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Archive for the tag “wisdom”

15 May 2024

Wonder What The Fellas Think

No offense here but in the real world where men and women have to interact with one another, men have almost NEVER been accused or characterized as overthinking. They are risk takers, and most could truly care less what someone thinks of them. You will find an overweight, bald, toothless, self-employed guy on the dating sites like he has as much to offer as a fit, well-dressed, corporate attorney with a full set of pearly-white choppers and a head full of his own hair. Scary thought alert, maybe he does….

Being a part of a couple for over three decades, there were many instances where my spouse may have walked in on a conversation between myself and a single friend. I battled with and was successful in keeping the discussions involving dating or other encounters outside our realm of approachable subject matter. Let’s face it all of us do things that we do not want advertised or to be the topic of in mixed company. How soon we forget where we came from, in this case the ranks of single life.

In my mind I expect my conversations are strictly between myself and the other party (my single friends at the time/now me) I am communicating with. One does not expect to be critiqued by another being, particularly a significant other of a friend, in a perfect world. Furthermore, I am not thoroughly convinced that these same individuals are privy to more knowledge, outside of their particular situation, than I. I truly could NOT care less what they think/suggest, barring they have a perfect man they want to introduce me to. Knowing full well that they only have “thoughts” to offer, which are likely jaded because their woman having a single friend is not something many men are not fond of. For now, I have to hope I am being defended as I adamantly defended my single friends when my late spouse walked in, or overheard conversations meant for my ears only.

Women who are single are dangerous, we remind the attached folks that there is another status around. Does the disdain come from what we project or is it what others perceive? We fall into so many categories wild, desperate, pitiful, promiscuous, tempting, lonely, independent, needy and all the in-betweens. We also remind them of what they once were, and/or that they could be where we are. That may or may not be a bad thing.

Our “sisters” do not want to be where we find ourselves. The fellas look at us as an untapped resource; an area of possibilities, escapes from reality, but keep us at arms distance for we could blow up their seemingly happy stable existence(s). Actually, too much thought is put into this simple situation. There are some undeniable facts here. Men are outnumbered by women; humans are social creatures and want to be in places/situations that are familiar and therefore comfortable. Yet there is still the “renegade”… the one that wants more than he can handle or is allotted, is entitled to, deserving of. He and his type are given power, and in spite of him NOT knowing what to do with it and/or his mismanagement, others become subject to his ineptness. Now he/ his type is the standard, the rule, rather than the exception to it.

Where do we go from here? This seems like an old and familiar song. Well just because it is old and familiar does not take away from the fact it is true and good.

Posted in Everybody's Critic and tagged , , | Leave a comment
08 May 2023
1 Comment

Silently Self-Absorbed

It rang in my ear. Words from a “friend” lost along the way. She said, “I liked who liked me.” I brushed it off because I did not agree. I looked at it from a superficial standpoint. This is an excuse for being with this type, or this race, or this whatever. I told myself she IS settling because she is running from the truth, her truth. I don’t have that problem, I KNOW who I am, I am NOT in denial. At least that is what I tell myself.

I started writing this blog over a decade ago. Lots of LIFE has happened in these past 13 plus years. I now find myself writing about the dilemma known as dating. I am NO EXPERT, but I do have a handle on what I have encountered. As a writer I want to cover other things my blog was started as an entertaining little observation, now it has taken on a life of its own and that life actually belongs to ME. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say it has taken on MY LIFE.

This is the age of the Narcissist. We all know one or two, if we examine ourselves in comparison to the definition, we may find that we ourselves fall into the category. Why does this surprise us and why is this piece relevant?

Like the presentation of a dead bird or headless mouse a cat brings to its beloved owner or prospective owner, these suitors delivered an array of meaningless, inappropriate, silly trinkets. Their intentions unsuccessfully disguised in the simplest of fashion. I know this sounds bad but thus the title Silently Self–Absorbed. Of course, they never had any idea how much I disliked what they had given me. They were just moved into the area that prospects go to “die.” The deal is if YOU are the right kind of being, the material gifts could NEVER hold a candle to your character, and that IS what I/we humans ultimately seek.

