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Motivated by a lack of material.

Archive for the tag “wisdom”

13 Apr 2026

They Challenge Us To Be Better

We all have a person in our lives to make us aware of the right thing to do, even when we are NOT trying to rise above it all.

There I was ready to relay a story, but I did not have anyone to tell it to. Audience is major when you perform, present, relay information This was the second time in a matter of days that I felt this way. Another dilemma I faced was sharing and my story being misinterpreted. I had to be deliberate and selective. I knew who I wanted to share with, but the trust factor was undeniable. My other choices I felt would not appreciate the seriousness of the matter. However, I was about to burst!

I want to believe I am a good person. Harmless. If I cannot help you, I certainly will not harm you. Yet, I am well aware of the fact that I am very much human. I battled with the first incident. Each time I saw one of the individuals I wanted to share my story with, I kept questioning what I was willing to sacrifice. I actually like each of the people, but I felt unsure of how much I trusted them. I decided my story was better kept to myself. After all, if you were not familiar with the “players” you would have had to be there.

The next story was personal. It was all about preference in dating and specifically mine. I do not feel like I have to defend that and I am honest and open about that. Needless to say, most of us know when a person is interested in them. In spite of making my choices clear, I was still approached. Sometimes it is laughable sometimes it is annoying. This situation was becoming annoying. Yet I was not willing to simply cut ties. He simply held a job in an industry that I refuse to consider in looking for a companion. He said he was fine with being friends, platonic friends. He was also slightly arrogant. I took on the “you asked for it” attitude.

I told my story to one of my moral compasses, her reaction let me know that I would not share it or the other situation with the second person I held in high esteem. She made it clear she did not approve. It silenced me. I did not expect such a judgmental response, but she truly is a good human. I found myself filled with regret, regret in doing what I did and regret for entertaining the idea of the next step. She thought I was not happy that I had shared the information with her and I would filter future stories…nothing could be farther from the truth. You see she reeled me back in. I was not sure that I would meet with something equally bad, but she made me think about who I actually am. Unapologetic but I did feel bad that I was allowing myself to be reduced to that type of being. It did not matter how I justified it.

I returned to the first incident. I realized that I would just have to let it go. I also knew I really did not want to. Therefore, what I needed to work on was the desire to gravitate towards the negative. What I needed was my friend to shake me into realizing I cannot have it both ways. I cannot be a good person and continue to play in the not-so-good person’s area. She forced me to look at this in a fashion that made it impossible to ignore, and she also made me look at that individual i was at that point in time. I did not like what I saw.

We humans carry an assortment of emotions and attitudes, but if we are constantly pushing and placing the responsibility elsewhere then if things end up in conflict to our liking, we have to assume some responsibility. We don’t always want that. These good folks, these moral compasses, remind us of these facts. They truly challenge us to be better.

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12 Apr 2026

Quick Thoughts Leave You Quickly

As someone who considers themselves a writer, I test several methods and ways to get my ideas into a visual form for sharing. Technology has given us many gifts. There are tools that seemingly will allow “us” to produce at the speed of light. This of course is an exaggeration. The ideas still need to be borne from our minds… correct

Currently I am working on being motivated and deliberate. I want to not just begin my pieces; I want to complete them. My biggest challenge is completions. I start just fine but then I get distracted. Once I disconnect for a moment my focus is in another area and eventually my body follows the lead of my mind.

Memory is a funny thing at this juncture in life. Many of my contemporaries worry that tiny lapses are indications of something far more serious. However, that is not always the case. We have to learn that while we must advocate for ourselves, we must give ourselves grace and if we are still truly troubled by health and/or behavior changes, seek out the advice of a trained professional.

Here is the connection; my situation and this particular piece are guided by my writing, mountains of information, and memory. I begin my process of writing, I have to process the information, research it, draw conclusions, and get it written. When distractions take me out of my headspace, I lose something, I forget. I become aggravated but should I be alarmed? At this point I say, no. I say I need to find a way to retain the thoughts and thought processes. This is old fashioned, but for fear of stating the obvious, I am old. Writing down brief notes helps me remember what I intend to write about. It works. Do you know how I know it works? Well, it is quite simple; when I do not employ this process, I forget. I spend a great deal of time trying to recover the idea I wanted to address but neglected to write down. Then I am stuck, stuck because I cannot let go of the idea I had and stuck because I cannot recover it beyond knowing I had this idea.

Is this cause for concern, should I consult with the geriatric department for testing? I think not, at least for now. I think I need to slow down and employ the process I know works, because I have seen time and again what happens when I do not. I get a first-hand lesson in how quick thoughts leave quickly.

