hafacenturyncounting

Motivated by a lack of material.

28 Apr 2026

And I Almost Felt Bad

I passed the community room and caught sight of her thin slight image. Part of me felt sorry for this troubled woman. The other part of me only wanted to be rid of the individual who insinuated herself into my complex and proceeded to interrupt the peace and comfort one wants, needs, expects in the place they call home. I picked up the pace of my walk because I did not want to engage with her on any level. Yet I know and must face the fact that she had become a part of my life. Denial and ignoring her would not make her disappear from my psyche.

I did not ask for her to come to my place and attempt what she deemed to be a normal existence. I am naturally a suspicious person. You are not gonna walk into my presence and become a part of my life because we share a space. I am going to back up and observe you, I am going to analyze your look and behavior. I will likely make an escape from you and your presence cautiously.

Back to my soon to be former neighbor, she is being evicted. One might think I am cruel or cold because in my mind, she cannot be sent away too soon. I am also not alone in my sentiment. We, the residents who follow the rules, say to ourselves and one another, ” One down one to go…” Yet as you see this woman sitting staring into space, the compassionate human inside of you wishes it did not have to be this way. The truth is we all want and need to connect with one another. Human beings are social creatures. Some are better at making connections than others, Then, there are the ones who are downright terrible at connecting.

Where does that leave the bulk of us, in society in general, in a community, in a complex. If you knew that this woman was recently homeless living in her car, that she had gotten a break and able to have adequate housing, only to be faced with the same condition again. Would your heart bleed for her? Or would you ask more questions? If you did you would discover that from day one she began collecting trash and branches from trees to bring inside of her apartment and the building, you would find out that she has a dog that she does/did not have on a leash nor did she pick up his waste until she was told to, you’d hear about her taking things from her neighbors doorways because she wanted to, and how she smoked inside her apartment and outside the building too close to the entrances of a non-smoking community? These are but a few of the violations she as committed since moving into the community, less than three months ago. From a distance, where you are not personally affected, you can still hold onto that human compassion. However, when you find out that she has mental challenges, is on medication that she willfully does not take, the picture becomes clearer and clearer. One might say, she needs some help/assistance to intervene on her behalf…. or one might think what if you were personally affected. Honestly, I accept and realize we as adult humans can and will do whatever we think we want to do. To this I say,” Have at it, as long as what you decide to do ONLY has bearing on YOU. For once your actions interfere with another, you are guilty of violating their individual rights and YOU have no right to do that. If we all kept this consideration of others in mind, and my soon-to-be -former neighbor especially, perhaps she would not be faced with her current dilemma as well as other controversies.

Therefore, armed with some or all of this information one can understand how in spite of all of this, I almost feel sorry for her. Also understand I cannot wait until she is no longer a resident of the building, I call home.

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28 Apr 2026

Laundry List

In a search to find a compatible mate rather than checking off boxes, my list seems to be getting longer and more complex. I ask myself, “What is it you are trying to accomplish here?” At one point in time I did believe I knew. Now things are getting cloudy. As I go over the list, the feasibility is fading rapidly. The justification for the list and the criteria of it is becoming jaded. What do I do? Realizing the flaws do I continue, because in spite of the flaws and complications, it is useful.

Since I likened this list to the laundry, perhaps that would be a good approach. First, we must separate the items. In first steps the importance must be examined, for without the all-important first, everything else can be compromised. Therefore, this first step MUST be clear and concise. You need to know this process will put you in line for the goal. The goal is ever present and must be in clear sight. It may seem to those outside of self, this list is an ambitious and unreasonable compilation, However, I submit low expectations will undoubtedly yield unsatisfactory results. The details of the list are indelible in my mind. I do not have to write the list down because it is ever-present, when I meet someone even if at random.

