hafacenturyncounting

Motivated by a lack of material.

Archive for the tag “perspectives”

07 Apr 2025

Blessed With Longevity, Cursed With Life

As the decades pass, sometimes we sit still and realize what this means. Our time on the planet is no longer measured in increments whose boundaries can be confined to 365 days. We have now accumulated enough of those periods to be placed in another category.

When I started hafacenturyncounting, I was only five decades into my journey. I clearly remember being a child and marveling at, as well as being astonished by someone who was 50 years old! Now the “ncounting ” is taking on a new life with new meaning. Senior days at respective retail stores, AARP membership, social security, and retirement benefits define me. Now I laugh about this at times, now I marvel at this too, and then there are the occasions when the brutality of aging smacks me in the face.

Let me tell you why I laugh. I find it funny and ironic when I speak about “older people” and catch myself because I AM NOW one of the older people. I wonder how this happened and how I could possibly forget or overlook who I am. As close as I can come to an explanation and/or admission is that I do not consciously identify with my group. I don’t look like an “older person“, except the fact that my hair is gray/graying. I could fix that with a wig, or I could color my hair, but I really don’t want to. Alright, so I guess I do possess a characteristic associated with an “older person“.

Now let me tell why I marvel at being a part of the “older people’s group”. I find myself looking at the generation(s) right behind ours and saying or thinking, ” What in the world or Why are they so….” No need to finish the sentence or thought, it is not positive. Yet the marvel and irony come to mind as I remember when my parents’ generation and beyond thought and said the very same things about us.

Then there is facing the brutality of the aging process. I have always been a very healthy person. This has been a good fortune I still possess. I am aware that as the numbers (chronological age) increase the possibility and probability of change in one’s physical self becomes more likely. Yet being spared the reality of pain and discomfort has allowed me to disregard them. Trust me I was reminded how rapidly things like your physical condition can change. I did not like it either.

Overall, one must acknowledge these little irritations and irregularities are a part of the blessing of living longer. Longevity comes at a price. That price can be viewed as small in comparison to the alternative. When that fact comes to the forefront appreciate what is being gifted to you and accept that eventually we all end up at the same destination.

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16 Mar 2025

Nuthin in New Bern

This is not to be insulting or offensive. It is an observation that takes into account personal preferences and choices.

A beautiful little city in Eastern North Carolina, I came to live here because my eldest son was offered a promotion. He asked me if I wanted to move with his family here. Due to the fact that I am a widow, and we lost his younger brother in 2018, he knew I had nothing tying me to Atlanta that would take precedence over my remaining immediate family. It was a “no brainer”. Therefore, I made the decision to head “north”.

Upon our arrival here I was taken with the cuteness. There were unique little shops, there was familiar retail and loads of eateries. The demographic was quite different from Metro Atlanta, but on the other hand I embraced things like very little traffic and close proximity to the beach. Fast forward over 3 years later. Life happens, as it just does. My son and his family moved back to the Atlanta area. My moving back was not as “simple” as theirs was. I was enrolled in college classes; I had a lease, and my retirement income while adequate for New Bern very well could/would/may present a challenge that I was not really prepared to deal with. I am now basically alone with Nuthin In New Bern.

As seniors we all have a very real possibility of being ALONE somewhere, at some time in our futures. We may either outlive or outlast our people and/ or circumstances. I speak with my 93-year-old “play mother”(she is actually my younger sister’s official godmother, but she was my mom’s best friend for decades of mom’s life. She is family) daily. This out-living/out lasting is her “plight”. As I examine my circumstances, I feel the need to sound off the warning signal. When I speak of my “play mother’s” plight it is yet another observation of how varied we are as Baby Boomers. It is also worthy of notice. Be it health, finances, tragic events; we have years of experience in life to deal with changes. However, we have undergone many changes that may take us off track. As we have aged, we naturally have taken on some of the characteristics of aging, whether we want to or not. The adage of “teaching an old dog new tricks” takes on a new light when you find you are not only embracing that line of thinking, but you’re also living it.

The graces that youth provides us with, are no longer benefits we “hold the papers to”. I am a bit adventurous and nomadic, but now my new “friends (limitations and mobility)” trailing behind me, closing in on me, and they are just waiting to join my caravan of life. I have to mount an offensive. This state of “being alone” gives you an opportunity to do a great deal of thinking… too much thinking at times. For an overthinker it is not necessarily a good thing. However, the flip side is my mind shall not be “a workshop for the devil”.

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21 Nov 2024

Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

I should have known better. I should have seen this coming. Tell me the one thing you hope no one ever says or thinks about you. When you find yourself faced with that very thing, that very thought, what do you do. Will you let pride and ego drag you down the path of destruction of sorts?

