hafacenturyncounting

Motivated by a lack of material.

29 Sep 2026

Dear HOPE

I suppose you are lost. I know I hadn’t seen you for years. I did not realize this until one day I discovered that yet another part of me was missing. Unlike pain and anger, you were not loud and/or disruptive. You are subtle. Your presence as well as your absence can be overlooked. One knows something is NOT quite right, but it takes time to put a finger on what exactly is wrong.

Sitting in silence one afternoon, unable to focus on anything in particular you made it clear. You were missing. You were the reason so many things were NO longer important. You NOT being around made so much seem futile. Most things that were actually important, were neglected at best. How can you be so important but go missing and NOT be noticed. Noticed is perhaps the wrong word, I became oblivious to you.

As important as you are, as essential as you are to life and a healthy state of mind, I looked away from you. I lost sight of your very existence. I realize I lost sight of my very existence when I lost sight of you. It made sense to me. How could you be around, how could you be a part of me and my life when someone so important and necessary for my very being was gone, taken away from me. I was focused on that reality, there was no time no space, no place for you. I felt abandoned. I knew when you were around, I was not ALONE. I held you so tight and still you slipped away. You were subtle but when I came to notice you were gone that knowledge hit me abruptly.

I came face to face with your absence and I asked, “What do I do now?” Did you leave or did I send you away. Did I forget to do something that allowed an opening for you to escape through? I don’t think you wanted to go, but I do know I was not giving you the attention and acknowledgement needed for you to be sustained.

Dear HOPE I see you standing before me, but you don’t look the same. I am reluctant to approach you for I fear you will once again leave me. I don’t know that I have the mental or physical strength to handle that again. Are you equally worried that I will turn my back on you or ignore you as you quietly slip away because I am too concerned with that which is right before me. A reality that engulfs me and clouds my vision, along with my perspective to a point that I am nothing more than the existence of sorrow. Dear HOPE now that I am aware that you were not with me, is it okay if I want you to come back even if I don’t consciously know how you can or will.

Posted in VILOMAH and tagged , , | Leave a comment
29 Sep 2026

Hopeless Romantic…It Is Just That

HOPELESS. I can say that from a place of knowing. I fell victim to my daydreamer’s heart decades ago. Yet here I am on the other side of chronological mid–life and I still wander into the danger zone. The good part here is this time there is no particular man to equate with this.

It is good to be alone with your thoughts sometimes. You do not have to let the noise in from outside of YOU. Reflect. You can direct and focus. Make plans and follow through with said plans. You can finish things that have been tabled for a longer period than intended, because there is NOTHING standing in your way! In spite of the fact that only you have been what stands in the way for some time now.

My “writing” has suffered through some of my hopeless romantic episodes. I recall those moments… the guy, the times I spent with him, the music (our soundtrack). It felt real, it felt scary, and it felt real. Most of the time I remember this time with a smile. I understand why I worked so hard to be in that place. My love life was a Disney fairytale waiting to happen.

After a while I had to admit choices were limited for a person who has expectations and requirements. I was never mean; I bowed out of/exited many situations intentionally allowing the guy to think abandoning “us” was his idea. That way he would not ever feel like he needed to give us another chance. He would allow his ego to say, “Man, you broke it off with her…” I don’t hurt feelings, but I am not a repeat offender.

Then I became a cynic (remember I said this). I told myself, ” I tried, this is an impossible task that has costs and casualties, far more than I am willing to accept”. Now of course I have to put out there this is my space, my blog, my experience, my opinion, but you are here so I have to say I am presenting a singularly focused view/vantage point. From my experience Hopeless Romantic the endeavor is just that hopeless.

Posted in Quickbits and tagged | Leave a comment
01 Jun 2026

Dear HOPE

I suppose you are lost. I know I hadn’t seen you for years. I did not realize this until one day I discovered that yet another part of me was missing. Unlike pain and anger, you were not loud and/or disruptive. You are subtle. Your presence as well as your absence can be overlooked. One knows something is NOT quite right, but it takes time to put a finger on what exactly is wrong.