What will one accept? What is satisfactory? How do you navigate past settling for? For me adding to the so-called laundry list IS my acceptance that I may NOT find the guy in the “criteria-based outfit” and since that is the case it is a HARD PASS is my choice. That is by-no-means an insult to ones who do not fit, but the fact remains, by my very own standard it will NOT work. No need to waste time and effort. Somewhere in our lives we do have to take what we say at face–value; mean what we say, stand by our convictions. This has to hold true regardless of the outcome not necessarily being positive.

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28 Apr 2026

Great Expectations Too/Two?

Responsibilities and requirements, who gets to assign these things to us? How did they obtain this power? Do we have the ability to take this away from them? Are we just to accept and follow? What about the ones we assign to ourselves?

Sometimes being present, available, and kind gets taken the wrong way. Positive gestures turn into perceived obligations, and one may not even be aware of this transformation. People who are close to you may take it for granted that you simply do this particular thing and it is NOT apparent to you until one day you don’t, because you can and/or you want to.

I had an elder cousin once tell me,” You cannot help everybody”. He was referring to a family member, and it was in regard to himself and his sibling. I remember thinking how selfish, heartless, and unfeeling one had to be in order to make such a statement. I also recall many an elder person state, ” Keep livin” when something happened that did not quite make sense occurred and I turned to them for an explanation or advice.

How do kind gestures turn into jobs? I submit to you all parties involved are good people. Yet, something gets misinterpreted and lost in the translation. One can help another time after time, but when the help ceases, they are looked upon as negligent. Rather than appreciate the kindness for what it actually is the recipient takes it for granted. The provider perhaps should have pointed out this was a voluntary favor. Why should that be? Are we so self-absorbed that now we do NOT realize and recognize that certain things do NOT have to happen. In a needy state we still have the audacity to demand instead of request. That which is important to you, is NOT always a priority to others.

Appreciation can be silent; gratitude should not be, but neither should be turned into more of a JOB than a kindness. That is never acceptable. Look at your “gifts” and identify the fact that they are just that. One day they may no longer be, what will you do then? Will you bemoan how things used to be, or wish for a time go by? Live in the present; behave and believe things change in a heartbeat but know for this moment you are happy that you have what you have. Depart from that Great Expectation and replace it with greater Thankfulness.

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27 Apr 2026
1 Comment

Maybe It Is the Screaming

On my very routine morning, I am walking my Tiana. There is a preschool/daycare center near where we live. In the distance you can hear the kids long before you see them. My Tiana is one who likes attention and she innocently likes the attention of children. I am on more of a purpose filled journey when I take her out. Do your business so I can do more/other things; that is what I want and expect to happen. Tiana is a Shih Tzu, so it does not quite work like that.

Like many people in my age group quiet is a place/ status I would rather be around. As we walked nearer to the school the loud squealing became louder. I was not disturbed by this. I expected nothing less. Now the children are in plain sight. They are running, jumping, throwing balls, dancing about, and making all kind of noise in the process. Running seems pointless without a sound coming out of their respective mouths. Nothing can operate quietly. Why should it? How would you be able to determine if this activity is fun or not? Do they have the secret to successful movement in their tiny bodies? Can their minds process that which we older folks have forgotten?

I watched them for a few minutes as Tiana silently tried to WILL them closer. I thought and wondered why they don’t lose their voices I knew the generic answer… because they are young and their young bodies have the resilience to withstand what children do. I do not begrudge these children or any child the blessings youth affords one. I still can clearly recall this type of fun. this type of noise and our delight when someone older was annoyed with our doing some of these same things (without them knowing it).

My mind took me to a place not so long ago, a couple of weeks as a matter of fact. My friend and I were visiting a place we thoroughly enjoyed in our youth and thankfully still do. I thought of how we chatted in line waiting our turn. We were full of anticipation, excitement and a little fear. We boarded “Xcelarator“; as it took off, we began screaming to the top of our lungs and for the entirety of the rollercoaster ride we continued screaming. When the ride ended, we were breathless, like we had run a race. I smiled and thought of that experience; perfect, planned out and paid for. Then my mind said these kids have all of that without the worry, concern, and cost. I thought, ” Yeah; Maybe it is the screaming!”

