hafacenturyncounting

Motivated by a lack of material.

19 Jan 2013
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The Tyranny Of Age (Aging)

As the Roller-Coaster reached the peak of the ride, the excitement inside me was overwhelming. I wanted to close my eyes but could not. The descent began, and I screamed with everything inside of me. For what felt like an eternity I had more fun than I thought imaginable, then an abrupt end. Fast forward on the ground with my grandbaby, I hold her hand as we watch for her parents to appear from the very same ride. She smiles and squeals when she sees them. I am thankful for a nice warm day because my arthritis is acting up.

“Who is this person in the mirror”, you ask as you examine the graying hair and the posture not exactly straight. In your mind you can still scale a wall, but your body is held captive by this unknown being. Suddenly you realize the unknown being is age, and the person you are looking at is you!

Of course you must accept and recognize your limitations; does that mean you must stop having fun, stop enjoying things, stop living. We become prisoners to the limits; some of these limits are outside of our reach, but others are set up/formulated by US.

The real things that have captured me are certain aspects of my body. When I wake in the morning extra time must be taken and therefore consideration must be given to this. No longer do I hop straight up, the dizzying effects would linger the day through if I did. Instead I sit up, swing my legs around and proceed to get out of the bed. I cannot take for granted that I will remember everything, I cannot be assured I will remember anything I have to do in a single day. I enlist the aid of my journal and the list feature of my smart-phone.  These are great tools, if I remember where they are. I stretch for more mobility and less pain. The news is filled with negative and bad, I cannot turn it off. In turn my attitude is bad as well.  When this happens realize every-so-often you need to watch a comedy, if it is an old stand-up routine, a cartoon, or a “Three Stooges” type short. LAUGH,LAUGH, LAUGH!

Sometimes you will feel like, “the tyrant is trying to get a hold on my mind now as well.” You feel lonely and wonder why no one comes around to see you or visit.  The truth is when you feel this way you have already been captured and are under the control of the unyielding tyrant. He makes NO concessions. His wills are forced on every aspect of your person, and he intends on controlling every part of your being including your mind. Once he takes it over, YOU will be lost forever. “What do I do”, you ask. He is very powerful. You have never encountered such a force before, but then he has never encountered you. I say, fight .  Resist on every front. You can do this quietly at first; once you gain confidence, once you know you do not have to be the victim of this controller, you can be bolder. Maybe it will be a beginner’s yoga class or walking slowly around the block, but gradually it advances to volunteering at the local elementary school and maybe a trip to the indoor trampoline park. To break free you have to remember what it was like to be free. The memory of that freedom will release you from the paralyzing fear that you have made your home. Then when you mount your “Coup D’etat “, remember don’t look back for the enemy/ your captor/ the tyrant senses fear.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , ,
17 Jan 2013
1 Comment

XIII-hafasmanyquestionsasiwouldlikeanswersto

Their number is 13… and in this year in particular 13 feels like a great place to start.

1.What do you do when there is someone in your life that needs help, that wants help but does not only NOT know how to ask for it, they do not know how to accept it?= 2.5

2. How do you force a situation without demonstrating force?=1

3. When do you find time for you, when there seemingly is no time?=1

4. Do you know when it is time to go or let go?=2

Riddled with questions and rather annoyed, you have watched your weekend end. You were tired but could not rest. You were sleepy but could not sleep. The apprehension was pretty close to intolerable. Those close to you, in proximity and relation, were draining you and you were allowing them to do just that. WHAT DO THEY WANT?!  However, you were not allowed to say or feel that because you have always taken up the slack. What do they think, what do they feel or are you just an after-thought? There is an expectation for you to fulfill everyone else and then when the needs exist in you, well you are not allowed or even expected to want anything. Yet to get beyond your feelings and you must do this/ complete this task with little or no disruption to those around you.  I am not a swimmer but I imagine what is going on, what you are going through is similar to drowning.

Therefore as you gasp for air lets see if we can answer these questions and rescue you from …yourself.

Starting with #1.- the question I gave credit for being 2 and a half questions simply HELP. Do what you KNOW they need if you can;volunteer, but don’t interfere; expect nothing for your deed and walk away with that expectation.

