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Archive for the tag “control(s)”

19 Oct 2012
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Bon Anniversaire

First let me  say, I do not speak French. I wish I did, I wish I spoke another language along with English. This post is for my friend “Samantha” :0) I wanted to post this yesterday, because that was actually her birthday. Life interrupted that plan.

Whatever your age, if you are fortunate, you have celebrated a birthday and are still around to talk about it. Some birthdays are great more than you can hope for permanently carved in your memory forever. Others go but as uneventful 24 hour periods. In general most of us have more of the latter. Yet, each year we are filled with expectation and anticipation, whether we admit to it or not.

Landmark birthdays; the 1st one for obvious reasons,  the 12 and/or 13th transitioning the child to the teen years, “sweet 16” truly a girl thing and rather archaic in today’s world, 18 and 21 the cross over point to  respective legal rights. The ones that follow while equally significant, are reminders that we are THANKFULLY getting older. I say thankfully because celebrating another year, being able to complain about more gray hair and wrinkles, beats the hell out of the option.

I  am an autumn baby, I love this time of year. I must confess that as much as I love this time of year, “Sammie” and I shared a text chuckle about how jacked up our birth month usually is for the both of us. It made me feel connected and it made me feel good that I was not the only one who felt happy they had seen another birthday, but couldn’t wait for the month it is celebrated in was gone.

Anticipation, expectation every thing that goes wrong is magnified with the unconscious thought, “and of all days/months this one”. This one being the magical, glorious day/month of your birth. How can that be? I’ll tell you, we are delusional. I know I was/am. For years as a working individual I would make it my business NOT to work on my birthday.why because it was my birthday. You don’t work on your birthday, but if you go back to the actual day your were born on… it was probably a laborious one, Cesarian or natural.

My point is the days we face come as they may, are equally good or bad no matter when they occur. Do they culminate on “our” day… maybe, but that has more to do with our state of mind than what actually is happening. So I say, CELEBRATE absolutely,  but take some of that same joy with you everyday and thank the Almighty that He has allowed you to see, yet another day.

Happy Birthday, “Sammie”! I hope it was… well know what I hope.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , , , , ,
14 Jul 2012

Days of Whine and Lost Libidos

Alright, maybe my sense of humor is slightly demented but I have to go here.

I don’t want to be too personal but this is a personal matter. Do you remember Rod Stewart’s song “Do You Think I’m Sexy?” My peers and I were twenty to twenty-something. If anybody was sexy, we were, at least we thought so. I make that statement simply by virtue of biology and physiology. We still felt the need to have an “air of mystery” about us. Singers and songwriters delivered  romance and love in opposed to pure lust and sex. No matter that this was at the heart of the love and romantic songs. It was softer, nicer, and I for one miss this terribly.

It is being reported that now a new individual is on the rise. The independent, happily single adult. At one point in our recent history the irreverent single man or woman was thought odd. Folks either stayed away from them or felt very sorry for them. However, recent studies are also showing how very lonely some of the unhappily married folks are. It seems that being unhappy in a relationship is quite a bit more lonely than simply not being with someone.

Okay you are in a marriage and you are not happy, but you are committed to the marriage. There are the children to think of, the mortgage, the car; there are too many reasons to stay you have no choice but to stay. This is where the casualties begin to appear.  She is dissatisfied and does not try to spurn his interest, he is disinterested and would rather watch the game. The way her smile used to light up a room, the way he made her feel safe in his arms and the laughter; yet you wonder why your sex life is dwindling or totally diminished.  Clearly, your whine does not come from a bottle.

What of the poor single counterparts? It is not all”wine and roses” for them. What they do not experience is constant company without companionship. Therefore the majority of their alone time is by choice and is purely physical.

One can never feel more alone than when they are lonely. The married couple who live under the same roof, but fail to spend time with each other are NOT together.The same feeling of isolation exists even when you have a significant other, as one feels when there is not, if the couple does not communicate. Perhaps that is why we view these new singles as odd, but more and more their lifestyle may become one more and more people decide can and will work.

I have to remind my fifty-something peers, we are living longer so let’s LIVE! Take a lesson from our younger members of society and don’t be strangled by what your old notions of “what is and what should be”.

On an ending note I found an unlikely light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel; one of my favorite trash reality/ rock stars threw an “old dog a bone”, kudos to you Brett Michaels for your actions on The Bethenny Frankel Show the week of June 2012!

