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Conflicted

How do we hope to figure out this thing called life. We exist in the present while our pasts are so fresh it seems like only yesterday when we walked across that stage.

To move forward we must not keep looking back.  Yet we cannot ignore the fact there is something back there.

In the present you wait for the perpetual “shoe to drop.” The relationship that was wonderful and unexpected happens. In the end there were only moments. The highs never could surpass the disappointments of the lows, or the stirs of reality.

As you anticipated the beautiful afternoon interludes, you now anticipate and search for a way to let them down easy. In the back of your mind you hope they will decide to just drop you, so you don’t have to be the “bad guy”. You know you can live with yourself. Secretly, you really wish it would have worked out.  Realizing the switch has been turned off, you still search for your feelings. You put it out there, you want advice and hint at this. You do however, realize you put your friends and confidants in a position of being blamed if their suggestions or comments are taken to heart and it still turns out badly.

We all search for the ultimate solution one that will make us feel good or even one that will end well. I was once told and repeatedly share, “Sometimes things have to end badly or they simply won’t end.

” Speak kindly of me, my love.” There are the fond memories and “We’ll always have Paris”

Yet, You Were Never Mine in The First Place

Destined for the sheer joy and heartbreak associated with the emotions connected with LOVE, we jump in head first, time and time again.  Many times we are rewarded with the spoils of these experiences. That which is greater than ourselves occurs. A creation that is simply the byproduct of the best we could ever muster from ourselves. In the midst of our joy, it NEVER enters our minds that we would be wise to be aware that NOTHING lasts forever. WHY would we mar our experience, our relationship, our joy with logic reality, and maybe a bit of a downer.

The crescendo,the climax, the finale is EARTHSHAKING. What an understatement. From the beginning there were not just warning signs: caution lights and sirens rang out but I proceeded as though I was unaware of them. The “universe” has a way of fixing things, the balance WILL BE restored. As human beings we think or allow ourselves to think we control situations..why not, it feels good and right. As time passes and these elements settle into place we relax and let our guard down.

I AM a thief. I stole you and retribution came-a-calling. It was NOT making any deals, it wanted back that which I had taken. It did not listen when I said that I was NOT being treacherous, it was not my intention, or fault. I did not invite, but I also did NOT turn away or send that which did NOT belong to me back. As it whisked you away I did not even have a final look. I awoke to your no longer being here with me. An empty that feels like a well that is deep and flows into subterranean caves, never to return.

You miss being loved. There is no magic potion to fix the emptiness, no serum to soothe the aching heart, nothing anesthetizes your mind. I shall for all my remaining days face the fact You were never mine in the first place.

Watermelon

Tomorrow is trash day. I have to remember to get all of the food related debris that would potentially cause odors and attract flies out of the outside freezer and place them in the actual trash for the early morning pick-up. A daunting task.. Along with that I must cut the watermelon I purchased. I decided to stop being lazy AND PAYING 3x’s the price for cut up fruit. Okay, if I am honest I came to this conclusion not of my own accord.

Being healthier is tough, we all want to be, we all need to be, yet it still presents a problem. These problems real, imaginary, or exaggerated still manage to manifest. I did not cut that melon when I bought it Monday afternoon,  for the previously mentioned reasons and then of course there was the one other that I did not.

Next month will mark a year since I became a widow. While I can never forget that fact, on a daily basis I find a way to move through this place on a somewhat “normal plane”. The unexpected reminders will forever “throw-me-for-a-loop”. That watermelon..We would shop for groceries…one of the two types of stores(hardware being the other) I did not care to go to. Monday evening I took a deep breath and approached the melons, after I HAD gone to the refrigerated section in produce and looked at the cut up fruits. The display boasted two bins filled with the  “round-ish” green striped fruits.  I thought of all the “techniques” I heard over the years, thumps this way, look for this type mark ,sniff.. wait in a COVID19 world sniffing is virtually impossible and frowned upon at the very least.  I hastily looked them over, decided on one and took it home.

Later that night it came to me in a semi-dream state..My husband’s hands. He would painstakingly organize the fridge in HIS domain, and I cared NOT. Though I am a very capable and, in the opinion of some, a rather good cook. I just do not enjoy it as a couple of my sister/friends do. After enduring a grocery trip I would be free to escape the putting away of the food because again, this was my husband’s domain. However, I did enjoy food prep. I was his tester, be it something he had cooked or the fruit he  prepared/sliced up for the family. Mangoes and melons; the fragrance always resonated through the house. I can smell them even now. I  still can see him in the kitchen cutting them up and calling me to taste a perfectly sweet fruit. He always said he knew exactly what he was doing when it came to picking out fruits.  When I cut open that melon today the aroma took me back to one of those many random nights, I saw him cut a piece of melon, offer it to me, and place it in my mouth. I recall his hands; from the fingernails to his wrists, the hairs on them, the color of his skin, the touch/his touch.  The only thing I did slightly familiar was pick out a melon and experience the aroma. It was not even a very good one.

No Human’s Land

Not a lot to do these days. I search for a safe place to gather my thoughts and try to put them out. I decided to mask up and go to a local mall, because friends and associates had reported the malls were virtually vacant. I am not a daredevil therefore felt relatively safe especially with not many others around.

Armed with my mask, travel sized Clorox wipes and hand sanitizer spritz and gel, I ventured out. The parking structure was pretty barren, but there were signs of life. It was 1 p.m on a Friday, yet it looked like a Sunday morning before the theaters had opened.

