hafacenturyncounting

Motivated by a lack of material.

Archive for the tag “control(s)”

22 Jul 2013
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And The Guilt Rests Where?

It comes across my mind many times, on many occasions and in conjunction with certain events, how much we are products of our environments. This not necessarily a bad thing, but truth is we do have to work hard to resist the bad behavior we are often time exposed to.

Being a product of your environment sometimes affords you certain perks that you overlook and never think about, for when it is good we bask in the moment. Yet on the flip side; when denied something you want or feel deserving of and you cannot get, what does one do.

I came face to face with my bad several years ago and I live with it. I was very sad and disappointed to find yet another negative, most recently. Don’t misunderstand here pointing out these two particular instances is not to suggest this is representative of all my faults and shortcomings, this is an illustration and a cross section.

I sat in front of my laptop typing and I didn’t like what I saw. I never would have guessed this and had I not been in the midst of this wrongdoing I myself detest, I probably would have noticed. I didn’t see or pay attention to the signs. Distracted by circumstances I allowed myself to slip into survival mode and that also became my silent excuse for my behavior.

As human beings this is a part of what we do, we adjust and we adapt, it makes it possible for us to continue and thrive. However, sometimes the toll we pay for this survival is costly and I am not just speaking of monetarily. Starting this piece I touched on the benefits we received as being part of a certain environment, now we are exploring the consequence. That is why I used the word “guilt” in opposed to “responsibility” in the title.

My suggestion to solve this is, if you see after a considerable effort that things around you are not changing, you make a change and distance yourself from that undesirable situation. As an adult you cannot help where you come from, but you can chose to extract yourself once you discover you are not happy with the surroundings. If you don’t you will look up and a mirror will be reflecting your image, as that thing you were so unhappy and intolerant of.Then you will know where the guilt rests.

Posted in Order of Appearance and tagged , , ,
05 Jun 2013
4 Comments

It All Began With A Lie

Let’s talk about “skeletons in the closet”. It’s origins in 19th Century England, the phrase has been tied to of course the shame/secrets of an individual or family that would be disastrous if discovered. Also from a more literal sense actual discovery of a body in a wall or  other uncommon place.

Here I am on an early Sunday morning talking about something that has made people cower in corners or at the very least expect their entire lives will be ruined, FOREVER. Premarital sex, okay I will say it simply because it is true I had it. There now what? I will not detail whether it was a source of pain or pleasure, whether it ruined or made my life, nor will I commit to “If I had it to do all over again…” how would I finish the statement. I am off and running.

I knew there were laws on the books about premarital sex, they reside under decency and morality umbrellas. After a brief thumb-through I found there were some 18 states that went so far as to tell you what position you could have sex in, oral sex was forbidden in several carrying a sentence of up to 20 years in Georgia, and even one state(Nevada, but no wonder) telling individuals they must use a condom.  Oklahoma does win the “kewpie doll” as being the state which actually does forbid premarital sex. Yes I am going to make light of this because if it is left up to the state or anyone besides an individual and their consenting adult partner/spouse what position is/is not permissible, I think most would agree they would have not to make it illegal, folks would just throw in the towel and say “forget it”.  However, one might even find the offenders to be so prevalent the prisons would become a popular, and in some instances a desired spot. Okay I said I was making light of this so “lighten up”!

Now we have to touch on the religious aspect. Sodom and Gomorrah come to mind first, then we have the beloved King David. Those of you even slightly familiar with the Bible, know why these three were chosen as a reference point. Therefore it is safe to say people have sex; they have been having it for a very long time, they lie about it, but the truth eventually comes out. Finally the set–up is complete the skeleton, the law, and the Bible.

Pregnant, unmarried, under 21, and this is circa 1959 to 1964; if he’s a decent guy he will marry you whether or not it was his plan, but he just happens to NOT be.Now comes the reveal; it was a fling, you two were having fun, he’s married(or so he tells you) with children, and does not want more. The bottom line is, young lady, you are on your own. Your options are limited and relatively dangerous during this era.

The baby comes and you are bitter; your life is a struggle because you got caught when others doing the same thing did not. What you have done is a sin. Who will marry you now? You must put aside the thoughts of “YOU” and deal with the baby. At a time when there should be celebration of a new life there is an impending feeling of shame, despair, and doom.

Meantime, he goes on relatively unscathed. His children grow up with a father in the household, their mother his wife has the respect of her family and community. He got a pass, like so many others before him, like so many who will come after him. Sometimes he wonders about the young woman he was involved with, the one who was “tainted” because of him. However, he must cast those thoughts aside rapidly for HIS life could become undone should any of that experience come to light.

