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Is This Love Or Want?

Trying to make a decision about this has been taxing my mind for awhile.

I remember the first day we met like it was yesterday, the smiles were permanently etched in my mind.

How could we ever know that decades later we would still have this personal intimate connection without being openly involved.

Seemingly we kept missing one another and in the midst of these “misses”, other people and relationships entered into our respective lives. Religious folks speak of “road blocks” appearing to spare one a more disastrous occurrence. So many unspoken words, so many missed opportunities. Yet we still remained in one another’s lives.

How many times have I imagined MY version of the “happy ending”. I see myself in the kitchen looking outside as I wash dishes. I see you coming up behind me, kissing me on the neck. The thought makes me smile. We are far passed the romantic notions of young, fit, beautiful adults, but sometimes when I look into your eyes, read your messages, hear you say certain words, it is easy for me to convince myself this is right, this IS meant to be.

As I catch these glimpses of reality, I ask myself, “What does HE see when he looks at me? I am NOT pleased at self most of the time so what can I hope to project?” I quickly dismiss those thoughts. I ONLY want HIM to want me…virtually nothing else matters. I fill the time we are apart or at odds, with others who can only buy me a meal or share a phone conversation. For HE is the standard that MUST be met.

My time with him is gratifying but it has not been sweet and/or endearing for a long time now. This is why the questions arise. How can I love a man who is NOT loving to me? Am I grabbing for the love or is it the “win”. is this the feeling of “want”? I will not feel more for him than he feels for me. As I live with the belief that if the situation that keeps us apart were different, he STILL would not choose me. So I say, ” I will NOT feel more for him than he feels for me.” I simply MUST believe that, and yet I know nothing could be farther from the truth.

Ah…The Dreams

When my husband decided that our youngest son should be/would be an attorney, I questioned it. I was happy because I love law and would have been thrilled IF HE decided HE wanted to be an attorney, and not simply going along with the desires of his father. However, that was not the case. As a young adult who had his own mind and intentions, he also respected his father and did NOT want to disappoint him so in early stages of higher education he allowed his father to chase HIS dream vicariously. I watched our son do things and pursue things that did not go along with someone who was interested in the legal profession on any level. He was artistic and showed interests in that area. Finally, he grew confident enough in his choices and revealed them to his dad, who accepted his decisions. Not only was our son pleasantly surprised, so was I.

Fast forward, my granddaughter the “Ninja Ballerina” not trying to sound like a typical “stage mom” she is a very talented child even gifted. She unlike her proud Abuela takes her accomplishments in stride. However, hard as I try, I still find myself imagining her as a Prima Ballerina/TaeKwonDo Grand Master IN ADDITION to whatever other career SHE chooses..Magnanimous of me right? Remember SHE takes her accomplishments in stride. I reluctantly had to come to grips with her nearly falling asleep at performances of Alvin Ailey or The Nutcracker..I tried so hard to ignore these signs. As she enjoyed being a Black Belt and now charged with instructing the lower level students, she seemed wary and impatient that they did NOT instantly progress as she thought they should. Maybe it is inexperience, maybe it is immaturity, maybe she just does not want to do either of these two things I helped direct and expose her to… So now I also had to face perhaps I was doing a bit of vicarious living, as my late husband did with our late son.

I, now alone, NEED dreams. Although, I do not dream; at least to the point where I can remember them. So what is a dream? What is it to dream and how do you feel when you lose the ability to have these very valuable tools of our very special brains?

Dreamers, they are the artists and architects of the beauty of our world in many, many ways. While we all may NOT possess the ability to affect our environment at the level they do, we do have an affect. When we lose that gift of dreaming our value, our purpose begins to move away from our very grasp. Those dreams, those subconscious images that invade our spaces while we are helplessly sleeping, are images of desires and hope we have in our conscious state. Sometimes it is easy to dismiss these very dreams because it has been said, “if you can dream it, it can be done” implying the dream is less important than the final product. Thus the explanation of how folks sometimes grow weary of a dreamer, because the thought pattern is… stop dreamin and start doin. Is the dream stage is a waste of time? No it is not.

