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Archive for the category “How We Relate”

14 Apr 2013

Personally, I Am Very Private

This is a prelude to a piece that will be included in another section on the blog.

Although I am not a celebrated author (here I go..) I can tell a pretty good story, I think my writing is above average, and if only by the sheer numbers I have produced some readable work. I missed the point completely, at first.  I couldn’t explain it, I couldn’t put it into words, then I stopped and thought about it. I was amazed in a way, disappointed in a way, but now I do understand.

In a world and in an era where everyone wants to be seen, everyone wants to be heard, everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame; I got a surprise. Now I was going to do a piece about someone I do in fact know, and I was going to try to tell their very interesting, historic story. I prepared to interview them, I had an idea how I wanted to do this piece, I wanted to tell their story as individuals, but I wanted my readers to know about them as a couple as well.

However on my last encounter when I reminded and inquired , of the husband, if he would be ready to speak with me on my next visit.  In a pleasant way he told me he did not mind me telling his story as long as it was not going to be “naming names”. He went on to say there were things he just didn’t want to talk about and then he asked(may have forgotten) what I was going to do with this information. I think we have a tendency to look at our seniors with kindness and pity, we view them as grumpy and not in control  but  what this does is deprive, whether knowingly or not, them of what they deserve most of all RESPECT.

While telling their story may have been okay with his wife, maybe it really wasn’t clear or thought through. I say that because once again I am dealing and in the same mindset, with a society of  folks whose taglines could easily be “HEY OVER HERE LOOK AT ME!!!”

The aspiring writer in me was surprisingly not let down. This would be yet another challenge, and I saw an opportunity to not get one piece out of this encounter but two. The first is this piece, drawing attention to the fact there are some private people left.  The second will be in the Fictional Accounts category. It will not be lacking in content.

Back to the matter at hand, I thought how fortunate I was to have these particular people available to me. I have always, since childhood, enjoyed talking to people I was junior to in a chronological sense. I also enjoy talking to intelligent people. Longevity, in the most general way, has to be given credence to some degree of wisdom one gains by the virtue of mere existence. I both respect and admire my friends who will be the subject of my Fictional Accounts story, I just had to be reminded of this.

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09 Apr 2013
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Why Do Your Children Hate You?

Have you ever asked yourself this question? As a wannabe good parent, I know every-so-often the thought does comes to mind. The arrogant among us say, “HELL no it doesn’t”. The realist know that no matter how hard you try there are going to be some”flies in the buttermilk” of child rearing.

After years of taking our own respective parents through changes they could not have imagined at our births, we are now the symbols of authority. Some of us detested the rules and regulations of our youth, some of us applauded the freedom from responsibility, but there were times when we were just not happy with good ole mom and dad.

The prom dress you couldn’t wear, the trip with your buddies unaccompanied by an adult more than 21 years old, the fast car they opted NOT to buy for you.  Did it ever occur to you that it was denied to you, NOT merely to make your entire life unbearable? Now your offspring has a tale or two that may need some of that same convincing about.

I admit as a parent I wanted to be more, give more, and in return expect nothing of my children but they have fun and  become responsible upstanding citizens, However, we humans are not made up like that. In order for us to become strong, we must struggle and fight. We must face challenges and adversity in order to rise to the occasion. Our character much like our bodies must be trained in order for that perfect form to emerge. Yet this is not what we are teaching and demonstrating to our young.

We indulge them, we make excuses for them, and when they do something wrong or incorrect WE try to fix things for them rather than make them stand up and assume responsibility for their actions.

We are, as parents, the perpetual “catch 22” in our minds. If we teach the hard lessons the hard way, we foster the idea that they will not love or care for us, we won’t be their friends. On the other hand if we protect and shelter them from these same hard lessons, when we are no longer here to fix the problems for them, they are angry at us for allowing them to be disillusioned and unable to cope.

