hafacenturyncounting

Motivated by a lack of material.

Archive for the tag “communication”

05 Feb 2012
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You Already Know The Answer

I have been so fortunate to be put in contact with and befriended by some pretty fabulous, bright, smart, insightful, intelligent people. However, I have also be plagued with the misfortune of encountering their polar opposites. When I am in contact with the ones I find less desirable, it is very difficult to call upon my resources and remember they are only one aspect of my people dealings.

Living in the south only a “transplant” understands my plight. Though it was a path I chose willingly, it  periodically challenges my entire being. My “Yankee” friends probably are imagining all sorts of menacing horrors, but I can and do assure them it really isn’t more than a minor annoyance. Yet it is /they are annoyances just the same.

The election years are always thought provoking and amazing. A few days ago a couple of neighbors that I would consider civil were reduced to the mindless drone classification. Now that is okay, because they were never very far from that position in the first place.  Yet it is disheartening just the same. I ask how can adults behave in such a childish way?

History if for nothing else will have to record like it or not that Barack Obama was the first president of these United States Of America of obvious African American decent. President Obama is a black man, for the people who have “challenges” and “issues”. He has provided certified documentation of his birth, he has stated he is a christian, and in spite of the frivolous accusations and distractions he has done/is doing his job. I ask how can people be so uninformed?

On the eve of my Sabbath; a day that I proudly proclaim, my church would make Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  smile for it is NOT  a party to “Segregated Sunday”, I am writing about an overall feeling of unrest.  Plagued by the question who will I be sitting next to in church?

I am comforted with a video slideshow, that was sent to me a couple days ago by a high school classmate, of President Obama on  election night 2008. Images as diverse as the world we live in; faces with smiles, faces with tears, faces with hope. I remind myself where I was, how I felt. Irony interrupts my thoughts with the images of another time and place and the words of, not a poet laureate , nor a head of state come to mind. “Can’t we all just get along?” Tonight my answer saddens me.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , , , ,
05 Feb 2012
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Give Nothing, Expect Nothing, Get Nothing

I imagine one may question this title. Let me clarify. Maybe I should have called the piece “Give Nothing, Get Nothing, Expect What?” I did not want to leave room for questions I wanted this spelled out. Therefore I approached this with the logic of my least favorite subject in school, MATH. Mathematics are very precise, absolute, cut and dry;  that is until you get into the higher levels that I do not pretend to understand. The main idea here is a simple addition problem. Most of us can work with that.

I am virtually breathless as I take this on. Most things I write have a personal experience to draw from but always a personal vantage point. The fact that I am breathless tells me I cannot take this on with out being personal. So I am letting go of my mental reigns and whatever come across… comes across.

Gladly I am in a state of bounce-back. We human beings have that uncanny ability. The tone of this piece was of an individual feeling their weaknesses and the need to  document it was overwhelming. Now it has lost some of its poison and potence. I still want to talk about it though.

Have you ever rushed something? Made dinner to fast, rushed a school project, picked up a last minute gift. These are examples of what I believe are afterthoughts. You know they need to be done but you have neglected or misjudged something. Be it time, ingredient or content  the end result will generally NOT be good. Why, because you didn’t put what was needed into it.

Next, have you ever been disappointed with something or someone. Maybe they or it did not live up to what you thought they should. You felt cheated right. However, hold on did you think about a time that maybe you did a little cheating yourself?

We do want things easy and we want things our way. No matter how old we are, there are  many of us who still need to grow up and abandon our childish ways. There is nothing wrong with having the energy of a child, or the hope and wonder of a child. These qualities keep us young and able to bounce back. Reckless abandon, uncontrolled temper, and no sense of responsibility.. well they will land us in the same place they did when we were children, IN TROUBLE.