Yet this environment I must venture into on a regular basis has me doing as the saying suggests ” When in Rome…” I dislike it, I find it distasteful, but I am still pulled into it. The idea of having an individual who does not possess qualities I say I want, need, must have is unconscionable. I had to admit that sounded like a narcissist. The presence of the word “I” was everywhere! I want this, I must have that, I will not tolerate…I, I, I,!

As many of us who are fortunate enough to have a community of”sisters” , I sent my daily greeting to mine. I thought of what I wanted to run passed them, the exploits of the day/night before. They KNOW me and my characteristics, most importantly my “Achilles heel”. It was as I thought of my weakness, I realized something that was mentioned to me regarding a certain behavior pattern I have developed and quite frankly thought was quite good. It was in the midst of my describing what I was doing and rationalizing it, my attention was drawn to the fact that” if the shoe was on the other foot” I would NOT tolerate such behavior… and try as I might to dance around this revelation, it was quite true. YIKES!

Without revealing details of these shortcomings that exist within ourselves we play to a different looking narcissist, but it still is a narcissist just the same. Self-absorbed with justification(s) still qualifies as self-absorbed. And finally just because you do not shout your intentions/ preferences/thought patterns from rooftops does NOT make them any less obvious. While focusing on I/me one might be overlooking that which stares one in the face, in ones very own reflection, with or without the aid of a mirror. Now who is the one with the issue of being self-absorbed.?

Posted in Dating 6.0, How We Relate and tagged , ,
06 Oct 2022
1 Comment

“SlimPickins”

He offered to let ME buy him lunch once…In turn I laughed in his face. I was in my postal vehicle, wearing my wedding ring. Mr. Pickins was a patron, who lived with his mother, and waited for a general relief check each month. His was thin like his name suggests (which is a metaphor in case you didn’t get the memo), he was unshaven, unkempt, and far from articulate. His status and predicament, that I found ridiculous, was overshadowed by the fact he disregarded my marital status and without hesitation made me aware he was willing to let me be in his company. Yes, good ole Slim thought he was “prime real estate”… quite a catch. Furthermore, HE was unaffected by my response, and he did not shy away from meeting me at his mother’s mailbox on a regular basis, even after I had unceremoniously refused his offer. I thought him repulsive and shockingly arrogant. That was 30 years ago… how could I have ever imagined that this man was a precursor to that which was yet to come.

As I am now a part of the demographic that is in search of a companion. I still have nerve enough to have certain standards… in spite of the challenges that exist nowadays I refuse to lower those standards. I mean why can’t a man who walks upright or one that makes a complete sentence… Ok I am NOT quite that desperate, but it is not easy to meet a decent prospect these days ladies. The competition is stiff. I even had a so called interested party tell me that I should be kind to even the most ridiculous of potential suitors. He was making a case for his male brethren, of course he and I did not work out either. Expect nothing and that is EXACTLY what you will get.

Imagine you are a Sugar Junkie and being placed in a “candy factory”, complete with a Specialty Sweets Shop. The entire experience, the aromas, the visuals, and the tastes. You’d be possessed by the environment. At first the challenge would be to get to your favorites, then maybe to sample as many of the different treats at your fingertips. Then the realization that you can what you want and as much of it that you can consume. Urgency is likely the first casualty, what is the actual rush? Choice will be a close second, why do you have to pick at all because you CAN have it all. Control will hover around in varying stages. One might think there are so many consequences which should make one be cautious, but you must realize that so much can/will take place before the consequences occur and/ or will be felt. You could lose all of your teeth, become morbidly obese, or fall into a diabetic coma before anything would compel you to do the right thing. And even then, you are still in the “candy factory”. As time goes on you might slow down because you have to compensate for your condition(s). Get the idea? What role do you find yourself in? Are you the consumer or are you the product?

