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Archive for the tag “relationships”

19 Jan 2013
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The Tyranny Of Age (Aging)

As the Roller-Coaster reached the peak of the ride, the excitement inside me was overwhelming. I wanted to close my eyes but could not. The descent began, and I screamed with everything inside of me. For what felt like an eternity I had more fun than I thought imaginable, then an abrupt end. Fast forward on the ground with my grandbaby, I hold her hand as we watch for her parents to appear from the very same ride. She smiles and squeals when she sees them. I am thankful for a nice warm day because my arthritis is acting up.

“Who is this person in the mirror”, you ask as you examine the graying hair and the posture not exactly straight. In your mind you can still scale a wall, but your body is held captive by this unknown being. Suddenly you realize the unknown being is age, and the person you are looking at is you!

Of course you must accept and recognize your limitations; does that mean you must stop having fun, stop enjoying things, stop living. We become prisoners to the limits; some of these limits are outside of our reach, but others are set up/formulated by US.

The real things that have captured me are certain aspects of my body. When I wake in the morning extra time must be taken and therefore consideration must be given to this. No longer do I hop straight up, the dizzying effects would linger the day through if I did. Instead I sit up, swing my legs around and proceed to get out of the bed. I cannot take for granted that I will remember everything, I cannot be assured I will remember anything I have to do in a single day. I enlist the aid of my journal and the list feature of my smart-phone.  These are great tools, if I remember where they are. I stretch for more mobility and less pain. The news is filled with negative and bad, I cannot turn it off. In turn my attitude is bad as well.  When this happens realize every-so-often you need to watch a comedy, if it is an old stand-up routine, a cartoon, or a “Three Stooges” type short. LAUGH,LAUGH, LAUGH!

Sometimes you will feel like, “the tyrant is trying to get a hold on my mind now as well.” You feel lonely and wonder why no one comes around to see you or visit.  The truth is when you feel this way you have already been captured and are under the control of the unyielding tyrant. He makes NO concessions. His wills are forced on every aspect of your person, and he intends on controlling every part of your being including your mind. Once he takes it over, YOU will be lost forever. “What do I do”, you ask. He is very powerful. You have never encountered such a force before, but then he has never encountered you. I say, fight .  Resist on every front. You can do this quietly at first; once you gain confidence, once you know you do not have to be the victim of this controller, you can be bolder. Maybe it will be a beginner’s yoga class or walking slowly around the block, but gradually it advances to volunteering at the local elementary school and maybe a trip to the indoor trampoline park. To break free you have to remember what it was like to be free. The memory of that freedom will release you from the paralyzing fear that you have made your home. Then when you mount your “Coup D’etat “, remember don’t look back for the enemy/ your captor/ the tyrant senses fear.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , ,
10 Jan 2013
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A December To Remember…. And Reflect Upon

I anxiously await the month of December each year. I have for as long as I can remember. 2012 will be one of many I have to take out and look at, but this year a midst the red and green of the holiday season, there will be an outlined in bold-faced black.

24 years ago on the 17th of December, my beloved father passed away. An emptiness I am ill-equipped to express or convey. 1988 was the most difficult holiday season of my life to date. However, this year December was riddled with bad news and death. It was directly and indirectly touching me. From my “play aunt’s” entry into widowhood to the tragic victims in Newtown, Connecticut; my hear hurt and my eyes welled with emotional tears like an expectant mother.  Coupled with not enough hours in the day, I successfully put off writing until now.Dare I bring up politics and bad weather? I asked myself, ” What about this December and furthermore how will I  choose to remember it?”

Obviously, Christmas will leave it’s mark. First from the religious aspect a season to give honor and thanks to our savior The gathering of family and friends. The fun and wonder of the little one(s) in my life that makes the holiday magic. There were beginnings such as the start of winter, which THANKFULLY was rather unremarkable here in Georgia. There were the birthdays, two of my nieces, my youngest son’s godmother and dear friend celebrate their respective days. “Addi-Paddi” got her “wings” here on Earth. Addison/”Addi-Paddi”/my granddaughter had her first but certainly NOT her last trip to the local indoor trampoline park with parents, uncle, and two sets of grandparents in tow.