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11 Apr 2026

Sometimes It Just Doesn’t Seem Real

2:13 in the morning, I am actually preparing to go to sleep. I made the mistake of napping earlier in the evening. I am restless, but very aware I need to get that REM sleep. The tele has gone into the inactive state. Now images from my picture library are appearing. I pay them little attention, but then an image of Jay (my late son), Carlton, and Wes (my late husband) appear. It is Jay’s 1st birthday. His face and hands look as though they were dipped in the chocolate frosting. They are all smiling, clearly posing, but they is a sense of joy on their faces. I stop in the midst of my sleep preparation and allow myself to immerse myself in that moment in time. A time when my family was intact, a time where I could not fathom 38 years in the future. The place I currently occupy. For a brief millisecond that feeling is real.

I hear Wes’ voice; I see the kids’ irrepressible smiles. I feel “at home”. Then, my consciousness awakens. I am alone in my bedroom. My “Tiana’ sleeps at my feet (for now). Without thinking but surely knowing, my eldest is in another state with his family, my youngest son and my husband are no longer here on Earth with me. The overwhelming sadness engulfs me. I do not breakdown on the outside, but on the inside what I feel simply returns to the place it has occupied for the past 8 years, ever-present and unwavering.

For a short period in time, we can sometimes let our mind do what is needed, so that we can continue to function. We never forget; we simply learn to manage or let the forces within us take on and take over, that which we are not equipped to. The truth is sometimes it just doesn’t seem real.

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19 Oct 2025

While You Are Busy Making Plans

John Lennon said, ” Life is what happens while you are busy making plans.” I loved John. I loved “The Beatles”. In 1980 when the news of John’s murder hit the news, I felt the sadness of loss. I had no idea what was ahead for me. I was single, no children and my immediate family was intact. John’s words would become a part of me in a whirlwind of events. I would watch in a sort of out of body experience, with the narration being made up of that simple yet prophetic statement.

Speeding into the future, the everyday drudgery of life; it all seems unremarkable. Looking back, I believe it was actually “setting the stage for the next acts”. We will take it a decade at a time, for days, even years seem overwhelming to recount.

From 1980 thru 1990 I married, had two children and lost my father. From 1990 thru 2000 my family moved away from everything we were familiar with to another state, and I had a child graduate from high school. 2000 thru 2010 my other child graduate from high school, the 1st black president was elected, and I became a grandmother. 2010 thru 2020; a second grandchild was welcomed into the family. Then I lost a great portion of my immediate family, my mother, my youngest son, my younger brother, and my husband. I lost sight of who I was because that person no longer existed, only portions of her remained and she was unrecognizable. 2020 thru present; a pandemic, I retired, what remained of my immediate family, and I left the state we had settled in for 30 years.

August 2025 a reminder of the pain of loss returned; my brother-in-law passed away. I always liked Calvin. In my mind I had lost all the people that I could bare, and I should not have to lose anyone else. The logical thought is that I would go before anyone else, but I aint logical. I feel like the universe has wronged me and I get to say how it will make things right. I am not an idiot, though as I write this, I know how irrational I sound. However, it sounds, it is the expression of how I feel. This kind of loss is a reminder how fragile life is. This kind of loss is a trigger that takes me back to the times that a familiar type of hurt was encompassing my life. It is familiar, but that does not soften the blow or the shock. Part of the resilience of humans is that we retain hope and that hope makes us insulate from certain pain, even if the insulation is a temporary loss of memory.

I wish I had something ironic or profound to end this with, I don’t. Instead I will leave you with words you have likely heard/read before. “Live each day is though it were your last, for it may very well be.” It is wonderful to have a plan, but always keep in mind that you have to factor in LIFE and that adds an entirely different dynamic to your plan.

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10 Apr 2025

Love The One You’re With

Now I know my some of my contemporaries recall the title of The Isley Brother’s song. Many probably know most of the lyrics. Although it was released during a time period where dating and love was not as complicated as it is now, there clearly was a need to reflect on one’s love life.

Relationships, dating, interacting … I have loads of time to write about this because I am basically not active in two of the afore mentioned categories. Time gives us opportunity to reflect. When you find yourself in this place make good use of it. “Love The One You’re With” is about self-love. Yes, we spend time making sure things are right for others, but we neglect the one person who we really should not .. ourselves.