I started walking, the first thing I noticed were the arrows on the floor showing folks what directions to walk in. Many were disregarding them. I did not and when people going the wrong way approached or got near me I went out of my way to avoid them. I tried to be subtly obvious with my actions too. As I am an older lady, I try NOT to be confrontational, but I still possess the ability to be a bit of a “Missouri Mule”. I cannot help that, I was born there.

Every store had signs displaying the use of masks was required, in spite of the fact the Governor of this state has NOT mandated masks be used but requested the cooperation of the residents. IDIOT; sometimes you have to exert yourself and show you are in charge. ASKING people to do the right thing when they are “hell-bent” on doing what they want is NOT a good game–plan. However, looking at this guy’s career and election tells a story of his character. Back to the mall..I made my way to the food court; there were loads of vacant tables, I settled one row in and about three tables away from anyone. I  wiped everything down and sat. I took out my journal and a began writing, and noting what I was observing. A small group of KARENS sat at the table right next to me, I turned my back to them and sprayed my anti-bacterial spray about like  it was an air freshener. Plenty of tables, but they decided to stop at the one closest to me. I know I am being mean, for if they were true KARENS they would have called the police and claimed I assaulted them with my spritz.

The overall atmosphere was annoying to me. People are NOT nice to one another, they aren’t even trying. At best we are indifferent to one another. Looking suspiciously like we are saying”Do you have IT, why aren’t YOU wearing a mask?” We now can have these contemptible feeling and looks upon our faces and no one know, yet it shows in our behavior. We rapidly move to the place where indifference is KING. We were not connecting before COVID19; texts instead of calls,video calls instead of live in-person meetings…

After a little over an hour I left, my focus was not on anything positive or productive. Going home I could at least control my environment and NOT have people in my space disrespecting the rules and protocol for these times.

As a girl and in my youth, I remember people changing, becoming kinder around Christmas. Smiling at one another, greeting strangers, giving way to some random individual for no apparent reason. We were just nice just to be NICE! Always a welcomed change. However, in recent years this feeling and change became less and less obvious. I fear that the nasty suspicious attitudes will now become our constant, the new-normal. A very sad narrative for a race of people, the human race, to have to contend with.

Making Eye-Contact

Today as I walked through my grocery store ( my  new recreational sport) I studied the masks of folks. I purchased one with rhinestones and it is getting a LOT of attention. Honestly, I do not care about the attention. I bought it because I AM going to wear a mask in public for a long time( my opinion), so it may as well be aesthetically pleasing if only to me.

Masks are a new fashion statement. What started out as a mandatory piece for health/life’s sake has slowly evolved into our culture in another way. The brands are offering their individual logos, there is a mask for every personality. We had better get on board. Be safe and look good!

However, what is now missing is an essential part of our lives, full faces. Who is hiding behind the pieces of cloth or paper? We are anonymous. That is very sad. We were already heading in the direction of being social misfits, but this is hurling us at top speed to that  unfortunate destination.

I have chosen to go in another direction, my masks need to be bright, attention grabbers and full of personality. I find my face is tight from exaggerating smiles, smiles that no one can see. I feel ridiculous as I become aware of how big my smile is under the mask, and furthermore that no one can see that smile. They/ we can however see eyes; our eyes, the windows of our souls. What do our souls now say to the strangers we see in the stores or on the streets in many cases.

The brows and the actual eyes are the only areas we have to show expression.  One now has to make use of our limited resources. In silence or with muffled/ distorted sounds we have to greet, question, challenge, and flirt. Talk about mixed messages. The emoji industry will probably birth a new set of expressions that we can use as a guideline. For now though ladies get out your mascara, liner, shadow and GoForIt! Guys, you all are stuck, use your imaginations. I guess we had all better practice our “smeyezing“(smiling with ones eyes).

When The Toilet Paper Returns To The Store Shelves

The song, When The Swallow Come Back To Capistrano came to mind in the most ironic way.

There I was masked and armed with my “hanitizer” as it has been dubbed by many little ones, I observed the phenomenon. Following the one way arrows I caught a glimpse of what is seemingly unheard of…The paper aisle stocked with toilet paper and paper towels. What was even more astounding is this occurred in the late afternoon AND there were not people fighting their way over to this said aisle to “stock-up”. I walked around the store for a bit, I did not see every cart with one paper product or another inside of them. I casually went down the aisle; looking, lingering, expecting any-moment-now the other shoppers in the store would rush the aisle and I would have a somewhat advantage because I was already there. Still nothing.

Could I fool myself into believing an end is in sight? Did I dare think, “Alas, we have come through the storm and prevailed..” No, don’t be naive. In that same store many people walked around without masks, walked down aisles clearly directing them to go the other way. Seemingly existing as if Covid19 had never happened as the put themselves as well as others in danger because they do not want to follow the rules and guideline, because they don’t think this threat is real, because it is uncomfortable or troublesome. They ignore the fact the number of cases is on the rise in many places. Too bad the folks that play Russian Roulette with this situation aren’t the ones who would SOLELY be affected. When you bother to follow the rules as I do, bother to protect myself as well as others from a health risk, I feel it is reasonable to feel the way I just expressed.

Listen, no one wants this to end any faster than I. However, I would rather error on the side of caution, than to be a daredevil and buck-up against rules, regulations and NATURE. For now if you need a slice of normal,  go visit your local store and be in awe of the return of that which was taken for granted, not-so-long-ago. Toilet paper back on the shelves and people seemingly unmoved by that fact.