Posted in One For My Friends and tagged ,
27 Apr 2026

Looking Up

I feel so fortunate to be a part of the TallTour VIP group. I have to really think about how I happened across this family of fabulously vertical people.

It was early November 2025 I was on my Facebook page and a random reel showed up about a past Tall Tour event. I was curious so I “bit”. I watched and decided I would delve deeper.

I have been noticeably tall since 3rd grade when they (schools and teachers) had kids line up in height order to go to recess, lunch, and P.E. Being a tall girl is far different than it is for a tall boy (unless you are a super tall boy over 6’3″ in my opinion). Growing up I felt like I stood out even when I just did things that were appropriate for my age. I am 5’10” and I reached that height in 6th grade! In our society we attach and make assumptions on looks. If you are a certain size, it is assumed you are older because you could NOT possibly be that tall if you are only this age. Society treats us like we were born the size we eventually reach. So, when my contemporaries were skipping, jumping rope, things a 7- or 8-year-old would do I was looked at as being odd. Random people would say things like, ” You are too big to be doing that”. Also “big” was/is used (and thought) interchangeably with tall. I was in high school before I basically “blended in”. Then the assumptions about sports began.

My experience growing up is of course NOT what everyone experiences. Some may have been better/easier, some may have been more difficult. Perspective is EVERYTHING! However, having the “TallTours” come to be and to be a part of this community is such a positive, as well as a refreshing change. Before I ever physically attended an event each picture or video I saw brought an uncontrollable smile to my face. I read such positivity in the comments. The lights in the eyes of the people at the events told a story. A story I wanted to experience and be a part of.

Though I missed events that were closer to me proximity wise, I was finally able to go to my first one in Atlanta. It was PHENOMINAL!! As a VIP we get early access that, in and of itself, is worth joining at this level. I proudly walked up to the venue in 3.5-inch heels. I love high heels though “high heels” is subjective here. I had the uncontrollable smile as I started to see other people who were eye level and above to me. It felt like a homecoming.

We stood out and fit in all at the same time. It felt incredibly NORMAL and that felt strangely comfortable. As I looked at the people who were NOT a part of this event, it was amusing when they became aware that we were tall and there were a number of us. I chatted with my fellow “giraffes”, but I was taking everything in. I was thinking of what I expected versus what was actually taking place. Remembering literary works that addressed GIANTS, Gulliver’s Travels, The Story of David and Goliath in the Bible. A television series called, “Land of The Giants” and a movie ” Attack of the 50 Foot Woman”… I probably could go on with references but those were the ones that came to mind immediately and I snickered to myself.

Inside there was more of the same vibe. However, as we came into more exclusive surroundings we spread our wings of sorts. Moving about freely. We were approachable and accommodating. There were hugs and photos being taken all around. There was a sense of pride, and I must say some of the best-looking folks in such a space I had ever seen. Beautiful inside and out was very apparent. The energy was boundless.

I have two events under my belt and look forward to more; or should I say, “Looking forward to Looking Up”.

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26 Apr 2026

I Just Sat Down and Cried

Media is all over our lives. Everyone has a page or a profile on one platform or another maybe several. The point here is there are plenty of places to see what is happening around you with family, friends, associates, and strangers.

Times gets away from us in our busy lives. The calendar year may have twelve months, but I find myself gaging it by things that make sense to me in my world. My family member’s birthdays mark seasons, and seasons determine how quickly my year will go by. This was altered several years ago. The losses mounted and with each loss my center was changed. My life was virtually unrecognizable especially and perhaps exclusively to me.

The days turn into weeks, month, years, etc. It has been a decade since this tumultuous journey I am on began. Yet it still feels like the day it all began. I can still smell the fragrances in the air, hear the sounds and experience the pain. Sometimes I look at people who have had similar experiences, they appear to be better than I am as far as coping is concerned. I remind myself I only see what they allow me to see. I realize that there are many people who do not know me well, are not aware of what I have gone through and what I feel daily. On the surface I appear somewhat normal just as the others I spoke of do to me.

