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Motivated by a lack of material.

Dating Karma

Dating karma, dating ,or just karma…whatever. Those words, the excuses and explanations all rolled up into one. For because we are truly at a loss and it gives us an “out”.

Let’s begin this journey. Thrust into the single life, because you have life, you have to go on. The creatures that we are… humans; social and sometimes needy, we venture into the dating world. Young and resilient you tend to be up for the challenge…but what of the older seasoned type. What is in store for us? Scarier than any thrill ride I have taken, we stand in a perpetual line waiting. What are we waiting for? There are no pictures of people smiling, yelling with excitement…there is just the line. The line is long too.

Feeling confident, feeling smart the search begins. However, the rules have changed and in spite of having basic knowledge of this there is no real preparation. One must dive in feet first. So many avenues, so many possibilities…it still a “turkey shoot”. Try to be honest and open, but by no means too trusting.

Not all matches and attempted couplings are successes. I know, you did not see that coming (pure sarcasm). We have to examine the bad matches because there will be far more of these than there will be good ones. If there is an immediate bad vibe, that is easy you throw it into reverse and back away/walk away. Here is where being as honest as possible comes into play. Then there are times that you keep telling yourself, “Well, this is not too bad..” You continue, hoping the good will outweigh the bad. It does not. As reasonably intelligent, definitely(according to chronology) mature adults you discuss and part ways in a civil amicable fashion. YeahRight.

No one likes rejection and simply not being a match for one individual or another is NOT a simple rejection. As sophisticated as we like to believe we are, we are still very primitive and basic. If I like dark skin and you are light.., if you like brown eyes and mine are blue..don’t take it personal, move on. Truth is, you may never know the truth. You may not be willing to share the truth. That HAS to be okay, for your sanity’s sake.

Then there is the coward’s way out…”ghostin”. As I mentioned before we are very primitive and basic…this is NOT working or is NOT going to work so lets cut our losses and move on. Plus you don’t have to really hurt anyone’s feelings (yeah about that).

To address the matter at hand, the dating karma. I provide all this background for the payoff. Well all I can tell you is another basic concept, if you dish it out be able to take it.

Because He Knows Me

He knows the curve of my spine as I arch it when we embrace. He kisses me and I hear music in the distance. I could not be more comfortable in my very own skin.

At this juncture in life little is “new” and that which actually is new, in terms of relationships, holds little charm. Reconnecting with individuals from your past feels soothing. You are transported to another time and place with the benefit of having a window into what can be.

He was literally the first man I loved. I loved him hard too. He took me to the highest of highs, just by existing. The day we met , he smiled at me and my heart stopped. I fumbled pointlessly, in an effort to appear calm. That smile though… 44 years later, 3 marriages between us, 5 children with other people, and he still has that smile. How sweet that our hearts allow us to keep those memories. We are completely different human beings now. Yet he smells the same, he feels the same, he tastes the same. He, however still is not mine.

I steal him for a few hours, in the measures of time, mere drops in a bucket. We walk around one of my favorite places, an amusement park, we ride some rides. The sights and sounds of youth and energy encapsulate us. At different points we catch glances of one another, we recall who we once were. In certain light the gray hairs appear to only be highlights or an aura. The marks time has left on our faces and in our hearts do not shine through so clearly. You have to search for the hurts, we both have endured. Ironically, loss of the same caliber, is visible when we look into each others eyes.

Now I gaze at the Pacific from my hotel room balcony, I see the white caps that seem to be dancing endlessly I smell the freshness of the ocean air. I am home. My attention is turned inward to the room, where I see his brown skin in direct contrast to the white bedding. He still has strong arms and broad shoulders. Smiling, I remember our first kiss, the first time he and I were together… even the realization that what he did to me was far from making love. Finally, the hurt of being forced to walk away from him, because he had walked away from me.Today there is euphoria and no regrets. He stirs, his eyes open and he smiles.. that smile.

