Motivated by a lack of material.


This actually began as the question: “what do you want?” It was addressing someone else. I soon realized this question applied to me as well, and the fact that I did not know the answer.  There certainly is an answer, but do you or I dare reveal it.

Free Time at this stage is both an opponent and a companion. There are always things to do, you can always find things to do, therefore being in a rest state makes me feel less accomplished. There is this overwhelming sense that I should be doing something productive. When I do allow myself the Free Time, it still comes with a challenge. In a visceral way the mind must be active, and naturally query occurs. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just lounge around and feel free to just go-with-the-flow?

Example; there is a re-entry of someone in your life. Initially, the excitement and anticipation happens. Then the lull comes, it even deteriorates to minimal contact. What is next? Do you sever the newly established ties or do you  just go along, wait and see? Free Time is in the opponent mode here, therefore this is going to end up in the scrap pile. Inevitably the question arises why the scrap heap, well it is simple the underlying question was/is”what do you want”. You wanted something more didn’t you, something defined and something you could wrap your mind around. No one likes these pieces of obscurity dangling around them without a clear cut purpose. Remember who we have holding onto our arm as a companion and quite a demanding one at that, Free Time.

With conviction and a sense of absolution we make a commitment, either literal or psychological, to what we say we think we want. Yet the more distant and out of each “it” is the better we really like it. For how else could we be able to  convince ourselves that this thing that escapes us is the one thing we truly want and that “it” is what is necessary to complete us.

Knowing what you want is scary; it is scary to have the desire, it is scary if we get what we want, and scary if we don’t.  Who among us wants to face up to fear and apprehension? To characterize this period of our lives one would have to say we are truly in a state of definite maybes, a holding pattern and perhaps we aren’t any closer to what or where we figured we would be a couple of decades ago. We have the feeling we should be actively doing something to change that.  What exactly should we be doing though?. One of our bigger dilemmas is we still have that expectation that things should be different. We cannot be carefree because we know better, life has taught us a lesson or two on that very subject. We cannot just accept things for what they are, because we believe we still have too much life left to live for compromising.

Therefore carry on with the knowledgeable and gregarious spirit that allows you to continue on towards what you want and what you need. Trust that when you do come across “it”, when you find “it” in your sights, you will recognize and take a hold of what you want.


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One thought on “VIII-Haftonowhatuwant

  1. Mary on said:

    This makes me go mmmmmmmm…..

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