hafacenturyncounting

Motivated by a lack of material.

Archive for the tag “relationships”

09 Mar 2012
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Breaking Bread

Eating is a very important process in our lives. We need it in order to sustain ourselves, first and foremost. However, there is something more. As we tie certain songs to events in our lives, there is a connection that exists with us and our meals.

Think of the imagery of the 1950’s a family sitting down to dinner, sharing the events of their day.  How about the “romantic comedy” you just watched a couple of nights ago where the couple shared a romantic dinner, or the mother’s day surprise of breakfast in bed. Food and who we eat it with is a very personal passionate thing. You just don’t sit down and eat with anyone, at least you don’t plan to.

We went to an interesting eatery when we first moved to Georgia almost 20 years ago at the urging of our new neighbors (Georgia natives). This place served typical southern cuisine, the thing that was most exciting to them was the sitting down to enjoy your meal in the company of complete strangers. I thought it was a novel little idea, but wasn’t quite as excited. We were new and felt like we should get familiar with the regions traditions and customs. Well it was very uneventful, and not even in the slightest manner interesting.

I was taken back to another piece I wrote called, “All We Do Is Eat” and I realized how very personal this act of eating is. We do it so often and so mechanically that we really do not  think of the intimacy involved.

When I worked in “Corporate America” in an effort to demonstrate “they” cared; there were often luncheons, celebrations, etc. where we, the employees would get together with the bosses and “break bread”. I was always the outspoken and standoffish one. I thoroughly enjoyed declining or not showing up to these functions, knowing questions would be asked, and I would have the opportunity to tell “them” exactly why I had chosen not to be a part of the function. In a way I was being completely honest, in  another I was being completely mean, but at the time I did not realize how completely valid my reaction/response was to being invited to come and “make nice” with an individual in a forum that is normally reserved for people you really and truly want to be around. Later when the title change happened and I became “them” the the challenge was once again presented, for I now not only had to participate in these function I oftentimes had to plan them. Oh the hypocrisy of it all….

Today as I attempt to be a better person, I am a volunteer that works with a team that serves my community. It is a good place and a good thing we do, yet I would not be honest if I said that I feel close to any of the other members. I attributed this to my being the newer member, but as time has gone by I think there may be another reason. I do not believe that my personal feelings are important,  for what we do is what is most important. The problem is now we are having a meeting in which food will be served. This will be the third meeting of this type I have been invited to. The first I did not go to at all, the second I did not eat. I have and feel the obligation to be there for this meeting, but I cannot overlook my feelings toward these people I am teamed with. Perhaps a more relevant question would be, “do I need to continue to be with a group I do not want to or feel comfortable being around”? Do I have the right to interrupt/disturb this part of a program we are all a part of because of MY personal feelings? I think maybe if I allow myself to get into this intimate setting with them maybe I will connect, but the questions remains, what if I am right, what if this vibe I feel is the vibe the are sending out. I would rather walk away than to have them send me away, but that is all about ego isn’t it.

Therefore, I will go and I will be on time, but I will not eat once again. I guess the test will be how many meetings will I go to before I feel comfortable enough to get intimate with my team members, or how long will I stubbornly work with people I may not like and who may not like me for the sake of doing something good.

Then in the midst of revisions and additions I came face to face with it; maybe I am sending a signal to my team members as well. While I am sitting here feeling ostracized, maybe I have ostracized as well. Wow, maybe I  should eat.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , , , ,
27 Jan 2012

It’s Complicated, But

What isn’t complicated these days? Where was I going with this. Oftentimes titles pop in my head and I immediately jot them down, but if there are no thoughts attached to the title….. It leaves you free to fill in the blank(s).

In a mode of reminiscing, a time gone by surfaced. It was a happier time but it was confusing, my time with the status of “It’s Complicated”. I did not realize it until the words began to fill up this piece. Faces began to fill in spaces where question marks once were, I can’t say I liked that. Then more questions came, the beauty of not-so-accurate memories returned.

You probably have watched a film or two that noted, “do not return to the scene of the crime”.  I must comment this is very good advice. In returning you may leave something you never intended for someone else to see, instead of checking for what you may have left behind. Being careless is bad, but being overly careful is not the solution either.