As I unpacked and unwrapped each individual ornament, the story of  a Christmas from the past came back to life. Their color and beauty took me to one happily placed memory after another. These ornaments marked births, transitions, and Christmastime fun for 30 years.

I used to wonder how a lovely time of year could make anyone feel bad. The memories and the losses; I had mine, this year the loss would touch a country. Little faces that could not help but remind you of a special little one in YOUR life. And in that same moment you took your mind from that place, because the hurt and fear was too much for you to be able to contain yourself. I avoided that feeling and knowledge for as long as I could.  Newtown, Connecticut.

This was the first year that “Addi-Paddi” would really be aware of and enjoy the season. She conquered the stairs, she knew that any elevation was her launching pad. Jump took on a whole new meaning because of her. At first it was enough for her to do it and then it spread like wildfire. The idea we could all go and join in with her “happy” was a no-brainer.

As I sum up the month.. the “December To Remember” I leave you with this. Nothing profound yet real; the last month of the year, the month that marks endings gives way to beginnings as well.

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25 Nov 2012
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Victims

There are so many of them in today’s world. It is frightening to discover who and where they are. One may be surprised to find they, themselves fall right into that category. Yet, I want to be clear that I am addressing victims and not one particular kind (i.e. sexual, violent crime, emotional). It is a physical and emotional state.

One might be surprised to learn that victims victimize, just as abusers abuse.  Let’s start there. No one can protect or help you if you keep it to yourself.

I am having an anxiety attack as I work on this piece. There is a lump in my throat, my chest feels tight and breathing is difficult. The source of this is my own doing, I have to let go though, I have to let nature take it’s course of sorts. I am battling with what needs to be done and what I want to do. I am left to wonder if I did the right thing. I feel abandoned and alone. I search for solace and I know where I must turn. I have confessed and put mine out in the open.

I invite you to concentrate. The invitation was/is more of an order for me though. First, there is no crime in being a victim. If you wrap your mind around that it may be easier to deal with this piece. I hope this writing is a bit of help to someone reading it.

There are really no safe havens. We have to be informed and pro-active, for ourselves and for our children. No longer is this a gender or strength issue, boys are victimized as much if not more than girls. The guilt and shame for both is only compounded by society finding excuses and diagnoses for these acts. There is a decline in the morality of our society, our conscious’ are becoming increasingly numb and insensitive.

Moving away from the horrid explicit acts human beings commit against one another, we find a lesser demon the victim of circumstance. However, we cannot ignore the fact there is an excuse/explanation for this being as well.

Born into the situation or consciously pursuing something or someone that places us in the situation, the common thread here is at some point one has the opportunity to leave the surroundings that make things miserable for them, if they so choose. Why be a victim if you have a choice, one might ask. Safe is the reason. Even though the place or person is bad to you or for you, they reside in a place you know and place that is familiar. You have the companionship of “knowing”, and the known is safer than the unknown for a lot of individuals. Realize while you are locking yourself in the” safe- familiar-place” you are imprisoning yourself as well. You are not simply a victim, you are making and insuring for yourself that status. At the risk of stating the obvious I say/suggest this; make an effort to break away, free yourself… escape….

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , , , ,
25 Nov 2012
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Self-Absorbed

After a grueling period in which I played a role I am totally unequipped to play, the state of being self absorbed came to me.. I, in anger and in a bad place, began to systematically place people in my life into this category. During the process I was aware of the fact that I too might fit into this place as well, but I was focused on the people other than me. I needed to do this so I could be angry. Why you may ask would someone want to be angry? It is simple and it is complex. First off when one sacrifices they have a tendency to expect something good to come of the sacrifice. No matter they keep this expectation to themselves. However, we all know that this is not always the case. Being angry was a way for me to vent. I am a dutiful individual, an admirable characteristic if you do not mind the role; on the other hand if you do, what you have is a mean spiteful person who is very capable of doing a great deal of harm. Under the guise of dutiful, contempt and disdain can flourish and grow. These are not good things to cultivate. After mulling over this situation and the parties involved I decided the best thing and simple solution was to let it go. A suggestion for all involved, but it is not that easy. I point this out because I know how I felt. I have grown tired of  “taking the high road” which is often higher and steeper, while others seem to do as the damn-well- please. I also know I could not consciously do the insensitive, mean, wrong thing either. Thus I was left with my anger and my anger was really no different than “their stuff”. “Their stuff”, no matter what it was, had a personal pronoun attached and this is what made the difference.