Yet there is a person left behind; a person who will one day wonder “why am I the only one who doesn’t have a father at the PTA meeting”, or a person who wonders “why are my eyes green and my hair curly when my brothers and sisters are straight-haired with brown eyes”. People wonder who they are, where they came from; it is this curious drive, the need to connect, that will lead them to and down a road of discovery, which may or may not end pleasantly for the parties involved.

In essence to say the man, the young woman, the predicament is one as old as the age of time is a gross understatement. Therefore, you either know of or have someone in your family who has a similar story in your past, present, or future. Judgmental people keep this story going; yes the cast changes, the circumstances alter a bit, but all-in-all the story is the same. One day there is a knock on the front door, a letter comes in the mail, or there is a phone call.  A closet door opens and here it comes, the skeleton, crashing down onto the floor scattering into hundreds of pieces. The lie is catching up. Be careful of the little seeds you plant in the dark, they grow, and appear in the light of day.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , ,
31 May 2013

Deep Dark Chocolate

It shouldn’t be any other way. I grew up loving chocolate. Hershey invaded my life very early. When there was Russell Stover’s candy in the house it was the assorted chocolate box; at that time in my life all I knew about dark chocolate was it was the last candy I would eat, and that was through sheer desperation. The one exception,  which by the way still remains in tact, was OREOS. I cannot say enough about those cookies, so I will only say you love um or you’re not all there.

Time moves on, you grow and you tastes change, but my love of  milk chocolate remained pure. Pure, really, milk chocolate is cocoa in one of  it’s most processed form. I  do have to give honorable mention to the so-called white chocolate and it’s rich texture, even though the extreme sweetness over takes any substantial flavor. Now as our waistlines increase and blood pressure rises, we all know that dark chocolate has a hosts of positive affects. Yet it is difficult to equate good to you and good for you when we think of this decadence. We ladies for the most part crave this, our chocolate love or love of chocolate.

A few nights ago it hit me, I was in the mood for something sweet, I didn’t know what so I figured “go down the cookie aisle and you will find some chocolate love”. I fought and resisted the urge to go on and pick up the familiar blue package with the picture of the most beautiful cookie on the planet. There are no secrets or surprises there, no challenge, plus if all else failed I knew where I could get satisfaction.

Instead I reached for the milk chocolate creme filled Milano, for reasons unknown. I had them once before and felt they could take care of this wanton desire. I couldn’t wait until I got out of the store before I had ripped open the package and quickly bit into one. There it was nothingness and disappointment all in one blow. The cookie tasted “brown” not chocolate. It was sweet but clearly not enough cocoa was put into this recipe. I struggled through another bite but had to resign myself to”this was a mistake”. The only thing to do was to run back into the store and indulge myself.

However, I resisted and moved on but was this a success? I must ask because here we are 7 days later, and there is the need to talk about how unfulfilled I felt after that encounter. Delving deeper and deeper into the “chocolatety” question, I ask what is this truly about. How would I rank my chocolate love; experience(what I prefer), expectation(what I think I prefer) or pattern(what I have in actuality preferred) the answers would all be different. Although if you read me(literally), that revelation should not surprise you in the least.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , | Leave a comment
29 May 2013
2 Comments

A Shoulder Tap And A Whisper

Just so you know there are other posts waiting to be published but this took precedence over them, for anytime I can sing (not literally cause I am tone deaf and “rhythmless”) the praises to God I do. He has been here for me when I did not know what would happen next and did not know where to turn. He has failed me not. I am His child, and flawed as all of us are, yet He loves me just the same. Through my arrogance and stubborn streak, through my recklessness and disregard, He is the rock upon which I can rest and rely.

Throughout my religious ventures, and by this I mean wandering from place to place and denomination after denomination, I have heard many a parable about how God makes His presence known. “He may not come when you want Him, but He’s always right-on-time!” I have experienced it many times personally. Today I want to remind all of you and prompt you to look back if things are alright in your world today, or to look forward and up it things are not.

He is said to be a jealous God, thus(and I am paraphrasing here folks) there is no room for worshiping and/or admiring any other like you do Him. Yet his love is unmistakable.  Defy Him and He will get your attention and it won’t necessarily be with the Earth shaking or a thunder clap, but to you it will impact you with that same power. Suffice to say He will not be ignored.

Next time you are broke and you find  money in the street or someone somewhere sends you a little something out of the blue, next time you are sick or are in so much physical pain you wonder why and how you are conscious  then suddenly the medication starts to work and you have trouble recalling that very same pain; recognize what has taken place, stop what you are doing and say a prayer to give thanks, for God has helped you to make it through. He does all that He does without announcements, without a parade, without lights and/or cameras; it is done with a soft tap on your shoulder, and with a whisper in your ear He says, “I got this”. Believe it, because it is so, and because He does.