Number 2.- subconscious takes over in a lot of cases but if you are asking this question you have gone waaaay beyond the subconscious, you are painfully aware. You actions and reactions will tell a story. If you do not want to appear to be a certain way(i.e. forceful) then you must demonstrate a strong presence but with gentler words.

The answer to 3.- Make time. Cut that grocery shopping trip, turn the television off, cancel or postpone an appointment and utilize the time for you. If it is sitting in the car listening to an old favorite CD, walking in the park during your lunch, sometimes you do have to give something up to get something back.

Finally 4.- yes of course you know the answer to this/these question(s). While the first part of this question need only have you apply the”wear-out-your-welcome”theorem. Having an obvious feeling of being uncomfortable from an outside source…. if that is what you are experiencing at any given time, it is time to go.  The second part is more to do with being in tune with self. We get caught up in what is familiar and we hang onto that because it feels so safe. We oftentimes give this feeling the benefit of being correct. Even though it can be guilt driven. The fear of taking action too soon can leave you stagnating for years. Therefore if you are contemplating letting go it is because something inside of YOU is saying it is time. Trust yourself.

Note if these suggestions do NOT help you , they do not yield the desired results, then you are going to have to stop trying to be P.C. and go back to the grassroots technique “say what you mean and mean what you say”. Now we can prepare for the next half.

Posted in Hafwaythroughpoints and tagged , , ,
14 Jan 2013
4 Comments

Pardon Me But That’s My Life You Are Living

I put this stuff out here but I am certain I am not the only one who goes through these changes. Here go armed with chocolate at my side I will sink into myself and reveal yet another flaw of mine. ENVY.

She is smart, pretty, and successful. She is out there every-so-often I visit her page. We are not friends though. I know of her through a friend from work. We have very similar tastes in clothes, furniture, and I will leave it there. The blank I leave is the thing we have most in common. It haunts me. I want to rise above this; tuck it neatly away in something airtight, lock it up, and throw away the key. Yet I cannot. Time passes sometimes months without a thought; but then I have to see, I have to know if anything has changed. Though I never know for certain because I stay just far enough away to observe without being seen, it seems her world is taking it’s natural course. The course of which I wish mine were. I feel terrible that I am watching my  self proclaimed competitor and she is not aware. I do not mean her any harm, I know that which she has belongs to her. Yet deep inside I feel like I could be there, where she is, in that same spot, and I want to be.

As I thought of  the lists I have compiled over the years, I realized I always gave her credit for being the one thing I thought of first, that I bothered to intentionally mention in a secondary spot, even though I didn’t really feel that way or even see it in her. In other words I would always call her pretty in spite of the fact. I felt like “who am I to judge”, because “pretty” has always escaped me.  Besides what did I know about “pretty”? I had a hold on “smart”, I just let “smart” go. I visited with “success”, but success required much work. Well I know a great deal about “pretty”, because I have several friends who actually fit that bill comfortably, even and especially through my critical eyes.”Pretty” is  wonderfully balanced features. “Pretty” is making one look twice even in a ponytail, without make-up, wearing a tee shirt and cargo shorts. My “pretty” friends would make you say “Halle(or whomever is YOUR idea of gorgeous) Who”? Ironically, I like them and I love them. I SEE there is much more to them than their pretty-pretty faces.

I have an idea for an invention, I believe I could patent. It will do for movies what I want to do with my life. I would magically be propelled into her spot, the spot that I am convinced I want to be in and she would be sent… somewhere else. She would not be sent to my place, because I am not wanting a trade. One day I know I will see this invention on television or at the local WalMart, for much cheaper than you can purchase it online or at the local specialty electronics store. What I also think/ believe/feel is while I contemplate, she would do. Then I realized she is me without the excuses and the “stupid” mistakes.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , ,
10 Jan 2013
1 Comment

A December To Remember…. And Reflect Upon

I anxiously await the month of December each year. I have for as long as I can remember. 2012 will be one of many I have to take out and look at, but this year a midst the red and green of the holiday season, there will be an outlined in bold-faced black.