The thing that makes these behaviours so easily recognized and labeled is they are coming from an outsiders perspective. If I point out YOU are being self-absorbed because you are thinking of “YOUR stuff” and NOT considering ME and what I have to deal with, am I being any less self-absorbed? One has to stop and realize, as one places a label a label is assigned to one as well.

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19 Oct 2012
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Bon Anniversaire

First let me  say, I do not speak French. I wish I did, I wish I spoke another language along with English. This post is for my friend “Samantha” :0) I wanted to post this yesterday, because that was actually her birthday. Life interrupted that plan.

Whatever your age, if you are fortunate, you have celebrated a birthday and are still around to talk about it. Some birthdays are great more than you can hope for permanently carved in your memory forever. Others go but as uneventful 24 hour periods. In general most of us have more of the latter. Yet, each year we are filled with expectation and anticipation, whether we admit to it or not.

Landmark birthdays; the 1st one for obvious reasons,  the 12 and/or 13th transitioning the child to the teen years, “sweet 16” truly a girl thing and rather archaic in today’s world, 18 and 21 the cross over point to  respective legal rights. The ones that follow while equally significant, are reminders that we are THANKFULLY getting older. I say thankfully because celebrating another year, being able to complain about more gray hair and wrinkles, beats the hell out of the option.

I  am an autumn baby, I love this time of year. I must confess that as much as I love this time of year, “Sammie” and I shared a text chuckle about how jacked up our birth month usually is for the both of us. It made me feel connected and it made me feel good that I was not the only one who felt happy they had seen another birthday, but couldn’t wait for the month it is celebrated in was gone.

Anticipation, expectation every thing that goes wrong is magnified with the unconscious thought, “and of all days/months this one”. This one being the magical, glorious day/month of your birth. How can that be? I’ll tell you, we are delusional. I know I was/am. For years as a working individual I would make it my business NOT to work on my birthday.why because it was my birthday. You don’t work on your birthday, but if you go back to the actual day your were born on… it was probably a laborious one, Cesarian or natural.

My point is the days we face come as they may, are equally good or bad no matter when they occur. Do they culminate on “our” day… maybe, but that has more to do with our state of mind than what actually is happening. So I say, CELEBRATE absolutely,  but take some of that same joy with you everyday and thank the Almighty that He has allowed you to see, yet another day.

Happy Birthday, “Sammie”! I hope it was… well know what I hope.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , , , , ,
15 Oct 2012
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So Sensitive

I do not want to be a part of a society that takes itself so serious that it cannot laugh, enjoy, or even relax.

After a two month break I returned to social media and just in time for the Olympics. The wonder displays of physical prowess and excellence. The spirit of National Pride and personal accomplishment come in tune with one another. Yet amiss this wonder we found time to critique so many things that do not count. Fervor over a child’s hair rather than the grace and greatness of which she handles her sport. It was sickening.

A flavor-of-the-week movie phenom caught in the act of infidelity. We are shocked and appalled… really? In their industry it is more the rule than the exception when someone ventures out and cheats.

Now or should I say continuing conflict in the political arena. With a Presidency at stake, we should expect this. A sea of lies and deceptions out of which our leader is going to rise. Question is what do we get when one has to rise from muck?

We get so personal about this figures in the “limelight”, yet what do we really know about them? What do we really want to know about them? That is easy, the ones we are interested in we want to know everything to the tiniest of detail. The ones we are not we simply turn the page, change the channel, or walk past the newspaper/tabloid/magazine.

I don’t want to live in a society where every little thing has to be scripted or scrutinized, but I also don’t want to live in a place where people take for granted being disrespectful is a God-given-right. Most everyone of us has what is called common sense, most all of us say things that are wrong at times, the ones I truly have a problem with are the ones that run and hide behind the guise of innocence or self-righteousness.

