need to be washed or put in the dishwasher. The house is vacuumed, the pets are fed, these things need attention daily without a thought. Now, they require a plan which includes reminders. I realize this is perhaps how the hoarders and people we deem as strange may have begun. Just a simple state of being confused, or hurt, or stuck. Maybe it was tragedy that invaded their existence, maybe it was illness, maybe they just became overwhelmed and had no one or nothing to motivate them, to bring them back.

Searching for the place where concentration used to be, the place where things used to be accomplished, I now question whether I was ever able to make anything happen. I have this question because seemingly, getting things done is virtually impossible.

Riding along side concentration, or lack there of, is joy. They both appear to be getting lost, and a collision course with despair is clearly ahead. No one wants to be in these places; and for certain you don’t want to have people YOU care about in these places with or because of YOU.  Know your friends and/or loved ones are  enthralled in a battle, a battle of which they have never encountered before, and of which the outcome is still quite unclear.

What Are We Smiling About

It had been exactly 2 weeks since my beloved youngest son left us, when I started this piece and could NOT finish it. As I looked over photos taken at his memorial, I see smiles. I remember when my dad/ his grandfather was alive and how we used to laugh at dad taking so many pictures at funerals. As kids we though, “Dad is just weird.” Life happens and time passes, you realize that these funerals, last rights, memorial services are truly times to celebrate. They are gatherings that may not have happened had the loss NOT occurred. You make promises that this will not be the last time you are in contact with this relative or that long absent friend; no matter how well intended, you may not see one another until yet another passing happens.

What are we smiling about, my mind scans the faces. Some of us just reacted to the camera. Some of us reacted to a feeling. Others felt the love and comfort of being with people who would hold us up when we thought we would fall.

What are we smiling about. I can tell you from the moment he came into my life Jay gave me joy.  I smiled because Jay truly would have been upset to see me sad or crying. All he wanted was for people he loved and cared about to be happy. If he could facilitate that he did, if he could not he encouraged them to look around and within to find that happiness. Jay found happiness, and that was all he needed.



Ah yes here we are again, the beginning of a new year. Yet it all feels the same. We start off filled with hope and aspirations, we look forward to a year not like the one that just passed. However, by the time December 31st rolls around again, if we are fortunate enough to be here, we will likely reflect upon what we want for the upcoming year and how glad we are to see the current one go.

Maybe we put too much stress on what is to come, in spite of the fact we have no idea what is ahead. Tallulah Bankhead once said,” If I had my life to live over again, I would make the same mistakes, only sooner”.  Interesting thought as we reflect on regrets and triumphs. What will you do with this year? As we take these strides forward at ever increasing speeds, in a hurry for this date to pass, this milestone to arrive, we should bear in mind we are pressing time to pass for us,  ultimately taking us to the place we will no longer be.

Slow down, admire, absorb; try your best to live each day as it is meant to be lived, one day at a time.



I have not felt so much hatred as I do in these days. It is infecting and the affects are everywhere. I worry about the innocents. We, old sullen beings can battle it out, but what of the babies? My heart is racing as that thought occurs. I want to be positive, but that is not going to be easy. There is a negative fog looming, but no one wants to budge. The first one who does shows weakness, vulnerability..I get that but what seems to be escaping us all is, we are all weak and vulnerable.

What I see happening is we are all having to think again. In our technologically advanced life we have these gadget to think for us under the guise of making things easier and moving faster. What we have ignored or failed to realize is, our capacity to think is diminishing with every keystroke. Those once passing thoughts become a permanent mark, a point of reference that can and will come back to haunt us, lest we hit the delete button as fast as we share. Mean-spirited, hurtful talk, bullying are difficult to challenge in the “trenches”, when the so-called leader(s) of this nation practice the behavior readily.

The venom is everywhere. Since”truth” has become a questionable concept, and lies have been redefined in a manner that makes them seemingly acceptable, at the very least excusable; the venom has a place to grow and thrive. there is a simple solution. Cut off that “snakes head”. Do not accept this distasteful, undesirable talk. Inaccurate, unreliable statements should be called by their correct name; LIES! Remember when LIES were bad things? Now they are simply vehicles to buy time until you have an excuse for whatever the lie is about. You are called a liar (in a tactful way), and then we move on and seemingly forward. Without any ramifications or repercussions other that YOU being called a liar, what is next? Now that liar is an abstract thought, how valuable is truth?

Contracts are meaningless, promises are just things to say…where is our protection. Think about it. “Truth in lending”, your child’s education, a job you contracted for, attorney client privilege, doctor/ patient relationships ALL can potentially be put under fire. Until then we are forced to navigate carefully, hopefully avoiding the venom but anxiously awaiting the anti-venom’s arrival.


And That Feels Good

Ahh..the sign of relief, the taking in of a deep breath. What a feeling! Meeting my daily walk challenge is satisfying, but a quick sprint is phenomenal. The distant grandchild who is finally coming around; there has always been love, but the way your heart fills when you are told YOU were the subject of her “show and tell” presentation about Why “this”is special. Reconnecting with friends from the past, you can never go back but being among folks who can bear witness to that time, makes that time come alive in you again.

