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Archive for the category “How We Relate”

28 Jul 2014

It Is Better To Remain Silent

Sometimes words are just too much. I may not be the”brightest light on the Christmas tree”, but I am certainly not a full blown “power outage” either. People think they know you and oftentimes will express this verbally, but situations will expose the real truth. As time goes on you realize it is not always necessary to  give everything you have away, not all of your opinions, not all of your feelings, and not everything you know/or think you know.  I have honed this skill carefully and use it regularly. Although, this is true there are still people in your life who will challenge this ability of yours to keep things to yourself.

This is because people ALL need to have a “voice”, we all want to be heard. Some require and auditorium filled to capacity  in order to “mic it out”, that is not to say what these folks want to convey is any more significant than those who choose a quiet one-on-one intimate talk. The talkers aren’t always the best listeners, and being realistic listening is an acquired skill. We grow tired of being in the perceived inactive state, because we are impatient.

My latest experience that prompted this piece came as the result of someone I know, and THEIR “guilt trip”. Additionally, it is the beginning of one of my father’s favorite sayings and it’s meaning eluded me until I was older due to a very short attention span with “adult old sayings”. Little did I know one day I’d be quoting those very same words.

I bet there was an occasion or two in your childhood that you broke something. Maybe you were playing in  the house, maybe you touched something you were told not to. Once it was broken then you tried to hide the fact YOU were totally and completely responsible for this mishap. Maybe you hid the object hoping it would not be missed, maybe you reported you “discovered” it broken to draw the attention away from self (not an option for the only children out there), maybe you outright lied, or maybe you blamed it on someone else. While none of these is the honorable thing to do, we are humans and what we imagine is generally far worse than what actually will take place. This is expected behavior in a child and though it is undesirable one can understand.

Yet the same behavior in an adult is not understood nor tolerated, sorry you don’t get a pass because once you enter adulthood the “token/chip” you carry  with you at all at all times is responsibility. Now you can deny it if you want to but it changes nothing. YOU ARE LYING TO YOURSELF! I have come to know this individual for blaming mistakes, bad behavior, etc. on someone other than self it still does not take away from how annoying the characteristic is. The long term result is you do not believe anything, absent of documented proof, this person says. The more he talks the further away from what actually occurred, you become We are at the point that an omission would be welcome.

As I recognize I am NOT the only person who knows a being like this, I offer the advice of the old saying that is timeless(as most of them are).

“It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open one’s mouth and remove ALL doubt.”

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15 Jun 2014

Daddy’s Baaaby…..

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY; TO ALL THE INDIVIDUALS WHO MAKE THIS DAY WORTHY OF NOT ONLY BEING RECOGNIZED, BUT MAKING IT WORTHY OF CELEBRATION. GOD BLESS YOU !

hafacenturyncounting's avatarhafacenturyncounting

As I was driving one morning I saw I tall slender man walking. In his arms gripping him tightly about his neck was a small child. It was chilly this particular morning so the child was bundled up, hat and overcoat, I could not tell if this was a boy or a girl. However, what I can tell you is that child was surrounded by all it needed in the world, the obvious love and protection of this man. My heart filled with admiration, I smiled and thought of the two of them all day long. I knew I had to say something about DADDIES. I got all of this passing these two on a busy four lane street.

Love is a funny thing. We speak of it or don’t say a word about it. We oversimplify the impact of it and we take it for granted. Love does…

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24 May 2014
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Ooops I’ve Said Too Much

And then you get the look. You know it is too late the taste of Doctor Scholl’s foot powder almost chokes you, but it is too late you know you should have stopped talking at least one sentence ago.

The stupid things, the word regurgitation; if only somehow you could take those things back, a rewind if you will. There is nothing magical or mysterious about saying a mean and hurtful thing; your moment of  “telling it like it is” may be subject to all kind of review from all kinds of sources, even though the intention was other than that. You put it out there and now you must deal with  ramifications.