Posted in Ecumenically Speaking and tagged ,
19 May 2013

Enough Said

When you have been hurt or disappointed in life by an individual, often time all you see or can concentrate on is you. As an after thought and in an effort to NOT wallow in self pity try this.  Take on the role of the one you are upset with and use the “pro-con”method to see what you end up with. Then think about where you go from here.

You are angry with me, but you won’t say a word. I am choosing to accept what I see. I say you seem upset you say you are not, there may be a bit of sarcasm but I am taking you at your word. I don’t know you any more, truth is I probably never did. Are you being honest with me now, have you ever been, moreover have I been honest with myself. Now I want answers. Pride  will not allow me to assume full responsibility for even the things I know I have done. I want to move on and move forward, that does not mean anything beyond what I just said, nothing is implied there are no undertones. This is face value time and if you accept this then it means you must be accepting it with no conditions; like you have in the past and in the way I have always been able to convince myself that you have been okay with. End dialogue.

No one knows you better than you know yourself and as scary or lonely as it may seem, it is better to be true to yourself than to end up with a load of regret(s). Battle with selfishness here; consider the others who may be involved and could be affected as well. Where you go from here is ultimately your choice, the ball is in your court. However, the truth is, it has always been.

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07 May 2013

All Because You Didn’t Marry The Prince

Perhaps some of you weren’t “his” princess either. Who is this mysterious “man”, well he is different for each of us, but simply he is YOUR particular man. I don’t think men are looking for those types of women(princesses). They do search for an ideal mate and when I say ideal, she cooks, cleans, has babies, retains her figure, is smart yet non combative, and did I mention her libido is in direct sync with his. This is a personal assessment and observation of several  men I know/have known.  We on the other hand ask for little, as demonstrated by our requirements which are much less; we only ask he be handsome, rich, and adore the ground we walk on.

Funny thing about a brain, it sometimes  makes you an independent thinker on a number of levels.  Many years ago you fell madly in love, if memory serves  correctly, it was wonderful. You have to laugh as you recall the time, because it is not real clear now. It is amazing that something that was so very important in your life, has take such a backseat now. Anyway you fell in love and then as time went on, you fell in love again. It happens the problem arose when you discovered, this is not a fairy tale. That was a hard pill to swallow; because he certainly looked like the prince, in short periods of time he acted like the prince, but ultimately he couldn’t pass the test. Sometimes we look directly at something and know we shouldn’t cross that path, but we do it anyway.

So now you are in the dungeon or is it the tower, well you cannot escape in either case. What now? You wait for the prince to come along and rescue from the dragon I mean the prince.. wait a minute. Is it the prince rescuing you from the prince or the dragon. Is the prince the dragon or is the prince rescuing you from himself? If you aren’t confused you should be. You are sitting there waiting for an answer, when you have it you hold the key. Unlock that door and walk right out of that place, go where you feel you are wanted and where you need to be.

Posted in Order of Appearance and tagged , , | Leave a comment
07 May 2013

Hellacious Pursuit

To start the week off we need to be motivated. This charges a writer to say some things to jump-start individuals. However, this can present a problem because writer’s have to start the week too, and Mondays are Mondays for writers as well.

Wanting to be read you do not want to be typecast. You want to be taken seriously, but in your head there is a target audience. They are the target, because you put that target there. It is set in your mind this type of person will read me, I am speaking to their soul, their very being, or simply I write about what they like/like to do. People need to read happy, in order to feel and be happy. How much happy do I have to “divi out” without seeming insincere or becoming typecast is my challenge?

The hellacious pursuit begins as the search to find something interesting to say about an interesting situation, all while periodically taking my own personal feelings out of the equation.I have to be speaking to you, my readers. Realize I must interject self in these writings because this is where you get my “voice”, which is a representative of my mind, and without that these pieces are merely conjecture. This title was a bit of a play-on-words  to imply the darkness or demons associated with HELL.

There are demons that are chasing me when it comes to writing. I call them that because my writing bugs tend to bite me when my time is limited and I am forced to make the decision; to go do what keeps me fed and housed, in opposed to what I love to do and frees my mind. The pursuit is ongoing to find balance and to reach that place where symmetry will reign supreme. Better works to follow once I arrive there.