What do these scenarios have in common with you and your relationships? Hopefully you can answer nothing, but if you can’t lets go back and evaluate this situation you find yourself in. Remember we are employing math principles here. if you are more musically inclined draw upon your memory and think of Billy Preston’s song, “Nothing From Nothing”.  Genius, right. No just common sense again. Stop with the shortcuts and put effort and pride in what you do. Show the loved ones they are loved. Staying cold will only get you a case of frost-bite around the heart, and that is fatal.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , ,
27 Jan 2012

Are You Smarter Than…

I’ll leave that for you to fill in the blank. I got my inspiration from frustration. My friends will undoubtedly  know the source, my readers can guess, but if you relate you have your very own inspiration. I hope this piece will help.

Have you ever thought, “Wow, so-in-so is an idiot!” I cannot believe ______ is in charge of this, or There is something wrong when someone who is obviously brain dead is running things”. Perhaps these mean but honest thoughts came to you in the aftermath of an encounter that revealed to you, that this same individual did not listen to you/would not listen to you. Whether or not a disaster came to pass; you were still annoyed that someone you had little or no respect for, or held in contempt had chosen NOT to listen to you.

It builds up and then after a while you explode! That’s the good news. I want to talk about the stage(s) just prior to the explosion. I want to talk about the mindset that gets you to the point of and then to the actual explosion.

The aggressive ones, the “go-getters” seemingly are in charge. Whether they are competent or not. They talk a good game and give off the impression that they know what they are doing. Generally they have done this for so long, not only can they convince others of their skill and prowess, they have convinced themselves as well.

In the realm of the work world, this is something employers are looking for; someone they can put in charge who will get the job done, so that the operation run smoothly, and there is someone else to blame if things go wrong.

Now we have a full description of what we have on our hands in dealing with these type of people, but lets examine who they are in our lives. There is no secret formula to uncover, there is really no need to name names, this is something that is just for the individual. You have to identify yours.

They frustrate us because we allow them to; they find those little buttons and they push them, and it is with full awareness that this is done. The simple obvious fix would be to say, “Do not give them the power”. However, the advantage goes to those who have the gift of time on their side and a mission in mind. We all have the ability to self-soothe, but do we always have the presence of mind and proper timing so that it will be effective? So the manipulators, manipulate and we fall prey to our own sense of being.  It is at these times we  have to question, “Who is actually smarter”.

Is there an answer? Certainly, but I don’t have it. If I did this piece would be called something else,  for the motivation would not have been there.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , ,
22 Nov 2011

It’s Worth Paying Attention To

My sons inspire me and my husband makes me aware. In adult life they are a mechanism by which I gauge “me”. It is still ironic to me that life experience will still throw you “curve balls”. Perhaps it is arrogance, but as time goes on you do have a tendency to think on a conscious level you have seen “it all”. While you may not truly believe this, it plants a seed.

With that in mind, how on Earth can anything really be a surprise? Yet discovery will generally catch us “off-guard”. Just when you think no one is watching you will find someone looking right through you, and they know all of your secrets. We are all complicated; but we are not hard to figure out, we all fit into one category or the other. It is important that you pay attention to who you are dealing with. Just because you are in the presence of someone on a regular basis, does not mean you know them.

Our cleaning business has put us in touch with such an array of people. We make every effort to do the work efficiently and with integrity. We have made quite a few friends as a result of the business. We have also lost some clients,  which motivate and have motivated me into writing several different pieces. I wish I could say I find it ironic that something negative would yield such a reaction. However, it really makes perfect sense. The losses make you examine and re-evaluate. Whereas in on-going relationships one tends to be lazy and take things for granted.

As I began taking a look at the clients we no longer have, the first thing I had to do was filter out MY FEELINGS. This is business and on the one hand you try to make your clients happy, but on the other you do have to  be cautious and mindful that you do not get too personally involved. I had/have been “blindsided” more than once. I asked myself how?

Well for starters people are all so very different, and clients are people. I begin my sales pitch with, “we want happy clients…” Really what is that? Over the years I have discovered the job I do is one that most people do not want to do, PERIOD. Never mind they are unable to do it as effectively as I do, it is something they do not want to do. It is in their minds an necessary evil; and not only do they  not want to do it they do not want to pay for it. Theirs is generally the attitude of, “I want this work done for me by you and if you insist I will pay, but I do not want to pay a lot and I get to be the determining factor in what I think is a lot.” In any environment if this were presented to you what attitude would you take? Hold onto that answer and bear in mind, I feel the exact same way.

