hafacenturyncounting

Motivated by a lack of material.

Archive for the month “April, 2013”

Summary Of A Love Gone Wrong

Oh God why am I cursed with this man. He is a plague in my life. I wrench at the sound of his voice. He has selective amnesia. He does not care for me and I am okay with that now. Now all I want is to be at peace. I fear there will be no peace in my life as long as he is in my life. He cares only for himself. Why won’t you let him be happy. Why can’t he can be with the one he loves, HIMSELF. I have been a good wife to him, I have been far better than he deserves. I have been wronged in this relationship and the contagion of wrong doing has thus infected me. Please Lord, make this situation right. Please

What does he think when he looks at me. What does he think when I  show him  little affection? Does it make him feel small and hurt, like it used to do me? I hope he does feel bad at times, I wish for him to have that same disconnect that he gave to me. Then other times, most times, all I want is to be able to walk away and know I did the best I could for as long as I could, and all that was/is required of me has been satisfied.

Looking back I have a boat-load of regrets. I thought he cared, I thought he could make me happy, I thought we would be good together. I was so wrong. We had a fun time and I should have left it at that. There were so many times  I should have stopped, but I did not.

Lord please help me get back to me. Let me enjoy my children and grandchildren. Let him enjoy his life, but not with me. I know better than ever I am NOT what he wants or what can make him happy nor is he those things for me. Everyone deserves some happy.

I no longer want the love from him that I “pined away” for at one time. I want to be me again. He sees glimpses of me and he clearly dislikes that person. Too bad he didn’t see her long before now, too bad I did not let some of my desires come forth and be seen. I could have saved us both a whole lot of grief. There I go again taking on the full responsibility for a situation that was clearly involving the two of us.

He says, “You want out?” I lie and say,” No”.

Looks Matter?

The thought of this made me smile. I truly, truly appreciate beauty. The good Lord has provided us all with an array of nice things to look at from stunning seascapes to beautiful faces.

Yet in the wake of failed relationships, where the obvious prerequisites were met, the idea of a beautiful mind is very appealing. In the place where breathtaking good looks is replaced with engaging conversation. One substitutes deep soulful eyes and they are  now interchangeable with intriguing ideas. The cute button nose you so admire takes the form of quick wit. The fantastic physique gives way to solemn comforting thoughts.

I found myself captivated by words and thought patterns that made me stop and grab each word. I dissect the ideas placed before me. Now my mind is experiencing joy and ecstasy with the same intense forces as my physical body has. My mind hungers for more. Yet another growing pain, in yet another form. Brad has been replaced by Albert…. well not quite.

As time goes on we gain a clearer understanding of ourselves and those we relate to, but our ability to convey thoughts and feelings sometimes get lost in the translation. You can find yourself in a “no man’s land” with someone who you thought you knew.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but intelligence is a matter of fact. It is time to dig into something more solid and substantial.

It’s All About “ME”

The title implies, that is which  is true. Call me selfish, because that is exactly what I am.  I am also a deceptive being who hides behind things; my feelings and emotions lurk just below the surface, yet a very primitive thing gives me away, The Look Upon My Face.

When you raise a family your obligation is to them first and foremost.  However, as time goes on things progress and suddenly everyone is an adult and they are living their life, now there is you left. Maybe you missed your chance earlier in life for that self-discovery. It is not too late.

I suggested to my children they live alone before the responsibilities  of  being a spouse and father took over in their lives. I think everyone needs to try to get to know “self” first. I did this and my time as a single adult was a happy time. However, I have come to realize that the individual I came to know and like quite a lot, was not a person who would fit into my current living condition. Being alone does not teach you to share and put any need above your very own. In the real world there are going to be others around you. Never before has “No man is an island” held more true.

Lately, I have been on a mission to get into a condition that I feel is more palatable to “ME”. I feel closer than ever to attaining that goal, and I do attribute it to the fact that I am allowing myself to do something for “ME”. “Rock Hard Abs” here I come. Pictures to follow!

In closing I want to caution you against going too far in the other direction in your quest to care for  and/or love your individual “ME”. Do not become obsessive in this new self love; follow this rule as always “nothing to excess everything in moderation” and you cannot go wrong.

 

Clean Up Your Act

Cleaning; not a subject I am particularly fond of nor do I have a deep seeded hatred for. However, I am quite good at it.

I have to confess I did get into the business from a “need” inspired place. I had been exposed to this particular vocation since childhood. It was not something I imagined doing, that is until I would get quite aggravated while working in the administrative aspect of the Postal Service. Then I would both sarcastically and jokingly say, “Can’t I have a stress free job like the custodian.”

At the risk of having customer former or present read this piece I will be very cautious.  Never would I  point out an individual in a forum such as this, I am far too conflict oriented( I know what I am saying) for that. I would much rather confront you face-to-face. I am not trying to provide competition with strategy. Yet I do not mind giving out a little information that might help someone. All of these suggestions work/have applicable ideas for the provider and the customer.