Being in the status that affords one the ability to NOT have to punch a time clock, log hours or be at any given place at any given time, WILL spoil you. Things like being on time for appointments and/or events may fall from your priority list. You have to remind yourself, ” Just because I have all the time I need today, does NOT mean the other person or situation does.” The dentist asks what’s a good day for you, you have to figure what day cannot/will not work. Let’s see I am going to wake-up sometime in the morning and then after taking care of basic hygiene… now what? Time joins the list of casualties on your list of ” I’ll get around to it”.

If you are able to have someone else take care of your hair-skin-nails which are metamorphosizing at an extreme rate, what do you do…you go have those services taken care of. On the other hand, if you have decided these maintenance things are no longer necessary because no one is going to SEE you, here is some “food for thought”. YOU SEE YOU! Our perceptions directly affect our reactions. If you see worn out and tired, you will take on the persona of that even if you did not intend to. It will NOT take long before you find yourself existing as you appear. My father used to always quote me this phrase, ” So a man thinketh, so a man shall be.” YOU re worth the time and the effort. YOU matter and that will be what you project when YOU “Love The One You’re With”.

Therefore, self-love is imperative. For your health, for your well-being, and for your life. We cannot hope to be of value to others if we do not first value ourselves. Take time for you, go to the gym, read a book on a subject you are interested in, get a pedicure or better yet try giving yourself one in the comfort of your home. Then you can go out and share some of the positivity you have gained or re-gained, by loving the one you are with…YOU!

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16 Mar 2025

Nuthin in New Bern

This is not to be insulting or offensive. It is an observation that takes into account personal preferences and choices.

A beautiful little city in Eastern North Carolina, I came to live here because my eldest son was offered a promotion. He asked me if I wanted to move with his family here. Due to the fact that I am a widow, and we lost his younger brother in 2018, he knew I had nothing tying me to Atlanta that would take precedence over my remaining immediate family. It was a “no brainer”. Therefore, I made the decision to head “north”.

Upon our arrival here I was taken with the cuteness. There were unique little shops, there was familiar retail and loads of eateries. The demographic was quite different from Metro Atlanta, but on the other hand I embraced things like very little traffic and close proximity to the beach. Fast forward over 3 years later. Life happens, as it just does. My son and his family moved back to the Atlanta area. My moving back was not as “simple” as theirs was. I was enrolled in college classes; I had a lease, and my retirement income while adequate for New Bern very well could/would/may present a challenge that I was not really prepared to deal with. I am now basically alone with Nuthin In New Bern.

As seniors we all have a very real possibility of being ALONE somewhere, at some time in our futures. We may either outlive or outlast our people and/ or circumstances. I speak with my 93-year-old “play mother”(she is actually my younger sister’s official godmother, but she was my mom’s best friend for decades of mom’s life. She is family) daily. This out-living/out lasting is her “plight”. As I examine my circumstances, I feel the need to sound off the warning signal. When I speak of my “play mother’s” plight it is yet another observation of how varied we are as Baby Boomers. It is also worthy of notice. Be it health, finances, tragic events; we have years of experience in life to deal with changes. However, we have undergone many changes that may take us off track. As we have aged, we naturally have taken on some of the characteristics of aging, whether we want to or not. The adage of “teaching an old dog new tricks” takes on a new light when you find you are not only embracing that line of thinking, but you’re also living it.

The graces that youth provides us with, are no longer benefits we “hold the papers to”. I am a bit adventurous and nomadic, but now my new “friends (limitations and mobility)” trailing behind me, closing in on me, and they are just waiting to join my caravan of life. I have to mount an offensive. This state of “being alone” gives you an opportunity to do a great deal of thinking… too much thinking at times. For an overthinker it is not necessarily a good thing. However, the flip side is my mind shall not be “a workshop for the devil”.

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21 Nov 2024

Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

I should have known better. I should have seen this coming. Tell me the one thing you hope no one ever says or thinks about you. When you find yourself faced with that very thing, that very thought, what do you do. Will you let pride and ego drag you down the path of destruction of sorts?

Sometimes you get blindsided. I asked myself the question, I told myself, for the most part, I do not care what people think about me. I also realize on some levels that is NOT true. I am confrontational, I am judgmental, I am also respectful and exercise tact. I kept hearing over and over again how there was no need to worry about me, because I will be alright. She can/will handle it. As time went on, I wondered if that was/those assessment were because that is truly how I am viewed/seen/perceived or was this a way of getting folks that I may have turned to off the hook.

Making it your business NOT to say or do things for reaction in your personal life is far different than what you have been taught to do in your business life. Yet the two worlds entwine and intermingle.