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01 Jul 2012

It’s Not For You To Say

Johnny Mathis had a song, “It’s Not For Me To Say” in the song he sings about how it is not his place to talk about certain things(love of course) at this particular time. Well for the era in which the song was popular our society was attempting to appear more modest and non-controversial. It stands to reason a song like that would be popular. It made it clear the relationship would go along slowly, but at the pace in which his lover felt comfortable with and of course what was proper.

Fast forward, today people seem to take for granted that one will say whatever is on one’s mind. There is a failure to recognize some of the same people you are in relationships with were raised by or exposed to the generation which lived a sheltered life. My psyche is held captive by what I was exposed to, and no matter how hard I attempt to be as society is presently, my hesitations come from that which was all to familiar to me during my formative years.

Upon further investigation I found that people find it very easy or palatable to be able to render judgment upon themselves in a positive light and if they are fortunate enough to be in a close relationship with an individual who has adopted some of the same philosophies that I carry with me, “they” are home free. I am not saying the neither “I” or another person who thinks like I do on these subjects are push-overs. I am merely pointing out there are some areas that you are probably getting a pass on  a particular behavior you possess.

Think about it ho many times do you think, “I haven’t been a particularly good spouse in relation to _____” or “My  parenting skills could use a bit more _______ ” or “I bet my parents would like to see me do ________”. Be honest we all can convince ourselves we are the best we can be, and if the individual who should truly be the barometer for this remains silent it is that much more simple. However, are you really being truthful and upfront with self here? This is the place where it is for you consult and confer with the other party(ies), question is will you.

Relationships have certain obligations attached to them and if you are in one you are therefore obliged. Since this is the case I will task each of us; every-so-often ask if you are truly being a good”whatever”, don’t be combative or defensive look at this as a fact finding exercise. On the part of the other individual of whom you are in a relationship with;  everyone is entitled to honesty, you don’t have to be nasty though. With cards on the table no one can say, “I didn’t know, why didn’t you tell me, or ” I should not have to ask/tell, but I will”.

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01 Jul 2012

What’s In A Name?

The first thing that identifies you, how you connect and recognize the persons in your life. Do you like your name do you know what it’s origin is, do you know how it came to be yours? Have you ever asked yourself, what does it all mean?

I never liked my name. Growing up I was teased about my name. Throughout school year after school year I had the familiar rhyming song ringing in my head. I longed to have the pretty, simple, common names the other girls had. I believe I was an entirely too serious child, for if I had not been I would have shaken off the teasing. I would not have internalized the hurt I felt, but I did. The crazy thing is one morning not so long ago I realized the silly little song should not have hurt my feelings so badly, I should have not just ignored what was being said for it clearly had no basis in fact.  I should have asked the question that changed the way I felt about my name and even if I was not able to explain it in a manner that would stop you in your tracks, I would have possessed the confidence that would not have allowed the hurt to penetrate. I even had to laugh at myself for allowing that song to shape the way I approached so many things.

Given the horror(I am being facetious) that was synonymous with my name. When I really examined it the worse thing about it was that it was a name that could be considered “old”. Nothing could be worse than to be a young girl with an old woman’s name and a name that a rhyme could be associated with…. I lived out my school years carrying that name. My family and people who were close to me only knew me by that name. One day after a particularly  difficult experience I told my father I was going to change my name as soon as I was old enough. I hated my name so, I asked him who had named me and why?

Years later I wanted to make sure I did not give my children names that would allow them to be made fun of or have names that made them feel bad for any reason.  Living through eras where children were named for fruit, planets and combinations of words that the very folks who name them cannot explain and/or oftentimes spell. I could never forget what I had gone through for all those years.  Yet, I know everyone does not hate their name. Some people are actually happy with the name that says”This is who I am”. I wanted to caution the child-bearing individuals about the label they attach to their little ones. Stop yourselves and think it through. In present times we are able to know what the sex of our children will be long before they arrive. Therefore give yourself all of that time to work on and work through what you want the world to think of when they hear your precious baby’s name and the reason you gave them that particular name.

Presentation can truly make a difference. My name, the name that I could only associate with being old, the name that allowed my classmates to  create a mindless rhyme that haunted me all through school, the name I WAS going to change, was given to me by a man I had nothing but love and respect for, MY FATHER. My name was from biblical times and described a fragrant beautiful flowering tree. It was s said to be held sacred to Venus, an emblem of love. My father named me for three ladies he had nothing but respect and admiration for. It was his way of saying to them, this is my precious baby who I love with all of my heart and there is nothing that would give me more joy than for her to bear your name and follow in your footsteps. I never changed my name as I told him I would when I was old enough.