24 years ago on the 17th of December, my beloved father passed away. An emptiness I am ill-equipped to express or convey. 1988 was the most difficult holiday season of my life to date. However, this year December was riddled with bad news and death. It was directly and indirectly touching me. From my “play aunt’s” entry into widowhood to the tragic victims in Newtown, Connecticut; my hear hurt and my eyes welled with emotional tears like an expectant mother.  Coupled with not enough hours in the day, I successfully put off writing until now.Dare I bring up politics and bad weather? I asked myself, ” What about this December and furthermore how will I  choose to remember it?”

Obviously, Christmas will leave it’s mark. First from the religious aspect a season to give honor and thanks to our savior The gathering of family and friends. The fun and wonder of the little one(s) in my life that makes the holiday magic. There were beginnings such as the start of winter, which THANKFULLY was rather unremarkable here in Georgia. There were the birthdays, two of my nieces, my youngest son’s godmother and dear friend celebrate their respective days. “Addi-Paddi” got her “wings” here on Earth. Addison/”Addi-Paddi”/my granddaughter had her first but certainly NOT her last trip to the local indoor trampoline park with parents, uncle, and two sets of grandparents in tow.

As I unpacked and unwrapped each individual ornament, the story of  a Christmas from the past came back to life. Their color and beauty took me to one happily placed memory after another. These ornaments marked births, transitions, and Christmastime fun for 30 years.

I used to wonder how a lovely time of year could make anyone feel bad. The memories and the losses; I had mine, this year the loss would touch a country. Little faces that could not help but remind you of a special little one in YOUR life. And in that same moment you took your mind from that place, because the hurt and fear was too much for you to be able to contain yourself. I avoided that feeling and knowledge for as long as I could.  Newtown, Connecticut.

This was the first year that “Addi-Paddi” would really be aware of and enjoy the season. She conquered the stairs, she knew that any elevation was her launching pad. Jump took on a whole new meaning because of her. At first it was enough for her to do it and then it spread like wildfire. The idea we could all go and join in with her “happy” was a no-brainer.

As I sum up the month.. the “December To Remember” I leave you with this. Nothing profound yet real; the last month of the year, the month that marks endings gives way to beginnings as well.

Posted in Order of Appearance and tagged , , , ,
10 Jan 2013
2 Comments

And I Am Not Proud Of This Either

Okay, I am willing to bet that I am the only person on this planet who has  been cut off in traffic and got angry about it….. Now let’s be real. Less than 10 blasted days into the New Year, I became a victim. A victim of my lack of self-control. I have to level with you here, I HATE THAT FEELING! Not being in charge or command of a situation is humbling at the very least. Then after being humbled one must face yet another task, facing the demon. I submit to you my brief, but memorable experience.

Driving used to be fun, driving used to be a joy, but in recent times it has become a necessary evil. There are individuals with various skill levels behind the wheels now-a-days , and ALL of them THINK they are great drivers. The array of colorful creatures includes but is not limited to: the racing maniac either on your bumper or coming off of it waaaay too closely, the good Samaritan assisting every other driver except the one of who he has control over, the Sunday driver with no place to go in Monday morning rush hour traffic, the busy bee multi-tasking behind the wheel, and the inconsiderate brat whose motto is “yes as a matter of fact it is my road”. This is just a small sampling of what one might encounter on any given day  of driving.

On my day I ran into the inconsiderate brat. As I navigated through Buckhead this particular morning in not so horrible traffic it began. She drove a courtesy car from a Lexus dealership. Traffic was moving at a decent pace, but she found herself about three car lengths behind a public transportation vehicle. There were two lanes and then she did it! Simultaneously changed lanes and put her signal on, maybe she even turned the signal on a few seconds after she began her lane change. It doesn’t really matter here for upon the move  in which she cut me off, I blew my horn. Now I do not like blowing my horn and generally one would be hard pressed to get this, but this move her move was so blatant and unnecessary… my blow was saying “really, you didn’t see me right there?” Well from her reaction she clearly did. She flipped me the “bird”. Whoa. On a morning where things were moving along quite nicely, I get the bird for someone else’s stupidity, blindness or down-right inconsiderateness.  MOVE!! “OH HELL NO!” was my thought my reaction was a return of the “bird” along with some choice words I don’t have to repeat, but I am sure you all can imagine. She smiled, she waved, and she continued with the “bird”. I played right into it with her. I blew my horn once more before we were caught at a traffic light. This where the “not proud of this either” moment occurred.