If I am honest, I do not want to endanger whatever it is he has. I can tell myself it is not right or he would NOT be with me. I am being typical, justifying my acts with excuses. It is fun, it nice, it is sweet being with him because he knows me. That gives me a sense of escape and transcends time. I will board a plane in a few days and his life will continue being what it was before I came into town. I will not expect a visit, phone call, or even a text ….any time soon, if at all. The very thing I had with him, that made me feel so many pleasant things for a few short moments, will not be necessary once we leave each other’s company.

As we both know very well, this is not complex. It could hurt some feelings, but if thought through there should be a realization that this is a simple exchange in the universe. Nothing but a primal instinctual desire, that has been fulfilled and now LIFE goes on. No residual damage, no new life. And because he knows me he knows all of that too.

Not As An Afterthought

“I was just thinking about you… ” The Big Lie; Maybe the thought was,” let me get you out of the way”. As days go by you don’t make contact and neither does the other party. The more time that passses the harder it is to return to the place the two of you last occupied. Whether it be old relationships and connections or new budding friendships searching for definition, ALL require investing time and effort. Anything less is not worthy.

The time; in our fast paced world the need for immediacy is understated but overly expected. We impatiently wait in lines for the wants and need of life and often become annoyed that others are ahead of us needing and/or wanting the same things we do. We are not quiet with our disdain either. The individual charged with helping to provide us with the desired object will meet with sighs, dirty looks and even verbalized disappointment.

Now translate those factor into this current discussion….your established relationship is moving on, changes have taken place. These are noticable and expected changes,but there is a thought process that believes/needs to believe that your relationship will have minimal if any affect. You have history together. You must remember your history placed circumstance and individual in different positions and roles. Your current situation calls for switching up.

In the newer fledgling relationship a comfort level MUST be established. From that comfort level trust will be borne. However, we have to bear in mind, we don’t know one another. We may not have had a chance to discuss our true wants and needs. The discussion of “deal breaker” has NOT come up. Yet, these uncharted waters still exist, just the same.

There we have it, so much anticipating, so much second guessing, so much left to our own devices. Effort enters the room.. how important are these relationships we are skating over? I believe each in their own right ARE equally inportant. The old established give you a sense of who you are, where you have been, some of the things that make you work. The new explores the possibilities, what you are curious about, what direction your are going in and who you are evolving into. Neither can be taken lightly.

If you find yourself feeling dismissed or being dismissive, STOP and take time to look at and evaluate what is going on. If you decide against doing this you have already decided what your answer is and the path your relationship(s) take.

Attentive

It translates as.. your time is valuable but mine isn’t, your feelings, wants, needs, desires count but mine don’t. How we begin is how we shall end. In search of relationships or to kill time? The fact is we humans are social creatures, and for the most part we prefer someone be in close proximatey to us.That happens by making contact. How important is that? What are we really willing to compromise, or give up in order to obtain that thing we so desire.

I find in the information age many (including myself) do not bother to utilize the tools at their fingertips. Oftentimes words are used out of context or simply incorrectly, in either case the simple solution would be to take the time to do the research before your use them. Social norms are ignored; simple etiquette and manners seem to be archaic. While the simple solution would be to put oneself in the position of an individual we are in contact with. We are all so arrogant and we have little time to spend on technicalities.

Thus you will find yourself reading information, notes, and sometimes personal letters innundated with error. We upset and offend at what seems to be a drop-of the-hat. How often do we really take time to proof read what we write, then spell check intervienes and we find after the fact( the item is sent) it does not say or look anything like what we intended. How often do we ignore, disregard and not concern ourselves with the perpetual “other side of the coin”. While your intention was NOT to be harmful or offensive, that is what happened. How would I/YOU feel if this was happening to ME/YOU? Sometimes those simple errors can be quite costly.

Paying attention to what you say and/or do may in fact take a little more time and effort but what you may save or preserve in the long run will likely be worth that effort. Caught off guard…. simply step back slowly and regroup before moving forward. Take the little things into consideration.

