I put this stuff out here but I am certain I am not the only one who goes through these changes. Here go armed with chocolate at my side I will sink into myself and reveal yet another flaw of mine. ENVY.
She is smart, pretty, and successful. She is out there every-so-often I visit her page. We are not friends though. I know of her through a friend from work. We have very similar tastes in clothes, furniture, and I will leave it there. The blank I leave is the thing we have most in common. It haunts me. I want to rise above this; tuck it neatly away in something airtight, lock it up, and throw away the key. Yet I cannot. Time passes sometimes months without a thought; but then I have to see, I have to know if anything has changed. Though I never know for certain because I stay just far enough away to observe without being seen, it seems her world is taking it’s natural course. The course of which I wish mine were. I feel terrible that I am watching my self proclaimed competitor and she is not aware. I do not mean her any harm, I know that which she has belongs to her. Yet deep inside I feel like I could be there, where she is, in that same spot, and I want to be.
As I thought of the lists I have compiled over the years, I realized I always gave her credit for being the one thing I thought of first, that I bothered to intentionally mention in a secondary spot, even though I didn’t really feel that way or even see it in her. In other words I would always call her pretty in spite of the fact. I felt like “who am I to judge”, because “pretty” has always escaped me. Besides what did I know about “pretty”? I had a hold on “smart”, I just let “smart” go. I visited with “success”, but success required much work. Well I know a great deal about “pretty”, because I have several friends who actually fit that bill comfortably, even and especially through my critical eyes.”Pretty” is wonderfully balanced features. “Pretty” is making one look twice even in a ponytail, without make-up, wearing a tee shirt and cargo shorts. My “pretty” friends would make you say “Halle(or whomever is YOUR idea of gorgeous) Who”? Ironically, I like them and I love them. I SEE there is much more to them than their pretty-pretty faces.
I have an idea for an invention, I believe I could patent. It will do for movies what I want to do with my life. I would magically be propelled into her spot, the spot that I am convinced I want to be in and she would be sent… somewhere else. She would not be sent to my place, because I am not wanting a trade. One day I know I will see this invention on television or at the local WalMart, for much cheaper than you can purchase it online or at the local specialty electronics store. What I also think/ believe/feel is while I contemplate, she would do. Then I realized she is me without the excuses and the “stupid” mistakes.