They have no appreciation for what we have done, how we have sacrificed and why is that? I wonder if in their minds and cultivated since they were small; they consistently looked away, ignored, or missed the part where we said, “Now it is not always going to be this way, We will not be able to always fix this for you, EVERYONE won’t do this for you, because WE love you”.

To these same children, are we truly to blame? Are you angry at people who did the best they could for you; an individual with ever-changing wants, needs, and desires, who one day tells us to bud out  and the next days calls and asks to be bailed out.

From the first time we laid eyes on your precious tiny face we were in love with you. We knew our time to just be everything to you was short, we nonetheless cherished the thought of it while we could. Society, religion, the world tell us at a certain point in time we are no longer responsible for you; you must stand on your own, but dammit these sources don’t tell us how to just turn that love off. So we fight and battle and try so hard to get you to the point where you want to go, and get out there, and do YOUR thing. Without the “safety net” it is frightening and though others before you have done this, we did it, if you flinch or turn back to look at us, we still want to be there.

You are angry at us, but what if we were angry at you? Trust me it is quite unfathomable in most cases, because we love you so much what we house is hurt IF we think we slighted you in the most miniscule manner. We try to protect you from the outsiders and the strangers, but now in your disappointment and/or anger YOU  now act like the stranger we tried to keep YOU from, toward us.

What to do? It is simple fix it. Recognize the problem and do something actively or proactively. Yes it is hard it will be hard, but it is a learning situation and you all are collectively smarter than your parents. Finally, as an ending thought, realize this is all new and a learning experience for us as well.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , ,
01 Apr 2013
8 Comments

I Will See You… Forever

Since April Fool’s Day immediately follows Easter this year I felt compelled to write about something serious and endearing. The blessing Friendship. I invite you into my story and in turn take a personal visit to yours.

I have one biological sister and felt so happy when she was born, because I lived in a male dominated household. Growing up in Kansas City, I knew who Mike Garrett and Lenny Dawson were, long before I knew Diana Ross and the Supremes. I learned to like “Gunsmoke” because my choices were limited and I was generally out numbered.

I survived until my sister came some 11 years later, in a completely different geographical area, but she arrived just the same. Oddly enough by the time she and I came to know one another, I had already met two ladies that would become a part of my life and remain there. Barring some  periods of separations we managed to reconnect. During the separation another lifelong “sister-friend” came into my life and since the day we met only distance has come between us. When distance kept me from my west coast lifelines, one was literally dropped in front of me to keep me going here in the south. Confident and feeling like there was no more room or need for another “sister-friend”, and seriously not thinking about it, one came from out-of-the-blue. There are others;  diverse, special and unique in independent ways, I do not need to name names. We women know that there is a sisterhood among us that defies bloodlines. We know what it is to connect, I believe it is cosmic and it is Divine.

We have gone to school together, graduated together and we have worked together. We  have thrown parties and showers for one another. We were in each others weddings. We attended births of our respective children, we are the guardians and godmothers of these same children; and when one of us looses a loved one we are there sharing in that loss feeling the pain, but giving the kind of support that we have come to know. When you cross the milestone birthdays, the major events in your life and the same names, faces, individuals seem to always be there; you know you are blessed. Friends for life is not to be taken lightly.

Reminiscent of lionesses in the wild, we co-exist as a unit. Caring for one another and our young alike, major difference being we do not share our mates. The human, civil, genuine parts of us takes over in this respect.  We have survived a lot, we have survived it all. Today I wanted to take time out and give tribute to these wonderful ladies that fall into this category, in my life. They know who they are and they know I love them. Whether we see one another every day or a few times a year, we somehow pick-up where we left off.  When we part it is NOT “I will see you later”, it IS “I will see you forever”.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , ,
22 Mar 2013
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Sleeping With Anger and Arrogance

What a combination. Add a side of frustration and the recipe is complete. Yes it is complete, but who wants any part of it? Certainly no one who is in their right mind. Sitting around marinating in ones own emotional firestorm is not healthy, especially if it is a negative firestorm.