Consider this, losing the ability of dreaming is a crippling event. I read of a conquering army explaining why they killed their enslaved and former enemies children. The statement was “You kill their children or when you kill their children you kill their dreams”. In short saying the conquerors were giving them no need, desire, or ability to make any moves on their own. They are now only “shells” that basically become tools which can be manipulated and used until they are no more. I understand and can relate to that thinking because of my loss of my child.. the challenges and phases are many but when you are in the dark places it is when you feel that overwhelming loss ; loss of presence, loss of hope… loss of the dreams.

We do not control dreams but as I have come to know we can resist and fight sleep, it is just as possible for us to fight the ability to dream. That I say relax, go to sleep and allow yourself to dream. Dreaming is good for us, if it only provides us with a short organic escape from our reality.

Precious

Things seemed to be going along rather well, so it seemed. They were dating regularly. He was calling to check on her. Most importantly the compatibility factor had advanced to the point of them being intimate. Finally, a happy place.

However, in the weeks to follow she found little indicators around his place. They were NOT in plain sight but they were NOT buried either. Feeling a bit hurt and a bit confrontational she asked him about the items. At first there was a denial, but that soon gave way to an explanation that was not what one wants to hear. The owner of the items was a woman/ a lady that he could not get out of his system. Furthermore, he did NOT want to get her out. Precious. For one reason or another they could not be together. The exact reason remained an enigma. He did make it clear that as long as there was breath in his body, if she came around/into town he had room in his house, his bed, his heart for her.. Wow.. what a revelation. How does one take such information in?

In his life for so many years, through the trials of life they have danced with and around one another. Once again there is availability but there is a complicated clause. Standing between the possibility of them being a couple is another individual. An innocent, unaware of the entry into a semi-occupied zone, but there just the same. His Precious begins to move to close and he has to move away, push her away…gently because he does NOT want her to walk away forever. he needs time to re-group and re-assess. Then, and only then, the dance can continue. How long will he be able to keep this up and how long will she knowingly participate?

Relegated to the ranks of “fantasy lover” these mysterious, elusive creatures grace mere mortals with their presence periodically. They always are desired because they cannot/will not be had; do they enjoy the spots they occupy or do they long to be in the place where their beloved wants them to be. Do they even know they exist in these special places? Do their beloved really know what they want? Perhaps they simply are so very wanted because they cannot be attained.

Peeling back the layers, we can see the barricades are both real and imagined. Maybe it is not easy but the chance has to be taken, someone has to take the calculated risk. The other solution is what it has been and will continue to be.. the undefined, the stolen moments, the part-time relationships that begin and end in secrecy.

The Nice Guys

It is said they finish last. However, what would we be left with if not for them? In reality they are few and far between, but they are out there. True gentlemen, some are soft spoken, often time many are humble in demeanor, he tends to go unnoticed. NOT what will generally catch your eye or should I say who will catch your eye.

Flip–the–script..If you look around, it will not take long to spot him. He may or may not be rather loud, but he will get your attention. He may not be that handsome but you will not know it, you will be drawn to him. You ask why…well you clearly like trouble. You are NOT alone; there is something exciting and intriguing about the guy that trouble seems to follow, especially when he does not run from or even try to avoid that same trouble.

Everything about these polar opposites is exuded in their every move. While our perpetual “bad boy” walks into a room and scans it for opportunity, the “nice guy” tries to enter that same room virtually unnoticed. Their respective eye contact introduces and announces them. The “nice guy” will give a sweet inviting greeting while our “bad boy” will give off an almost dare to you as well as an approach. The one thing they share, the one thing they have in common, is that ALL they both do is deliberate.

Whether we are aware of it or not, we strive to find one who possesses characteristics like honesty, loyalty, reliability. Yet why are some drawn to the” bad boy” who offers virtually none of those things. I can only offer my personal observations and experiences. He is exciting, unpredictable and he makes your heart race. From the perspective of a “roller coaster enthusiast” this works. One simply has to realize on the flip side those same characteristics are a lot less attractive when it is time to pay bills. Then we re-evaluate and have to admit the Nice Guy may have been the option we should have selected after all.