Mr. Slim Pickens has been in this factory. He either decided (not likely) to leave on his own or he had to leave because of his particular circumstance, but through it all he is still a contender in today’s climate. What’s more he is still presenting like he is that catch. Someone will take him….

Be strong, be vigilant, be patient… understand that most of these overindulgent out-of-control creatures in the “candy factory” have a base in self-control and decency.

Posted in How We Relate, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , ,
31 Jan 2022

My”Bloody”Ear

I just HAD to have that third earring! It has literally been a thorn in my side from the beginning. First, I grew up during an era when it was stylish to pierce from lobe to cartilage. I did not get my ears pierced until I was 16. While many of my other classmates and contemporaries went through the process of string, straws and finally actual earrings my lobes remained intact. Why you might ask. I certainly wanted them pierced like the other little girls. Something about having shiny little pieces of gold, silver, or birthstones in your ears just added to perceived beauty. Not many little girls do NOT want to be seen as pretty. My barrier was my mom. Mom had seen a girl with keloids, rather large ones hanging from her ears and decided she would NEVER pierce her ears and subsequently no daughter of hers would either. As we grew into young teenagers these decorations became more ornate and colorful. I now realized they were status symbols, attention getters.

Earrings had peace signs on them, black fists, happy faces, flowers, hearts, even marijuana leaves by the time we got to high school in the late 1970’s. However, I had “missed the boat” already. The last thing I wanted to be was noticed or have attention drawn to me. Yet at 16 armed with my beautiful best friend and her equally beautiful mother, I got up the nerve to ask my mother if I could pierce my ears. To my surprise mom said YES. Off to the mall we scurried and while I was denied the “pageantry” of strings and straws, I was at last able to finally sport cute shiny objects in my ears. They went virtually unnoticed.

Before I turned 20, I had the 2nd holes in my ears. I was on my way to being an ornate young lady with piercings lining my entire outer edge of my ears and that was where the process stopped. I spoke with females in passing and was informed that the closer one got to the cartilage the more painful and cumbersome the piercings would become. I wasn’t about no pain. Now we had ushered in multiple piercings, the men were now more readily sporting earrings (although men in other countries had been piercing their ears since before sailors went around the Cape of Good Hope and marked the accomplishment with a single gold hoop in the left ear). I still had my same two holes in each lobe without incident.

Flash forward, my inaugural trip to Hawaii I felt incomplete without getting that 3rd piercing. Therefore, I did it. I told the young lady at the piercing spot in the local mall I did not want it higher on my lobe but pointed her to an area that was beside my uppermost piercing. I naively thought she does this all the time if it would be a problem, she certainly would not do it AND she would tell me why. No such thing occurred. I had selected the diamond stud a bit more expensive made of better materials and because over the years I had discovered an allergy that prevented me from wearing “fashion” jewelry without suffering the consequence of itching rashes. I followed the instructions and waited for my ears to heal. The progress did not seem to be moving forward, it also did not seem to be any real problem associated with the piercing either. I wanted to be able to wear hoop earrings to Hawaii but since the ears had not healed completely that did not happen. During the past 4 years I have babied, treated and endured the sensitive 3rd piercing I just had to have! The left ear was the bigger problem, but the right would act up also.

Most recently I was in my bed and that left lobe felt itchy and sore to the touch. I was too lazy to get out of the bed and figured it was time to put some healing, anti-bacterial agent on my troublesome ear. I took the white gold hoop out finding noting unusual. As I applied the ointment, I felt a bit of fluid. It was wet enough to cause me to get up. I then saw the blood. I, quite annoyed, treated the ear. The process sent me on this psychological journey, that gave life to this piece. In the end I have decided if this ear gives me the slightest problem again, I am merely going to let it close up. I have long hair that mostly covers my ears anyway, so my everyday earrings are not so important now.

