Beginning in the 1980’s I tried my hand at “journaling”. If I look a bit farther back I recall my diary. Awakened by an array of things, I decided to write until sleep or responsibilities of the day forced me to move forward. As luck would have it 45 minutes before the responsibilities were to take over the sleep crept up. However, not before I was able to read back over a couple of my writings. Then it happened and I realized that I live, respond, react to my environment practically the same way every year. How is that possible when life is ever changing? Did this mean I was in a rut, a rut that allowed me to stay there for a good 42 of my 53 years? No way! Happily I will reveal what I did discover and perhaps it will prompt my readers to take into account their own “life-cycling seasons”.
I wrote a letter as archaic as that may sound; writers have use for these tools and methods, because they still feel as though they are in touch with their art this way. This letter was to someone near and dear to me. It was for information and it was confrontational. People who know me personally will NOT be surprised by the tone of the letter I speak of. Yet the letter was never delivered to the intended party. It rests in the archives of my personal e-mail, waiting to be printed and mailed or simply sent via e-mail.
An entire year passed and one day close to the anniversary of the original letter, unaware of this fact, I sat down and authored a letter to this same special person. I spilled my heart out and spewed a few venomous attacks, after which I decided to save the piece until I had time to print it and prepare it for delivery. When I went to my draft file I found the other letter to this same person dated a year earlier, give or take a few days. It struck me as odd and curiosity got the best of me, with no time to spare as I prepared for work I started to read. I shook my head in amazement, this letter left undelivered contained some of very the same verbiage, with the very same feeling.
I tried to dismiss it as coincidence or not important, but neither was true. I had to take it out and look at it for what it was worth. Facing reality is not always easy, but the truth was we were in the exact same place because nothing had been really addressed let alone resolved, and not unlike other things around us relationships will stagnate as well. If you continue going through the motions avoiding confrontation, the problem doesn’t go away. It may be covered or overshadowed by something else, but the moment you get to it again you will find it sitting there intact waiting to be dealt with.
Over the course of the next couple of weeks I mulled over “My World”. Here is what I found in no particular order; every autumn I feel renewed, during my birthday month I am hopeful but generally disappointed, springtime I fall in love either in actuality or with the memory of it happening, summer months are too hot, winter months are too cold, so when difficulties happen during those particular times of year they seem so much bigger or worse, and Christmastime I return to my childhood complete with wonder and joy.
At 53 I had an outline/blueprint now all I needed was a formula/plan. I bet you have said at one time or another,”If I could only go back..” I submit a realization that on one level or another because of this cycle we live in, we do have an opportunity to go back. For all the fantastic stories, books, and films that give their interpretation of what would happen; I see us continuing to do things the same ways because we are unaware we are redoing and reliving our lives annually. We are not in a rut in the classic sense; we are not insane by the simple definition of doing the same thing the same way expecting a different result. We are victims of circumstance.
Deja vu occurs( I personally think it is more than a feeling); we don’t know how to do things differently, because we have become caught up and we feel safe with what we know.Therefore, if you see yourself in this cyclic pattern, what if that(deja vu) is the reset button? What if when that feeling happens you did not just inhale and wait for it to pass, but you did something/ anything that was completely outside your norm. I am not suggesting you do any thing in particular; I am suggesting you don’t do as I have done by continuing to live in the cycle and not be adventurous enough to jump off every now and then.