On a daily basis we go through the motions, and we manage to successfully do what is needed. The fresh psychological wounds are calm, at least on the surface. Like looking away as your doctor gave you an injection when you were a child; the pain was not as bad because you were surprised by it. We have grown slightly accustomed to them, we know they are with us and we function anyway.

A few days ago, as I scrolled through my social media accounts, reading posts, checking emails a series of older photos came up. I love photos, everyone’s photos, I quite naturally started looking through these pictures. They were of family vacations, graduations, and holidays several years ago. Years that my family was intact. I was not consciously thinking about how my life had been ripped apart. I was focused on the smiles and how clearly, I could hear the voices. My memory was transporting me to these places, spaces, and time periods without me being aware. Then it started happening, the faces awakened my awareness that these precious people of my life were no longer here with me. They no longer shared my time, space, and life in a manner that I could physically touch them, but I felt them. I felt their very being, their souls. I felt the losses all over again, I felt empty and drained. I got up from the spot I was occupying in a trancelike state. I walked over to my window and looked out for a few seconds, then I just sat down and cried.

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26 Apr 2026

How Many Times Before It Registers

My health and fitness journey began quite by accident. I was 15 and quite overweight. I had not gotten to a place where I could be happy with being tall. Therefore, being identified as tall and overweight was often just shortened to big. Exactly what a teenaged girl wants to be thought of as. I longed for invisible. I did what I could to NOT be noticed. It worked but NOT without incident.

Christmas break brought about a change that I did not see coming and it took a while to register. I was ill the first week and because I got a bike, my best friend and I used to ride to the beach nearly every day. Clothes “suddenly” were too big. I thought to myself (never would I say aloud for fear of my very life) my mother must have done something to them when she laundered them. I was delusional. Laundering clothing rarely (if ever) causes them to become too big. Shrinkage is the common problem. This thought pattern is a testament to the state of mind I had to have been in.

In a conscious sense, I did not realize I was overweight. I was tall/big, so that made my contemporaries appear little. I (never compared my big to their little. The proportions were enough of an explanation for me. It is funny how the mind works. It protects us even when we are not aware that we need protection. It took me years to realize that the individual I looked at in the mirror was internally the same being but on the exterior a transformation had taken place. Perhaps it was difficult to see because I had not been the one who initiated the change. It was nature, behavior and conditions brought about the change without my even noticing it.

Now as we enter another phase of life, growth and development manifest quite differently than what we became accustomed to. Growing older takes on a level of awareness that we do not want to accept. Things are going backward and slowing down. Just when we thought we had a handle on how life would flow, things were making sense, registering if you will our understanding changed.

We are left in a place that dictates we pay attention to the tiniest of details and at the same time we must not misinterpret those tiny details. Additionally, we must decipher which tiny ones actually count and which ones can be disregarded. How big should a small spot on our skin be in order for us to go into the doctor and have it checked for melanoma? How high should our blood pressure be lest we concern ourselves about heart attack and or stroke? Did I make the payment for my property taxes? We forget thoughts mid-sentence, we cannot find our keys, and we just laid them down… And we wonder why we forget “stuff”.

One would think it would be easy to slow down and take a breath, but when you watch more and more of your contemporaries deteriorate or suddenly pass away how do you manage that? I don’t have any answers, merely observations and things I try to practice myself. 1st realize the process of dying started taking place the moment we took our first breath. We have no more control of that now than we did then; barring dangerous and unhealthy physical practices (you know what you do). Next take to heart something we have been hearing in one way or another throughout our lives… “Don’t sweat the small stuff. AND it’s all small stuff.” If it seems remotely familiar then ask yourself, “How many times does this have to happen, How many times do I have to travel these paths before I get the gist of these simple concepts?” How many times before it registers.