If you are looking for someone to provide you with a cleaning service be very specific; either they will do what you want or not. Don’t get trapped in/bogged down with assumptions, this will keep you(the customer) from being disappointed and the service provider from being unhappy as well. Sometimes you can ask for addition services that either will be provided at a cost or even given if the provider is aware of the want/need at the time.  Communication is paramount. Ultimately, you want a relationship that is mutually beneficial.

Don’t be cheap. Licenses, bonds, insurance cost; if you risk having someone come into your home or place of business without these be aware you may get off cheaper initially, but in the long run bad service, damaged items, missing effects… what did you really save. You do get what you pay for, especially if you do as previously stated. If you have a price in mind share it. This does not suggest you will get the price, but perhaps you will gain understanding as to why what you want is/is not possible from a particular provider. You may be able to negotiate better.

Do not mix up services. If you want someone as a housekeeper  look for a housekeeper. If you want a maid look for a maid. The job descriptions are similar but not the same. That being said you cannot expect a housekeeper to do your laundry or your dishes, unless you discussed and agreed to this prior. Pick up your place so the service provider can clean what actually needs cleaning. If you need an organizer then look for one of those. You waste time and resources not taking these steps. If your housekeeper has to sift through piles of clothes in order to vacuum, either the floor will not be vacuumed or your fee is going to go up.  If you have stacks of dishes in the sink and no room in the dishwasher, there are a variety of end results that could occur. YOU will be unhappy in either case.

Therefore, try this; be upfront and honest, communicate your wants and needs, make no assumptions. When you the customer/service provider do these things the expectation is realistic and generally will be met.  End result, mutually beneficial.

Taboo or Wanton Desire

Naming a favorite it would probably be yellow, if I had to chose it would be something wild and  dangerously fast. My logical mind draws me back, to safe, slow, and conservative. I am none of these. I just hide the facts well. Hold on this is not what it seems to be shaping up as.

Picture a 1959 convertible Thunderbird, I know the 1958 is the year of choice but I am still enamored with all things 59.. wonder why? Plus they look basically the same. The 1995 TV movie “Sugartime” which told the store of Phyllis McGuire and Sam Giancana explains it all.

You give in to the intelligent choice. This is practical for the long term. No one in our age group wants to guess, to question, to wonder; these queries are for the young. We want to be settled, not necessary to settle. Besides for the sake of a quick fleeting enjoyment…? How many of you said “Oh HellYeah!” Congratulations, you are still alive.

A 50+ year old car, a 50+ year old woman, imagine the possibilities. I am in my element; top down, eyes hiding behind “Ray-Bans”, wind blowing in my hair, but a scarf holding it down in the top of my head and yes I am speeding just a little bit.

I was told several years ago by a friend that he pictured me in a Saab convertible. I was not particularly fond of that car, but find irony in the fact it was a convertible. What is it about me and a top down? If it is Freudian then it needs to be black and have a rack as well.. I of course mean luggage. Then I think it would actually work.

Gigi’s and Me

Now I am not suggesting you make this a habit, but I want to share my special indulgence with you. It is Gigi’s Cupcakes! They are close enough to get to with ease, but far enough away that my trips there are NOT daily( my waistline could never afford them). My location is in Norcross, Georgia. GOOGLE them. Gigi’s creates some of the most beautiful and fabulously tasty deserts you have wrapped your tongue around. The look draws you in the taste brings you back. They even have gluten-free cupcakes! Did I mention the specialty cheesecakes… My mouth is watering even as I write this. The atmosphere is of a small hometown bakery, the staff pleasant and accommodating.

How many times have I stopped by for one cupcake and then found myself so indecisive that I walked out with at least half a dozen. I will not tell you about the menu or discuss the cost I encourage you to visit their website or better yet visit a nearby store. You will be happy that you did. For special occasions or especially for YOU,  simply I can’t say that you will go wrong.

It Feels Sorta Cosmic

I don’t know how to explain it any other way. A phone call out of the blue from someone that you have been thinking about. Meeting someone for the first time and you can talk for hours. Your lover knows you are upset with them regardless of if you said a word or not.

This may seem rather obvious, but it really isn’t how many times have you heard or been told, “I didn’t know”. I think that there is so much information readily available, subtlety is virtually unrecognizable. We have to put whatever it is we are feeling right out there. If you are shy or reserved, you may be in trouble. However, in these instances even the universe is not buying the feigned ignorance.

We truly are closer to one another than we think. Perhaps the instances I pointed out are more common or familiar among folks who are closely connected, but there are instances where the ties are more distant and there is still an unexplained connection. I think we underestimate what we as human beings mean to one another. We concentrate so heavily on the differences, that we overlook that which is right there in our faces.