The intent here was to present two sides from two individual positions, but that did not happen. Sometimes writing takes on a life of its own and the words write themselves. In general, the writing here on my blog is outside observations which have my personal stamp on them because I am the writer. Other times I have to stop because it seems my personal stamp is covering the entire writing. I hope I can successfully turn this generic so publishing it will not seem like a mistake. At the very least my hope is it hits a chord that  gives a sense of “common ground”.

Have you ever watched someone sleep, or awakened to realize the one you were sleeping with was watching you? It is a disarming feeling isn’t it. You want to feel good about it because certainly you would not put yourself in such a vulnerable state with someone who meant you harm. However, the contrary may be the truth.

Think about saying your prayers at night. They are as much ritual as they are anything; but then if your implement a bit of hindsight you REALIZE that not only should you thank the Lord for waking you to see another day, but for protecting you through the night, through your sleep, through your most vulnerable time.

What made the anger appear? Why wouldn’t the arrogance succumb, so that the apology could soften the blows? However, with this arrogance there is no room to be humble. This fuels the anger that resides nearby. They are in the “throws” of a vicious cycle. My friend tells me, “I don’t want to hear any regrets”.  I arrogantly say,” oh there will be none”. What does she know, what does she foresee? Wait, I’m supposed to be angry…and I am just that.

Then to add insult to injury you wake up with one more frown line in your face, or one more headache. Perhaps you don’t wake up, because you were unable to sleep at all and this is cause for wonder…Really.  This is no way to live. Problems are resolved by getting them out there, and talking about them. They will not simply go way if you ignore them, certainly not at this level. Therefore, talk it out and don’t go to sleep with these two elements hanging over you head. It does not make for a restful night.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , ,
05 Mar 2013
1 Comment

Of Course It Is Noticed

Remember the first time she let you kiss her, or the first time he called you? These things are becoming increasingly passe’, however the feelings attached to them are not. Technology has made us strange and cold. People connect in the most distant and unattached manner. I used to look at my sons with disdain for not leaving a message when they got someone’s answering machine, but the youth of today would rather text than talk.

Under the guise of not having enough time for “this or that” we convince ourselves these disconnects are productive and we can get back to the human side later. The problem is if you let the human side alone for to long it suffers, becomes afraid, and departs. Like the texts that begin without a greeting, thrive for a little while and then drop off and disappear without warning. You see it happening, but have a built in repellent that makes everything okay.

Now she pulls away when you try to touch her, now he is far too busy to call to let you know he is thinking about you let alone running late. At first the changes are subtle, maybe excusable or explainable, then they become blatantly and angrily apparent,  finally they are as a-matter-of-factly commonplace and ignored. Here in this place of seemingly no change, the biggest change is taking place. Silent planning is going on and there is no sense of it in the conscious state.

The subtle changes take over as he sits at the dinner table with her and doesn’t hear a word she is saying, but doesn’t notice she is not saying a word. Flirty smiles from co-workers and kind words from strangers occupy a place in their respective psyche’s that would have otherwise been dismissed. Why, because of the disconnect.

Special people do not need to  mechanically hear they are special everyday; what they do need to hear it/ see it/ feel it  regularly enough that it does not become commonplace, and they are comforted enough by it’s presence that they know it is there without the reminders. When you demonstrate the way you feel do it in a manner that lets them (the ones you love and care for) know they were not an after-thought, but an ongoing existence in your heart and mind.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , ,
21 Feb 2013

What A Way To Celebrate

In honor of Black History Month I submit this with mixed emotions.

My facebook page has two stories that disturb me greatly. One is of an old man accused of and then  fired from his job, as an upper level executive, for racial rants and slapping the child of a stranger on board a Delta flight. The other story is of a nurse suing a  hospital in Michigan for obliging the request of a racist new father, that no black nurse care for his newborn son in the neonatal unit.