Do I Have To Tell You,”You’re Fired”

Late again. I watch the clock, I check my phone for messages..Nothing that gives the most remote indication you deserve a second chance. You are an adult, an adult who is conducting business. Why do I have to call you and verify you are going to come as scheduled. I have tried to give you an opportunity, I have given you a pass… a break on more occasions than one, BUT you are a liar and you ARE unreliable. You clearly do not care about the business you have, the job you do, or me the client/patron.

When you hire an individual to do a job you expect that party to know the job, be capable of doing it, and taking care in providing all that is entailed. From customr service to the performance of said job. You don’t want to be hard, you don’t want to be a cynic, you want to give folks a chance, even when your gut feeling is to go with someone else. After each disappointment you still find yourself justifying the poor technique or performance… after all the end result is satisfactory. Yet you have to admit with each so-called pass the next time seems to be worse rather than better. Your benevolence is truly being taken advantage of. We are,by choice, beyond the babysitting/ child rearing stage of life. We are looking for things to fall into place and be easier. Therefore individuals we HIRE to perform whatever job are expected to be reliable and self-sustaining. We are NOT looking for another responsibility. If I have to help you do the job, I may as well do it myself OR find another who is actually wiulling and capable of doing that job. So when you show up late and the door is locked, the office looks abandoned.. take note and reflect. When you ask yourself what is going on, look at YOURSELF and realize YOU hold the key, YOU are the answer. While it is too late for this opportunity, take heed and avoid the mistakes made here in order NOT to repeat them.

Vintage VeeJay

This piece is rated___, well the subject matter is for the mature, and mature is subjective. Therefore if you are not chronologically or mentally of age, stop reading now, cause you aren’t gonna understand.

Not worn out but experienced. There are things that the years have taught. The numbers are not nearly as important as the variety of characters. She does not “kiss and tell” only the next one that comes along will be privy to the secrets and talents she has acquired.

The “boy” was 55 to her 61, seemingly it was working. Amidst a pandemic they figured out a way to connect. He was a liar and she knew it. She did not care because all she wanted was a simple connection, anything more would have to be determined at a later date.

It is a challenge to be in the world of the singles when your classification contains a word that defines you as senior… when you are a woman the smiles and smirks are everywhere. It was almost comical as the scores of “suitors” proclaimed “age aint nuthin but a number”. However what made these “junior flips” think they could say, do or even be something she had not seen before.

The boy was fun and entertaining at first. As time went on, he seemingly had read a book or two. He even seemed to be on-top-of current events. This was becoming a distinct possibility. Then he began sharing secrets, saying things he did not intend on, he was becoming anxious. Was it the intoxicating effects of alcohol or was it her? Still for the purposes intended, he would do.

Clearly he was out of his league. She was experienced, he thought he liked that. Then the question of how many partners she had came up. This from a man who said/felt society placing unheard of requirements on a woman to be a lady was ridiculous. He was pursuing this relationship, this lady, this sexual encounter full-force. He tried to act like the double digit number did not bother him, but it did. He thought even though he did not say, ” some lady“. However, it did come out of his mouth. He was intimidated. He did not know how to view or accept a seemingly sexually free woman. Yet he longed for this woman who came off as intelligent, informed, and classy. He liked her look.

Truth be known she was really not that sexually liberated. By society’s standard, women are NOT to be free sexually. They must save themselves for marriage, and if not virgins have limited encounters. Double digit lovers, that is unheard of. Even though the barometers say it is NOT unheard of to have 1 lover per year after the initial encounter, until something serious occurs( committed relationship). No different than the woman who gets pregnant the first time she has sex, the result of the act was all that was clear, at least in visual terms. Her past had a variety of relationships, there were serious relationships, there were casual ones, then there was marriage and after the marriage the number stayed the same for decades, “till death did they part”.

