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Archive for the tag “aging”

16 Jun 2013
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June Gloom

Southern Californians know this term ever so well. It is a reference to the cloudy gray mornings we experience during the early summer month. This particular June as I sit in my Georgia home I am experiencing the gloom for another reason. I am suffering from a case of change with complications arising from loss.

I often have spoken of change and how we have to embrace it for there is no progress with out it and so-on. I am telling you that I am resisting the changes I have experienced lately with unrelenting determination. I want so much to retreat to that which is familiar, I need my safe haven, and I want to return to that which I know.

Earlier in the week I was told of the passing of a long time friend of my family. A lady who I have know for some 20 plus years. I went to school with her children, watched her grandchildren become adults and parents themselves. She is a part of my history, those of us who grew up on 107th Street have a connection the equivalent of a bloodline. She was a neighbor, she was a friend, she was family and she IS loved.

Not 24 hours earlier I was calling to check on my dear friend, who I haven’t known as many years, but in emotional ties the bond is unquestionable, only to be told she had suffered a fall which hospitalized her and the prognosis is NOT what I would want it to be. Her children a source of pure joy, her seven grandsons jewels in her crown of pride, and of course her best friend/ companion/ love for 65 years; I do not have words to express what it feels like to be in the company of a life fulfilled, after knowing this lady for such a short time. I shared a little prayer I say when I am drawing on my faith with my dear friend’s precious daughter.  “Not my will oh Lord but Yours”.

Trying not to cry, I want to say something about these two ladies I love. I feel so fortunate and blessed to have had them in my life. I don’t question the Lord but I do wonder what did I do to gain such favor to have Him put these special people in my life. Unfortunately, I would be lying if I said I completely understand why He decided to take them from me when He did.  I know there are Christians who would tell me that I am toying with the “Wrath of Hell” saying such things but God is all knowing..  Therefore He is quite aware of my state.

God gives us balance, not everything is one way, although at times we cannot see beyond our circumstances. My younger brother reached his milestone half century mark, thankfully he joined the ranks of us that talk in decades instead of years, and laugh about it. Father’s Day is  less than an hour and a half away on the east coast; a day when we pay homage to the men in our lives that have inspired and supported us like no other. All this midst “June Gloom”.

All of these things are/have been made possible because of God. Tonight when I say my prayers I will thank Him for all he has done for me, blessings He has bestowed, people He has put in my path, and I shall ask Him for strength to endure the things that present themselves to me that I think I would much rather not encounter. Tonight I will ask Him to care for these two beautiful ladies and their loving families in ways only He can. Through all of this I know I will be okay with time, but I know one day someone will be praying for me because it may NOT seem as though I will in fact be alright on that particular occasion.

In closing,”Trust in the Lord”.

Posted in Ecumenically Speaking and tagged , , , ,
11 Jun 2013

Chili Dogs, Lemonade, and Waffle Cones

Yes summertime is here! The temperatures indicate it and my cravings confirm it. Before 10 A.M. I am thinking about my favorites. Now mind you I haven’t had a chili dog in about a year, because as much as I love hot dogs I know the nutritional value is null and void, plus you have to factor in the addiction quality and the ever expanding waistline. The waffle cone and lemonade, well that’s a whole different story.

Food memories taking you back to a place you may miss more than you know. Today I feel like frozen yogurt for breakfast, not because we ate frozen yogurt or ice cream for breakfast, but it takes me to a place where someone who would think of such a menu would not be deemed as shocking or irresponsible or even silly. Plus with the frozen yogurt I can excuse and substitute to a point, where my analysis/explanation actually makes sense.

Remember when three months out of the year all you had to do was go outside, play, and not destroy anything; at least anything that could be traced back to you. Along came adulthood and responsibility to mess everything up.  We have to eat right, obey rules, and go to work for the pleasure of being tied to this rule infested place.

We are “little kids” trapped in a land that offers certain freedoms on one hand, but those same freedoms are hidden by walls of responsibility. Summertime weighs heavy on our minds. Two weeks or even a weekend is a sought after commodity, but it is clouded by the rapidly approaching end, that is clearly in sight. Yet for whatever time we have we wear outfits a bit too tight and too young, run( or a reasonable facsimile there of) around the water in “speedos”, and drink stuff that gives us way more than a “sugar high”. Well so…  We are charter members of the IDGAK Club. After all what good does it do you to live a long life, if you don’t stop and have a chili dog along the way.