Sometimes you get blindsided. I asked myself the question, I told myself, for the most part, I do not care what people think about me. I also realize on some levels that is NOT true. I am confrontational, I am judgmental, I am also respectful and exercise tact. I kept hearing over and over again how there was no need to worry about me, because I will be alright. She can/will handle it. As time went on, I wondered if that was/those assessment were because that is truly how I am viewed/seen/perceived or was this a way of getting folks that I may have turned to off the hook.

Making it your business NOT to say or do things for reaction in your personal life is far different than what you have been taught to do in your business life. Yet the two worlds entwine and intermingle.

You find yourself in a place of insignificance and disregard. It does NOT feel good. Individuals that once turned to you for advice and assistance, do not notice it has been several days since they communicated with you. When they do communicate, they do NOT take time to hear or listen to you. At first you may not even notice this is happening. Then as time goes on and it occurs more and more, what do you do? Do you approach it and try to identify where the break has manifested, or do you ignore it and hope the other individual has a revelation/comes to their senses and makes everything right?

In your work world you exercise tact and operate in a place that gives individuals the benefit of the doubt. If they do not respond the solution can be a simple discussion or as drastic as them losing their job. However, unlike in your personal life, the cards are placed on the table.

I was much better at this when I was younger, but now with a panic attack under my belt I am realizing I must care for me. I cannot let things happen. I cannot wait for the other shoe to drop.

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28 Jun 2024

Good Morning Mourning Heart Ache

And the title says it all. I will mourn for all the days I remain on this Earth for my son, Jay. Jay was one of the sources of my joy. Any of my readers who have children understand and know this to be true, because they have children. I will not try to address every tiny little detail of what it is to be a parent, let alone what it is to be a parent of a child who is no longer here with you. I want to tell you about my morning mourning.

It came in quite unexpected; it is never welcome but it a part of the experience I must and will feel. As I process through life, as I make ready for an impending relocation… I pack. I have relocated many times. While I do not enjoy the process there are many upsides to this venture/adventure. Plus, when you move several times, you learn tricks to make the process “easier”.

I am convinced this will be a well-prepared jaunt to my next space, but as I said, ” I pack”. As I do this prepared pack(ing), it is serving multi-purposes. I have a chance to clean, rearrange, discard, reminisce for moments. Sometimes you do get sidetracked, but all-in-all the sidetrack is a break from the job that MUST be done.

I have a place that I decided would be helpful, after we lost Jay. I did not dedicate an entire room (I could have easily done this), but I found a lovely Lane Cedar Chest, what once was called a “hope chest“. I felt a “hope chest” was an appropriate place to store some of my Jay’s things. This chest would be giving me easy access to the place where I can have things that make me feel those moments again. Plus giving the extra… a “special effects” type experience. Also, the mere utterance of the name hope, sometimes is what I need to give me some, yes HOPE. I was going to pack the office; I was passively entertaining the idea that the office may not even BE at my next spot. I looked at the chest and I started taking down some things; Jay’s diploma from Oglethorpe, a sketch my sister-friend drew for me of a cardinal, “Black Panther” ornaments (Jay was so excited about that movie but did not live to see it). I half smile as I think he and Chadwick Bosman probably have great philosophical conversations. I opened the chest, and my breathing became labored… I knew it was coming. The tears began to form and roll down my cheeks, my hands covered my face as though there was someone watching. I was paralyzed in that space, yet I needed to escape it. I walked out of the office in a “zombielike” trance and still covering my face that now was masking the sound too. I was blindly searching for a wall, so I could be held upright because my knees were weak, my heart was racing, my mind was spiraling… I was back at Grady Hospital January 14, 2018 hearing those doctors gently telling us Jay was gone. I without thinking simultaneously reached out my arms for his father and the love of his life, because I saw them both collapsing, and I only thought to lessen their falls.

As I was taken back there, I realized I was falling in that moment too, but there was no one to catch me. I did what I had/have always done, I took care of people. Family, friends, even strangers…. in that horrible moment there was no one for me because I assigned myself the position of rock. Today I realized I needed a rock and here I was in that place once again… this time there was no one else to be held up, but there was no one to hold me up either. This morning in my mourning, I came face to face again with the thought, “It will always be with you for the LOVE will always be with you….. Billie Holiday’s song sung by Diana Ross in Lady Sings The Blues came to my mind…“ Good Mornin Heart Ache” I had to write this, and the title seemed proper.