In a moment, where better judgement was lost the journey is made. It is all too familiar this lends to the need to go on, even though there is still time to turn around and go back home. Places and voices are the same as best you can remember. That is because this is what you want to recall. Slowly you tiptoe back into this neatly disguised disaster that used to be your reality, your life. Now it is too late you are right back where you started and now you ask, what actually went wrong? This is not where I thought I would be, I am pretty certain it is not where I want to be, yet here I am.

As another mystery of this thing called life unfolds, we ask why?I know my life is filled with questions at a time that I really thought I would have more answers. Do you, my readers’/my contemporaries feel the same way? Now what? Knowing the history, your history, guided by reactions and results the next move is yours. I submit to you we have no choice but to move forward,  for we have already taken the step into this once familiar place. We ignored the warnings and better judgment to stay away, or at the very least turn around and go back. Now here we come face to face with the fact, this time it will all be under our control. No questions, no excuses,  this time around merely responsibility.

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20 Jan 2012
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I Never Met A Westie I Didn’t Like

For the dog lovers out there I have to talk about my favorite dog. The West Highland White Terrier.

Spunky and independent, never mind that  they are some of the cutest little creatures you will lay eyes on.Their little black noses and  penetrating deep brown eyes guarantee you will be in love. Ours were “Romeo and Julie (not Juliette). We have known Bailey, Lucky, and Muffin. They have  donned the monikers of Bentley and Kellie. No matter what their names they all exhibit the  chief characteristic of a Westie FANTASTIC!! They are so special that the mere sight of them makes you feel as though EACH Westie you see is the one you love. You easily forget they are individuals and they are different.

I may be doing my favorite dog a disservice here, though. What started out being a praise-a-thon has transformed into another self-realization piece. For as much as I love and admire those cute little dogs, I have found out most recently that I no longer am a card-carrying animal loving fanatic.

I do not want to go from one extreme to the other though. I have to point out why and where this process began.  As I found myself  responsible for the chore of cleaning out liter boxes that serviced three cats, each time I scooped out the domed pagoda styled units I became increasingly biter. Three cats with three different time-clocks, three different habits, three different personalities, three different stages of life and I was their servant. Suddenly, I did not like that. Being caregiver was not attractive and then there was the dog… This was way too much for me.

Sometimes we take on too much for our own good. I had arrived at that point with the pets. Even though each pet theoretically belonged to a different individual in my house too many needs were being met by one individual, ME. The cute little animals started to take on the look and feel of an annoyance. I grew closer and closer to the” dark side”, the place where I no longer cared if the cats got outside and they were strictly indoor pets.  Maybe it truly was me and my incessant need to have a perfectly clean, odor free home that finally cinched it. Maybe it was the dog’s barking and cries for attention. All I know is I did not like it. I was disliking them more and more each day, and I was disliking me for the way I was feeling. Something had to give.

My problem gave way to a solution on it’s own. I had to make a tough decision, but it also made me recognize and realize a couple of things.  First, and this is not profound but it can easily be overlooked; NEVER say never (i.e. the title). While I have/had and overwhelming LOVE for my West Highland Terriers that was not a love that was transferable. Next, know when enough is enough or even too much. Finally, make a decision ; indecisiveness benefits no one and it is a disservice to all.

In closing I want to point out if it is not clear, this  piece really was not simply about pets.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , ,
22 Nov 2011

It’s Worth Paying Attention To

My sons inspire me and my husband makes me aware. In adult life they are a mechanism by which I gauge “me”. It is still ironic to me that life experience will still throw you “curve balls”. Perhaps it is arrogance, but as time goes on you do have a tendency to think on a conscious level you have seen “it all”. While you may not truly believe this, it plants a seed.

With that in mind, how on Earth can anything really be a surprise? Yet discovery will generally catch us “off-guard”. Just when you think no one is watching you will find someone looking right through you, and they know all of your secrets. We are all complicated; but we are not hard to figure out, we all fit into one category or the other. It is important that you pay attention to who you are dealing with. Just because you are in the presence of someone on a regular basis, does not mean you know them.