Posted in Quickbits and tagged , | Leave a comment
05 May 2013
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Taking It Slow

If you have ever done something you are not quite proud of, if you have ever wronged someone, if you have ever asked for forgiveness, struggle with me though this for a minute or two. What if YOU believe you have actually NOT done anything wrong and were justified in your actions, but time has soften you to the point where there is a willingness to talk, a willingness be approached.

This is not going to be very long, I think because uncomfortable things have tendency to make you squirm and give off the feeling of”I need to break and run”. No exceptions taken here. Whatever category you fit in, I think the most important thing you can do is have no expectations. The only thing you have control over in these situations is YOU. Therefore,  if you are honest with yourself, you are going to have to understand where you are, may not be where the other person is at this particular point in time.

If you are one of those “sensitive types” like myself, YOU are only willing to be vulnerable for really short periods. Speaking from experience I know that being sensitive, as far as oneself is concerned, does not always translate as sensitivity towards other, and that is especially true in the situations we are touching on. Also, being sensitive affords you the ability to know how to be cruel and vicious. While we all are capable of this, “sensitive” people cut to the bone and then they turn the knife blade. All the more reason understanding “you factor” is paramount here.

Now lets go over this in order for YOU to get it.YOU don’t get the control. YOU don’t get to direct, all YOU get to do is to participate and YOU only get to take part, when it is determined by someone else along with YOU, it is alright to do so. Sometimes YOU do have to leave well-enough, alone.

Posted in Quickbits and tagged , ,
27 Apr 2013
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It’s All About “ME”

The title implies, that is which  is true. Call me selfish, because that is exactly what I am.  I am also a deceptive being who hides behind things; my feelings and emotions lurk just below the surface, yet a very primitive thing gives me away, The Look Upon My Face.

When you raise a family your obligation is to them first and foremost.  However, as time goes on things progress and suddenly everyone is an adult and they are living their life, now there is you left. Maybe you missed your chance earlier in life for that self-discovery. It is not too late.

I suggested to my children they live alone before the responsibilities  of  being a spouse and father took over in their lives. I think everyone needs to try to get to know “self” first. I did this and my time as a single adult was a happy time. However, I have come to realize that the individual I came to know and like quite a lot, was not a person who would fit into my current living condition. Being alone does not teach you to share and put any need above your very own. In the real world there are going to be others around you. Never before has “No man is an island” held more true.

Lately, I have been on a mission to get into a condition that I feel is more palatable to “ME”. I feel closer than ever to attaining that goal, and I do attribute it to the fact that I am allowing myself to do something for “ME”. “Rock Hard Abs” here I come. Pictures to follow!

In closing I want to caution you against going too far in the other direction in your quest to care for  and/or love your individual “ME”. Do not become obsessive in this new self love; follow this rule as always “nothing to excess everything in moderation” and you cannot go wrong.

 
Posted in Order of Appearance and tagged , ,
09 Apr 2013
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Why Do Your Children Hate You?

Have you ever asked yourself this question? As a wannabe good parent, I know every-so-often the thought does comes to mind. The arrogant among us say, “HELL no it doesn’t”. The realist know that no matter how hard you try there are going to be some”flies in the buttermilk” of child rearing.

After years of taking our own respective parents through changes they could not have imagined at our births, we are now the symbols of authority. Some of us detested the rules and regulations of our youth, some of us applauded the freedom from responsibility, but there were times when we were just not happy with good ole mom and dad.

The prom dress you couldn’t wear, the trip with your buddies unaccompanied by an adult more than 21 years old, the fast car they opted NOT to buy for you.  Did it ever occur to you that it was denied to you, NOT merely to make your entire life unbearable? Now your offspring has a tale or two that may need some of that same convincing about.

I admit as a parent I wanted to be more, give more, and in return expect nothing of my children but they have fun and  become responsible upstanding citizens, However, we humans are not made up like that. In order for us to become strong, we must struggle and fight. We must face challenges and adversity in order to rise to the occasion. Our character much like our bodies must be trained in order for that perfect form to emerge. Yet this is not what we are teaching and demonstrating to our young.