When you name your children I hope you are able to tell them something as wonderful as my story about their names. Tell them early in their lives and tell them often so they never forget.

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22 May 2012
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Patient’s Patience

To all of the “Angel’s of Mercy”out there, I salute you. There are no others like you upon this Earth.

All of us will be relegated to the spot of patient at some point in time. It is what you demonstrate while you are in that status that counts. A difficult place to be in; sick, tired, in pain. You feel alone, no one understands what you feel. There is the vulnerability and need. As time goes on anger and resentment sets in. These are all understandable, but do you get a free pass? Is it okay to treat the folks who are around you, the folks trying to help and comfort you, badly. I understand that you may not or are very likely NOT aware of what you are doing, but trust me when someone says it to you, it is true.

When you are not a medical professional, you are handicapped in your attempts to help someone who is suffering. Some people are grateful to have someone willing to try to help. Then there are the others who, unwittingly, make it painfully obvious that their would be helpers are inept. This serves little purpose, for you need help and a bad attitude will oftentimes leave you without assistance or with a begrudging helper.

In your pain and illness do not allow yourself to believe that in order for one to be understanding, sympathetic, or helpful they MUST be lying in the bed with you experiencing what you are currently going through with the same degree or exactness as you. You take away the desire to try to help, and possibly leave yourself in the very spot you want to avoid. Two people in the exact same place will see and hear very different things. In having that understanding, patient I beseech you to employ YOUR patience.

As with most everything attitude is everything. It helps the patient in the healing process, it helps the caregiver with a sense of appreciation which motivates. Motivation that is essential for all parties to continue on.

Think of that nurse, who was particularly kind to you, when you were hurting and not so very easy to get along with. Realize she or he was “just doing their job” when they helped you through a rough pain episode. Process in your mind these are trained professionals who absolutely selected this spot they are in, because they felt a little something more than the monetary gain. Think of how very special these nurses are. Then think about the person you have at your disposal. They may not be equipped with a degree, they may not have the intricate medical training, but they are armed with the desire to help. Compassion; don’t run or push them away because you as a patient, cannot draw on a bit of understanding and patience yourself.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , , , , , ,
09 May 2012
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How Long Can You Live With It?

Well I must say we are all far beyond the point of NOT understanding the adage, “You made your bed now lay in it”. Today I had a “huuum moment”.

There have been numerous decisions over the years that I would tactfully avoid saying were not well thought through. More than a decade after one of these I find myself periodically questioning whether it was not only well thought through, but perhaps it was wrong. OUCH that one hurt! For as much as I see and recognize the inability of others to admit they are wrong, I have the same condition and it is terminal.

I will not bore you with the details for this would make me have to stop and truly examine this thing again and I really do not want to. I will tell you this, recognition also makes you go back and look at your r’epertoire, because unfortunately there generally isn’t a lone incidence.

The steps are simple. First you have the Accusation; this step will lead you to the spot where you KNOW something more must be done. You may or may not mull it over for a bit, but the next step is rapid and hard hitting. This is the Action; not a lot to say for the fact that you are here means you have made up your mind, right or wrong. Acceptance;  here you say you have done all that is humanly possible and you have no other choice.  Consideration; the back and forth happen here. Arguably this should take place before acceptance, but then we may not be having this discussion at all if it did.  Remorse; this is more of a admission, an admission of mostly YOU are not really happy with the outcome, not necessarily with the incidents that lead up to this outcome.

I leave you with “what if I was wrong” to ponder. The next step is even more difficult to face,” what do I do now“.  Along with the topic here, I would say there is a bit of soul searching you have to do. You can work on this now or you can do what I have done more than one time, put it on the “back-burner”. However, I must caution you “it” will come back again until you truly have resolve.

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28 Apr 2012
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“They’re Just People”

If I never remember anything else about the film And Justice for All I  will always remember the hurt in Al Pacino’s voice as he said that line, to his fellow attorney and friend who had under the guise of helping, had inadvertently and indirectly caused Al’s client to kill himself.

I listen to people randomly rant what they believe to be logic, applying absolutes to situations that absolutes clearly cannot be applied to. So much can be said for the adage”walk a mile in his shoes”. Until it hits you in your heart you may be able to trick yourself into believing, what you think now would be the same if a loved one was involved.