Our cleaning business has put us in touch with such an array of people. We make every effort to do the work efficiently and with integrity. We have made quite a few friends as a result of the business. We have also lost some clients,  which motivate and have motivated me into writing several different pieces. I wish I could say I find it ironic that something negative would yield such a reaction. However, it really makes perfect sense. The losses make you examine and re-evaluate. Whereas in on-going relationships one tends to be lazy and take things for granted.

As I began taking a look at the clients we no longer have, the first thing I had to do was filter out MY FEELINGS. This is business and on the one hand you try to make your clients happy, but on the other you do have to  be cautious and mindful that you do not get too personally involved. I had/have been “blindsided” more than once. I asked myself how?

Well for starters people are all so very different, and clients are people. I begin my sales pitch with, “we want happy clients…” Really what is that? Over the years I have discovered the job I do is one that most people do not want to do, PERIOD. Never mind they are unable to do it as effectively as I do, it is something they do not want to do. It is in their minds an necessary evil; and not only do they  not want to do it they do not want to pay for it. Theirs is generally the attitude of, “I want this work done for me by you and if you insist I will pay, but I do not want to pay a lot and I get to be the determining factor in what I think is a lot.” In any environment if this were presented to you what attitude would you take? Hold onto that answer and bear in mind, I feel the exact same way.

Let’s take a look at the compensation. Pay for something you do not want to do. Well what is it worth; in the grand scheme of things you can debase it, to try to make it seem as though it is not worth very much. However the truth be known it is quite valuable, but there I go putting the truth factor into play.

Finally, there is a sense of power and superiority. “I am far to educated, important, well-bred to do this thing” is what we get to deal with now, the individual’s sense of self-worth.

This was, all in all, a trip into the land of self discovery for me. People I viewed as pretentious and self-serving, were the mirror image of me. The amount of the compensation meant I was getting closer to my destination, and that was the place where I no longer had to deal with “these people” I had assigned the label of being fake. Lastly, I really do not want to do this work either. This is an means to an end. The very first chance I am given, I will be out of the cleaning business.

Now I will sum this all up for you. No one is exactly what they say they are or try to represent themselves as. You have to look deeper; and this will require time and effort, two things you may not have the luxury of possessing. Watch people closely few of us are the masters of deception we want to believe we are, we are merely average perpetrators. Listen to what is being said; it is a difficult task to take command of the language of words. How many times have you heard someone proclaim to know ALL about something, or boast they know EVERYONE in a certain place. These are “word-traps” with faulty” trip wires”. It is almost outside the nature of human beings to be completely honest, whether it is fear of being taken advantage of, inability to tell the truth, or lack of desire.  Therefore, in your search for characters to observe and even watch out for, a good place to start would be a close examination of you. It will be a valuable journey and well worth paying attention to.

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27 Oct 2011
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Private Wars In Public Places

Have you ever walked in on an argument, be it a couple or co-worker, family, friend, acquaintance, or stranger? What’s your first thought…. AWKWARD, huh …..

I am not a finger-pointer, I consider myself a being who observes and reports. I am opinionated, thus the blog clearly states what it is and I can be about. If you come in here this is what you will get; do not be surprised, do not be offended, do not be afraid to comment, and if you don’t like the way it feels/sounds/reads do not feel as though you have to come back.

Ah, the internet a tool that has made it possible for us to travel the world and never get out of our underwear or brush our teeth. Bad news for the fashion industry and the field of Dentistry. The internet has given us another way to peek into people’s personal lives and relationships too. Social networks do a variety of things; they help us date, find long lost friends, loved ones , etc. However, you have to beware.

There is a danger in living your life out on the web. It is just like opening up your mouth too soon and once it is out there well then it is too late. I have seen  sexual innuendos, personal loss, and fights. The fights are the ones I am addressing here. While with the other two it is debatable as to whether they belong in a private setting, the fight definitely should  be taken care of in a “one-on-one”. It is childish, cowardly, petty, embarrassing and it serves no purpose other than to fuel more fighting and misunderstanding. Unless the intention is to produce more ill feelings, this is NOT the way to go.