You find yourself in a place of insignificance and disregard. It does NOT feel good. Individuals that once turned to you for advice and assistance, do not notice it has been several days since they communicated with you. When they do communicate, they do NOT take time to hear or listen to you. At first you may not even notice this is happening. Then as time goes on and it occurs more and more, what do you do? Do you approach it and try to identify where the break has manifested, or do you ignore it and hope the other individual has a revelation/comes to their senses and makes everything right?

In your work world you exercise tact and operate in a place that gives individuals the benefit of the doubt. If they do not respond the solution can be a simple discussion or as drastic as them losing their job. However, unlike in your personal life, the cards are placed on the table.

I was much better at this when I was younger, but now with a panic attack under my belt I am realizing I must care for me. I cannot let things happen. I cannot wait for the other shoe to drop.

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15 May 2024

Wonder What The Fellas Think

No offense here but in the real world where men and women have to interact with one another, men have almost NEVER been accused or characterized as overthinking. They are risk takers, and most could truly care less what someone thinks of them. You will find an overweight, bald, toothless, self-employed guy on the dating sites like he has as much to offer as a fit, well-dressed, corporate attorney with a full set of pearly-white choppers and a head full of his own hair. Scary thought alert, maybe he does….

Being a part of a couple for over three decades, there were many instances where my spouse may have walked in on a conversation between myself and a single friend. I battled with and was successful in keeping the discussions involving dating or other encounters outside our realm of approachable subject matter. Let’s face it all of us do things that we do not want advertised or to be the topic of in mixed company. How soon we forget where we came from, in this case the ranks of single life.

In my mind I expect my conversations are strictly between myself and the other party (my single friends at the time/now me) I am communicating with. One does not expect to be critiqued by another being, particularly a significant other of a friend, in a perfect world. Furthermore, I am not thoroughly convinced that these same individuals are privy to more knowledge, outside of their particular situation, than I. I truly could NOT care less what they think/suggest, barring they have a perfect man they want to introduce me to. Knowing full well that they only have “thoughts” to offer, which are likely jaded because their woman having a single friend is not something many men are not fond of. For now, I have to hope I am being defended as I adamantly defended my single friends when my late spouse walked in, or overheard conversations meant for my ears only.

Women who are single are dangerous, we remind the attached folks that there is another status around. Does the disdain come from what we project or is it what others perceive? We fall into so many categories wild, desperate, pitiful, promiscuous, tempting, lonely, independent, needy and all the in-betweens. We also remind them of what they once were, and/or that they could be where we are. That may or may not be a bad thing.

Our “sisters” do not want to be where we find ourselves. The fellas look at us as an untapped resource; an area of possibilities, escapes from reality, but keep us at arms distance for we could blow up their seemingly happy stable existence(s). Actually, too much thought is put into this simple situation. There are some undeniable facts here. Men are outnumbered by women; humans are social creatures and want to be in places/situations that are familiar and therefore comfortable. Yet there is still the “renegade”… the one that wants more than he can handle or is allotted, is entitled to, deserving of. He and his type are given power, and in spite of him NOT knowing what to do with it and/or his mismanagement, others become subject to his ineptness. Now he/ his type is the standard, the rule, rather than the exception to it.

Where do we go from here? This seems like an old and familiar song. Well just because it is old and familiar does not take away from the fact it is true and good.

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08 May 2023
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Silently Self-Absorbed

It rang in my ear. Words from a “friend” lost along the way. She said, “I liked who liked me.” I brushed it off because I did not agree. I looked at it from a superficial standpoint. This is an excuse for being with this type, or this race, or this whatever. I told myself she IS settling because she is running from the truth, her truth. I don’t have that problem, I KNOW who I am, I am NOT in denial. At least that is what I tell myself.

I started writing this blog over a decade ago. Lots of LIFE has happened in these past 13 plus years. I now find myself writing about the dilemma known as dating. I am NO EXPERT, but I do have a handle on what I have encountered. As a writer I want to cover other things my blog was started as an entertaining little observation, now it has taken on a life of its own and that life actually belongs to ME. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say it has taken on MY LIFE.

This is the age of the Narcissist. We all know one or two, if we examine ourselves in comparison to the definition, we may find that we ourselves fall into the category. Why does this surprise us and why is this piece relevant?