What I wonder is why it took so long and why such an arduous trip to discover I really did not need another piercing in my ears. A discovery I kinda made about 44 years ago. And I made it without the help of “my bloody ear” or my ear “bloody”.

Posted in Order of Appearance and tagged , | Leave a comment
23 Apr 2016
3 Comments

Short Time and Small Talk

When you are blessed with a  true friend, you’d better recognize what a treasure you have. Not trying to fill this blog with metaphors, but they are sometimes just appropriate. It had been a bit since we just had a simple conversation; not about the tragedies or disasters going on in each of our lives, no talk of turmoil at work. We have gotten to a point where we expect to leave a message rather than talk to one another and when we do hear a voice that is the first  thing we say,” I didn’t expect you to pick up.” Just another example of how life passes you by so rapidly and you look around and you wonder where time has gone.

It was good talking to my friend, it was good  just hearing her voice. When we hung up it felt a sigh of relief and my mind traveled back to another time, but I was still able to realize where I was/ we were and how very far we have come. I also was able to come to terms with the fact if you don’t make time to visit your happy places, you can easily forget where they are or that they even exist.

Posted in Quickbits and tagged ,
21 Apr 2016

Has God Abandoned You

Hopefully, you are not in a place where this question will even come to mind. However, life being what it is, you have been there or you will be there at some point in your life. Does Christian faith allow for such doubt, and even if it does not what of you if you find yourself in the grips of such turmoil?

We hurt, we become confused, and we grow tired. That is reality. We are in search of reassurance that our pain WILL be healed, our hearts will be restored and we will continue on. Yet in those moments that feel like a lifetime, isn’t it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The concept of FAITH in a world that bases worthiness and authenticity on guarantees, is a challenge in and of itself. Therefore you have to consider the rainbow; they are indications that a storm has happened somewhere, but it also shows you it is over and the path is clear once again.

Posted in Quickbits and tagged , | Leave a comment
07 Jul 2015
2 Comments

If You Had A Choice

I remember a song by the Impressions from my childhood. I went to YouTube to make sure I was not imagining things and I verified it all. Time and again I remind my readers, I am a girl from Kansas City raised by church-going people. We moved to California and it was culture shock of amazing proportions.

I was questioned about my feeling towards a certain actress. I knew that I was not asked why I don’t like this performer randomly.. I love a debate but I select the ones I will participate in. This was my friend, so I bit. Before the discussion was over I was told( in so many words) that my feeling about this actress made my friend believe/feel/think we would not be friends if she had been born lighter.  I do not feel that way. I did not think my opinion of an actress was indicative of me, but it brought me to a point that I wanted to discuss and write about.

I am passionate about race. I also want to believe that in my lifetime the racism bulls%#@ will disappear. Is that idealistic or naive? Perhaps. However in the wake of a massacre in a church, in the midst of several states introducing bills/ legislature to ban a flag that throughout the history of The United States of America has insighted violence, implied white supremacy, represented death and destruction, I need to believe something positive will result from all of this.

I venture to say my feelings about being black is NOT unique. Some members of the white race may find this hard to believe or understand, but black people are proud people. Black people LOVE being black!The actress I spoke of earlier is “conveniently black”. My friend pointed out others, my response is the same for them as well. The difference being I have NOT heard of an incident in which the others have “tah-tahed” being black off when directly questioned. Is she(the actress) a coward or is she utilizing a special gift( the gift of the chameleon)? “If you had a choice of color, which one would you chose my brother?”Black people do not want what YOU(White people) have; we only want what is ours… YOU argue,” go out and work hard, pull yourself up by your boot straps like other groups”. Then I offer you a couple events in history and places where black people did just that, and the end results are Rosewood, Florida or  Tulsa,(Greenwood Neighborhood)Oklahoma massacres. “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” Undermining the efforts of the black race in America is a well thought out plan. We are not “belly-aching”, we have valid substantiated gripes.