The Olympian; I applaud for she demonstrated that she was more than hair before the world. The movie actress; I am not a fan of the type of movies she has gained so much recognition for, so I do not follow her and there are NO expectations. Finally, the Presidential campaign; I have my candidate selected AND WILL VOTE FOR HIM.

Self expression is great when it is accompanied by tact, decorum and honesty.  You should be able to tell a person who suggests you “just be friends”, “No thanks, that’s not what I was looking for with you.” Stand by what you say and do, but also humbly accept the fact their may very well be consequences for doing that very thing. Do not be afraid to tell the truth,  simply think through the words you choose to convey that truth.

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27 Sep 2012
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Proceed With Caution

Have you ever seen that sign while driving or even walking. What do you do? Generally, I look around  survey the area to catch a glimpse of whatever it is that I need to either know about or completely avoid. However, sometimes the adventurous daredevil in me just tosses the caution to the wind. Funny how that decision is split second, hardly worth a notice, but it can have devastating results.

On one hand you hear “caution” saying, “you can never be too careful”. Running the risk of walking into known or likely unsavory situation makes one question ones sanity. The other voice “chance” says, ” go on give it a whirl”. I like to think of “caution” as the person who obeys MOST of the rules; she follows instructions and expects the results to demonstrate her actions. Her alter ego “chance” is ever ready; new and dangerous things means anticipation and excitement.

So you dive in so to speak after a period of pros and cons have been run through in your head. If you are lucky you will find it was not nearly as bad as you thought. As a matter of fact it is good, and you question the fear and apprehension. Flames reignited, close relations restored, lest we forget there was a separation and ties were severed.

How and why do you do this? What did you learn? As a starting point you realize there is something valuable at stake that is worth the extra or renewed effort and the lesson of “taking things for granted” is an invaluable one. The fear and apprehension, which were cloaked behind your personal guilt and sorrow, disappear like pixie dust magically. Now how about that for a happy ending and we can never have too many of those.

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14 Jul 2012

Days of Whine and Lost Libidos

Alright, maybe my sense of humor is slightly demented but I have to go here.

I don’t want to be too personal but this is a personal matter. Do you remember Rod Stewart’s song “Do You Think I’m Sexy?” My peers and I were twenty to twenty-something. If anybody was sexy, we were, at least we thought so. I make that statement simply by virtue of biology and physiology. We still felt the need to have an “air of mystery” about us. Singers and songwriters delivered  romance and love in opposed to pure lust and sex. No matter that this was at the heart of the love and romantic songs. It was softer, nicer, and I for one miss this terribly.

It is being reported that now a new individual is on the rise. The independent, happily single adult. At one point in our recent history the irreverent single man or woman was thought odd. Folks either stayed away from them or felt very sorry for them. However, recent studies are also showing how very lonely some of the unhappily married folks are. It seems that being unhappy in a relationship is quite a bit more lonely than simply not being with someone.

Okay you are in a marriage and you are not happy, but you are committed to the marriage. There are the children to think of, the mortgage, the car; there are too many reasons to stay you have no choice but to stay. This is where the casualties begin to appear.  She is dissatisfied and does not try to spurn his interest, he is disinterested and would rather watch the game. The way her smile used to light up a room, the way he made her feel safe in his arms and the laughter; yet you wonder why your sex life is dwindling or totally diminished.  Clearly, your whine does not come from a bottle.

What of the poor single counterparts? It is not all”wine and roses” for them. What they do not experience is constant company without companionship. Therefore the majority of their alone time is by choice and is purely physical.

One can never feel more alone than when they are lonely. The married couple who live under the same roof, but fail to spend time with each other are NOT together.The same feeling of isolation exists even when you have a significant other, as one feels when there is not, if the couple does not communicate. Perhaps that is why we view these new singles as odd, but more and more their lifestyle may become one more and more people decide can and will work.

I have to remind my fifty-something peers, we are living longer so let’s LIVE! Take a lesson from our younger members of society and don’t be strangled by what your old notions of “what is and what should be”.