I find myself slipping more and more into the mindset of the “AARP world“,  the world in which the youth  is just “totally out of it”. However, I do have to give credit where credit is due. They( our younger counterparts) have contributed  positively to our sense of self-awareness, characterized by contemporary phrase. From the generation that wanted to know, “What’s happenin” and “Can you dig it?” our children have answered with “Do you feel me?” I anticipate the time when we can answer and mean “Yeah, I feel ya“.

The Way I See It

GreatExpectations; This is not a typo this is the way I think this feeling I am wanting to express should be conveyed singular and large. After waking up a 4 A.M inflection and self-discovery was on my mind.

I am a morning person, but there is something terribly wrong about getting up when it is still dark. I have gone through periods where my sleep pattern seemed to be altering itself. I also do need some alone time, I believe writers need this time for clear uninterrupted thoughts. Good luck with this if you have a cat.

I spent some time surfing the internet and listening to music. I saw a couple of things I felt were speaking to me directly. It felt like , when you go to church and the message the minister is conveying  is JUST about you or directed at you.

I wanted to dance, but I have no rhythm.  Was is unreasonable to  expect you to teach me or even know I wanted to learn? I am overweight, the diets have failed. Why haven’t you encouraged me to get fit? I want to make love. When are you going to touch me? GreatExpectations.

Is there no end to the arrogance of man? Note,”man” NOT A MAN.  I ask because of the thought “he who has done great things”, does not necessarily make him great and the perception should not be as such. Perhaps answering some basic questions can answer questions for you, yourself. One must learn to take ones accomplishments in stride. You must realize that you are only a portion of any one thing you do achieve or fail to achieve. I am not undermining or understating that which you have accomplished which is good, but there have been some pitfalls alongside the win-falls. Therefore the defeats must be given the same consideration.Thus taking things in stride.

Varying degrees and levels, varying strengths and weaknesses, yet we expect things to turn out our way, the right way as we see it. If you experience something difficult and you survive it, then you see someone else with the same challenge in their life, but they are not having the success you did, what thought comes to you first? Success or failure you have to take the outside forces into account. None of us has or is a “cure all”. Remember this next time you prepare to “dive into a situation and become aware that you have no oxygen tank”.

Audio-Visual Affair

I love the saxophone. I was introduced to it, by my mother as a small girl. She told me about many things during our afternoon talks and what she told me about a saxophone stayed with me. One morning surfing through music I found myself hypnotized and engulfed. Here’s what happened.

The way he held his saxophone was the way a woman wants to be held by a man. His eyes closed, his face slightly grimaced. He had the look of pain and ecstasy on his face. Yet you were drawn in by his look. He didn’t play his instrument he loved it; and you, his audience, were captivated by the sound, the movement, and the emotion of it all.  His lips wrapped around the source of this audio-visual affair. Watching him play you become aware of every part of him, he is putting it out there for you. Although he is about 5’11” and slender, he emanates 6’3″muscular with strong biceps. The opened shirt buttons tease you with glimpses of his pecs.Then you tell yourself, “Stay above the waist”… Don’t you realize that he is playing you as hard as he is playing that woodwind? Of course you do, but you go along with it any way. The sounds, his sounds are arousing your other senses as well.  He caresses  his instrument with his fingertips and holds it close to his body. They are one.  It begins to get warm, you are in fact what is warm. You examine his hair, his carefully manicured beard with your eyes, but your hands can feel the strands of his dreads.  Each note higher, each note lower; your breathing is matching his with one difference, he is controlling yours.  You wanted more and he gave it to you. Feels good, huh. When he finished, you needed a drink to quench your thirst. You were tired and excited at the same time. Then he started playing again. Nothin like a man playin a sax…

Just Ask

“Deal Breakers” you may ask yourself or maybe it is asked of you how much more of this would/will you take? Do you know the answer? What about the people around you and I am not just talking about any people, I mean the ones you say you love and care about. Just how much do you actually know about these folks?

Okay when is the birthday, what’s the favorite color, food, or designer? The most embarrassing thing that has ever happened and the happiest moment. These are just a few examples; but to be honest none of these matter if they are NOT the one that counts for, the one who counts to you.

There is nothing worse than thinking you know someone and finding out you don’t. However, I think it is equally disappointing to that loved one to discover this same information. Knowledge does not always come easy and one of the best ways to obtain information is to simply ask the right questions. One cannot assume they know all there is to know about another, by virtue of mere exposure. Here’s a secret, we do not reveal ourselves right away.

It is a mistake to leave something that is important to you to chance. I have pointed out many times, that we ourselves do not know or cannot always explain ourselves; therefore how can we expect someone outside of ourselves to do this very same thing? It is slightly unreasonable.

I am not excusing a repeat offender, but I do say it is very possible for someone close to you not to know important facts about you or to even forget these important facts. Give them the benefit of the doubt.   Therefore, my suggestion/my solution is “just ask”. Ask if you don’t know something, ask if you want something, but do ask. Do not house animosity towards someone close to you for simply being human, it happens to the best of “us”.

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