Sitting in silence one afternoon, unable to focus on anything in particular you made it clear. You were missing. You were the reason so many things were NO longer important. You NOT being around made so much seem futile. Most things that were actually important, were neglected at best. How can you be so important but go missing and NOT be noticed. Noticed is perhaps the wrong word, I became oblivious to you.

As important as you are, as essential as you are to life and a healthy state of mind, I looked away from you. I lost sight of your very existence. I realize I lost sight of my very existence when I lost sight of you. It made sense to me. How could you be around, how could you be a part of me and my life when someone so important and necessary for my very being was gone, taken away from me. I was focused on that reality, there was no time no space, no place for you. I felt abandoned. I knew when you were around, I was not ALONE. I held you so tight and still you slipped away. You were subtle but when I came to notice you were gone that knowledge hit me abruptly.

I came face to face with your absence and I asked, “What do I do now?” Did you leave or did I send you away. Did I forget to do something that allowed an opening for you to escape through? I don’t think you wanted to go, but I do know I was not giving you the attention and acknowledgement needed for you to be sustained.

Dear HOPE I see you standing before me, but you don’t look the same. I am reluctant to approach you for I fear you will once again leave me. I don’t know that I have the mental or physical strength to handle that again. Are you equally worried that I will turn my back on you or ignore you as you quietly slip away because I am too concerned with that which is right before me. A reality that engulfs me and clouds my vision, along with my perspective to a point that I am nothing more than the existence of sorrow. Dear HOPE now that I am aware that you were not with me, is it okay if I want you to come back even if I don’t consciously know how you can or will.

Posted in VILOMAH and tagged , , | Leave a comment
17 May 2026

Dear Anger

With your bad disposition and bad timing, I find myself STILL in your company. You represent yet another aspect of life, the life of which we have little to no control over. I have to look at how you have changed throughout my life. Once identified and characterized by outbursts and sour faces, you now know how to disguise yourself. You lurk in corners of my psyche. I have gotten so used to you being around I rarely acknowledge you. However, in my subconscious you wreak havoc. Most of the time you sit silently, you wait to come out. When you do appear, it is a sudden jolt of lightening. You are powerful and overwhelming. You sear what feels like the very life from one’s body. Once you have done that you move outward.

In your grips logic is bypassed. Small things become huge and every aspect of life is a confrontation. You fight, grab and claw your way out of me. You then drag me along on your path of destruction. The road being repaired is so heat filled I can barely get through the traffic without questioning the sanity of whomever decided NOW was the time to fix it. When I reach my destination, I park away from everyone with intention, I do not want to talk or even engage with anyone. For even in this maddening state alongside/accompanied by you I realize any contact necessary or not could prove confrontational. I know that YOU will not be the image that sticks with the unfortunate souls who have the misfortune of being in my orbit at this time. All they will recall is the scowl and rage on MY face. They will not think anger is guiding her, they will think SHE is just so angry. They will not see you as the manifestation of the grief journey I am on. It will be simplified to just me.

Dear Anger when will you be an occasional visitor rather than a resident in my soul. I do not fool myself into believing that you will depart from me forever, but I so want to be able to exist, and you NOT be such an impactful part of my very being. Fleeting instead of familiar, you rise within me almost to the surface where you could be expelled, you churn and swirl around for what seems to be an eternity. The pressure of your force is unbearable and then you begin to withdraw. The intensity seems to lessen. You have not departed you have merely changed direction. You have no real course intended; your only intention is to do the same things you have been doing, exerting yourself to let me know I am not in control of you. Then I am made aware that I need to be.