Let’s take a look at the compensation. Pay for something you do not want to do. Well what is it worth; in the grand scheme of things you can debase it, to try to make it seem as though it is not worth very much. However the truth be known it is quite valuable, but there I go putting the truth factor into play.

Finally, there is a sense of power and superiority. “I am far to educated, important, well-bred to do this thing” is what we get to deal with now, the individual’s sense of self-worth.

This was, all in all, a trip into the land of self discovery for me. People I viewed as pretentious and self-serving, were the mirror image of me. The amount of the compensation meant I was getting closer to my destination, and that was the place where I no longer had to deal with “these people” I had assigned the label of being fake. Lastly, I really do not want to do this work either. This is an means to an end. The very first chance I am given, I will be out of the cleaning business.

Now I will sum this all up for you. No one is exactly what they say they are or try to represent themselves as. You have to look deeper; and this will require time and effort, two things you may not have the luxury of possessing. Watch people closely few of us are the masters of deception we want to believe we are, we are merely average perpetrators. Listen to what is being said; it is a difficult task to take command of the language of words. How many times have you heard someone proclaim to know ALL about something, or boast they know EVERYONE in a certain place. These are “word-traps” with faulty” trip wires”. It is almost outside the nature of human beings to be completely honest, whether it is fear of being taken advantage of, inability to tell the truth, or lack of desire.  Therefore, in your search for characters to observe and even watch out for, a good place to start would be a close examination of you. It will be a valuable journey and well worth paying attention to.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , | Leave a comment
27 Oct 2011
1 Comment

Private Wars In Public Places

Have you ever walked in on an argument, be it a couple or co-worker, family, friend, acquaintance, or stranger? What’s your first thought…. AWKWARD, huh …..

I am not a finger-pointer, I consider myself a being who observes and reports. I am opinionated, thus the blog clearly states what it is and I can be about. If you come in here this is what you will get; do not be surprised, do not be offended, do not be afraid to comment, and if you don’t like the way it feels/sounds/reads do not feel as though you have to come back.

Ah, the internet a tool that has made it possible for us to travel the world and never get out of our underwear or brush our teeth. Bad news for the fashion industry and the field of Dentistry. The internet has given us another way to peek into people’s personal lives and relationships too. Social networks do a variety of things; they help us date, find long lost friends, loved ones , etc. However, you have to beware.

There is a danger in living your life out on the web. It is just like opening up your mouth too soon and once it is out there well then it is too late. I have seen  sexual innuendos, personal loss, and fights. The fights are the ones I am addressing here. While with the other two it is debatable as to whether they belong in a private setting, the fight definitely should  be taken care of in a “one-on-one”. It is childish, cowardly, petty, embarrassing and it serves no purpose other than to fuel more fighting and misunderstanding. Unless the intention is to produce more ill feelings, this is NOT the way to go.

If you have personal battle handle it in a personal fashion. Be direct and upfront; conduct the discussion between the parties that it concerns, for they truly are the only ones who matter. If you put your life on the web like this for support, so others will tell you that you are right and the other person is wrong; consider this these outside people are ONLY getting your side of the story and at best most of us give a diluted version of what really happened, what is really going on, and other insignificant little things like FACTS.

Putting personal disagreements on the web turns your life into a “soap-opera”, and while the “soaps” are entertaining people soon grow tired of them and change the channel.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , ,
21 Oct 2011

If You’re Going Stare, Wave.

Didn’t your parents tell you it was impolite to stare? When my contemporaries and I were small children, not listening to or disobeying what Mom and Dad said to do met with serious consequences. We learned at an early age that looking at someone for an extended period of time generally was not complementary, with that being said one puts oneself in a very precarious position and no small child should have such an option.

