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Archive for the category “VILOMAH”

Splintered, Fractured, and Shattered

As I finished my cardio workout at the gym this morning, I felt it happening. It comes from nowhere, out-of-the-blue. My eyes are drawn downward, then the tightness is felt in my chest, then finally the water begins to well up in my eyes. Though the years have passed the feeling, the hurt, the pain returns with the intensity and velocity they had the moment it happened. I tried to look upward so the tears would not fall. I inhaled and exhaled deeply, not uncommon while one is working out so it could go unnoticed, but you must understand when the grief overtakes me, I really don’t care who sees me. This thing that was happening was the result of me trying to fight it off, my attempt to keep the sadness at bay.

I moved to the next machine and the thoughts started happening. “You know you are never gonna be whole again”, the voice said to me. YES, I know this consciously. I counted out my sets but there it was, ” You have lost every close familial relationship one can have. Father, mother, child, sibling, spouse and 4 of those 5 took place inside of 3 years. How crazy are you?” I have to realize what an effort it is most days to simply remain upright. I was ready to just stop my workout. I saw myself walking out of the gym, getting into my car, and staring out into oblivion before I collapsed into and puddle. I could picture the mess that I am, I could hear that primal scream. It all seemed too real but yet I was still in the gym, still at the triceps’ machine. I also still exist in the place where all of the afore mentioned loss has occurred. I still want to escape the reality of that. I continue my work out, and do in fact manage to finish it without losing control.

As I get into my car and prepare to leave, I realize how very broken I am and furthermore how I will never be the whole individual I once was ever again. I liken myself to a car without its engine, brakes, powertrain and even the steering wheel. At first glance it can be recognized as a car, but upon close examination you soon discover it is missing parts. It is not beyond repair, it can run again, it is in need of some very vital parts. Without those parts it will simply sit in a stationary position and deteriorate. Unlike the car what is missing from me cannot ever be replaced; substitutions and distractions are the best that can be hoped for from my splintered, fractured, and shattered existence. There are still good things left as with the metaphor (the car) you just have to realize that even put back into running condition it is/I am forever changed, and I shall always be aware of that which I used to be/that which I have lost.

Dying Would Have Been Easy

Another day, another reminder that I have lost a child. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t need reminders, but that does not stop them. Actual or imagined sought after of spontaneous…they happen. Denying them will not make them go away either.

AS I take you to the place that never leaves me, I see the doctors’ faces. I see the chaplain and the social worker. I knew this was bad, I knew they were going to tell us something about what type of treatment or medication would now be needed. I knew the road back was going to be a challenging one, BUT I also KNEW we could do it! We were a strong viable determined family.

The words came, “unfortunately” was all my mind would wrap itself around. In an instant it said,” You are not going to fuckin tell me my kid is gone…” That is EXACTLY what he said. My husband fell to his knees on one side and Jay’s girlfriend, Jessica sobbed and dropped on the other… I thought,” This is NOT happening, it cannot be real, I want to scream, what am I going to do, I have to hold up Wes, I have to hold up Jessica, Oh God what am I going to do…I can’t breathe, I must breathe… I tried to hug them both, I needed to be hugged. I needed this moment NOT to be happening.

There it is. In that moment if someone, something, anyone, anything had presented I would have agreed to take his place, without a second thought. For in that instant there was more pain than one could imagine being physically possible. Yet I felt it. I knew in that instant I did NOT want to feel it anymore. However, as the moments continued, I knew I would. It hurt so much, the pain was so deep, how was it possible to feel all of this and survive? As I ask these questions and realize that I am still here…surviving…I know that dying would have been easy. I am NOT talking suicide. I am talking a simple change in the universe, an intervention from God Himself.

Through the years, I have battled, some days it seems that the battle is progressing. I cannot say getting better, for I always will wish for the impossible and I always KNOW it will not transpire. Hope left my very existence for a time and while it was gone, I never could put my finger exactly on it, but I knew it was missing. Once I realized IT had left me, I opened the door to let it back in my life, but without an invitation in. I did not clear a path, motion to it, or say the words to welcome. I simply allowed for it to do whatever IT chose to. Like what happened to me on January 14, 2018, it was/is outside of my control.

One of my followers read another post and share a story about themself. While I appreciate the comments, I don’t think I was clear. It motivated me to do this piece. I want it known that the ending of my life while I believe would have been easier than losing my child; I also know that particular part of my existence is as out of my hands, as his life was. When I am told I am not alone, I do realize this; but I want my reader(s) to know most of the time the feeling of alone and isolated, is accompanied with the pain, and it is that pain that parents/mothers like me want to be devoid of. However, loss of that pain comes with a high price. It means you feel like you have to somehow escape the source. In this case the source is my lost son. I would never make the choice to forget him. Instead, I make the choice to remember him, to remember the love, and bask in it. And YES, it hurts, YES, it is painful, but the universe did not offer me ANY choice so I have to live with it the best way I can for the time I am still here. That is why I say, The Dying Would Have Been Easy. Treasure your lives.

It’s 2 A.M…Why Are you Awake

I may need to try some type of sleep aid. However, I have existed with the natural way for so long. I realize it scares me to think of having to use some alternative method to induce sleep.