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15 May 2024

For Your Own Good

I recall hearing this as a precursor to my getting into some kind of trouble. Oftentimes, being forewarned about “trouble” is not always welcomed. This is especially true when one does not believe there really is trouble or danger. Perspectives can and will govern reaction(s).

Once again I dove in feet first. I actually had the nerve to be surprised at the outcome. Okay I am not really surprised but I think it makes me feel better saying I don’t understand how… The universe tried to throw obstacles in my path, I skillfully went around them. This WAS going to be my way! However, very soon after my arrival I could see this going south. It was pleasing though, all the way to the departure. I did have to admit I got to this place in order to find some resolution. I told myself no matter the outcome, I would have my answer and I would accept it. As I revisit the time we spent together; I do not allow myself to feel sad. I am, most definitely disappointed. His very words.

This “relationship” kept me on edge. I made exceptions and concessions that I would not accept under normal circumstances. I was distracted by the superficial, so maybe this is where For Your Own Good does come into play. Had we continued, how destructive might this have been? I busied myself with being dismissive of us, all the while awaiting the contact. Now he is gone, now I have the consolation that he came to me with his heart on his sleeve and a damaged ego. Unless he reads this, he will NEVER get those same things from me. Things I consciously did not want to happen, did in fact happen. How tempted I am to relieve him of this burden, but something in me keeps me from putting myself in the spot that he occupies. I wonder does he think/ know/care that I may eventually fold, and it is likely sooner than later? Again, under normal circumstances I would have already given him the tools to break my heart. Yet the little voice can be heard in the distance warning me of the danger… so far, I am listening to that faint whisper as it tells me of the close call, how I dodged the bullet, and yes, the break was in fact For My Own Good.

The experience of being in a head on collision made me a different type of being. Initially I was nervous and on edge, but as time moved on (as it invariably does) I settled into yet another alteration of my being. The surprise factor took on a new ” look”. I am NOT telling you I cannot be surprised; I tell you I no longer anticipate surprises with innocent joy and excitement. For I know one can be surprised and taken off guard or aback for unpleasant things too.

I ask myself what IS HIS STORY/HIS TRUTH and what IS the ACTUAL truth? Does he care about me? Is it timing and circumstance that keeps us apart or am I being lit up by a “gas lighter supreme“? I certainly do not have any idea. I am however convinced the universe knows and it is keeping me in the dark…perhaps for my own good.

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15 May 2024

D-I-V-I-N-E

Lying in your arms is simply divine. I know it won’t last forever because I could not survive FOREVER, but for now it is simply DIVINE. The very thought of it, of you…thinking of getting up and parting from you, simply moving or breathing could mean this feeling would change and the fact is I could not bear it, I just don’t want to. I just want to lay here with you and take you all in. I want time to stand still, I don’t want this to end.

Of course, it did end. We both returned to our respective lives. I had to come to terms with, ” I have no idea WHO this man is…” I cannot begin to explain how very sobering, as well as frightening that is. It certainly should be. We all watch the news, have viewed the reality type police stories, read papers and magazines alike. Yet, I allowed myself to be in the presence of a perfect stranger…and he was/is quite perfect I MUST add. The good news is he is far away. The good news is whatever, his daily existence is I have NOT endeavored to find out the details. I think I have an idea of what IS in fact going on, but I exist with the thought, ” It has nothing to do with me.”

I still can manage a smile (manage, I am hard pressed to restrain myself) when I think of him and the times we spent together. No this is no romance novel quality relationship; it is also not a sleezy article in an adult magazine. It IS a short story of a” Thing ” that happened, a ” Thing” that felt really good and as though it had real possibilities. I ask myself, what does it feel like to have everything seemingly going your way? What does it feel like to hold all of the aces, to KNOW things are gonna turn out just like you think you want them to? What does that feel like….I actually do know. It feels DIVINE.

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15 May 2024

“Hafamindto”

That is about all I can muster up these days…half a mind. The tasks seemingly cannot be completed. Getting started is no “picnic” either. Finding oneself rushing to get started or rushing to finish, and in the middle of all that haste is it a surprise that something has gone amuck?

Growing up, (and yes, I can still remember that time in my life) when an adult said something like that one did not take it literally. Instead, we realized at an early age we were being told, if I had more time to think this through the end result would NOT be what it is currently, or what it is on the way to becoming. As we age challenges and complications are things we tactfully avoid. We have been trained to believe as the years progress, we will slow down. We should slow down on practically every level. We see our contemporaries in a certain stage or station in life, which makes us think that is where we should be. However, what happens when we don’t slow down? How does society, our contemporaries and even our loved ones view us. Are we such an anomaly, are we something that must be examined and dealt with? How do we feel about that?