Right now there is a need for something to give you comfort. Perhaps a hug or a movie that makes you laugh and cry… As I held the huge padded notebook that contained legal documents, I began to cry. I felt the tears well, I felt the ache in my chest and the lump in my throat rose and began to choke me. The silent wails were a millisecond away.  There I was cowering in my closet alone. I let go and then I rapidly reeled the feelings back in. I was surprised as I discovered, while I clutched that notebook, I felt comfort and I had missed that so much. I had spent the last year running from the fact, that I forgot how good that comfort felt.



I really did not want to think there was any feeling left. Yet a year almost to the day I told myself, “no more EVER”, a simple poke made my day. Emotionless at first,  then I felt rather smug and though I did not even respond, out of the blue I was able to relive our encounters. YIKES!

You truly “don’t miss the water till the well runs dry.” So he thinks about me, so what. It is a big deal, it was a big deal. I can still smell the cologne mixed with his pheromones , his well manicured hands, his beard (and I don’t even like beards) his soft intelligent speaking voice, his beautiful teeth, his eyes as he watched me walk, towards or away from him.

There’s a song, you may have heard it before,”LaLaLa Means I Love You” Well not anymore, but Once-Upon-A-Time….

Do you ever think of love(s) of your past? I don’t see anything wrong with it. As we creep closer and closer to the process of slowing down to an inevitable stop, we must do things that keep us aware of the fact that we were not always who we currently are.  Throughout our time the reaction to that fact will bring mixed feelings, but the flings and relationships of the past seem to have an electric energy. Powered by positive or negative emotions, they are invigorating  just the same.

I recall his face when I left him at the alter, The day I found out she was married, We had the best time at the prom, He handed me a dandelion by the lake.. You can add your own, but you know these times existed and they affected you.


Still Explaining Himself

Okay, our President was in Britain this past week.The Mayor of London, THE MAYOR remember this, criticized OUR President for something he is so obviously ill equipped to address, beyond personal opinion. Britain’s possible departure from The            European Union. This “mayor” suggested that President Obama should not be urging Britain to stay in the EU because (and I am paraphrasing here people) he removed a bust from The Oval Office. Wow. That makes perfect sense for a “National Enquirer, tabloid style remark. He went on to suggest The President being part Kenyan makes his dislike for Britain clear. Our President once again demonstrated why He is The President and the likes of Mayor Boris Johnson is NOT!  Take time to view The Presidents remarks regarding the Churchill bust.Winston Churchill’s very own grandson stated Boris’ remarks were inappropriate.   Once again racism knows no bounds. When challenged or even if it is just a simple opportunity to TRY to be relevant the small minds of racist jump at a chance to be seen. Too bad “The London Fog” could not mask it’s mayor’s  narrow mindedness and stupidity.


And You Appear To Be Normal

I think one of the more challenging things about having a loved one with dementia        ( trust me there are a host of them) is their appearance.  We are so arrogant in what we deem to be basic knowledge;  when a condition or disease or situation presents itself to you and when you are personally involved, the logic flies out the window. You reach for anything that will help you feel better, because you are hurting. You are hurting when you don’t even know it. One day you will , and chances are it will come crashing down on you.

I was scanning through some very recent pictures of my mom, and while she did not look great she did not look like the person she is now.  She has help with personal things like dressing and hygiene. Little things like combing her once beautiful hair, has to be assisted or she will INSIST, her hair looks fine.

I am not dealing with it realistically, I can escape reality because I am not right there. However, when I am there physically, I am still not where I should be. I am putting on a strong face, because when I think about what is happening, when I allow myself to  accept my mom is not going to get better, it makes me so very sad and I weep. I cannot allow myself to sink into that place, because the business of life must go on.  I am grateful she is not deathly ill in a hospital. I do question quality of life matters. She is able to stay in her home with the help of my younger brother. You must understand there is so much more going on though.

Therefore, fair warning and a reminder “Things are not always what they appear to be.”


Short Time and Small Talk

When you are blessed with a  true friend, you’d better recognize what a treasure you have. Not trying to fill this blog with metaphors, but they are sometimes just appropriate. It had been a bit since we just had a simple conversation; not about the tragedies or disasters going on in each of our lives, no talk of turmoil at work. We have gotten to a point where we expect to leave a message rather than talk to one another and when we do hear a voice that is the first  thing we say,” I didn’t expect you to pick up.” Just another example of how life passes you by so rapidly and you look around and you wonder where time has gone.

It was good talking to my friend, it was good  just hearing her voice. When we hung up it felt a sigh of relief and my mind traveled back to another time, but I was still able to realize where I was/ we were and how very far we have come. I also was able to come to terms with the fact if you don’t make time to visit your happy places, you can easily forget where they are or that they even exist.


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