In this time period, where so much information is readily available, the thought of someone passing for white is bazaar . Yet not so very long ago you had a woman who by most accounts is clinically white, passed herself off as black. How bazaar was that?  No job application you fill out now will fail to ask a question about your race, the difference now is you don’t have to answer. Once upon a time it was against the law to say you were one race when you KNEW you were another, now one must be cautious not to break the law by being too insistent in asking about someone’s race.

What must it be like to wake in the morning and NOT be concerned about race. I have friends and acquaintances who have lived abroad for several years and what stands out about the experiences they speak of is the LACK of or down-right absence of racial incidents! I cannot fathom that thought. I want to see, feel, believe one day I will experience those things, right here in America. Back to the choice; what must it have been like to be trapped in a society and a body that threatened your existence because of your look….and to have a magic wand that could make all of that disappear, your own personal cloaking device. I imagine it was very similar to what we have STILL have in America. A great deal has changed, but a great deal remains the same.

 

Posted in One For My Friends and tagged ,
14 Mar 2015
6 Comments

Twice A Child V-LIVING

Okay,  here we are and we now know,  It is what it is.  Trouble is where do we go from here? What do we do, how do we cope now that life has changed on us, where are the solutions ?

This is a very difficult entry for a couple of reasons. Due to the fact it is the final entry for this series, as well as it is something that I am currently experiencing. I do not know how to feel from day to day. Am I guilty because I am not right there physically, in the “trenches” or does my guilt come from relief that I am not there in the “trenches”. Is my bravery and acceptance a disguise for fear and denial. Do I keep busy so that I am not in a state of constant infantile bawling, because the person I love, respect, need is no longer here with me. Yet an image and a sound-bite tells me different.  What is it like for her; trapped by her surroundings real and imaginary. Moments of being seemingly lucid only to be followed by complete confusion. She is angry, she is determined, and she is afraid.

The process of life gives you 9 months to prepare for the arrival of new life, yet when life ends it is a flash. Be it prolonged illness that feels like it will never end or a sudden unexpected accident, the truth is life still does stop in the cessation of one tiny breath. The deterioration of the mind is a cruel painful experience. Each time I see a lost soul walking down the street I fight the growing lump in MY throat, because I know that IS someones loved one.

Think about scenarios you have witnessed, someone speaking crossly to a poor soul weak and frail. Nurses and doctors along with family members  trying to hold down a silver haired being who is screaming and fighting with ever bit of their strength. The Aging Process can be cruel. You do not witness that poor frail person being spoken to in a cruel fashion telling their child how bad each and everything they try to do is, yu do not see the silver haired person fighting off nurses, doctors and loved ones throwing things when they don’t get their way or wandering off time and again without a trace. You don’t have the “luxury” of knowing the worry, the pain, the frustration, the hurt that WILL take it’s toll on an able-bodied strong human being. Try not to judge as an outsider, as an observer. As a participant, buckle yourself in this is GOING to be a rough ride. There it is life coming straight at you; yet YOU can be blind-sided, YOU can get the sucker punch in your face. There is no preparation for this experience.

I recall aging friends and family members who have been confined to assisted living facilities, convalescent hospitals,etc. I can clearly see the faces of folks I do not know lined up in the hallway or sitting in a chair in their solitary rooms. Some faces cry out for help, some stare blankly ahead. We, the ones left behind search for a glimmer of hope, a slight chance that the person we love will return.. Medical science has yet to  figure out a way to release the mind from the confines it sometimes finds itself locked in. Therefore we are left with that hope, that prayer the one we love will one day come back. How heartless would we be if we said,”They are gone forever”. How heartbreaking is it to know and feel that very same thing. I wish I could tell you how to accept,” My loved one is gone and I didn’t even get to say good-bye”. I cannot. Remember your heart is fragile and so is your soul. Try to keep loving them even if they are not aware, even if they are mean to you…try to remember the love.