The story about the man slapping the child disturbed me because it seems as though his excuse was going to be the alcohol. Now there is an out-and-out denial. The hospital story had me reeling in the barrage of comments(and I added my two-cents-worth) ranging from “How could this be happening in-this-day and age?” to “I don’t want no blacks handling my kid”.

Law versus ethic, personal responsibility versus politically correct.  Yet people from both sides of this subject of Black History Month would both share the common question, “Why is it necessary to celebrate such a thing?” Here is why.

Our old “friend” racial prejudice is alive and well in 2013. This saddens me because I had hoped to witness it’s death by now. Yet in my lifetime, I realize this may not come to pass any time soon. Our society is becoming insulated to the mere existence on one hand, on the other we are hyper-sensitive, and finally we are in a state of denial.

The idea that an adult (or anyone for that matter) would have the audacity to say such ugly things to/about a child and then proceed to put their hand on that same child is appalling.The nurse is scrutinized and accused of being an opportunist for initiating a lawsuit. The lawsuit viewed as a way to make-a-buck off of a frivolous complaint?  Yet the hospital is excused for this particular action because they could have been liable for NOT complying to the father’s demands.

We are victims still, but now we have earned the title of perpetrator and opportunist. How does a victims receive justice in a society such as ours? A society that selectively allows success based on racism and race, but cries foul when laws and policies are enacted to prevent and discourages these practices.

Two stories but the same moral,” Fools who do not know history are destined to repeat it.” Wrapped up in our everyday life it is easy to forget and overlook, damaged by the hurt of injustice past and present we want to forget. However stories like the ones mentioned in this piece are reminders, reminders that we can not let our guards down. Our old foe is lurking about and still can be bold enough to launch an attack. The only way to keep him at bay is to be aware of his existence and not foolish enough to believe he is no longer harmful. What better way of combating a negative than to  disarm it with a positive. Celebrate our victories, contributions and accomplishments. Know you are worthy, know that you count, and remember it ALWAYS.

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21 Feb 2013
1 Comment

Why Won’t You Comb Your Hair!!!!!

Okay I am not a basketball fan but I saw a photo of a certain NBA player posted on my “FACEBOOK” wall, and I had to address this. He looked a “hot mess”. What happened to the days when men tried to look neat, presentable, let alone good?

I have to say it; you all overall, are better looking than the men of old. You have more available to you; more money, more products, more nutrition, why is it unreasonable to expect MORE of YOU! When the “natural” or “afro” was popular in the 1970’s men who were fortunate enough to sport that hair made sure it was clean, neat, and trimmed.  What happened?

I am not letting the straight haired fellows get away with this either. That “grungy”stringy-haired, bearded look is as unflattering on you as it is on castaway lost on a deserted island without the ability to shave and comb their hair, but at least being stranded gives a legitimate excuse.

People in the “limelight” are a big part of this problem. Athletes coming off the field hair all over their heads and faces, musicians sweaty and unkempt; but hey this is generally what you see right after they have finished doing what they get paid to do, playing ball or performing. Operative term being “get paid”.

Grooming is important. Many young people wonder why it is hard to get a job, but there are some basics that will stand the test of time. First impressions last. You MUST always put your best foot forward. I understand and respect your need to be an individual and unique, but not at the risk of sacrificing a livelihood for it. No one wants to hire a person who looks like they have no concept of what being neat is about. This segues into being unorganized and unreliable, Definitely qualities NOT sought after by Fortune 500 companies or any other company for that matter.

You send a message about yourself without saying a word.  Albert Einstein  was notably a genius, but he will forever be remembered for his brilliance with an addendum, his WEIRD looking hair. Dr Cornell West( mixed opinions must be noted here) brilliant professor, but you would be lying if you said his hair and beard did not catch your eye. Point being this look doesn’t work on the older guys either. Double Standard Alert; loads of hair on the head of a woman is desirable and envied, loads of hair on the head of a man suggests uncontrollable and wild.