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26 Apr 2026

And I Love Him…

Basking in the residue of time spent with him“; my body and mind tell me what I resist admitting. I AM a romantic and I LOVE “LOVE “. He simply is the personification of it. Therefore, when I feel the need to not just show him, but to say this it takes all that is within me to take hold of myself and STOP. STOP before disaster strikes. STOP, before I turn over my soul, my very being to one who clearly does not care about me in a significant way.

This is “middle school“. There he is. You see him navigating down the crowded hall between classes trying to arrive at his destination on time. You must do the same, but you chance being late to catch that glimpse of him. WHY would you do that? WHY would you risk YOUR wellbeing for a brief look at one who doesn’t even see you or know you exist?

40 years later you are back where you started. You see you developed a pattern, way back when you were developing. When you were becoming who you were going to be, you interrupted that personal growth for someone else. It felt good, it felt nice to temporarily be distracted from your own reality to become emersed in what was oh-so-pleasant. Then it ended or did it…

Life plays tricks on us; what seems like and ending can often times be a pause, what seems like love is merely a game or an ego trip (that door swings both ways). We find ourselves in the middle of the turmoil and confusion charged with the job of translating. Translating can be quite daunting, especially when you do not speak the “language“. Ill-equipped we push forward anyway with results that are often, at best, random.

For some reason that boy from “middle school” has once again invaded your life. Circumstances and sad coincidence put the two of you in the same place. The memories, of what was versus what ACTUALLY was, have blurred lines. It seems different, he seems different (4 decades tend to bring about changes). However, no different than before YOU see what YOU want to see, what YOU need to see in order for this thing that IS happening again make sense. What will stop YOU, who will tap YOU on the shoulder? It will invariably be him and your subconscious; these two elements are quite familiar with one another. “They” recognized this disaster from the very start, and “they” recognize this same energy now. Therefore, all YOU have to do is select the “correct door”. The door that will lead to what YOU want and what is best for YOU. They should be the same. They are not and against your better judgement YOU do what YOU did before, your excuse/explanation is it will be right this time …and I love him.

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25 Apr 2026

Just Like The Rats?

Several years ago…ok a couple of decades ago I read a piece about how rats respond to their environment. I was quite surprised by the finding. I had always thought of the little creatures as filthy, diseased, vermin. They incited a feeling of disgust and avoidance. This study, however, was suggesting that these rodents are products of their environment. It suggested that if the environment were to be changed so would the behavior of these animals.

I live in a senior complex (55 years old and above permitted). I expected that there should be peace, serenity, comfort and cleanliness. Much to my surprise, there were shortcomings. Retirement in a small city has afforded me a bit of flexibility. Flexibility with my time at first was barely noticed, but now I find myself going through the motions as though I actually have a plan or schedule to keep. When I depart from that delusional behavior, I put myself in a state that gives me gratification in doing something productive. For example, I see areas of concern that affects all of the residents, I promptly report these shortcomings. As you might imagine this is often met with mixed reactions.

Enter the perceived “rat-like” behavior. 80 units is not a very large complex, my expectations are high, perhaps very high. Some of my neighbors, while appreciative of having such a place to live in, tend to disregard others who live here. Not a great deal of loud music, this is sort of surprising because as we age and our individual functions break down. What we have an abundance of is mindless littering, because there are more than one or two individuals residing in a controlled contained area. The overlapping fosters an environment where my dirt can and will overlap yours, even if I am inconsiderate of the fact I am not the only one who occupies the area. This is especially true of common areas. Spills on the floors, papers discarded by merely abandoning them wherever one decides to leave them, hand and fingermarks on walls, elevators, and glass doors; these infractions while unsightly not cause for extreme concern (except when have a former cleaning business owner that is a basic clean freak). The thing(s) that disturb and concern someone like me are matters of health and hygiene in addition to the aesthetic. Our cleaning crew is inadequate by my standards (one lone woman who has 3 levels to clean). She misses a lot. When I get in the elevators (which I try not to) and I see where someone who undoubtedly lives here has blown their nose and utilized the wall for a tissue I am both angered and disgusted. I think, ” They are vermin”. Truth is they are worse.