 

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , ,
27 Feb 2015
2 Comments

Twice A Child IV-Acceptance

This is my current situation; I am weak, my doctor has told me I need to take even more medication and now I cannot even escape my reality for a few hours by going out unaccompanied. What would you do? That seems an easy enough dilemma, I say. However, I forgot to mention a little thing I am 81 years of age. When presented with this problem at our own individual ages, we think what we would do at the only age we truly can identify with, we exist in the now. Therefore the solution I come up with, may very well NOT be the solution needed here.

I think get yourself healthy first, that means following doctors orders, resting taking your medication. Hey but I only have one prescription to take, once a day. Additionally, I CAN come and go as I please. Maybe the unorthodox way is not completely out-of-order. Sometimes in spite of things, we as individuals do know a little something about self. There is the basic underlying fear something bad or worse could happen if these restrictions are not honored.  However, we as the helpers have to put ourselves in those elder shoes and realize how the confined feeling would affect us. “Toss caution to the wind”.. well maybe sit it outside so it can gradually pick you up and blow along slowly.

Human Beings will do amazing, unusual, desperate things in order to make themselves feel some level of comfort/self-comfort. Our aging loved ones may hold onto items or a routine that makes them feel like their situation is not changing unless they themselves let/make it change (i.e. needing to pay bills daily OR using that as an excuse to get out of  the house).

Patience,vigilance, and understanding will prove to be your double-edge-sword. Perhaps you will do daily battles with it. Words of caution, you may not always win. Now is a time when vantage points and perspective take on an entirely new meaning, and my friends our is not the only view involved here.

Posted in Order of Appearance and tagged , ,
18 Feb 2015
1 Comment

I Need God To Fix This

Having one of those mornings? Well how about”having one of those years”? Waking to the unknown of the day, feeling like throwing the covers over your head and asking the Heavens for a “do-over” long before you know what lies ahead.

Well you have been on this Earth for some 50+ years now so I imagine there have been one or two days like this during your lifespan. This middle-age thing we are experiencing daily is a trip all by-its-lonesome. I applaud those of you who proclaim you have remained steadfast and true to God. This is faith in it’s truest form; do not deceive yourself, for if it is not true your very beliefs will come back to haunt you. Having more than what I deem to be enough or my share of the challenges that make getting out of bed a task, I pondered about this place that I now occupy physically and mentally.

The realization of how every-little-thing was interconnected seemed to daunt me.  My problem solving skills were placed on screen before me. I saw the optimist, I saw conniver, I saw the escapist and I pretty-much saw them in that order. Life is cyclic and I knew that the individuals that I charged with solving my problems appeared in that order, not by chance but by choice. Choices I was making when I told myself, I had no choice.  Then the debate began between conscious and sub-conscious,  is the medication real or is it a placebo.

As the world crumbles around me, I see myself standing in the middle of the road dodging debris falling around me. Lots of near-misses. In an out-of-body way, I wonder why do I bother moving. Surely one quick hit and all of my problems will be no more. The answer is so very simple and basic. I WANT TO LIVE! I am NOT unique that is what human beings are about.

It is NOT in our nature to give up, that is why we fight so hard, for so long, for so many different things. If we had it our way the easy way would, chances are, be the only way. We have been raised in a society that strives to have it quick and simple and why is that so appealing to us? Well that is easy, so we can go on to do more things with the time we already do not have enough of/for. Yet when things don’t go our way, we revert to the childish behavior we were constantly told we have to abandon when we became adults. Sometimes our brains don’t get the memo and the blanket goes over our head, again.

However, we were born to accomplish one great thing and given plenty of time and resources to complete our task. By-the-way YOU don’t get to be the judge of what is determined great. Now beaten, now lost, now confused, where are your tools?  God has given us all we need but he has also allowed time for the distraction; the distraction to teach us the importance beauty, patience, and rest. In the midst of the storm don’t look away, look toward.

Posted in Ecumenically Speaking and tagged , ,

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