We indulge them, we make excuses for them, and when they do something wrong or incorrect WE try to fix things for them rather than make them stand up and assume responsibility for their actions.

We are, as parents, the perpetual “catch 22” in our minds. If we teach the hard lessons the hard way, we foster the idea that they will not love or care for us, we won’t be their friends. On the other hand if we protect and shelter them from these same hard lessons, when we are no longer here to fix the problems for them, they are angry at us for allowing them to be disillusioned and unable to cope.

They have no appreciation for what we have done, how we have sacrificed and why is that? I wonder if in their minds and cultivated since they were small; they consistently looked away, ignored, or missed the part where we said, “Now it is not always going to be this way, We will not be able to always fix this for you, EVERYONE won’t do this for you, because WE love you”.

To these same children, are we truly to blame? Are you angry at people who did the best they could for you; an individual with ever-changing wants, needs, and desires, who one day tells us to bud out  and the next days calls and asks to be bailed out.

From the first time we laid eyes on your precious tiny face we were in love with you. We knew our time to just be everything to you was short, we nonetheless cherished the thought of it while we could. Society, religion, the world tell us at a certain point in time we are no longer responsible for you; you must stand on your own, but dammit these sources don’t tell us how to just turn that love off. So we fight and battle and try so hard to get you to the point where you want to go, and get out there, and do YOUR thing. Without the “safety net” it is frightening and though others before you have done this, we did it, if you flinch or turn back to look at us, we still want to be there.

You are angry at us, but what if we were angry at you? Trust me it is quite unfathomable in most cases, because we love you so much what we house is hurt IF we think we slighted you in the most miniscule manner. We try to protect you from the outsiders and the strangers, but now in your disappointment and/or anger YOU  now act like the stranger we tried to keep YOU from, toward us.

What to do? It is simple fix it. Recognize the problem and do something actively or proactively. Yes it is hard it will be hard, but it is a learning situation and you all are collectively smarter than your parents. Finally, as an ending thought, realize this is all new and a learning experience for us as well.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , ,
01 Apr 2013
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The Joke Was On

Many years ago one might do things without a second thought; now when you look at the world around you, do you have second thoughts.

Life is so serious that we do not have time to laugh and play, if you will. Yet I submit to you, what is a world without room for fun and games. These things that provide us all with an outlet, an actual place for laughter.

I enjoy comedy as much as anyone. I have watched it evolve to a level that the new generation of comics do not believe they can entertain you without being vulgar or mentioning body functions repeatedly, out-of-the-blue, and with little or no pertinence. However, I still do love to laugh and will continue to look for/to this outlet for my regular smiles.

In a time meant for seriousness, when one should be well aware of what one is doing. You enter into a situation haphazardly, but you have no idea what the ramifications of this cavalier approach will have until much later. You didn’t think it would go this far or last this long, but it did and now you ask yourself the question(s). Was I serious? How could I think this would be alright? Where do I go from here?

Adulthood does not give in freely to the ideas of pranks and jokes. I submit you should not take yourself too seriously, but there is a time and a place for the fun and games.

Posted in Quickbits and tagged , , ,
29 Mar 2013
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Mama’s Little Man

Years after a film called “Baby–Boy” was released the thought crossed my mind about the men in many of our lives. The movie explored the phenomenon from the product/consumer aspect. I want to cover the manufacturer for a bit.

With the disclaimer always close to the beginning of pieces like this, I have to say all of us should not reproduce. That is not being mean or insensitive, but getting older one has to view things in retrospect and see the disservice we do to our children, when we do not take our roles seriously or consciously. We hurt and damage them innocently, but we do these things to them just the same.

My sons KNOW that they are the loves of my life. I am proud and in awe of them and their respective accomplishments. They also know, from me, that during my reproductive years I yearned for a daughter. We have discussed this openly and I believe that they have not been harmed with that knowledge, because of the way I  conveyed this information.  Yet there are things that we do not share with our children; yes somethings should not be put out there, but when you hide important facts from those who are ultimately affected, the inevitable fallout is much worse.