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05 May 2013
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Taking It Slow

If you have ever done something you are not quite proud of, if you have ever wronged someone, if you have ever asked for forgiveness, struggle with me though this for a minute or two. What if YOU believe you have actually NOT done anything wrong and were justified in your actions, but time has soften you to the point where there is a willingness to talk, a willingness be approached.

This is not going to be very long, I think because uncomfortable things have tendency to make you squirm and give off the feeling of”I need to break and run”. No exceptions taken here. Whatever category you fit in, I think the most important thing you can do is have no expectations. The only thing you have control over in these situations is YOU. Therefore,  if you are honest with yourself, you are going to have to understand where you are, may not be where the other person is at this particular point in time.

If you are one of those “sensitive types” like myself, YOU are only willing to be vulnerable for really short periods. Speaking from experience I know that being sensitive, as far as oneself is concerned, does not always translate as sensitivity towards other, and that is especially true in the situations we are touching on. Also, being sensitive affords you the ability to know how to be cruel and vicious. While we all are capable of this, “sensitive” people cut to the bone and then they turn the knife blade. All the more reason understanding “you factor” is paramount here.

Now lets go over this in order for YOU to get it.YOU don’t get the control. YOU don’t get to direct, all YOU get to do is to participate and YOU only get to take part, when it is determined by someone else along with YOU, it is alright to do so. Sometimes YOU do have to leave well-enough, alone.

Posted in Quickbits and tagged , ,
03 May 2013
2 Comments

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Tell me lies… can you hear Stevie Nicks’ voice? I remember that Fleetwood Mac Album and I say remember like I don’t have it, although I do. I haven’t played it in years and why should. I basically I can go to youtube, pull the song I want to hear up, and move on. If it strikes a chord in my soul I will go and play it on the stereo.

Music transports us to the places we have been and the places we want to be. Time is meaningless and virtually stands still. Our fabulous musicians say what we want to say and give our words such a beautiful melodic translation; in spite of the fact the words we are hearing belong to them, at the time. It doesn’t take away from the fact that we are feeling those same words.

Alright, how about a little bit on “pillow talk” and how the sweet little lies get tangled up in these conversations. I spoke to an “authority” and he shared his wonderful insight. He says he is being kind. Naturally, I want further explanation. There you are somewhere between dawn and daylight something makes you aware of the other soul close enough to touch and perhaps you are actually touching.  Your eyes meet, you cannot look away or roll over, you may want to but that just wouldn’t be right. A smile may be enough but that mouth of yours takes over… How many times has “I love you” or “You are so beautiful” slipped through because of the awkward moment. Then once you’ve said it no matter how you want to escape you know you have dug yourself a deeper grave.

Sometimes the silence is deafening and therefore in these instances it may seem that there is call for the lies. Resist, smile, and rub  your companions shoulders instead.  If you do you may face the same dilemma later, and perhaps you will then be better equipped.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , ,
20 Apr 2013
1 Comment

The Way I See It

GreatExpectations; This is not a typo this is the way I think this feeling I am wanting to express should be conveyed singular and large. After waking up a 4 A.M inflection and self-discovery was on my mind.

I am a morning person, but there is something terribly wrong about getting up when it is still dark. I have gone through periods where my sleep pattern seemed to be altering itself. I also do need some alone time, I believe writers need this time for clear uninterrupted thoughts. Good luck with this if you have a cat.

I spent some time surfing the internet and listening to music. I saw a couple of things I felt were speaking to me directly. It felt like , when you go to church and the message the minister is conveying  is JUST about you or directed at you.

I wanted to dance, but I have no rhythm.  Was is unreasonable to  expect you to teach me or even know I wanted to learn? I am overweight, the diets have failed. Why haven’t you encouraged me to get fit? I want to make love. When are you going to touch me? GreatExpectations.

Is there no end to the arrogance of man? Note,”man” NOT A MAN.  I ask because of the thought “he who has done great things”, does not necessarily make him great and the perception should not be as such. Perhaps answering some basic questions can answer questions for you, yourself. One must learn to take ones accomplishments in stride. You must realize that you are only a portion of any one thing you do achieve or fail to achieve. I am not undermining or understating that which you have accomplished which is good, but there have been some pitfalls alongside the win-falls. Therefore the defeats must be given the same consideration.Thus taking things in stride.

Varying degrees and levels, varying strengths and weaknesses, yet we expect things to turn out our way, the right way as we see it. If you experience something difficult and you survive it, then you see someone else with the same challenge in their life, but they are not having the success you did, what thought comes to you first? Success or failure you have to take the outside forces into account. None of us has or is a “cure all”. Remember this next time you prepare to “dive into a situation and become aware that you have no oxygen tank”.

Posted in Order of Appearance and tagged , ,

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