We say, You can’t judge a book by it’s cover”, but more often than not when it comes to people we do just that. We let the exterior appearance guide us. You are never going to be exactly what everyone expects you to be, there is no accounting for taste.  However, let me point this out to you there is a vast difference in having long hair that may get out of place during the day, and hair that was never combed in place to begin with.  There is a clear difference in growing a beard and being to lazy to shave. You are fooling NO ONE!!  These afore mentioned things tell the world you face ; “I don’t care what you think” and “I am lazy”. Two statements that I can pretty-much guarantee will keep you unemployed and probably alone. I have yet to hear a woman say, “OH did you see that one with the unshaven face, hair all over his head, tee shirt, and ripped jeans.. that’s a man after my own heart.” No offer of employment will say, “Are you defiant, do you think only YOUR opinions count, is unpredictable a fair assessment of your being, then you are the employee we are looking for.”

Lenny Kravitz, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, Jimmy Hendrix, Kurt Cobain; no one would pay attention to their mere appearance now knowing the talent that rests within them, but we all did have to get to know them first. On your individual journey to greatness, stop by a mirror and make a few adjustments before you go off and make history.

Posted in How We Relate, Order of Appearance and tagged , , , , ,
20 Feb 2013

“Pity-Party” For One

Face it, at one point in time or another you have  been the guest of honor at one of these.  When you are told “it’s all in your mind”, no truer words could have been spoken in reference to the “pity-party”. For not only does it take up considerable time, it occupies a bit of space in your life as well.

In the process of being in this down state you not only throw yourself into that whirlpool, but you drag others close to you along for the ride. More of the same. This is a catch 22 , for when I could be most effective in writing this, I am battling to get out of this state and when I am in a good, positive mood I really do NOT want to revisit this time-period.

On a bright-sun-filled late winter/early spring day. I am going to take you there if you are not already, and I am gonna try to take you away from there if you are.

It was a whirlwind romance, you couldn’t have scripted it better then it ends without warning. You spend countless hours,days and weeks go by because YOU cannot figure out what went wrong.   Everything falls into place, you like the same foods, your tastes in music flows so well it is symphonic, you mutually agree to take it slow, but in reality you aren’t because this feels right OR you’ll be damned if anyone can resist you… then out of the blue she is in a relationship with someone else.

Face it folks there are people who” just get you”. Some are well meaning, some are not. When we gel and sync with another someone we call it Chemistry, when in fact what it might be is a simple chemical reaction. You may complete a lab, but that does not mean you will pass the course. Our society makes it seem as though there is a guidebook to finding a “soul-mate”. We want to believe it therefore it is so. However, such a guide is as make-believe as the fairy-tales it tries to direct you to.

My suggestion is to abandon that place you are in and go find a real party, a real place with real people. You would probably be surprised at how many others just left a place that is similar to the one you escaped from. Remember all of us attend these “pity-parties” occasionally, the difference is how long you chose to stay.

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17 Feb 2013
2 Comments

Was It Just Sex.. Really?

On an average day, with nothing in particular to do you look up and there he(or she) is. That someone from your past. Do you remember an incident like this?I am going to give you two scenarios. You thought the face/body looked familiar but it wasn’t until you saw the unique motion/characteristic; you fill in the blank here that you knew for certain. Your eyes meet, at this uncomfortable point in time you have mili-seconds to decide, do I pretend I don’t know/see this person, or do I acknowledge and approach. Well here you are not going to get that choice, because this person is approaching you in a amiable fashion and certainly you cannot be an ass. After being greeted with the open arms and hug you begin talking. You basically do not hear a word, you are smiling and nodding in agreement, for you are in another place.