On that note I am going to make sure it is understood that staring is something that I RARELY do. While my preference would be to say never, I refrain from using such an adverb. Human Beings do not exist in a state of absoluteness when we talk about emotions, personality traits, and such. Therefore, I am sticking with “rarely”. It is just plain rude.

Now I am sure we all can reference doing this very same thing and it was far from insulting. There are some very beautiful beings and they are very worthy of taking notice of. One can be easily caught off guard and in those cases excused for the act.

Upon our move south some 18 years ago we met a very  southern woman and her equally southern husband. We will call her CeeCee and her husband Carl.  To characterize CeeCee, she was a curly-red haired imp. I imagine there was a bit of Scots-Irish in her. She and I hung out together for a bit.  Our families even traveled to the North Georgia mountains, that was a trip and a half. We were introduced to, in my opinion, horrible boiled peanuts and dining with strangers. CeeCee and Carl loved these traditions. My spouse, forever the “yankee/militant former black panther” type, was not so enthused. He had noted on numerous occasions since our arrival of the locals extended gawks. CeeCee said,” We do stare a lot in the south”. Let me get back to what this was really about though. Staring was just a jumping off point for me. Is there ever really an excuse for being rude?

You see given enough time one can find an explanation for virtually anything; but just because you can explain it, doesn’t excuse it. You may say, “I didn’t mean anything by it or I always do that”. You must understand that perceptions play a key role in how particular acts are dealt with, so you don’t get to tell someone else how they should feel about a given situation.

Culture, age, region, and religious influences will affect the way we respond to one another. If only “When in Rome do as the Romans do” were a practicable rule of thumb; unexpected release of gas,  loud outburst of laughter, and yes  lengthy uninterrupted looks would be accepted and disregarded. Since that is NOT the case the next time you find yourself involved in such a situation, if you are the one  staring do a save and throw up a greeting with a wave. If you don’t there is a possibility the one who is being stared at may in a not-so-subtle way throw up a greeting to you, but keep a few of their fingers in the down position.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , | Leave a comment
15 Oct 2011
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Deal With It

I read an inspiring piece this morning, it was in regards to relationships with loved ones. It was not unusual; for it dealt with how limited and uncertain our time on this Earth is, and how we ought to let loved ones know they are loved every day. For as certain as it is that we have loved ones, there is or will be turmoil.

My personal friends and family know that I am an active participant in conflict on a daily basis. I welcome debate and exchanges. They also know I am a “head-on” type and this clashes with my attempts to be a more “gentle-christian” type of individual. I cannot say I have mastered the art of being direct with compassion, and if I am honest I have to say there are often minimal efforts made depending on the circumstances and individual (s) involved. Big surprise, partial confession; no on part one and affirmative on part two.

I completely agree with what I read this morning. I learned that lesson long ago and began practicing what I learned. The problem is the challenges of dealing with individuals. What about the exceptions and the “what-ifs”? What do you really do when those loved ones that you cherish so much happen to be taken from you during that time of turmoil? Truth be known it is not that easy to say at the conclusion of an argument, “yeah well I love you so much”. Be realistic, in most arguments one is caught-up in the moment.

Now I have to get away from sounding so callous and mechanical, now I have to talk about one being the bigger person. There is a pregnant pause here, because I had to take in air. It is not ALL ABOUT YOU, let me make that clear. Now stop taking yourself so very serious, stop feeling sorry for YOU, and look at the big picture. This means saying I am sorry when you are not necessarily the one at fault. It means actively pursuing someone who seemingly does not want to be sought out.

In some cases one has to be away from their normal character, but in this process  the strength of that same character is demonstrated. I am not by any stretch saying this will be easy, but it is easier than some of the other alternatives.  Don’t sell yourself or the ones you love short here. In this direct “deal with it” attitude you come face to face with real feelings and emotions, this allows you to get to some things instead of running away from them.