After the boy blew it, he still could not stay away. He tried to recover from his ill-fated remarks. He did know the minute the comments left his very lips, it was over. Oh how he wanted to experience her and the vintage veejay that intoxicated his mind, body, and soul. Too bad, it WAS now too late. He would forever be left wondering what experiencing HER might have been like.

A Temporary Shelter

It was a calm day, taking on typical characteristics of summertime. A warm early morning with a clear sunny sky. Round about 11 it started happening, the temperature began dropping and that clear, sunny sky grew dark rapidly with it’s menacing clouds. Soon the rain began to fall, the wind started whipping and whirling, thunder claps, lightening flashes and we must not forget the hail…

The gazebo had barely been erected, the furniture was in place, final touches were all that remained. This entire space had been planned. The instructions claimed it was an “all weather” structure, it would be tested very soon. It provided a cover. The rain did not fall directly on the furniture, but as it fell more rapidly the water pooled. The weight of the water soon proved to much for the small hollow beams, the structure’s roof collapsed.

Much like the afore mentioned weather condition and gazebo, there was a feeling of security and protection in their friendship. Their time together gave a sense of safety and protection. It was warm and familiar. Then it changed, it evolved, it put a smile on their respective faces for very different reasons. There should not have been any surprise; for their “romp” was much like the weather which was unpredictable, and the gazebo that was dubbed “all-weather” Nothing that could be counted on and everything IS temporary. They provided one another with the required dynamic each of them needed. Shelter.

Then it happened the proof started coming into focus. She always knew it would not work, but now the signs were too enormous to ignore. In an instant, all the good feelings were whisked away. That, in and of itself, was the strongest indicator any hope for more was NOT possible. He had violated her in a way that he could not recover from, she would not ever forget it and she came face to face with those facts. He did not even realize it , because it was NOT meant to be hostile nor was it meant to sting. If it had been his way “they” would slow to a trickle and then disappear unnoticed. He was a conqueror and his friend had crossed the line, with his aid of course, now he simply did what he did. There are no innocents here, each moved forward with eyes wide open. The question now is, can their friendship survive the violation.

The Temporary Shelter is erected and waiting to received them, either one of them or both. It shall stand and provide what each needs, but those needs will only be met for a short time and then they will have to move on.

Cheaper To Keep Her Versus Simpler To Settle

I remember laughing as I listened to the word of the song by Johnny Taylor when I was much younger. Not experienced at all but aware of what was being said in an all-to-obvious way. Life goes on and situations occur, we see unhappy couples, unhappy marriages yet the relationships seem to be frozen in time. Same sullen faces, same arguments, nothing changes but the date. Coming of age in the “because I told you to” era left us with many questions, many questions we dare not ask.

As young adults we began to see clearly what Johnny was talking about. Now as we saw our relatives, friends and sometimes ourselves in the inescapable places. It was so easy to get into these places, but when it got difficult and we wanted to tuck tail and run, when we found an open door we also found that door maybe a trap. The sign read, “ESCAPE! At your own risk” . There was a small screen view/tiny print of “At your own risk”, some of us bothered to read/take note of the not-so-obvious warning, many of us just turned around. A few dared to go through and we watch long drawn out court proceedings, weekend exchanges of children, those same sullen unhappy faces we recalled from our sheltered childhoods. Even if the shrapnel of these decimated relationships did not hit us directly, we did feel the impact of the ricochets.

Now we see the by-product of what we have lived through or seen through-out our lives. The zombies who once were vibrant and challenging, now look exactly like their predecessors, the Cheaper To Keep Her generation. However, we have evolved we feel old father time creeping up behind us. We tell ourselves we have no choice but to comply. As we settle into “Unhappily Ever Afters” does it make it easier for us to digest what we are doing/what we have do/what we have created/what we have become? As we helplessly watch ourselves age, we reach for things out of our scope. We long to return, at least part of us, to our more youthful period. We want to be transported there, but we also want to hang onto the knowledge we have collected. We ARE resisting the inevitable, but fighting it pushing against it is hard. It seems only natural that we would opt for the easy way … Therefore, settling is now a much more viable attractive option. Yet in settling realize you are sacrificing the possibility/ies of happy . I still want to believe happy can once again BE.