Posted in VILOMAH and tagged , | Leave a comment
16 May 2026
1 Comment

You Can’t Even Feel Bad About It

Looking at your phone, the two of you agreed to meet at the appointed time, which is 20 minutes passed already. The waiter has already filled your water glass. You look around and now you are getting slightly uncomfortable. Now you realize why restaurants will not seat you until your entire party arrives. We are going to leave this scene for a bit, but we will come back.

Everyone wants honesty, everyone wants things to be defined. Yet when you get right down to it neither, seems to be further from the truth. I watched a movie called The Invention of Lying; it was funny as well as ironic. Many times, funny and ironic are used interchangeably in this case they both had a place in the film. It explored a world where people said exactly what was on their minds, not to be hurtful, just in an “as-a-matter-of-fact” presentation the TRUTH. Never experiencing life in that fashion it made you think, what would it actually be like if lying was never a consideration or option. Could our society maintain itself in an environment that made people responsible for their actions on the most basic levels.

Dating is about finding a suitable person who can do a number of things. The problem is what things one wants another person to do or be. Will the person be agreeable to those things, can you tell that person exactly what your wants and expectations are, do you actually know? I think the least of the infractions that could occur with these three questions would be the result of do you actually know what you want from another person.

I believe we are under the impression we know what it is that we want from another person, that is until that other person becomes real to us. By that I mean, the ideas and expectations look good on paper. When a person enters into our lives, they are no longer that apparition out in space. This person is right in front of you. This may sound and seem rudimentary but indulge me for just a moment. You never know what you get until you invest a little something, be it time, effort, money. We make purchases of clothing from the rack, until we are able to have our clothing tailor made. We know and expect the same things from items that have very different beginnings and requirements. When the item from the rack falls short, we are not happy, but we take into consideration where the item came from. However, when that tailor made piece does not live up to our expectations, it is “all-out war”. I think this is habitual and we apply these principles to other aspects of our lives, particularly finding a mate.

Back to our scene; do you save face and simply order, throw in the towel and leave, or do you wait a little bit longer. While you ponder these choices this well-groomed individual with fabulous features appears at the table and says your name with a question mark and a smile that light up the room. You fold; you tell yourself whatever is necessary to justify what will happen next AND you can’t even feel bad about it.

Posted in Dating 6.0, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , ,
15 May 2026
1 Comment

What’s The Worst That Could Happen?

Have you ever thought about what could go wrong about one thing or another? Do you wonder why those types of thoughts occur to you? Preparation or paranoia, it happens. You see none of us wants to be blindsided. If we do not entertain the possibility that something could go wrong, we could be surprised. When one thinks of surprises the first thought is not of something bad, but indulge me this, a surprise is nothing more than that which you were NOT prepared for. Furthermore, the unprepared for can be good or bad. That fact, in and of itself, makes one look at the idea of a surprise a bit differently.

I try to imagine that which would steer me away from something I think I want. The first thing you have to do is realize what it is within you that has the desire, want, need for this particular person or thing. You have to delve into the why. Why this particular thing, why this particular individual? That answer will serve as a guide to what your mindset is, what is the next move? How long are you willing to continue on a path that you have already invested some time with.

Emotionally speaking, one’s feelings could be hurt. You could end up with a broken heart; you could end up embarrassed and feel shame beyond what you could ever imagine. If we were dealing with something tangible such as a piece of property, a car, etc. the loss will likely be monetary. This too can also bring up and emotional response though we are really not focusing on things. What’s the worst that could happen is of course a matter of perspective. We toss perspective around like a ball, but it is a very important barometer. What we think and feel versus what actually is taking place.

Now we have isolated the “why”. Does it get easier? I think what it gets/becomes is easier to identify because of the characteristics being revealed. That doesn’t necessarily make the thought process, which is laden with fear, any easier. Now we have the person/ event and the why, yet the solution and final result still are in question. We still circle back to perspective; what can happen versus what really does happen. Therefore, the worst that could happen rests in “our hands” so to speak: at least the part that we can control, our actions and reactions.