When then overcrowding happened with the rats there was filth, disease, and rampant discord (fighting, some so violent death occurred). Now perhaps this is an oversimplified, even extreme version of society examined from a tiny cross-section (my complex). Yet all one has to do is see the similar pattern. My complex is not overcrowded; it is mismanaged and understaffed. Few residents care; they are happy to be housed. It is sad that we as seniors feel lucky to have the minimum requirements for life. However, that does not excuse or exclude “us” from behavior that has NOTHING to do with our particular stage of life. I venture to say when these individuals were younger, the same nasty habits exhibited were a part of who they were then, and this is merely a continuation of bad habits acquired earlier in life. Once again, the rats are still better disciplined and or behaved than people. The rats are responding to environment and circumstance, that is very different from making conscious decisions or choices.

My simple solution would be simply move. I certainly have tried to organize to give my neighbors a sense of pride and responsibility. I actually have done some of the cleaning myself. Perhaps they think I am crazy and disregard my words as the ramblings of a mad woman trying to make them do work at this late stage of life, when all they want to do is sleep, eat, and rock on the porch. In that instance they are exactly like the rats, stuck with no place to go and this is their way of dealing with it.

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13 Apr 2026

They Challenge Us To Be Better

We all have a person in our lives to make us aware of the right thing to do, even when we are NOT trying to rise above it all.

There I was ready to relay a story, but I did not have anyone to tell it to. Audience is major when you perform, present, relay information This was the second time in a matter of days that I felt this way. Another dilemma I faced was sharing and my story being misinterpreted. I had to be deliberate and selective. I knew who I wanted to share with, but the trust factor was undeniable. My other choices I felt would not appreciate the seriousness of the matter. However, I was about to burst!

I want to believe I am a good person. Harmless. If I cannot help you, I certainly will not harm you. Yet, I am well aware of the fact that I am very much human. I battled with the first incident. Each time I saw one of the individuals I wanted to share my story with, I kept questioning what I was willing to sacrifice. I actually like each of the people, but I felt unsure of how much I trusted them. I decided my story was better kept to myself. After all, if you were not familiar with the “players” you would have had to be there.

The next story was personal. It was all about preference in dating and specifically mine. I do not feel like I have to defend that and I am honest and open about that. Needless to say, most of us know when a person is interested in them. In spite of making my choices clear, I was still approached. Sometimes it is laughable sometimes it is annoying. This situation was becoming annoying. Yet I was not willing to simply cut ties. He simply held a job in an industry that I refuse to consider in looking for a companion. He said he was fine with being friends, platonic friends. He was also slightly arrogant. I took on the “you asked for it” attitude.

I told my story to one of my moral compasses, her reaction let me know that I would not share it or the other situation with the second person I held in high esteem. She made it clear she did not approve. It silenced me. I did not expect such a judgmental response, but she truly is a good human. I found myself filled with regret, regret in doing what I did and regret for entertaining the idea of the next step. She thought I was not happy that I had shared the information with her and I would filter future stories…nothing could be farther from the truth. You see she reeled me back in. I was not sure that I would meet with something equally bad, but she made me think about who I actually am. Unapologetic but I did feel bad that I was allowing myself to be reduced to that type of being. It did not matter how I justified it.

I returned to the first incident. I realized that I would just have to let it go. I also knew I really did not want to. Therefore, what I needed to work on was the desire to gravitate towards the negative. What I needed was my friend to shake me into realizing I cannot have it both ways. I cannot be a good person and continue to play in the not-so-good person’s area. She forced me to look at this in a fashion that made it impossible to ignore, and she also made me look at that individual i was at that point in time. I did not like what I saw.

We humans carry an assortment of emotions and attitudes, but if we are constantly pushing and placing the responsibility elsewhere then if things end up in conflict to our liking, we have to assume some responsibility. We don’t always want that. These good folks, these moral compasses, remind us of these facts. They truly challenge us to be better.

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