Expiration Date Passed

So you pour that glass of milk without a second thought, the instant it touches the tip of your tongue you know. You search discreetly yet rapidly for someplace to relieve your mouth of this horrible self-inflicted invasion. Once the fluid is eliminated you move on and find something to take that bad taste out of your mouth, but that does NOT mean you will never drink milk again..

In your mind you think, “We” are the perfect match. We like the same movies, we enjoy the same foods, our religious and political beliefs and affiliations are in sync. While it is not always the basis for a relationship, but it is important, the attraction and sexual energy is REAL”. Yet, as you sit across the table from one another it is the unspoken that has served as a “roadblock” for far too many years. Once again it is staring you in the face

Traveling back to the beginning you realize the unspoken was the issue back then too. You think perhaps if this had been addressed, “nipped in the bud” so to speak, we could have moved forward and hopefully in the manner that YOU think you wanted it to. Now you are impatient. You are in a constant state of urgency…why now.. BECAUSE YOU have decided it was time or do you simply grow tired of something you never thought you could bring yourself to admit to. Think of the milk, as you decide the fate of this “friendship/relationship”. You are not good and making decisions when it comes to the two of you, you cannot even decide what to call what you are, or is it you are afraid to face what it truly is. Actions, not simply names, oftentimes define our interpersonal interactions and you KNOW this.

Now the data has been gathered, the timing is right you “dive into the deep end” without hesitation. It IS good because you are no longer seeking answers, but providing information. This is cathartic, soul cleansing and you do not have ANY expectations from this because ultimately you have already accomplished what you set out to do.

What follows is irrelevant. Yet prior to the space you now occupy these same occurrences would have urged you to continue in the fashion and manner the two of you had always conducted yourselves. Don’t be distracted or confused, instead embrace your decision.

For future references and looking forward, you will check that carton to make sure the expiration date has NOT passed before you pour a glass and drink from it.

Is This Love Or Want?

Trying to make a decision about this has been taxing my mind for awhile.

I remember the first day we met like it was yesterday, the smiles were permanently etched in my mind.

How could we ever know that decades later we would still have this personal intimate connection without being openly involved.

Seemingly we kept missing one another and in the midst of these “misses”, other people and relationships entered into our respective lives. Religious folks speak of “road blocks” appearing to spare one a more disastrous occurrence. So many unspoken words, so many missed opportunities. Yet we still remained in one another’s lives.

How many times have I imagined MY version of the “happy ending”. I see myself in the kitchen looking outside as I wash dishes. I see you coming up behind me, kissing me on the neck. The thought makes me smile. We are far passed the romantic notions of young, fit, beautiful adults, but sometimes when I look into your eyes, read your messages, hear you say certain words, it is easy for me to convince myself this is right, this IS meant to be.

As I catch these glimpses of reality, I ask myself, “What does HE see when he looks at me? I am NOT pleased at self most of the time so what can I hope to project?” I quickly dismiss those thoughts. I ONLY want HIM to want me…virtually nothing else matters. I fill the time we are apart or at odds, with others who can only buy me a meal or share a phone conversation. For HE is the standard that MUST be met.

My time with him is gratifying but it has not been sweet and/or endearing for a long time now. This is why the questions arise. How can I love a man who is NOT loving to me? Am I grabbing for the love or is it the “win”. is this the feeling of “want”? I will not feel more for him than he feels for me. As I live with the belief that if the situation that keeps us apart were different, he STILL would not choose me. So I say, ” I will NOT feel more for him than he feels for me.” I simply MUST believe that, and yet I know nothing could be farther from the truth.

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