Without giving detail I want you to imagine yourself in that spot, I want you to feel the anger and frustration mount, perhaps reference a similar situation you’ve been in. Feel what you felt at that time and KNOW I was in that very same place. Whatever you did; if you quashed the anger and moved on BRAVO, if you did not and you acted like I did, and I am not judging you but you might want to get a handle on that.

It only took a moment, it only lasted a moment. Two things occurred;  the result she did not taunt me any longer and I had to deal with my feelings the rest of the day. What was worse is it could have been much worse. This is a story whose ending could have made the evening news. I hope she learned something, I hope I did too. Don’t take unnecessary chances “boys and girls” you never know who or what you are encountering on any given day. Two don’t think that it could never/would never happen to YOU. YOU can be either party that I am writing about here. We are all human; and being human in that frail state leaves us open and susceptible to all kinds of weaknesses, then after it is all said and done we are left with regret.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , ,
25 Nov 2012

XII-hafawayback

Mission accomplished, of sorts. I made strides on my other project, had some time to slow down and reflect. The break was worth it. I did miss writing on my blog though. I did not completely neglect it, I just had to limit the time in order to dedicate more time to an area of concentration which was in need. I did decide I would work on the blog “half as often, but twice as long”. I will see how much better that works out for the future..

Once again we must find a way to have balance in our lives. We are the ground-breakers. Therefore, what we do is going to serve as a blueprint for those to follow. We have to find a viable way to take the reins back into our hands when they have slipped away from us or when we have even let them go. No easy task in either case.

I am just happy to be back and look forward to making more positive strides… I actually  intended to  present this upon my  return this past August, but it felt incomplete and empty. Now there is more meaning behind this return. I have discovered that  my multi-tasking skills need quite a bit more honing to accomplish  the goals I set for myself. A casualty of this  juncture in life…. a benefit is the realization of such.

Posted in Hafwaythroughpoints and tagged , , | Leave a comment
25 Nov 2012
2 Comments

Victims

There are so many of them in today’s world. It is frightening to discover who and where they are. One may be surprised to find they, themselves fall right into that category. Yet, I want to be clear that I am addressing victims and not one particular kind (i.e. sexual, violent crime, emotional). It is a physical and emotional state.

One might be surprised to learn that victims victimize, just as abusers abuse.  Let’s start there. No one can protect or help you if you keep it to yourself.

I am having an anxiety attack as I work on this piece. There is a lump in my throat, my chest feels tight and breathing is difficult. The source of this is my own doing, I have to let go though, I have to let nature take it’s course of sorts. I am battling with what needs to be done and what I want to do. I am left to wonder if I did the right thing. I feel abandoned and alone. I search for solace and I know where I must turn. I have confessed and put mine out in the open.

I invite you to concentrate. The invitation was/is more of an order for me though. First, there is no crime in being a victim. If you wrap your mind around that it may be easier to deal with this piece. I hope this writing is a bit of help to someone reading it.

There are really no safe havens. We have to be informed and pro-active, for ourselves and for our children. No longer is this a gender or strength issue, boys are victimized as much if not more than girls. The guilt and shame for both is only compounded by society finding excuses and diagnoses for these acts. There is a decline in the morality of our society, our conscious’ are becoming increasingly numb and insensitive.

Moving away from the horrid explicit acts human beings commit against one another, we find a lesser demon the victim of circumstance. However, we cannot ignore the fact there is an excuse/explanation for this being as well.

Born into the situation or consciously pursuing something or someone that places us in the situation, the common thread here is at some point one has the opportunity to leave the surroundings that make things miserable for them, if they so choose. Why be a victim if you have a choice, one might ask. Safe is the reason. Even though the place or person is bad to you or for you, they reside in a place you know and place that is familiar. You have the companionship of “knowing”, and the known is safer than the unknown for a lot of individuals. Realize while you are locking yourself in the” safe- familiar-place” you are imprisoning yourself as well. You are not simply a victim, you are making and insuring for yourself that status. At the risk of stating the obvious I say/suggest this; make an effort to break away, free yourself… escape….

