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Archive for the tag “communication”

Wishful Thinking

Played like a beautiful piece of music, or should I say like the beautiful music I sent to him. Just because I could or I simply could NOT make up my mind what I wanted to do with him/us.

This was not done with malice, though it could be considered self-serving. On those summer evenings, while we were miles apart we’d talk for hours. At first it was the meeting of the minds, familiar quotes of Shakesphere or Socrates. We soon moved from one type of art to another. I am reminded of a scene in Tombstone where Doc Holiday calls out an outlaw as he played Nocturne 19 by Chopin. What may have seemed like a part of a dating ritual, without being considered dating was a carefully thought out plan, a plan meant to captivate and control. Before long he would be in love AND he would think it was ALL his idea. The truth be told a man chases a woman, until she catches him.

What do you tell your people about me? Your people, your family that is close enough to know your secrets… Your friends… the ones close enough to know your flaws along with your wants and desires. When you have a free moment or when you make moments free and I cross your mind, what do you tell yourself.

I take your calls, does that mean no one else is calling?

Then there is the trust factor. It takes time and exposure for trust to take hold, if we are being logical. In this case we possessed neither. Yet, you trusted me anyway. I know your secrets, hopes, and desires. You needed someone to share them with and I was but a click away.

It may not seem like it now, but you were lucky. You still had presence of mind in spite of what you thought you were feeling. When I played my “trump card” you withdrew. It was like someone gave you smelling salts, or you just came out from under the ether. As hard as it may seem now, it is far better that it ended before I totally took over. Perhaps that was part of your thought process, when it came time to let go… something inside of you said, ” Wait a minute, hold on.”

Now you are left with nothing that resembles what you thought you had, what I tried to convince you was real…but you are whole. That is something you likely would not have been, had you let me complete my cycle. You now have time to relive and go over the mistakes and miscues. That is all you have time for, because you have to get back out there and continue your search. The right one is waiting for you, looking for YOU to arrive.

We all make concessions in our quest for the right one. How many, how extensive, those concessions are depends on how much finding the individual means to you.

I’m So Empty I Could Burst

It occurred to me a few nights ago. As the holiday rapidly approaches, those who are happy only get happier. The others, the ones like me, vacillate between hoping it will come and go versus it not coming. This challenge is one I prepare for in recent times but never have been able to get it quite right, at least NOT to my satisfaction.

As someone who has lived through decades of holidays, one’s memory carries one through. Traveling back and forth through the milestones, only stopping at the ones that bring about the sense of being overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with happy, overwhelmed with anticipation, overwhelmed with sorrow. The others fly by like pages of an open book on a windy day. Yet you need something, you need to feel some little thing.

It seems possible to recreate the good, we will fix that same favorite meal, we will play those old familiar songs and we will give way to the memories that brought us this immense joy then with hopes we can sample that same joy today.

Reliving the sorrow is seemingly an effortless act, you simply need to BE. That moment when it happened, the pain in your heart, and of course what the source of this unhappiness was. Ideally you want to come away from this place, but it is NOT so easy. There is a mark on your heart, and it is NOT fading.

Numb and lifeless, but startled back into the now you go along, you perform as though everything IS alright. No one around seems to be the wiser, but in actuality they are choosing to believe you are strong, strong enough to withstand all. You play your role; because they like you, need to be able see that which they believe. There you sit in a room full of others, but you are isolated and no one even notices.

These empty feelings, this sense of being alone, give you a vastness that overtakes your soul. The emptiness is like air in a balloon as it fills up, becoming tighter until it can take no more and then it bursts.

Yesterday I Needed A Hug

Yesterday I needed a hug. I was feeling a bit blue. I was not extraordinarily sad, but I needed to feel like someone cared about me. Me in all my weirdness, my idiosyncrasies coupled with my kindnesses and goods…I just needed some simple basic love. That love had to come from someone that did not have any ulterior motives. Where do you get that kind of love, love that is unconditional… family. In my case, in my state at that time my son came to mind. He was close and I could go see him give him a hug and go on. So I called him because he was at work, I was on my way to the gym which is minutes from his job, I said to myself proudly,” He’s the boss he probably can take a minute out to see and hug his mom.” I was going to tell him, “I want to stop by to see you for a sec.” and when I did see him just hug him and send him on his way. Like I used to when he was a boy… I called and there was no answer, it went to voicemail. I called a second time so he would see I called more than once and get back to me. I sat in the car for a few minutes to give him a chance to get back to me but he did not. I decided to go inside and do my workout.