God blessed me with two handsome boys; I rearranged my mind and actually had a business plan to help my need to have someone to dress up fulfilled. They donned Christian Dior and Guess layette. Nike crib shoes adored their tiny feet and Calvin Klein covered their diapers. Numerous results could be connected with MY OBSESSIONS, fortunately my children survived me.

My wise friends and I have covered our children on various levels at times we have noted we have raised the type of men we had hoped to marry “Once-Upon-A-Time”( Please do not look at this from a sick reverse Oedipus stand-point). At other times we see that some things we observe them doing, are things we would NOT tolerate ourselves from a man. Each of these scenarios are a testament to the  viewed successes or failures as their mothers.

The connection, well we as their mothers are charged with raising sons of whom we will turn over to other women who will hopefully reap the benefits of our positive, sensitive, and knowledgeable rearing. The irony is that we will do this based in part (and oftentimes a good part of) from our own bad experiences. Follow that up with the unattainable goal of being the kind of man our “daddy/father/dad was. We may as well hand these little ones a guide to nuclear medicine at four.

Sadly this is a “turkey shoot” and we really do not think about this fact, as we take these man-children on the adventure of growing up. I must note I am not ignoring the facts that we may or may not have a spouse, mate, man in our lives during these times, for this must be factored in as well. However, my area of concentration is on us, the women.

I  made my boys into young male fashion dolls. I was on one hand given the illusion boys would be simpler to dress and maintain. I embraced this, but simultaneously under-minded it with my need to make them appearance conscious. The long-term affects have been one never has a hair out of place and his wife notes this in passing as she jokes of him constantly in the mirror. The other would just as soon walk out the door without combing his hair, could exist in a world without mirrors, and is uncomfortable with being told he is handsome even by his girlfriend.

Think of the mothers who raised their sons angry at men, who may or may not be these same sons’ fathers.  What about the mothers that were alone and told young boys of six or seven, “You have to be/are the man of the house”. What lessons or learned behavior do you suppose they will carry with them into adulthood?

Some of the intent illustrated here was be neat and well groomed, don’t treat women badly and be responsible. The question is how did it translate to a child, and how was it interpreted when that child became an adult? One day Mama’s Little Man will in fact be a man, therefore we mothers have an obligation that reaches beyond self.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , ,
28 Mar 2013

How Many “Do-Overs” Do You Want To Do-Over?

Kicking yourself you allow the thought to enter your mind, “If I had just…” If you had just.. what?” It makes you feel better, it gives you a bit of validation or much needed hope, but without the ability to truly correct or change things what are you actually getting.

I have done this many times before myself; now I am facing an opportunity to actually make a change, so what will I do. Less than a week ago I danced around a very similar subject matter and here I am again. Conceding change is wanted/needed, but well aware that your feet are stuck in quicksand as far as taking action. Now one must resign themselves to the thought that what needs to change is in fact you. Factor in that although we are at a point where we are still vibrant and capable of taking on major life altering changes, we do not know how many more opportunities will present themselves.

The Well has run dry, there is no more to give. Therefore, you had better move on or die of thirst for certain. When you own up to being the master of your own destiny you have to be prepared to take charge. Don’t allow the fearful child-like voice to invade the space that needs to be occupied with forward progress. Where do you really want to be, and are you ready and willing to take a chance?

Posted in Quickbits and tagged , , | Leave a comment
08 Mar 2013
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What A Beautiful Smile

I love to look at pictures. It may seem odd seeing as I do not like to pose for pictures. Amateur or professional, I have been the subject of some truly awful shots. I dream of the day a true artist will capture a shot that will make me look like I want. Now for the right price I am certain there is such a magician, I mean photographer, out there.  For now I am waiting, patiently?

Many years ago what was left of my self-esteem was permanently scarred by a “friend” in middle school ( back then it was called Jr. High School). We will call her “Darlene”. She was a rotund vertically challenged individual we walked to school together with another friend every day. “Darlene” a name that might lead one to make a connection with darling, was far from that. I learned from her fashion improprieties and mistakes that I could ill-afford to make (i.e. wearing your gym shirt under/instead of  your regular blouse to prevent the time guzzling of dressing for class). She also made me painfully aware that I did NOT have a smile that would light up a room. I remember going home looking in the mirror in the bathroom and thinking,” Uuuuuh, I do have an ugly smile”. I would not smile in pictures for years after that.