I think we have a few choices and options left. I think we have a right to exercise those options. One must know that as we select the road less traveled there will be resistance and obstacles. If you are not ready to deal with these facts, you’d better get out now. The way we dress, the speed at which we travel as well as how we navigate ourselves through given places and situations will be judged.

I know it seems easier to just fade into the background, be a part of the status quo. Yet something drives some of us. Be it conditions, be it determination. There exists a quality that makes certain beings NEED to go on. Truth is all human beings need to be challenged, we need to have purpose and when we do not, we are heading down the very path which will likely lead to our demise.

We are here, I say be present, be a part of that which is going on. Get involved! Become an advocate for something and that something does not have to be huge, there are small things that could use our help. While it may sound cliche’ “be about the business of living” or find you may find yourself dying faster than you may have imagined.

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15 May 2024

Wonder What The Fellas Think

No offense here but in the real world where men and women have to interact with one another, men have almost NEVER been accused or characterized as overthinking. They are risk takers, and most could truly care less what someone thinks of them. You will find an overweight, bald, toothless, self-employed guy on the dating sites like he has as much to offer as a fit, well-dressed, corporate attorney with a full set of pearly-white choppers and a head full of his own hair. Scary thought alert, maybe he does….

Being a part of a couple for over three decades, there were many instances where my spouse may have walked in on a conversation between myself and a single friend. I battled with and was successful in keeping the discussions involving dating or other encounters outside our realm of approachable subject matter. Let’s face it all of us do things that we do not want advertised or to be the topic of in mixed company. How soon we forget where we came from, in this case the ranks of single life.

In my mind I expect my conversations are strictly between myself and the other party (my single friends at the time/now me) I am communicating with. One does not expect to be critiqued by another being, particularly a significant other of a friend, in a perfect world. Furthermore, I am not thoroughly convinced that these same individuals are privy to more knowledge, outside of their particular situation, than I. I truly could NOT care less what they think/suggest, barring they have a perfect man they want to introduce me to. Knowing full well that they only have “thoughts” to offer, which are likely jaded because their woman having a single friend is not something many men are not fond of. For now, I have to hope I am being defended as I adamantly defended my single friends when my late spouse walked in, or overheard conversations meant for my ears only.

Women who are single are dangerous, we remind the attached folks that there is another status around. Does the disdain come from what we project or is it what others perceive? We fall into so many categories wild, desperate, pitiful, promiscuous, tempting, lonely, independent, needy and all the in-betweens. We also remind them of what they once were, and/or that they could be where we are. That may or may not be a bad thing.

Our “sisters” do not want to be where we find ourselves. The fellas look at us as an untapped resource; an area of possibilities, escapes from reality, but keep us at arms distance for we could blow up their seemingly happy stable existence(s). Actually, too much thought is put into this simple situation. There are some undeniable facts here. Men are outnumbered by women; humans are social creatures and want to be in places/situations that are familiar and therefore comfortable. Yet there is still the “renegade”… the one that wants more than he can handle or is allotted, is entitled to, deserving of. He and his type are given power, and in spite of him NOT knowing what to do with it and/or his mismanagement, others become subject to his ineptness. Now he/ his type is the standard, the rule, rather than the exception to it.

Where do we go from here? This seems like an old and familiar song. Well just because it is old and familiar does not take away from the fact it is true and good.

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08 May 2023
1 Comment

Silently Self-Absorbed

It rang in my ear. Words from a “friend” lost along the way. She said, “I liked who liked me.” I brushed it off because I did not agree. I looked at it from a superficial standpoint. This is an excuse for being with this type, or this race, or this whatever. I told myself she IS settling because she is running from the truth, her truth. I don’t have that problem, I KNOW who I am, I am NOT in denial. At least that is what I tell myself.

I started writing this blog over a decade ago. Lots of LIFE has happened in these past 13 plus years. I now find myself writing about the dilemma known as dating. I am NO EXPERT, but I do have a handle on what I have encountered. As a writer I want to cover other things my blog was started as an entertaining little observation, now it has taken on a life of its own and that life actually belongs to ME. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say it has taken on MY LIFE.

This is the age of the Narcissist. We all know one or two, if we examine ourselves in comparison to the definition, we may find that we ourselves fall into the category. Why does this surprise us and why is this piece relevant?

Like the presentation of a dead bird or headless mouse a cat brings to its beloved owner or prospective owner, these suitors delivered an array of meaningless, inappropriate, silly trinkets. Their intentions unsuccessfully disguised in the simplest of fashion. I know this sounds bad but thus the title Silently Self–Absorbed. Of course, they never had any idea how much I disliked what they had given me. They were just moved into the area that prospects go to “die.” The deal is if YOU are the right kind of being, the material gifts could NEVER hold a candle to your character, and that IS what I/we humans ultimately seek.