The truth is the truth hurts, at times and is down right difficult at others. Some days you throw in the towel and say you’re going to throw caution to the wind, but then what happens when the wind changes directions and it come back in your face.  Are you really ready for that?

When one writes there is material all around for you to pick and choose from, in the non-fiction forum we battle with being too sickeningly sweet to being to morbidly real. Even falling somewhere in between can be dangerous, because you can get stuck there. This is the where the point is driven home. Moderation once again is the solution. We need balance in our lives, our very make-up dictates this. The next time you feel compelled to say something that occurs to you might be  taken in a way that you don’t necessarily mean for it to be taken.  Hold off, your haste may later require  your foot being surgically removed from your mouth.

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19 May 2014

Why Ask Why?

Years ago I was pondering something my son had done that was wrong. He knew better, he certainly had been taught better, yet he did the wrong thing anyway. In a metaphoric sense I stepped back to look at the situation and realized it did not matter why, the fact was he did it and I had to make a decision about how I felt and then act accordingly. The question of  “why” never came up. This vague description of an incident is intended for one thing and that is to illustrate how we place a great deal of stock onto one aspect of things in order to allow us to ignore what is really important.

In an argument mean words are exchanged, when the smoke clears later one participants says, “why did you say ____ to me?” The other party does not respond the way the first individual thinks is acceptable. The discussion lingers on and on. Finally both are tapped out and nothing is resolved. The question “why” still lingers in the mind of the one. The other could not or would not provide a satisfactory answer. What really got solved here?

Why is a great question for one to gain insight to a technical or mechanical question, but when it comes to matters involving emotion and feelings well your answer is only going to be as clear as the person you ask it of decides they want to be.

Next time you consider asking an individual “why” on a personal note, realize the answer of  “I don’t know” or even silence may be all they truly have. Also take into account you may not really want to know or perhaps you already do.

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05 May 2014

It’s The People

No matter how you approach it, no matter what time of day it is, there is always drama. What scenario in your life comes to mind? My suggestion to you would be run away from it, because the reality of it is this is outside your realm of control.

The minute you walk through the door you get a headache, you wake up and there is this sickening feeling is in  the pit of your stomach, no matter how you prepare for class you always seem lost; okay work, home, and school are all places we all can relate to but if you think of bad feelings first when you are there  you might want to consider the “people factor”.

What is a place four walls, a ceiling, a floor, and a door. Perhaps it is the great outdoors, with the majestic mountain views or a seascape which takes your breath away, how is it a place can make you feel any particular way? What about that human being sharing a space, with his or her bad attitude that can make the paint appear to be peeling from those very same walls or place storm clouds in your view. Homo sapiens, the top of the food chain but often the morals and ethics of the amoeba.

Today though I only left my house briefly, I had my fill of the people. This isn’t a fair statement for it was  not people in their entirety just a small cross-section, but a cross-section that invaded my space none-the-less, and they were not invited in nor were they welcome. I wanted to tell them, ” get out! go away!” However, the space they trespassed upon was in my mind.

In all honesty I enjoy people; they are beautiful,  fascinating, funny and interesting. Then there are..the others… the ones who cut you off ( in traffic, in the middle of a statement), the ones who play their incredibly annoying music too loud in the middle of the night, the ones who don’t do their work so it has a direct affect on what your workload is like, the ones who tell you “their kids would NEVER do anything wrong” and how could you question their integrity here considering the child came from parents who are rude-self-absorbed- 5150- pricks.

They are in the stores and coffee houses, they travel on the roads in cars and bikes, they are in the doctor’s office and in church . They look like you and me but they house a secret.

I will not tell you how I  truly feel; one should have to be challenged with a battery of psychological tests, apply to obtain a license, and if successful there, they must have a child before the expiration date of those same prerequisites. Then it may appear as though I am trying to run too many people’s lives. However, I do believe we are all boarder line crazy and for us to reproduce without making others aware, is just criminal. I live next door to a guy who upon meeting him you would say, ” Wow, it is tragic that the abortion failed”.