Hard work, exercise, sheer exhaustion have always worked.  Why not now? My brain is in an overtime status. It has to figure out how to NOT overthink every little thing and block out thinking all together simultaneously. YIKES

I found out I have severe sleep apnea several months ago. I have my machine, and I use it. I immediately noticed a difference in my behavior and ability to think. I am now seeing it level off. I am finding I am shying away from things that become too normal, constant, or familiar. I do not dream or do not remember them. I now have a deep internal fear of dreaming. I did not realize getting a good nights sleep might give me a feeling I am running away from. I am running away, I am avoiding, I am STILL trying to maintain some level of control. It is NOT going well.

Let’s see now, the television is off but the lights are on. Like anyone else in need of treatment that does not get it the human brain allows the human controller to make substitutions. The alcoholic that stops drinking with sheer will -power suddenly becomes verbally abusive to his loved ones and others…substituting one bad habit/addiction for another.

Sleep is needed, it is restorative, and for health’s sake alone one MUST get at the very least the minimum 4 hours in. Watch your behavior, if you are not sharp mentally, falling asleep in traffic or on the toilet, energy level low. maybe you need to turn off the electronics, dim the lights put on soft music and your apnea machine mask of choice and get those ZZZZ’s in

 

Remembering How To Feel

Loss is such an all encompassing experience. Your mind, body and soul are affected and they are affected completely. Having to deal with multiple loss in a relatively short period of time, one can grow numb. Your entire being can shut down and simply wander aimlessly through this process called LIFE.

One finds out the vicious truth- LIFE GOES ON; and if allowed your very being WILL, through assorted coping mechanisms, continue as well. To outsiders you will seem to be amazing and strong, when what you are in reality is someone who has simply succumbed to that which is out of your control. Left with no choices you chose the inevitable.

As time goes by, just like breathing or your heart beating, you find yourself once again navigating. However, you are forever changed. You may look slightly different; new lines on your face may identify places of some internal hurt, or the light in your eyes may appear dull and muted. While one may not be physically cowering in some lonely dark corner, mentally that very same corner may be a safe place.

In your effort to survive the pain you must somehow allow yourself back to a place that may remind you there is hurt ahead. It is a scary journey..coming back to the familiar and still occupying the sense of being lost. Your comfort now has a companion it keeps by it’s side always visible, always present. As you slowly remove the  protective coating you have to remember how and what it is like to feel again.

Loss- Losing It

Every now and then the “crazy” surfaces, makes it’s presence known, takes over. I don’t always know it either. I  find myself drifting off. I feel like my son is leaving me all over again and I am grabbing at anything to keep me tethered to him and his memory. I think I feel like I am letting things (NOT HIM) go slowly; I don’t think I am supposed to, and I don’t consciously WANT to.

I scrolled through my phone messages from him..some of the last ones. Since I am NOT so tech savvy I had to save these words/messages the best way I could. I did screenshots. I will print them out and put them with the other items I have carefully stored in the designated cedar chest. The last ones are from Jessica(his lady/his love/my new-now daughter) from the hospital and they came after what I would later find out, was after he had been pronounced.

The room is not exactly as he left it, but there are things I have not moved. I think of the irony..the only Christmas decorations that will be in this house this year are the ones HE left behind in his room. I tell myself I am not as strange as some folks are, but I am lying to myself. I am as fucking strange and weird as they come, and many times I don’t care what you think of me. That is not mean or rude, it is real.

As I navigate through each day something will make me think of my child who is no longer with me and I WILL cry. I may not cry long, but I will hurt and the tears will flow. Sometimes I imagine myself screaming, or cowering in a corner, or collapsing to the ground. I ask myself will any of these particular acts bring me closer to closure or solace, then I ask how can I ever suggest I will EVER have those things in regards to my son as long as I live on this Earth. Each day I am learning to live a life I did not plan for, and one I do NOT want.

I want my son back..I know I cannot have him, but that does NOT change how I feel.

CHRISTMAS WONT BE THE SAME THIS YEAR

Do you know that song? The Jackson Five did it back in 1970..YouTube it. It may give you a smile or two. Admittedly it did for me, somewhat. It also made me aware of a reality; it is a self professing one but one just the same. A holiday I love(d) and cherished, no longer feels that way. The tinsel is tarnished and gray. The lights have flickered out.  The sights, sounds, and aromas have faded. All that remains are questions, indifference, and maybe a bit of fear.

Questions like What will I do this year, How will I feel, Do I want to decorate and celebrate with happy people, Will I stay at home in a house void of decorations and possibly make sadness more at home with me?

Indifference…What does any of what I feel or experience matter, I have been dealt a blow..a blow I will NEVER get over. When I look at decorations that are out far too early, there is a feeling of emptiness. I am no longer looking for ideas to bring the beauty of Christmas into my home.

Fear that I will become that old person, who does not decorate or celebrate. Which in turn will likely make me sadder and speed up my actual aging process. Who wants to be around that.

What’s the plan? Every year for the past 25,  Thanksgiving marked the beginning of my Christmas process. Intermittently we would have a big dinner but mostly it was football, pajamas, and me decorating the house and the tree(s). I now must deal with how to do or NOT do Thanksgiving which makes my Christmas dilemma even more intense.

I thought of leaving town and escape all that is familiar and normal, but I realize there is no escaping life. If I stay in this country, the holidays will come no matter WHERE I am. Even if I travel outside the country, places I would consider, all celebrate Christmas. Where do I run to, how can I hide? Is it possible to change my attitude ?

As difficult as this will be for me, I want more than anything else for people I love and care about to enjoy that fabulous holiday. If I cross your mind and I make you sad, please think of someone or something else. For I am here to tell you, I do NOT want my sadness to  be yours. There is no guess work here; whatever December 25th brings me, I want my loved ones to have the best holiday season possible.

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