If you have personal battle handle it in a personal fashion. Be direct and upfront; conduct the discussion between the parties that it concerns, for they truly are the only ones who matter. If you put your life on the web like this for support, so others will tell you that you are right and the other person is wrong; consider this these outside people are ONLY getting your side of the story and at best most of us give a diluted version of what really happened, what is really going on, and other insignificant little things like FACTS.

Putting personal disagreements on the web turns your life into a “soap-opera”, and while the “soaps” are entertaining people soon grow tired of them and change the channel.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , ,
15 Oct 2011
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Deal With It

I read an inspiring piece this morning, it was in regards to relationships with loved ones. It was not unusual; for it dealt with how limited and uncertain our time on this Earth is, and how we ought to let loved ones know they are loved every day. For as certain as it is that we have loved ones, there is or will be turmoil.

My personal friends and family know that I am an active participant in conflict on a daily basis. I welcome debate and exchanges. They also know I am a “head-on” type and this clashes with my attempts to be a more “gentle-christian” type of individual. I cannot say I have mastered the art of being direct with compassion, and if I am honest I have to say there are often minimal efforts made depending on the circumstances and individual (s) involved. Big surprise, partial confession; no on part one and affirmative on part two.

I completely agree with what I read this morning. I learned that lesson long ago and began practicing what I learned. The problem is the challenges of dealing with individuals. What about the exceptions and the “what-ifs”? What do you really do when those loved ones that you cherish so much happen to be taken from you during that time of turmoil? Truth be known it is not that easy to say at the conclusion of an argument, “yeah well I love you so much”. Be realistic, in most arguments one is caught-up in the moment.

Now I have to get away from sounding so callous and mechanical, now I have to talk about one being the bigger person. There is a pregnant pause here, because I had to take in air. It is not ALL ABOUT YOU, let me make that clear. Now stop taking yourself so very serious, stop feeling sorry for YOU, and look at the big picture. This means saying I am sorry when you are not necessarily the one at fault. It means actively pursuing someone who seemingly does not want to be sought out.

In some cases one has to be away from their normal character, but in this process  the strength of that same character is demonstrated. I am not by any stretch saying this will be easy, but it is easier than some of the other alternatives.  Don’t sell yourself or the ones you love short here. In this direct “deal with it” attitude you come face to face with real feelings and emotions, this allows you to get to some things instead of running away from them.

“I love you but I don’t like you”, may seem cliche’ at times yet often times it is so very true.  You just don’t loose that love for someone because they hurt you or made you angry. Yet that anger and hurt are all so real as well. It is not unheard of or terrible to get or be angry with people you love and care about. Padding that anger with an automatic “I love you” does not change that anger. I think the best thing you can give to ones you love and yourself is honesty, and honesty is a tall order.

Therefore, I say be honest, direct, and real with these people and these feelings. Have compassion and tact in the process, but if by chance something occurs in the midst of some turmoil in your relationship and you do not have an opportunity for a “do over” be comforted in the knowledge that these folks do know you. More than likely at some point they may have been faced with the dilemma of dealing with it as well, but afforded the luxury of time to get through it.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , , ,
05 Oct 2011

Disconnected

Going through the motions of life. When you do things so often it becomes automatic, “I could do this with my eyes closed”, it is not hard to see how one might become disconnected. Without supervision or intervention, the most reliable machinery might run into problems. Thus a disconnect becomes inevitable. Right in the middle of the process something goes wrong and then there is silence.

The clutter and dust build up daily on what was once your pride and joy. You are preoccupied with other things right now, but you will eventually get back to it. RIGHT… Remember when you spent hours making sure everything was perfectly situated? Now look at what once was important to you. Unattended to, unsupervised, and neglected it is out of control and falling apart.

Have you found yourself feeling this way about people who are or once were close to you? It is an odd feeling. The “Love” that was physically and mentally beautiful; your very first love experience, the one who single-handedly holds your youthful sensuality, and now the only significance is you once knew this person. What about your” best friend”; you were always together and still you had time to talk on the phone , when was the last time you spoke or visited.  “Oh they understand because we are so close” is the excuse you give yourself.  Are you really being honest with yourself here?  After all, we are talking about being disconnected aren’t we?

Why do you always have to be the one who calls? If your friendship meant anything your friend would make the call every once in awhile. A month has gone by and perhaps you spoke once. This is rapidly becoming a norm for you all. Yet, it is okay.