As I bring this piece to a close, I sit in my home listening to  a 40 year old man who lives in the basement of his mother’s house;  he is dirty, unshaven, has a sour disposition, and he is a hoarder. He is utilizing his weed blower to disturb me and my family any way he can, because I called the police  on him for blasting his music earlier in the day. I am further convinced I am right,” It is the People“.

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01 May 2014
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Ignite Some Happy

I grew up being taught to respect my elders. As life continues on and I watch myself and my peers entering the stage of life where we are considered elders, I see things unworthy of respect. Everyone is due respect, until they do something that takes them out of  that position.

We are growing older without growing up and you might say at 50 something isn’t it time to become an adult? I see our group running around trying to keep aspects of our lives that are fading away(i.e. outward appearances), but they are affecting who we are internally. We should learn that who we are internally is what really matters the most.

Older people often criticize the youth for having no respect for themselves or others, but who did they learn this from. Did we  fail to teach or did we fail to learn from our teachers? Inside of us exists a fire, it may be real or it may be a figment of our imagination. It is good to have that burning within, but hopefully we know where and when to extinguish it, for fire burning out of control is very dangerous.

These  same older people who cannot move as fast as before do not deserve to be run over, but they do not get to hold up traffic and throw you the finger because of your impatience. Think of yourself in this slower place and try to be understanding, work on yourself in a manner that will help enable you to accept the changes of life. Don’t get mad because you cannot do what you once did, instead do all that you are capable of in the state of  THE NOW.  Don’t be fueled by anger. It is unflattering and unwanted. Next time something ferocious grows within you, use it and go ignite some happy.

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05 Apr 2014
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The Un-Happiest Place On Earth

I was so happy to be back in the “rat-race” a few short months away from retirement, but so far away from  some challenges, I returned happily. The pay not nearly what I wanted (is it ever),  it was an amount I could deal with. The benefits were worth their weight in gold. Not only did I have the comfort of knowing I had them, but the relief from stress was priceless.

I went to my new gig daily with an attitude of,” It is great to be here”. However, I looked all around me and saw the faces of descension. I saw scowling expressions and seriously unhealthy folks. I shook my head as one of these individuals allowed a door to close practically in my face. I resisted the inner self that said,” BITCH, I know you saw me..” I laughed to myself and said, ” These people don’t know how good they have it”.

I survived weeks of training. I tried to excuse the opinions and conclusions I was drawing; as I  observed time passing and my retention of the material not nearly where I thought/ felt/ knew I should have been. I tried to keep it simple, “It was me”. I kept my  composure as each instructor presented material and in most cases followed up the lesson with , “You probably won’t see this any time soon”. I carried around and tried to keep a manual organized filled with information that I was told, ” You cannot rely on this because it changes so often”.  I tried not to think, ” I am gonna be out here on my own, not having a clue as to what I am telling people calling or writing in for…” I still tried to remain positive because my instructor and managers said, ” You will be fine”.

Then it became harder and harder to look at those faces I encountered, along with the impolite attitudes, and NOT understand “why”. I feared I was beginning to relate. The transformation began taking place in the final week of training. Then the very day we were no longer in the status of “training” we were treated as though we were seasoned professionals, rather than being recognized as newly released green–peas. When we asked questions our managers/leads/coaches  now looked at us like,”WHY DON”T YOU HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS? ” This group of individuals who gave the impression as well as said, they wanted team work, now informed us we should not talk to one another and exchange information ( i.e. we should not try to help each other). I glanced at the mirror one evening, as I took one of many needed stress breaks, and noticed one of those unhappy scowls looking at me and guess what, it was me!

The morale has plummeted, in some instances bottomed out. The assistance/coaching has intensified to triple magnitude micro-management from folks who technically aren’t managers  to complete disconnect  by others. You are either being watched as you take every breath and step,  or  totally ignored and left out there with all your problems and questions alone. The actual managers appear to as well as demonstrate concern for one thing, themselves. How about that for a team effort, a far cry from “We’re all in this together”.