Every time I saw an ad for toothpaste,where the actors flashed toothy grins I’d ignore them completely, and remember what my “friend” had brought to my attention. I did not have particularly crooked teeth, nor were they rotted out or even discolored. To be honest there was NOTHING remarkable about my teeth or my smile. Then I saw them( actually I just began to take notice of them), they would stop me dead in my tracks for life. They were dimples. I immediately decided to and did in fact dub them the single most important factor in a good smile (not ignoring teeth). After all how could you not display your pearly whites, when you had dimples to accent them. I began paying attention to them I found my father, my younger brother and sister all had them. They were all around, yet they still were cause for notice.

Off we go on a tangent; defined as (believe it or not) a facial deformity of the zygomaticus major, these little indentures have managed to grace the faces of some of the most beautiful people you know or know of. They are hereditary and some of them disappear with time, as the muscles which are”too short” stretch out with age. Thus one may have them as a child but lose them later in life. We associate the dimple with children or babies, perhaps this is why we think they are so cute and are continuously admired if one manages to hold onto them in adult life.

Think about it from your senior classes prettiest smile recipient to the cover of “People Magazine”. They are the quote marks to a smile.  From Tupac to Brad Pitt, Linda Ronstadt to Gabrielle Union, and the many in-betweens; the thought of their smile makes you smile. While I do not remember my senior classes recipient I do remember one from previous year, he was a green-eyed fellow named Warren. So the good Lord graced Warren with unusually pretty eyes, beautiful teeth, and dimples. The stuff crushes are made of, right? I did not know Warren personally and while amazingly I did not have those kinds of feelings for him; I do remember his name, and it is because of his beautiful smile. I invite you to examine the people you know or simply have seen who possess these little marks on their faces, and see if they do not coerce a smile from you.

Posted in Order of Appearance and tagged , , , ,
01 Mar 2013
1 Comment

Everything Has Shifted

The things that I thought worked no longer did. This was not a good look for me.  It was tight where it should be lose, lose where it should be tight, and the color was all wrong. I quickly put a towel around myself. Gravity and time, you gotta love them.

Go on and laugh, because I know you already are. My longtime friend says she has a” DGAF attitude“, do your research on that one. Of course she still can sport a bikini on the beach, and no one would be able to say anything but “WOW”. That is something I do admire. We are oftentimes our own worse critics, then other times we don’t critique ourselves enough.

About a month ago I watched a special on one of the reputable cable channels, cannot recall which one and now I have difficulty in deciding which one(s) qualify as reputable, about a particular plastic surgery that young women are now having. Now we all are very aware that you can have just about anything on your body fixed/modified/altered/improved, but this one made me really mad.

I watched as the young woman’s mother tearfully explained that she would do anything for her daughter and that this was going to make her happy…”Happy”, I thought, ” this is just glorified mutilation”. This surgery is a bit more risky than a” simple” rhinoplasty, although the long term results are similar. It may improve or modify the appearance, but has little or nothing to do with the function. At the risk of sounding too provincial, one has to think who is really going to see the results anyway? Furthermore, these surgeries are still considered unproven by the ACOG.

I remember that campaign in the 1990 that revealed FGM  oh-so-well.  Young women from African nations and Islamic cultures telling the horror stories of primitive tools cutting and tearing at their flesh, loved ones or just other women who died as a result of this type of ritual. Now here we are the nation of “beautiful people” succumbing to the idea, once again, our bodies need tweeking. Do you ladies remember what our dolls used to look like when their clothes were removed? Why are we trying to look like molded plastic.

We are so easily manipulated into believing what is popular is what is right. The mainstream dictates to us, right or wrong. During the Renaissance Age people(especially women) were portrayed and envied for being heavy. Countless painting depict semi-nude or nude women frolicking about in forest smiling, we gain a pound or look at a part of our body that is meant to be fleshy and we are suicidal. Factor in perceptions as to what does/does not look good, what is too big/too much, and you have someone guided by emotion instead of knowledge on a matter that concerns health and well-being.  So it is true everything has shifted; our bodies, our ideas and our ideals. It is fine to want to make improvements on oneself, but try not to carry it to the extreme.

Posted in Order of Appearance and tagged , ,

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