On an ending note I found an unlikely light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel; one of my favorite trash reality/ rock stars threw an “old dog a bone”, kudos to you Brett Michaels for your actions on The Bethenny Frankel Show the week of June 2012!

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01 Jul 2012

It’s Not For You To Say

Johnny Mathis had a song, “It’s Not For Me To Say” in the song he sings about how it is not his place to talk about certain things(love of course) at this particular time. Well for the era in which the song was popular our society was attempting to appear more modest and non-controversial. It stands to reason a song like that would be popular. It made it clear the relationship would go along slowly, but at the pace in which his lover felt comfortable with and of course what was proper.

Fast forward, today people seem to take for granted that one will say whatever is on one’s mind. There is a failure to recognize some of the same people you are in relationships with were raised by or exposed to the generation which lived a sheltered life. My psyche is held captive by what I was exposed to, and no matter how hard I attempt to be as society is presently, my hesitations come from that which was all to familiar to me during my formative years.

Upon further investigation I found that people find it very easy or palatable to be able to render judgment upon themselves in a positive light and if they are fortunate enough to be in a close relationship with an individual who has adopted some of the same philosophies that I carry with me, “they” are home free. I am not saying the neither “I” or another person who thinks like I do on these subjects are push-overs. I am merely pointing out there are some areas that you are probably getting a pass on  a particular behavior you possess.

Think about it ho many times do you think, “I haven’t been a particularly good spouse in relation to _____” or “My  parenting skills could use a bit more _______ ” or “I bet my parents would like to see me do ________”. Be honest we all can convince ourselves we are the best we can be, and if the individual who should truly be the barometer for this remains silent it is that much more simple. However, are you really being truthful and upfront with self here? This is the place where it is for you consult and confer with the other party(ies), question is will you.

Relationships have certain obligations attached to them and if you are in one you are therefore obliged. Since this is the case I will task each of us; every-so-often ask if you are truly being a good”whatever”, don’t be combative or defensive look at this as a fact finding exercise. On the part of the other individual of whom you are in a relationship with;  everyone is entitled to honesty, you don’t have to be nasty though. With cards on the table no one can say, “I didn’t know, why didn’t you tell me, or ” I should not have to ask/tell, but I will”.

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01 Jul 2012
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On Letting Go

Memories, as we encounter them in a somewhat different fashion now  that we have more and more of them, let’s visit them as they used to be for us.

In a time not so long ago we had a relationship with our hearts and minds that was filled with vim and vigor. You were sharp and on-point. Therefore, things that had occurred were as fresh as if they were happening in the current moment. I am not trying to “date” us but the name of the blog does that already. We went from telephone books and roledexs to data banks. We existed in a time when the cell phones were not readily available and then in what seems like a span of less than five years pre-schoolers had them.  All of our information is a touch away now and we are carting it around with us in a piece of equipment that is becoming increasingly hard for us to read without our spectacles.

At first when I started forgetting things, I brushed it off. I accused my organizational skills or lack there of as the culprit. After all I was the person who had a phone book in her head. I knew my social security number, driver’s license number, and employee i.d. like the back of my hand. Then one day it happened, I wasn’t even being put on the spot by someone standing in front of me asking for an immediate answer, I was filling out paperwork at my leisure and the question was “what is your phone number”. Now you all know the excuses and explanations… ” I never call my own number” yeah that’s true but you do have to give the number out sometimes was  the rebuttal my personal smart-ass shot back to me.

I began the “blame game”, it was technology, it was too many things to do, it was the insufficient hours in the day. I imagine I could have gone on but the last place I summoned and rested at was things used to be so much simpler. I found myself mesmerized and wishing I could go back to when…. Funny, how we never really think we will become our parents.

I discovered the reason I could not return was because I was holding onto something that was long gone. The only thing I had a hold on was what was existing in my head and that was not the best source of information available. Now that I had come to terms with the fact “I” was impeding forward progress what was going to be my  solution. What defense did I have for myself? I had to remind myself and refresh my mind with some pretty convincing facts. While the past held some wonderful memories, the present had some pretty special gifts, and I wanted to be around to see what was in store. I  told myself the best was yet to come, not that this was as good as it gets.

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