We complain that there aren’t enough hours in the day to do things, but we crowd our lives with devices and methods that allow us to do more things at what we deem the same time. The results are we are just as tired, the projects we have are done in a rushed inferior manner, and the people we just never get around to talking with them. For the sake of efficiency, we call it multi-tasking.

When I began this piece little did I know that our pastor would be speaking about this similar subject, but he took it in another direction. He said we are so wrapped up in texting and multi-tasking that we forget what is important, and we need to DISCONNECT; while my approach was do you wonder why you feel DISCONNECTED. In either case the main focal point is that we need to slow down, stop, and re-evaluated the way we are doing things and handling people in our lives.

No matter how rapidly you do things you still have that same 24 hours in each day. No matter how slowly you move yourself, time will continue to go forward. Therefore, what is important is that you make the most out of whatever you do whenever you do it. That means bother to give each endeavor the needed, required and desired attention for optimal results.

Finally, realize you are only going to get out what you put into anything. Cramming things together, trying to do it all at one time, and making empty gestures( I’ll call you later). The less time, effort, and/or heart you delegate will NOT magically yield positive results simply because you want it to be so. Hang up the cell, get off the internet, log off the computer; disconnect from technology for a while so you won’t feel disconnected with life.

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14 Jun 2011
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VIII-Haftonowhatuwant

This actually began as the question: “what do you want?” It was addressing someone else. I soon realized this question applied to me as well, and the fact that I did not know the answer.  There certainly is an answer, but do you or I dare reveal it.

Free Time at this stage is both an opponent and a companion. There are always things to do, you can always find things to do, therefore being in a rest state makes me feel less accomplished. There is this overwhelming sense that I should be doing something productive. When I do allow myself the Free Time, it still comes with a challenge. In a visceral way the mind must be active, and naturally query occurs. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just lounge around and feel free to just go-with-the-flow?

Example; there is a re-entry of someone in your life. Initially, the excitement and anticipation happens. Then the lull comes, it even deteriorates to minimal contact. What is next? Do you sever the newly established ties or do you  just go along, wait and see? Free Time is in the opponent mode here, therefore this is going to end up in the scrap pile. Inevitably the question arises why the scrap heap, well it is simple the underlying question was/is”what do you want”. You wanted something more didn’t you, something defined and something you could wrap your mind around. No one likes these pieces of obscurity dangling around them without a clear cut purpose. Remember who we have holding onto our arm as a companion and quite a demanding one at that, Free Time.

With conviction and a sense of absolution we make a commitment, either literal or psychological, to what we say we think we want. Yet the more distant and out of each “it” is the better we really like it. For how else could we be able to  convince ourselves that this thing that escapes us is the one thing we truly want and that “it” is what is necessary to complete us.

Knowing what you want is scary; it is scary to have the desire, it is scary if we get what we want, and scary if we don’t.  Who among us wants to face up to fear and apprehension? To characterize this period of our lives one would have to say we are truly in a state of definite maybes, a holding pattern and perhaps we aren’t any closer to what or where we figured we would be a couple of decades ago. We have the feeling we should be actively doing something to change that.  What exactly should we be doing though?. One of our bigger dilemmas is we still have that expectation that things should be different. We cannot be carefree because we know better, life has taught us a lesson or two on that very subject. We cannot just accept things for what they are, because we believe we still have too much life left to live for compromising.

Therefore carry on with the knowledgeable and gregarious spirit that allows you to continue on towards what you want and what you need. Trust that when you do come across “it”, when you find “it” in your sights, you will recognize and take a hold of what you want.

Posted in Hafwaythroughpoints and tagged , , ,
23 May 2011
2 Comments

VII-Haftafindyourwaythrough

The resounding echo of silence invades my head now. After a marathon of words I am screeching to a silent stop. I need a bit of a break, the writing takes something out of me, because I feel what I am saying. I must interpret these as  pregnant pauses in order to recover, regroup, and refresh.

Here you are alone. More of your life is behind you than ahead, at least as far as new experiences are concerned. What road do you take? Do you make due and stay single or do you venture out? This one required me to actually do some research. I was/am unqualified and unequipped to address this subject on certain levels, in spite of my having quite strong opinions. My results will not be filled with stats and graphs, but information obtained from real and personal contacts.