I thought about the faces, the bad attitudes, and the un-toned bodies. It began to make sense, more and more. Now as I pass through the gates no matter how I try to imagine a day that I  will once again feel the emotion I had the day I got the job. For while I am grateful each and everyday; I have a lot of imagining to do and this is a far cry from a theme park.

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05 Apr 2014

Worn Out Welcomes

This should be short and sweet.  Only a couple points to make; first don’t do it, second if you do leave quietly. End story right? However, when you factor in _____________ the list becomes virtually endless. Saturday Night Live did a spoof of 1950’s horror movies and theirs was  a trailer called, “The Thing That Wouldn’t Go Home”.  Complete with cheesy music, obvious lines blatantly suggesting departure should take place NOW, and timed screams, “The Thing”  just did not get it.

When you  talk about a guest in your home well it can be touchy. Yet once they are gone you can do things to avoid a  recurrence. Making sure you aren’t available for the next visit, risk friendship by telling them the truth about the previous visit, etc. What do you do when it is a resident in your neighborhood? What if “The Thing” is your next door neighbor who owns his home and your horror movie isn’t about him going home, it is about him and/or his behavior going away, period?

“The Thing” has, in essence, worn out his welcome in the neighborhood. He has not taken the subtle and/or blatant hints. His defiance has upset the cozy environment, now something must be done about him.

They say “You Can’t Fight City Hall”, but you can. The problem is you have to keep at it long enough for two things to happen; 1.city hall realizes you have a problem, 2. you will not go away until they do something about it. Depending on  the size of the city will determine how much noise you must make and how long you have to keep at it.

Sometimes in the midst of situations you may wake to find that you have now become “The Thing That Wouldn’t….“ No one ever said that being right or correct keeps you safe from being labeled that which is unwanted.  The truth is having to make someone perform at a higher level is not always welcome. How many calls or complaints from one individual constitutes an annoyance? You think, “I am only  asking that they do their job”, while the party on the receiving end is thinking, “Will you let me do my job”.

When it is finally over and all is said and done, you may come to realize that all that you have accomplished has not had the affect you hoped for.  Individuals who push to a point where all one wants from them is for them to be gone are clueless;  while you can push them out the door or kick them in the behind, that does not mean you will cure that invasive part of them and keep them from doing the very same thing again. You must come to grips with the fact they were never really welcome, just merely tolerated, and now they have reached zero-tolerance.

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06 Mar 2014
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Sorry To Disappoint You But…

I suppose I am not only confused, I am equally confusing.  If you have ever had your proverbial coattail pulled, you will be able to relate. You have to be able to bare your soul to those you call family and friends, but then the realization comes to you in an unexpected form, that maybe you need to keep a little of that soul covered for the sake of all concerned.

On this journey called life we encounter a vast variety of experiences that we sometimes have to come to grips with; we lived through them, but did not necessarily conquer them. The appearance of” being on top” for example can be deceiving and therefore gives off an illusion. You don’t mean to trick or fool those close to you, but they can easily be convinced of things merely because they want them to be true. Expectations are high, you don’t want to disappoint, but at some point in time you must face facts and so must those you are closest to.

Flawed, imperfect, weak, and devoid of solution you cower in your little corner waiting for someone to pick you up and carry you to safety, even if you have historically been the one doing the picking up. This now must be coupled with the knowledge your cries as well as your crisis went unnoticed. It is so difficult to carry so much and not complain. Honestly, it takes a lot to carry loads and complain. Understand as let down as you feel that”rock”, you thought you knew, is experiencing the backlash of what you feel and placing the additional burden upon themselves of “I should have been better“.

The problem with a “rock” is that the tough exterior is porous, this means the damage comes over time from something penetrating and seeping in. Conditions, just like climate, change and eventually the “rock” cracks; it is weakened now no longer able to withstand what it used to, finally  the crack will break the “rock”. Though it may take a long time and the outward appearance does not change much internal changes are taking place.