You are waiting for your spouse/loved one and you hear your name you turn to the sound and there he/she is… Looking rather fantastic and gazing at you like the feeling is mutual. You observe every inch of them as the approach nears. Of course there is an embrace followed by a pregnant pause and seemingly it lasts forever, because you are in another place.

Who are these people are they passengers or just passers-by on our trip though life. Was it just sex.. really? Rufus did a song “Please Pardon Me” and it would be  my choice for the theme song of this piece, if it had a theme song. Look the song up if you don’t know it, but if you do know it and remember the lyric you will understand.

Human beings are sexual creatures;  we like to have sex, in many  instances we must have sex. If you tell a mental health professional you are not having a desire for sex and there is NO physical reason for this, he will promptly prescribe medication or at the very least take your problem/complaint/condition  quite a bit more seriously.

In our innocent youth an exciting, somewhat forbidden discovery. As we mature both chronologically and viscerally a choice to be enjoyed and controlled with our own individual discretion. Again  with time, progressing to the occasion treat or disregarded urge. Until finally we may reach the “psychotic” state, due to our physical or metal condition, of none at all.

Whether satisfying a human need or “making love”, it is a part of our lives and it’s role in our lives is changing. There are always the exceptions. The dedicated Christians who did in fact save themselves for marriage,  they have managed to and still remain true to their betrothed. The self-practicing/self proclaimed celibates, you can’t miss what you’ve never had. However for the remaining folks; stay healthy, happy, and active in it for as long as life permits.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , ,
15 Feb 2013

A Conservative Twist

Much like a spoiled child, whose behavior leaves much to be desired, is what one comes to expect from people who claim to be conservative. I have known a spoiled child or two in my life. I can honestly say I have lived with some. What they all have in common is wanting their way.

There is a sense of entitlement when it comes to them, but everyone else look out. They can see, point-out, judge, and ultimately disapprove of each shortcoming of other individuals. They are inconsiderate and massive complainers when the least of  difficulties comes their way. Yet, their solution to the ills of the world rest on the shoulders of someone other than them.

The unyielding judgment is plastered onto their faces like a tasteless tattoo. I watched them and have watched their faces as they are in the presence of this sitting President… they hate him so. It is sad. Get this people; if our infrastructure crumbles, if people loose their lives, if industry fails, they are okay with this as long as there is no positive light shed upon this administration and more directly on this President. I was not a fan of George W. Bush but hate him….. naaah, he was just another elected official we had to live through. Perhaps it is my tiny station in life that affords me the cavalier attitude, perhaps I am just not smart enough to understand, maybe it is gender or race based.

To watch the world change and be in a constant state of denial has to be a fretful way to live and that IS what “they” do. However, they must present to others this is not what is happening. Even if little things like facts and evidence prove, as well as demonstrate, otherwise. The metaphor of the rat backed into a corner comes to mind. Simplified the rat fights, he has no choice for he is filled with fear and it is a survival instinct. Think about that rat; snarling spitting attacking with all he has in him. Think of the person who got the rat into the corner, that rat has reeked havoc with its mere existence. The rat has invaded, contaminated, and destroyed. The rat cannot be left alone to scamper away for he will multiply and possibly/more-than-likely bring others just like him back. The obvious choice is, there is no choice, get rid of the rat once and for all. Now who is the rat though? Is  our conservative the survivalist fighting to live or is he the man trying to stop the on sloth/the impending invasion. The answer is easy he is the interchangeable piece.

I am the hippie who did grow up, I loved my time in the wild and return to it periodically. It is a good thing to have and be able to do. They on the other hand never had a childhood(or conveniently forgot it), an innocent-reckless-fun time and they are mad at the world because they missed it. They shall grow old, sour, and meaner alone; that scares the fuck out of them.  Therefore, they want to make life difficult on others for that is their existence; it is their duty and sadly it is their only joy. Truth is they would rather DIE then to see our nation be successful under President Obama. I say,” God grant them all their wish PLEASE!”

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