The research began and it began with individuals very close to me. I want to see these folks happy, I believe they all deserve happiness and not the opinion of what others think happiness is.

The ladies tended to be successful in their business or chosen career. Therefore, they possess the economic spoils of doing well, nice homes,  furnishings, cars, etc. “Can you say intimidating boys and girls?” To that I ask why?  At this particular time in our lives haven’t we learned about the temporary state of “things”? They express the same high standard involving expectations in relationships. Although they are dealing with  something that is a bit more difficult to gauge.

The gentlemen in the same status had a devil-may-care attitude.They were open when it came to relationships, until one day they really examined the age factor. Then suddenly they needed the spouse, children, and in spite of the newness they(the family) needed to catch up and be age appropriate with them. They had  generally decided that the domestic aspect of life was not for them; and then with the wave of a hand changed their minds, but it took a few decades.

I submit that these individuals have spent a great deal of time without the challenges of relationships on a very specific level and no matter how appealing this may appear, they would/will be in for a rude awakening. What I am presenting is not mind-boggling or earthshaking. They are all very desirable, charming, and intelligent. They all simply want what they want, and that attitude alone is not cohesive with the type of relationship that they are seeking. Settling has been something they have managed to avoid, but in this venture if some compromising is not done failure is eminent. I smile as I think of trying to match them up with one another, but the idea of this gives me images of two cats fighting in a bag. My suggestion would be to slow it down and I am sure that will be received with contempt. Ironic, is the word I apply to it all.

What is missing and can it be filled with something else? Have we become so one dimensional that we can only operate if we have all the same “things” that everyone else we know has. I think it is important to note that none of us is truly alone with no one that cares.

Having a warm body next to you, can sometimes translates into desperation and settling. However, standing by your convictions sets you up for load of disappointments and a scant selection of what would be considered suitable. As our age advances, our considerations become less distinctive. Voids need to be filled, society tells us this is so and we buy into this thought-pattern.

I am a hopeless romantic. Although, life experiences have encouraged me to abandon the Disney/Fairytale ideals, I am still a seven year old at heart. If I am completely honest, I wish I could reach inside my soul and pluck that romanticism out of me.  However,the romanticism is one of those things that you’d have to characterize as; when it feels good it is so good, but when it is bad it is HELL! Hey call me a sadist, I’m gonna hang onto it.

Posted in Hafwaythroughpoints and tagged , , ,
18 May 2011

Returns And Replays

The hauntings of our past sometimes call out to us. On a quite afternoon when you don’t have anything in particular to do, will you find yourself trying to make busy in order to avoid the reality of a time gone by slipping or even forcing its way into your psyche.

All I wanted to do was take a quiet little nap, a nocturnal rest had evaded me the previous Friday. I put on some soft jazz from the late seventies and then I was transported back.  My dog wasn’t barking, the cats weren’t meowing, because they were not there in a decade of my youth. In present day I watched the leaves on trees in my backyard rustle in the wind, but in my mind I felt the ocean breeze of Redondo Beach on my face. How I wanted to be able to return to that time and space. Only for a little while, though.

In the midst of this all, I got an e-mail. Remember the fledgling stages of this necessity of today? My former employer has been made quite obsolete because of it. Without being personal I have to say, the cosmos will interrupt your life on occasions and take you somewhere before you realize you should be not be there.

Where are we returning to or are we simply trying to escape? The current headlines are of chaos and gossip. What are we coming to? It was so different way back when. It wasn’t really that different, our priorities were different and information wasn’t as readily available. It seemed that we had stronger, better values. Therefore, we can now claim it was better then. With the soundtracks of that time, the era seems a lot better. Today we have to live life without the benefit of those sounds, sounds that memory adds and makes it all seem surreal. In the now we have to operate without commercial interruptions, and we come face to face with the fact we need a break from real from time to time.

Looking back allows us to  reminisce and reflect, but if we continue in that mode we could easily run into something we might have avoided had we been looking ahead. Spend a  little time with those special thoughts of things gone by and then give equal time to making plans for times to come.

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