I had to reach for a painful spot in order to write this and the trouble is, I did not want to revisit that pain. However, I did want to get this out and I thought it would only as powerful as my ability to convey the hurt and seriousness of the subject. Once there, I was amazed at how the feelings were revived.

I remember my heart racing, my entire being filled with anxiety as I sat in the very place that I had not long ago shook my head in cold disapproval. I have difficulty writing about it even now. Watching television programs about our justice system only scratches the surface of a real problem that exists in our society, in our community.

I bet you know him, I bet he is related to you or has some close personal tie to you. Maybe you don’t talk about him, maybe you don’t think about him, but that does not make him any less real.

A dear friend of mine excitedly told me of her loved ones impending release from prison one day. I am a cynical sarcastic being, who attempts to be cordial and kind to people I love, like, and care about. I was less than enthused, but for her sake I responded positively. I recall very clearly thinking,'”I wonder why the hell she is so happy about that, undoubtedly he did something to land his behind in there…” I never said those words to her, but the terrible thoughts were embedded in my psyche. One day I would  remember those words from quite a different perspective.

The docudrama LOCKUP was on and my husband made a rather sarcastic remark, I looked at him oddly and left the room. I thought to myself, “Don’t you remember?” There are some very great people who have been imprisoned. They span the annuals of time from the Bible until now. Prison, though a generally bad place, is not always the worse thing that can happen to someone. I never thought I would feel this way, I never thought this could touch or affect me.  Then it did, and my entire world was set on end. That in itself  was/is a very grounding thought and experience.

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09 Mar 2012
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Breaking Bread

Eating is a very important process in our lives. We need it in order to sustain ourselves, first and foremost. However, there is something more. As we tie certain songs to events in our lives, there is a connection that exists with us and our meals.

Think of the imagery of the 1950’s a family sitting down to dinner, sharing the events of their day.  How about the “romantic comedy” you just watched a couple of nights ago where the couple shared a romantic dinner, or the mother’s day surprise of breakfast in bed. Food and who we eat it with is a very personal passionate thing. You just don’t sit down and eat with anyone, at least you don’t plan to.

We went to an interesting eatery when we first moved to Georgia almost 20 years ago at the urging of our new neighbors (Georgia natives). This place served typical southern cuisine, the thing that was most exciting to them was the sitting down to enjoy your meal in the company of complete strangers. I thought it was a novel little idea, but wasn’t quite as excited. We were new and felt like we should get familiar with the regions traditions and customs. Well it was very uneventful, and not even in the slightest manner interesting.

I was taken back to another piece I wrote called, “All We Do Is Eat” and I realized how very personal this act of eating is. We do it so often and so mechanically that we really do not  think of the intimacy involved.

When I worked in “Corporate America” in an effort to demonstrate “they” cared; there were often luncheons, celebrations, etc. where we, the employees would get together with the bosses and “break bread”. I was always the outspoken and standoffish one. I thoroughly enjoyed declining or not showing up to these functions, knowing questions would be asked, and I would have the opportunity to tell “them” exactly why I had chosen not to be a part of the function. In a way I was being completely honest, in  another I was being completely mean, but at the time I did not realize how completely valid my reaction/response was to being invited to come and “make nice” with an individual in a forum that is normally reserved for people you really and truly want to be around. Later when the title change happened and I became “them” the the challenge was once again presented, for I now not only had to participate in these function I oftentimes had to plan them. Oh the hypocrisy of it all….

Today as I attempt to be a better person, I am a volunteer that works with a team that serves my community. It is a good place and a good thing we do, yet I would not be honest if I said that I feel close to any of the other members. I attributed this to my being the newer member, but as time has gone by I think there may be another reason. I do not believe that my personal feelings are important,  for what we do is what is most important. The problem is now we are having a meeting in which food will be served. This will be the third meeting of this type I have been invited to. The first I did not go to at all, the second I did not eat. I have and feel the obligation to be there for this meeting, but I cannot overlook my feelings toward these people I am teamed with. Perhaps a more relevant question would be, “do I need to continue to be with a group I do not want to or feel comfortable being around”? Do I have the right to interrupt/disturb this part of a program we are all a part of because of MY personal feelings? I think maybe if I allow myself to get into this intimate setting with them maybe I will connect, but the questions remains, what if I am right, what if this vibe I feel is the vibe the are sending out. I would rather walk away than to have them send me away, but that is all about ego isn’t it.