Posted in Dating 6.0 and tagged , ,
03 May 2026
1 Comment

Dear Pain

Once again, I wake up and here you are. I am not surprised by your presence. You are not welcomed by me, nor are you welcome. Yet here you reside with me.This is beginning like a familiar song. What is it that you want from me? You are silent and unchanging, for the most part. I respond to your presence in every way possible, but at the same time do not acknowledge you. How is it that this can occur? You are an enigma. I want to figure you out. Perhaps if I can explain your existence, I will be able to explain you away. Maybe my being able to understand aspects of you will bring the clarity I need, and you will leave me.

Dear Pain, I remember when you did not exist. I did not have to think about you, and I did not have to factor you and your existence into my life. I would catch a glimpse of you and hear a story of you from others close to me. I knew all I wanted to know about you. However, it was not personal, and I guess it was not enough for you.

Early one Sunday morning you came to see me and get personal… I was born on a Sunday. I lost my mother and son on respective Sundays after those days represented so much less to me. YOU made me very aware of you. YOU are invasive and controlling. You came back around when leukemia and lung cancer took my younger brother and my husband, within months of each other, which set you up for a long period of residency in my heart, soul, and mind… YOU seemingly do not want to leave or leave me alone. I try not to let you run and ruin my life, but you take up so much of my life. Time, space, are meaningless because you are in the way.

Where do I go from here? I want nothing more than for you to be gone. For you to be absent means that the reason you are with me would be gone, but it is not as simple as that. You were not invited, but you came anyway. You are NOT welcome, but you stay. It is NOT enough to say one wants something; it is incumbent upon us all to take action in order to make that/those something(s) happen. Dear Pain just go away. Please.

Posted in Ecumenically Speaking and tagged , , ,
28 Apr 2026
1 Comment

And I Almost Felt Bad

I passed the community room and caught sight of her thin slight image. Part of me felt sorry for this troubled woman. The other part of me only wanted to be rid of the individual who insinuated herself into my complex and proceeded to interrupt the peace and comfort one wants, needs, expects in the place they call home. I picked up the pace of my walk because I did not want to engage with her on any level. Yet I know and must face the fact that she had become a part of my life. Denial and ignoring her would not make her disappear from my psyche.

I did not ask for her to come to my place and attempt what she deemed to be a normal existence. I am naturally a suspicious person. You are not gonna walk into my presence and become a part of my life because we share a space. I am going to back up and observe you, I am going to analyze your look and behavior. I will likely make an escape from you and your presence cautiously.

Back to my soon to be former neighbor, she is being evicted. One might think I am cruel or cold because in my mind, she cannot be sent away too soon. I am also not alone in my sentiment. We, the residents who follow the rules, say to ourselves and one another, ” One down one to go…” Yet as you see this woman sitting staring into space, the compassionate human inside of you wishes it did not have to be this way. The truth is we all want and need to connect with one another. Human beings are social creatures. Some are better at making connections than others, Then, there are the ones who are downright terrible at connecting.

Where does that leave the bulk of us, in society in general, in a community, in a complex. If you knew that this woman was recently homeless living in her car, that she had gotten a break and able to have adequate housing, only to be faced with the same condition again. Would your heart bleed for her? Or would you ask more questions? If you did you would discover that from day one she began collecting trash and branches from trees to bring inside of her apartment and the building, you would find out that she has a dog that she does/did not have on a leash nor did she pick up his waste until she was told to, you’d hear about her taking things from her neighbors doorways because she wanted to, and how she smoked inside her apartment and outside the building too close to the entrances of a non-smoking community? These are but a few of the violations she as committed since moving into the community, less than three months ago. From a distance, where you are not personally affected, you can still hold onto that human compassion. However, when you find out that she has mental challenges, is on medication that she willfully does not take, the picture becomes clearer and clearer. One might say, she needs some help/assistance to intervene on her behalf…. or one might think what if you were personally affected. Honestly, I accept and realize we as adult humans can and will do whatever we think we want to do. To this I say,” Have at it, as long as what you decide to do ONLY has bearing on YOU. For once your actions interfere with another, you are guilty of violating their individual rights and YOU have no right to do that. If we all kept this consideration of others in mind, and my soon-to-be -former neighbor especially, perhaps she would not be faced with her current dilemma as well as other controversies.