I completed the workout and was in the massage chair. Now there is a television monitor in the room, but you have to plug in to hear. They do have closed captioning for some programs but not all. This particular infomercial was about a mountain and trail runner. I generally do not watch most of these, some are more interesting to me than others. I find myself drawn to surfer and surfing more so. However, when this came on I saw the name/word “Jaybird“. That caught my attention! I smiled a half smile and decided to watch. I wanted to know what “Jaybird” was/was about. Now because my baby boy’s name is Jay and we all called him Jaybird, there was a sense of irony to me. Jay was an athlete, he was a runner and hit the gym daily many times twice a day. I could not help thinking,” Why here, why now, why “Jaybird”? It was a very interesting and colorful piece. The subject was a female and many scenes had me in awe of her.

As I walked to my car, I felt the urge to talk to Jay, so I did. I spoke aloud to him, I felt him answer, while I also told myself, ” You are actually giving these answers”. I am not psychic, my connections to people who have transitioned to the other side are minimal at best. As I felt these responses from Jay, I could not help feeling the skeptic in me arise. I allowed my soul to be soothed by the thought/idea anyway. I then drove by my eldest son’s job. I did not see his car in his parking space. It was lunchtime so I figured well I tried, no harm, no foul.

A couple hours later my eldest did call me. He apologized for not being able to take my call, but he was out of town in a meeting with a client… I told him it was no big deal. I will tell him what I actually wanted, and I will tell him about the events that surrounded that call. I did not share that with him on the call because I did not want him to feel bad. My sons are very good, sensitive, and protective of their mom. That transcends time, space, and obviously this planet as well. What I felt I needed and what I got came from where I did not expect, but I am so very grateful for the hug that came from heaven. Thank you, Lord.

Redefined

Things aren’t like they used to be. No surprises in that statement but making that statement and NOT truly recognizing what is being said sets one up for a bit of confusion. At one time or another one may find themselves in what used to be a familiar situation, and although one might be compelled into thinking the same strategy, plan, method would still work, you must resist that train of thought. Instead, you must embrace the idea that change has likely taken place and you must approach from a different angle.

It was an innocent looking encounter, if you were not paying attention. When we are in close proximity to one another and couple that with the fact human beings are social, there is nothing extraordinary about a chance meeting on a bench. What isn’t so innocent is when one gets too close too quickly. Everyone is not easy to get to know. One must be mindful of this, or one could “scare” the other individual away. I am a people watcher just by nature and I was given a unique opportunity to see the failed attempt to become familiar unfold. I was not privy to the conversation itself; I saw body language and facial expression. I do not believe anything inappropriate was said or done. I summed the entire episode up as one individual simply not wanting to be bothered. In this situation as the other person persisted it then became more personal and now took on the tone of, she was NOT interested in talking to this man specifically. Sometimes you have to know when to stop, sometimes you have to know when to simply move on. Cut your losses, live to fight another day…but it was clear this fellow was applying methods that worked a long time ago. He was lucky, from my vantage point, that he did not get an old-fashioned slap. The fatal blow to what was left of his ego. Yet, I do believe because his intended target was not flat out mean, he will try again.

Don’t get me wrong here, there is something to be said for persistence. The only thing I can say is the desired effect was NOT achieved. How much time do you invest in the tried and true? When do you come to grips with this is not working…? Some goals are unattainable, we must learn that “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” does NOT have to be our mantra. Instead shoot for, “I’ll try something new”. Hit the gym, don’t cut your long hair, take that painting class…. Our advancing years do not always indicate we are increasingly limited. Make this your venture into becoming…REDEFINED

Misuses and Manipulations

Here we go again. Someone opens their mouth or writes an opinion piece or gets cause saying something that can come back and bite them in the butt. When and where does that happen you may naively ask? You needn’t look far. In our society one that vacillates from 1st Amendment rights to sticking the perpetual foot in one’s mouth it has become the flavor of the day. Yet at the heart of it all we find the real victim, WORDS.

Just because you went to school and successfully completed an English class or two does NOT mean you know how to use words, let alone use them wisely. We have been reduced to creatures that would rather text than talk. Ever hear, “If you don’t use it, you will lose it”. Well folks many have done just that..LOST IT!

Proclaiming the right to say what they please because the U.S. Bill of Rights grant them this freedom. I venture to say if presented that way many of these same folks would scratch their heads in confusion because “they” were speaking of the Constitution. YIKES!!!. This is a pondering research point in case you missed it.

Listen, just because you can does NOT mean you should. Joe Rogan, case in point. I do not follow this guy; prior to his apology for using racial slurs more than once on HIS PODCASTS, he was insignificant to me. I did bother to look him up and found where his fame came from. Still not impressed or moved by his idiocy (my opinion). I have to point out what is taking up considerable time; our ability to take whatever we are fed by media, celebrity, hearsay and then running with it. Please read this whole blog before you tear it, me, my opinion to shreds.