Yet this environment I must venture into on a regular basis has me doing as the saying suggests ” When in Rome…” I dislike it, I find it distasteful, but I am still pulled into it. The idea of having an individual who does not possess qualities I say I want, need, must have is unconscionable. I had to admit that sounded like a narcissist. The presence of the word “I” was everywhere! I want this, I must have that, I will not tolerate…I, I, I,!

As many of us who are fortunate enough to have a community of”sisters” , I sent my daily greeting to mine. I thought of what I wanted to run passed them, the exploits of the day/night before. They KNOW me and my characteristics, most importantly my “Achilles heel”. It was as I thought of my weakness, I realized something that was mentioned to me regarding a certain behavior pattern I have developed and quite frankly thought was quite good. It was in the midst of my describing what I was doing and rationalizing it, my attention was drawn to the fact that” if the shoe was on the other foot” I would NOT tolerate such behavior… and try as I might to dance around this revelation, it was quite true. YIKES!

Without revealing details of these shortcomings that exist within ourselves we play to a different looking narcissist, but it still is a narcissist just the same. Self-absorbed with justification(s) still qualifies as self-absorbed. And finally just because you do not shout your intentions/ preferences/thought patterns from rooftops does NOT make them any less obvious. While focusing on I/me one might be overlooking that which stares one in the face, in ones very own reflection, with or without the aid of a mirror. Now who is the one with the issue of being self-absorbed.?

Posted in Dating 6.0, How We Relate and tagged , ,
05 May 2023

The Exceptions

There he is. Everything you imagined and could NOT quite imagine. Sometimes as you look at him, it IS hard to believe he is real. Ok… WAKE up, this is a dream in this case a story. It is the story of a mythical creature, and this creature insinuated his way into your life. Okay you may have sorta invited him in after you realized he was in fact real…

He was not perfect; he was extraordinarily perfect. If you wanted big, he was bigger! You found yourself saying things like,” It doesn’t matter because he isn’t for real anyway…” When he walked through that door, someone literally could have pushed you over with a feather. Then you found he was nice, interesting, smart, funny, AND not-hard-on-the eyes… Before you knew what hit you, you were considering the possibilities.

You quickly saw a boatload of problems, but in your mind, none that could NOT be overcome. That is where the possibilities “took over the wheel”. He was STRIKING and you liked that. All he had to do was to walk into the room and heads would turn. Oh, how you enjoyed the “head-turner” waiting for you. You put out of your mind what transpired prior to your arrival. Yet, the fact that he still awaited your arrival, due to the fact the two of you did not occupy the same space most of the time, told a story. You enjoyed him for a period of time. HE WAS TOO MUCH FOR YOU. The good thing was you recognized this. So, you played with fire in small doses, with the constant thought of avoiding the burn. You knew he still needed to demonstrate some things before you could be all in. He would make tiny steps that encouraged you and gave you hope, but it still was not enough. He was still getting away with things you would NOT tolerate if he was not so…much of everything else you wanted or thought you wanted. Admittedly, the visuals were your major guiding force. That shallow fact could be what kept you involved far longer than you wanted or needed to be.

He kept pushing and testing you. Finally you had enough. You deleted his messages and decided it was time to get away from that fire. What makes the moth move to the light/flame that will ultimately be its demise? Are we all moths in one way or another? When we run into someone who clearly does not have OUR best interest at heart, why do we continue to move towards them instead of running in the other direction? Do we believe if we proceed with caution do we think the fire will be less hot? Maybe we believe the flame will somehow not be as hot because we will have noted its existence and therefore, we can better prepare for the burn. We must start to realize, even though we know the flame will burn no matter how much preparation we make, the burn will still pain us just the same.

What you have to realize is once you started making excuses for, making exceptions, you were already in trouble. We are faced with such heavy competition in the world of finding a suitable match, if we really took into account the numbers alone, we would likely find another pursuit, because the outlook is bleak at best. We all want what we want, as time goes on, we begin to feel the pressure of the situation. Our conditions begin to alter our perspective. Expectations wither into substitutions so much, until one day we no longer recognize what we were looking for and why are we involved with who we are involved with. As the clock continues to tick, the fear of being alone become more overwhelming than we could have imagined. We tell ourselves that this exception is far better than being alone; until we involve ourselves, until we truly are all–in, and then we discover we ARE still alone without exception.

Posted in Fictional Accounts, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , , | Leave a comment

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