Therefore, armed with some or all of this information one can understand how in spite of all of this, I almost feel sorry for her. Also understand I cannot wait until she is no longer a resident of the building, I call home.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged ,
28 Apr 2026

Laundry List

In a search to find a compatible mate rather than checking off boxes, my list seems to be getting longer and more complex. I ask myself, “What is it you are trying to accomplish here?” At one point in time I did believe I knew. Now things are getting cloudy. As I go over the list, the feasibility is fading rapidly. The justification for the list and the criteria of it is becoming jaded. What do I do? Realizing the flaws do I continue, because in spite of the flaws and complications, it is useful.

Since I likened this list to the laundry, perhaps that would be a good approach. First, we must separate the items. In first steps the importance must be examined, for without the all-important first, everything else can be compromised. Therefore, this first step MUST be clear and concise. You need to know this process will put you in line for the goal. The goal is ever present and must be in clear sight. It may seem to those outside of self, this list is an ambitious and unreasonable compilation, However, I submit low expectations will undoubtedly yield unsatisfactory results. The details of the list are indelible in my mind. I do not have to write the list down because it is ever-present, when I meet someone even if at random.

What will one accept? What is satisfactory? How do you navigate past settling for? For me adding to the so-called laundry list IS my acceptance that I may NOT find the guy in the “criteria-based outfit” and since that is the case it is a HARD PASS is my choice. That is by-no-means an insult to ones who do not fit, but the fact remains, by my very own standard it will NOT work. No need to waste time and effort. Somewhere in our lives we do have to take what we say at face–value; mean what we say, stand by our convictions. This has to hold true regardless of the outcome not necessarily being positive.

Posted in Dating 6.0 and tagged , , | Leave a comment
28 Apr 2026
1 Comment

Great Expectations Too/Two?

Responsibilities and requirements, who gets to assign these things to us? How did they obtain this power? Do we have the ability to take this away from them? Are we just to accept and follow? What about the ones we assign to ourselves?

Sometimes being present, available, and kind gets taken the wrong way. Positive gestures turn into perceived obligations, and one may not even be aware of this transformation. People who are close to you may take it for granted that you simply do this particular thing and it is NOT apparent to you until one day you don’t, because you can and/or you want to.

I had an elder cousin once tell me,” You cannot help everybody”. He was referring to a family member, and it was in regard to himself and his sibling. I remember thinking how selfish, heartless, and unfeeling one had to be in order to make such a statement. I also recall many an elder person state, ” Keep livin” when something happened that did not quite make sense occurred and I turned to them for an explanation or advice.

How do kind gestures turn into jobs? I submit to you all parties involved are good people. Yet, something gets misinterpreted and lost in the translation. One can help another time after time, but when the help ceases, they are looked upon as negligent. Rather than appreciate the kindness for what it actually is the recipient takes it for granted. The provider perhaps should have pointed out this was a voluntary favor. Why should that be? Are we so self-absorbed that now we do NOT realize and recognize that certain things do NOT have to happen. In a needy state we still have the audacity to demand instead of request. That which is important to you, is NOT always a priority to others.

Appreciation can be silent; gratitude should not be, but neither should be turned into more of a JOB than a kindness. That is never acceptable. Look at your “gifts” and identify the fact that they are just that. One day they may no longer be, what will you do then? Will you bemoan how things used to be, or wish for a time go by? Live in the present; behave and believe things change in a heartbeat but know for this moment you are happy that you have what you have. Depart from that Great Expectation and replace it with greater Thankfulness.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , ,

Post Navigation

← Older Entries