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , , , ,
25 Nov 2012

TLDR

As I look over and reread the things I have written, I know there are times that I believe I got “long-winded”. Overall I have felt my work has been sufficient to get my point across. Knowing this is merely a blog I want to capture the reader’s attention and hold it long enough for them to finish the piece and interest them enough to make them want to read more.

In a conversation the other day, one of my motivators and inspirations suggested the concept behind the title. I considered it. I said, ” this is possible”. Ultimately, my goal is to do something that is worthy of my expectation. I write from an emotional place, therefore surrounding factors make a impact on my subject matter as well as the content.

A passing thought requires a great deal of explaining with me, thus what I write is what I feel and that is never really simple or short. I want the reader to feel what I am saying, and that takes a little time. If you visit my blog and TLDR comes to mind, this is really not the place for you. You, the one who says TLDR, should have kept going for if you kept reading you would have been pleasantly surprised.

Posted in Order of Appearance and tagged , | Leave a comment
25 Nov 2012
2 Comments

Self-Absorbed

After a grueling period in which I played a role I am totally unequipped to play, the state of being self absorbed came to me.. I, in anger and in a bad place, began to systematically place people in my life into this category. During the process I was aware of the fact that I too might fit into this place as well, but I was focused on the people other than me. I needed to do this so I could be angry. Why you may ask would someone want to be angry? It is simple and it is complex. First off when one sacrifices they have a tendency to expect something good to come of the sacrifice. No matter they keep this expectation to themselves. However, we all know that this is not always the case. Being angry was a way for me to vent. I am a dutiful individual, an admirable characteristic if you do not mind the role; on the other hand if you do, what you have is a mean spiteful person who is very capable of doing a great deal of harm. Under the guise of dutiful, contempt and disdain can flourish and grow. These are not good things to cultivate. After mulling over this situation and the parties involved I decided the best thing and simple solution was to let it go. A suggestion for all involved, but it is not that easy. I point this out because I know how I felt. I have grown tired of  “taking the high road” which is often higher and steeper, while others seem to do as the damn-well- please. I also know I could not consciously do the insensitive, mean, wrong thing either. Thus I was left with my anger and my anger was really no different than “their stuff”. “Their stuff”, no matter what it was, had a personal pronoun attached and this is what made the difference.

The thing that makes these behaviours so easily recognized and labeled is they are coming from an outsiders perspective. If I point out YOU are being self-absorbed because you are thinking of “YOUR stuff” and NOT considering ME and what I have to deal with, am I being any less self-absorbed? One has to stop and realize, as one places a label a label is assigned to one as well.

Posted in Order of Appearance and tagged , , , ,
08 Nov 2012

Funny Thing About HOPE

So I woke up feeling a little sorry for myself ready to bitch about it. Then went to my social media “wall” and saw a post about Rush Limbaugh…uuuuuhhhhhh! Foolishly, I went to the Huffington Post article, read what the creep said and scrolled down to the comments. Prepared to be annoyed I read comment after comment telling, Rush in essence, to “head in”! Then I went to a section where there were images of the President and the first lady, Joe Biden and Jill, their families on stage in Chicago election night 2012.There were 101 images and I got through about ten; when it occurred to me this is what MY country looks like, and this is what MY country said. I have hoped, imagined, and dreamed about the images I saw.  Images that represent who WE are and what WE want for our future. “WE, THE PEOPLE”, the diverse, resilient, multi-faceted PEOPLE of The United States of America. The world was watching, knowing what was at stake, AND cheering us on. It was, it is beautiful. For a few moments I forgot what I wanted to complain about and wiped tears of joy from my eyes. Maybe I am feeling optimistic and idealistic this morning (beats what I stared off with). However, this is what HOPE will do. HOPE will make you say this is possible, this can be, and if you are fortunate you get a chance to say I  am experiencing it. “America, The Beautiful”; She is a rainbow, a symbol of God’s promise.  Just a passing thought.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , , | Leave a comment

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