“Those things that do not kill us make us strong”. However, strong people get taken advantage of as much as the weak ones do.

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27 Feb 2014
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Frienemies Will Come, Frienemies Will Go..

Oh yeah we all have them. Whether you admit or recognize them they do exist, and they exist in your life.  You just may not know them by the name. You eat lunch with them, you attend their parties, you live next door to them. Just when you think they are on your side, you find yourself face down on a sidewalk for no apparent reason, and guess who is the closest one to you.

A memorable one in my life  happened in when we moved to our home on the Palos Verdes Peninsula, my “Shang-ra-la”, over 24 years ago and frankly I can’t even remember the bitch’s name. Forgive my candor. She was rather insignificant in my life other than we lived next door to one another. Her family consisted of two girls and a husband, mine two boys and a husband. Our children went to school together; elementary and middle, they were far friendlier with one another than we parents were. Yet we were cordial, we exchanged niceties, there were brief simple conversations, and did not interfere with our kid’s friendship.

One  hot day I was picking my son up and my car died; I wasn’t so worried about the car, I wanted to get the kids home, and my husband was at work. I saw my next door neighbor and thought, “Oh great I can catch a ride with her, my husband won’t have to leave work and when he gets home later he can deal with this”. No, I did not have triple A at the time. If you are a parent you know the scene at school when picking up kids a stream of cars waiting their turn to pick up the children and whisk them away to the next destination, be it home or some after school activity. So I rapidly walked over to her minivan window and said ,”Hi___ (at the time I knew her name;by the time this was over she had a new one that I do still know) my car just died on me and I was hoping I could hitch a ride with you..” She looked at me with an acknowledging but blank look, then said in a cheesy manner while lifting up her cell , ” You can use my phone.” I put my hand up to say STOP squinted my eyes, and walked away shaking my head. I was livid. I  had a cell phone, the wait was the issue. I tried to justify why in the seconds that preceded my anger. The oversimplified and most obvious was never far from my first thought. The Peninsula was not the most diverse area of Southern California. We waited for my husband to come and we survived.

About three days later, after the mail truck passed I was out at my mailbox and “she” came out while I was standing there.  She gave me this uncertain smile and waved. I glared at her with contempt, our eyes met, I shook my head in disgust, smirked, and walked away. I never waved or spoke to her again. We lived next door to her family about a year after that incident and then we moved to Georgia. Needless to say without any type of exchange.

It is amazing how a simple not well thought-out act can change the course of relationships forever. Looking out for packages when no one was home, watching for strangers, being mindful of children, even paying attention while out and about became stricken from my mind. In reality I did pay even closer attention to those things, hoping for an opportunity to make the decision to be as much of a JERK to her as she was to me.  After all now and understandably so, I would help an absolute stranger before I would lift a finger to assist HER in any way, fashion, or form.

I had to stop myself at some point though and realize/admit that we were never anything to begin with. That is what frienemies are about, they get or are close to you, the feign good feelings/ good will and when you least expect it.. watch-out-for-that-cement-truck-comin-at-you-too-late! Frenemies are neighbors , co-workers, relatives and sometimes they are close enough to be mistaken as friends. They want something from you. It may be as simple as, “I need to know you won’t let someone you know break into my house and rob me blind” or “How good are you at this job and how much competition will  you pose to me in my quest for this promotion” to “I need to know you won’t let my mate sleep with you“. Get this folks “they” (shoe on the other foot) will let someone break in your house, sabotage your promotion, contest the will, AND sleep with your spouse!

Therefore watch out for them. If you run into someone who has virtually nothing in common with you but you just seem to click, or IF you run into someone who you have an amazing amount of things in common with; take a good look at what you PERCEIVE as the connection. For while strange new relationships seem novel at the time, sometimes with a closer look, you may save yourself an unwanted surprise awakening.

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