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Endlessly Alone

If you have ever been put in a corner as a child, confined to a small place like an elevator, or even stuck in traffic  you may understand a little bit of how a person with dementia feels. In a place you don’t want to be in, wanting nothing more than to get out, realizing there are others around you, but no one can give you the assistance you really need.

What of the caregiver; the one left to manage things on a daily basis and the one who sees things at their worse. Much like a person drowning; they will pull down the very one who is attempting to save them. How does that person feel? Outsiders have many answers, but truly no solutions. Now you have two isolated souls and all others can do is sit by and watch.

Then there are the others..the outsiders, for everyone NOT living within the realm of the four walls your experience is limited. I dare say in many delicate situations and conversations you will be made aware of this. Sometimes it will be painful. However, it APPEARS you have to most freedom of all concerned in this, but things aren’t always as they appear.

If it would do any good I’d say to the dementia patient try to understand people close to you are only trying to help you. They hear and they see. Your disease denies and distorts what is needed now, comprehension.

If it would do any good I’d say to the caregiver I’d say be patient. If you cannot be patient get out, if you cannot get out it goes back to be patient. YOU have to understand more than anyone else, this situation is NOT going to get better.

If it would do any good I’d say to  the outsiders every single thing you do is appreciated and don’t go away because you are needed..DESPERATELY even when it doesn’t seem so.

To all involved; this is NO ONES fault, it is life and life is what it is.

Set Up For Failure

Okay here you are all prepared to help your loved one, your buddy, your confidant. You were told what was needed exactly and were prepared to do your part. You show up with your lawn mower and edger, you are dressed in gear fit to be outdoors. When your pal answers the door in a  robe, hair wrapped up in a towel, and hands you a pair of tweezers you are perplexed to say the least. Your friend does not even acknowledge your condition or equipment; moving about as though you are clearly mixed up, but the job that needed to be done still needs doing. At what point do you say,” I thought we were working outside?” My immediate response is,” The moment the door was open and my friend wasn’t dressed”, but think about this scenario for a moment and realize there had to be some miscommunication on some level for this to happen. This of course is a metaphoric reference to something real. People and their problems.

As we move through life we find ourselves becoming more and more aware that we are just sounding boards. People close to us are in crisis at times, they want help, they think they know what they want to do, but they realize they cannot do it alone. Enter YOU. You want to be there, you have been called upon to help. As time goes on and the situation appears to be heading in a specific direction, you let it be known you are there to help. Okay so a suggestion or two is ignored one or two times and the same problem still exists. However, one day this situation becomes critical a move must be made; you show up and find that this very same critical situation, while requiring attention is not in need of the attention you THOUGHT you were prepared to give, and you become painfully aware of this. What do you do?

Throwing your hands in the air and walking away is an excellent idea, but you know you cannot just walk away. Believe me when I tell you it may be the best you can do for YOU. Remember you got to this place, because you were allowed to get there by this person close to you. Even if you did not know you were NOT coming up with the right solutions, they did. That is why the ideas and suggestions were ignored. I come to you with this experience behind me. I say preserve yourself. We look at alcoholics and drug addicts and we can understand concepts of enabling. However, we must realize enabling is NOT limited to substance or any other kind of abuse.

Pay attention to the signs, read the fine print, and proceed with caution. Your heart, finances, and peace of mind could be on the line.