Therefore, I will go and I will be on time, but I will not eat once again. I guess the test will be how many meetings will I go to before I feel comfortable enough to get intimate with my team members, or how long will I stubbornly work with people I may not like and who may not like me for the sake of doing something good.

Then in the midst of revisions and additions I came face to face with it; maybe I am sending a signal to my team members as well. While I am sitting here feeling ostracized, maybe I have ostracized as well. Wow, maybe I  should eat.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , , , ,
05 Mar 2012
2 Comments

Done-But Not Ready

A cautious glimpse at the possibilities. Was Cinderella held prisoner in the home of her evil step-mother? Was Sleeping Beauty held in a deep sleep by a spell? Does circumstance help our minds to help us escape unhappiness?

Years in a situation that one sees no end to can breed contempt as well as creativity. Something woke me up this particular morning. It was a troubled mind. I had a plan, but things surrounding me kept interfering. Yet the unsettled feeling would not leave me.

Our princesses seem to be trapped by the forces of something outside of self, but what if their escape was the very prison they existed in? As terrible as one may feel their existence is, does it overshadow the fear of the unknown? There is a real fear of falling. The inner “daredevil” has long retreated into the  poolside lounging chair. Yet, what can be worse than falling? Is it the devastation of defeat, what about the embarrassment of failure.

Growing older there is a stronger need for the certainties of life. We need stable, predictable outcomes now more than ever. The trouble is now we must look to ourselves to provide those confident stable situations.

The other reactions are difficult but for me the stagnant, atrophying, paralysis which occurs when you fear movement is the worst. You are a prisoner, one of your own creation in part. Not a very creative one either. Choosing to stay and be miserable simply because it is familiar is NOT a good choice.

Begin at the beginning, work on YOU. If it is a workplace problem, what measures or steps are realistic for YOU to take? If it is a personal relationship, where you can see the other person’s faults and contributions to the bad situation, maybe examine what YOU are doing. If it is  a spiritual  issue and you feel conflicted, perhaps begin with YOU being committed. As an individual YOU is the only factor one has complete accountability for and control over.

Therefore, we are very much like the pastry fresh out of the oven; one stage is complete, but more has to happen before it is ready to be served.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , , ,
21 Oct 2011

If You’re Going Stare, Wave.

Didn’t your parents tell you it was impolite to stare? When my contemporaries and I were small children, not listening to or disobeying what Mom and Dad said to do met with serious consequences. We learned at an early age that looking at someone for an extended period of time generally was not complementary, with that being said one puts oneself in a very precarious position and no small child should have such an option.

On that note I am going to make sure it is understood that staring is something that I RARELY do. While my preference would be to say never, I refrain from using such an adverb. Human Beings do not exist in a state of absoluteness when we talk about emotions, personality traits, and such. Therefore, I am sticking with “rarely”. It is just plain rude.

Now I am sure we all can reference doing this very same thing and it was far from insulting. There are some very beautiful beings and they are very worthy of taking notice of. One can be easily caught off guard and in those cases excused for the act.

Upon our move south some 18 years ago we met a very  southern woman and her equally southern husband. We will call her CeeCee and her husband Carl.  To characterize CeeCee, she was a curly-red haired imp. I imagine there was a bit of Scots-Irish in her. She and I hung out together for a bit.  Our families even traveled to the North Georgia mountains, that was a trip and a half. We were introduced to, in my opinion, horrible boiled peanuts and dining with strangers. CeeCee and Carl loved these traditions. My spouse, forever the “yankee/militant former black panther” type, was not so enthused. He had noted on numerous occasions since our arrival of the locals extended gawks. CeeCee said,” We do stare a lot in the south”. Let me get back to what this was really about though. Staring was just a jumping off point for me. Is there ever really an excuse for being rude?

You see given enough time one can find an explanation for virtually anything; but just because you can explain it, doesn’t excuse it. You may say, “I didn’t mean anything by it or I always do that”. You must understand that perceptions play a key role in how particular acts are dealt with, so you don’t get to tell someone else how they should feel about a given situation.

Culture, age, region, and religious influences will affect the way we respond to one another. If only “When in Rome do as the Romans do” were a practicable rule of thumb; unexpected release of gas,  loud outburst of laughter, and yes  lengthy uninterrupted looks would be accepted and disregarded. Since that is NOT the case the next time you find yourself involved in such a situation, if you are the one  staring do a save and throw up a greeting with a wave. If you don’t there is a possibility the one who is being stared at may in a not-so-subtle way throw up a greeting to you, but keep a few of their fingers in the down position.

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