Political views, lack of concern for our fellow human beings, headline grabbing, and greed now shapes the way we see one another more than ever. What’s more we are rapidly losing our ability to physically speak/ talk to one another. I’ll just send a text is a way of life. Therefore, you have a society of people who don’t know what they are talking about, saying things they do not understand and NOT caring who they offend or hurt in the process. There is no room for tact, decorum, or facts in this society thus we are all becoming victims and causalities of this behavior. A great place to hide is in the phrase and one time rule of thumb Absence Of Malice. However, who needs that anymore? Just say anything. (sarcasm)

Take this from me, from this piece. I do not think anyone has the right to use a racial slur. I do believe many more than ones caught on tape (so to speak) do. I do believe in the freedoms granted by the 1st amendment, but I also believe it is misused, manipulated and left up to the interpretation of whomever has a stake in the game at any given moment. We as humans are all capable of making honest mistakes, we are also all capable of learning from them. If I do something or say something wrong allow me to make an effort to make it right. However, if I do this wrong thing in a blatant public fashion, take for granted I knew what I was doing and expect me to accept the consequences. I have no doubt Joe Rogan is sorry, I just question how and what he is actually sorry for. To the folks who do not think an apology is enough then figure out what is acceptable and then be willing to be the recipient of that SAME fate if you are ever caught doing the same/similar. Idealistic… perhaps but then this is ONLY my humble opinion.

Still Explaining Himself

Okay, our President was in Britain this past week.The Mayor of London, THE MAYOR remember this, criticized OUR President for something he is so obviously ill equipped to address, beyond personal opinion. Britain’s possible departure from The            European Union. This “mayor” suggested that President Obama should not be urging Britain to stay in the EU because (and I am paraphrasing here people) he removed a bust from The Oval Office. Wow. That makes perfect sense for a “National Enquirer, tabloid style remark. He went on to suggest The President being part Kenyan makes his dislike for Britain clear. Our President once again demonstrated why He is The President and the likes of Mayor Boris Johnson is NOT!  Take time to view The Presidents remarks regarding the Churchill bust.Winston Churchill’s very own grandson stated Boris’ remarks were inappropriate.   Once again racism knows no bounds. When challenged or even if it is just a simple opportunity to TRY to be relevant the small minds of racist jump at a chance to be seen. Too bad “The London Fog” could not mask it’s mayor’s  narrow mindedness and stupidity.

Short Time and Small Talk

When you are blessed with a  true friend, you’d better recognize what a treasure you have. Not trying to fill this blog with metaphors, but they are sometimes just appropriate. It had been a bit since we just had a simple conversation; not about the tragedies or disasters going on in each of our lives, no talk of turmoil at work. We have gotten to a point where we expect to leave a message rather than talk to one another and when we do hear a voice that is the first  thing we say,” I didn’t expect you to pick up.” Just another example of how life passes you by so rapidly and you look around and you wonder where time has gone.

It was good talking to my friend, it was good  just hearing her voice. When we hung up it felt a sigh of relief and my mind traveled back to another time, but I was still able to realize where I was/ we were and how very far we have come. I also was able to come to terms with the fact if you don’t make time to visit your happy places, you can easily forget where they are or that they even exist.

And When I tell you I DO NOT UNDERSTAND…

That is EXACTLY what I mean. I was watching a video of great dance routines. These routines included tap dances of yesterday, they were men and women, they were you and old, they were black, brown, and white. All you could do was to be in awe of and admire the artistry.

Then the wheels in my brain started turning.. we can dance together, we can sing together, we can perform and admire one another’s accomplishments without a second thought. I thought about great athletes working and playing together without regard to anything but that athleticism. The summation was as such; We can sing, dance, work,  play, laugh and cry but we cannot live together because we are FAR too “different”. I am not naive by any stretch, but I need help here. I don’t know about anyone else, but I work so that I can have more time to do there very things we as a national community seemingly have no problem doing together. Yet place us on the same block, city, zip code and things get complicated?

I ask myself as I read posts from”friends” of people I love and care about write about how awful the GOVERNMENT is but these same folks are former military people who joined to get benefits granted to them by our same GOVERNMENT. The same camouflage wearing, gun toting, flag waving individuals demanding their monthly benefits. I wonder how someone I love and care about can have such detestable folks in their lives..they are so very”different”. RIGHT.

I watched a young Muslim woman on the news last night, she was a representative of a group called C.A.I.R. (look it up). It made me sad to see her and several other representatives on a world wide network try to make people understand that everyone who is a Muslim does NOT condone the behavior of one or two or even two hundred radicals. They felt the need to explain to America and the world amidst this  latest tragedy that cost 14 people their lives, they are united with the mourners and pray for justice.