Like the presentation of a dead bird or headless mouse a cat brings to its beloved owner or prospective owner, these suitors delivered an array of meaningless, inappropriate, silly trinkets. Their intentions unsuccessfully disguised in the simplest of fashion. I know this sounds bad but thus the title Silently Self–Absorbed. Of course, they never had any idea how much I disliked what they had given me. They were just moved into the area that prospects go to “die.” The deal is if YOU are the right kind of being, the material gifts could NEVER hold a candle to your character, and that IS what I/we humans ultimately seek.

Yet this environment I must venture into on a regular basis has me doing as the saying suggests ” When in Rome…” I dislike it, I find it distasteful, but I am still pulled into it. The idea of having an individual who does not possess qualities I say I want, need, must have is unconscionable. I had to admit that sounded like a narcissist. The presence of the word “I” was everywhere! I want this, I must have that, I will not tolerate…I, I, I,!

As many of us who are fortunate enough to have a community of”sisters” , I sent my daily greeting to mine. I thought of what I wanted to run passed them, the exploits of the day/night before. They KNOW me and my characteristics, most importantly my “Achilles heel”. It was as I thought of my weakness, I realized something that was mentioned to me regarding a certain behavior pattern I have developed and quite frankly thought was quite good. It was in the midst of my describing what I was doing and rationalizing it, my attention was drawn to the fact that” if the shoe was on the other foot” I would NOT tolerate such behavior… and try as I might to dance around this revelation, it was quite true. YIKES!

Without revealing details of these shortcomings that exist within ourselves we play to a different looking narcissist, but it still is a narcissist just the same. Self-absorbed with justification(s) still qualifies as self-absorbed. And finally just because you do not shout your intentions/ preferences/thought patterns from rooftops does NOT make them any less obvious. While focusing on I/me one might be overlooking that which stares one in the face, in ones very own reflection, with or without the aid of a mirror. Now who is the one with the issue of being self-absorbed.?

Posted in Dating 6.0, How We Relate and tagged , ,
06 Oct 2022
1 Comment

“SlimPickins”

He offered to let ME buy him lunch once…In turn I laughed in his face. I was in my postal vehicle, wearing my wedding ring. Mr. Pickins was a patron, who lived with his mother, and waited for a general relief check each month. His was thin like his name suggests (which is a metaphor in case you didn’t get the memo), he was unshaven, unkempt, and far from articulate. His status and predicament, that I found ridiculous, was overshadowed by the fact he disregarded my marital status and without hesitation made me aware he was willing to let me be in his company. Yes, good ole Slim thought he was “prime real estate”… quite a catch. Furthermore, HE was unaffected by my response, and he did not shy away from meeting me at his mother’s mailbox on a regular basis, even after I had unceremoniously refused his offer. I thought him repulsive and shockingly arrogant. That was 30 years ago… how could I have ever imagined that this man was a precursor to that which was yet to come.

As I am now a part of the demographic that is in search of a companion. I still have nerve enough to have certain standards… in spite of the challenges that exist nowadays I refuse to lower those standards. I mean why can’t a man who walks upright or one that makes a complete sentence… Ok I am NOT quite that desperate, but it is not easy to meet a decent prospect these days ladies. The competition is stiff. I even had a so called interested party tell me that I should be kind to even the most ridiculous of potential suitors. He was making a case for his male brethren, of course he and I did not work out either. Expect nothing and that is EXACTLY what you will get.

Imagine you are a Sugar Junkie and being placed in a “candy factory”, complete with a Specialty Sweets Shop. The entire experience, the aromas, the visuals, and the tastes. You’d be possessed by the environment. At first the challenge would be to get to your favorites, then maybe to sample as many of the different treats at your fingertips. Then the realization that you can what you want and as much of it that you can consume. Urgency is likely the first casualty, what is the actual rush? Choice will be a close second, why do you have to pick at all because you CAN have it all. Control will hover around in varying stages. One might think there are so many consequences which should make one be cautious, but you must realize that so much can/will take place before the consequences occur and/ or will be felt. You could lose all of your teeth, become morbidly obese, or fall into a diabetic coma before anything would compel you to do the right thing. And even then, you are still in the “candy factory”. As time goes on you might slow down because you have to compensate for your condition(s). Get the idea? What role do you find yourself in? Are you the consumer or are you the product?

Mr. Slim Pickens has been in this factory. He either decided (not likely) to leave on his own or he had to leave because of his particular circumstance, but through it all he is still a contender in today’s climate. What’s more he is still presenting like he is that catch. Someone will take him….

Be strong, be vigilant, be patient… understand that most of these overindulgent out-of-control creatures in the “candy factory” have a base in self-control and decency.

Posted in How We Relate, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , ,

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