I think of the lives lost in the past year due to”questionable”police officers, policies and plain old citizens. Black Americans, who many want to believe somehow brought all of this carnage upon ourselves. I hear the voices echoing,” If they” would stop dressing like that, or talking like that, to listening to that music, or running away from police…” No every person of color is not a criminal, no every police officer is not bad, no every plain old citizen is not looking to target practice on young black males, but why should we hide from and ignore these facts when something tragic happens.

Are we really that shallow minded? Do we really take a visual and run with it?  Of course we do. That is what makes me sad.

The truth is all of us, on one level or another, looks for rhyme or reason for things which happen around us or to us. Sometimes those much needed explanations take on the deformed look of blame. We look to blame because we are damaged, hurt, and live in fear! There is nothing wrong with being afraid, as long as you do not allow fear to define your entire being. Sometimes the fear you house is a lack of understanding. Face your fear; as difficult as it may be, stare it in the face. You may find some understanding, thus discovering that thing you dislike so much, did in fact come from lack of knowledge. Once that is taken care of you will eliminate the need to randomly hate. For  America, while we are busy fighting among “ourselves”, perhaps “our” real enemy is out there waiting for the turmoil to reach a boiling point; at that point when we are at our most divided and weak point “they” will have the ideal circumstance, the perfect time to strike. How’s your fear factor doing now?

The Best Way You Can

“I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough..” Have you ever felt like this? Have you ever felt this way towards someone. I will not allow myself to visit a place that will confirm I have felt the latter. I know the truth.  Besides it is much easier to live with yourself if you can say you are the tragic one.

I want to speak from the perspective of an individual who realized someone gave their best. What I had to come to grips with was that this individual gave it a “scouts-try”, in spite of me never giving credit for that try, that effort. I was too busy pointing fingers and giving examples of what “I” thought should happen. At the oddest moment things became clear to me, as though I was emerging from a fog.

We all have different talents and skill levels, sometimes we get caught up in what our opinions and perspectives are, we forget that there are other factors involved. In the midst of your self-absorbed righteousness perhaps a pause will allow you to observe something you my have discounted and/or overlooked. Then you will begin to be able to see that which you claim no one else can understand; that someone else does matter, someone else does count.

Therefore when you do your best, even if your best may not appear to be good enough, nothing can be more rewarding then knowing this in your heart, and in reality you are one-up on a whole lot of people who don’t even give a half try.

Do You Have A Safe Place For A Secret

We think we keep these secret feelings and thoughts hidden. Tread lightly on these beliefs; the way you feel often is all over your face and you are thinking,”No one has any idea how I feel”.  I have found out on more than one occasion, my acting skills are limited. I think I make an honest effort to conceal contempt I have for certain individuals, but I know that my efforts aren’t always enough. Then I start questioning the sincerity of the effort. How hard do we really work at keeping things hidden?

Truth is difficult at times but just examine the complexities of what you believe started out as a “little-white-lie”. I do not believe we are being honest with ourselves when we pack things away so no one else can see them.

I visited this thought in relation to the animal kingdom. Dogs sometimes bury their bones, this happened more frequently when  our animals stayed outside; now they do like we do, if it is a toy they care a great deal about it is with them constantly, or put away in a closet, under a bed, etc. Your pet puts his “favorite” away for safe keeping so no one else can have it, yet when he feel the need for it, he goes and gets it from the hiding place and flaunts it right in front of you. One might say this is mimicked behavior and that is a possibility. One more example I will offer is the squirrel. I watched one in my yard running around and darting about one afternoon, it was strange because there was a large orange tabby laying in the bushes waiting for an opportunity.. After a bit he came up with an acorn. The little guy had hidden it away and was scrounging about trying to find it. He had no idea when he tucked it away for safe keeping he would be putting his life in danger when he went back. Rather symbolic here.

I submit to you that our secrets are sometimes little badges of honor, we keep them around to pull out at random times to relive something we no longer are privy to. This is defying their very existence, for a secret is something you keep hidden. What about it though, do you have letters, picture, notes, or emails hidden away? Is there a lock on your phone or a box somewhere, so certain information cannot be accessed by “anyone”.  Listen if you are not tech savvy you are fooling only one person, and as for the other aspect what happens if one of those items falls out of it’s secret hiding place?

Do we entertain consequence when we place these things in an out of the way location? What if we forget it like the little squirrel or chose to bring it out for attention or to tease like the dog?  How safe is your secret now?Does such a place exist anywhere? When do we begin to feel the need to hide things and to whose benefit is this practice? What is it that you are hiding in your secret place, and is it really safe?

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