“I love you but I don’t like you”, may seem cliche’ at times yet often times it is so very true.  You just don’t loose that love for someone because they hurt you or made you angry. Yet that anger and hurt are all so real as well. It is not unheard of or terrible to get or be angry with people you love and care about. Padding that anger with an automatic “I love you” does not change that anger. I think the best thing you can give to ones you love and yourself is honesty, and honesty is a tall order.

Therefore, I say be honest, direct, and real with these people and these feelings. Have compassion and tact in the process, but if by chance something occurs in the midst of some turmoil in your relationship and you do not have an opportunity for a “do over” be comforted in the knowledge that these folks do know you. More than likely at some point they may have been faced with the dilemma of dealing with it as well, but afforded the luxury of time to get through it.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , , ,
23 Sep 2011
1 Comment

Waiting In Line for YOUR Turn

I am going to try not to rant and rave here. However, I cannot make any promises. I want to first give a couple of personal experiences as examples to reference.

At the pharmacy of a certain health care group my better half stood in line to pick up his medication. Without belaboring the matter, saying that this is generally a long process is the short version. Seemingly, out of no where a woman walked in front of him and stood. He is not a  small, calm, or overly friendly man. Even in the best of moods he can become let’s say, abrasive rather rapidly. This rude  unexplained action prompted immediate response from him, he would later relay he was surprised. The response was, “EXCUSE ME”. To which the woman turned and as-a-matter-of-factly said, “I was in line but had to tell my husband something….” He went on to tell her that it would have been nice if she had demonstrated and utilized elementary manners by asking to return to the spot she had vacated for a short amount of time. However, he permitted her to go on and take the spot back after she was thoroughly embarrassed.

I was waiting in line at a local gas station with my son, there was a man and his small son ahead of me. They both left the line before they were called to the counter.  During their absence several other patrons came inside and joined the line. The man and his son returned and stood along side of me now. He never made eye contact or said a word, I was conscious of them though. When the next clerk was available I simultaneously walked to the counter as he called out “next in line please”. The man and the small boy did not move but stayed off to the side. I do believe it may have been different had I been alone.

We are all in a hurried, pressed for time state, yet what makes one feel as though their time is any more precious than yours? These two scenarios are just recent occurrences that stand out, of course there have been others. In the first one here is my take the woman was presumptuous. Since she knew she had been in line she felt like she was entitled to return to that spot. I ask “why”, what would give her that impression. In the second example, the man was trying to be sly. He did not want to get in line because now others were ahead of him. He figured I would recall seeing him in line and I would either let him go ahead of me or he would make the attempt anyway. In both cases these individuals were wrong.

There are some very basic rules that must be applied when one is in line. There is also a state of mind one must embrace and conform to. As my spouse pointed out to his line busting perpetrator, manners would have helped. In either case the very least one should do is make eye contact, no matter what you think you owe that other person acknowledgement that they are present. The next thing that MUST occur is you must speak to this unknown individual and I might add it should be in a polite voice. These situations do not warrant a commanding oration. Finally, realize you are at the mercy of this unknown individual. This means if not handled properly you could end up on the receiving end of a less than pleasant predicament, in which the small scale result could be embarrassment.

I want to remind you that once you are in line you must stay in line to insure your spot. Let me make this clear, if you get out of line you loose your place. Your mere presence in a line does not insure that spot indefinitely, otherwise people would not camp out all night for tickets to concerts or to get specially priced retail items. The line signifies that there are going to be other people that have need of service and/or merchandise around the same time, and the only way to accommodate them all is for people to be served one at a time on a first come first serve basis. THUS, A LINE!

Newsflash: people you are not the only one on this Earth, stop behaving as though you are. Be patient, be respectful, and simply wait your turn.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , ,
19 Aug 2011
1 Comment

IX-Hafathetime

With 60 plus posts behind me, I am at a place where I must make a few decisions. Do I continue this blog or do I dedicate some serious time to writing my book? Time is so very important to us all, for we never know how much we have.

Sunday we were examining eternity and the present in church. Eternity being something that is truly beyond our idea of understanding. How can one, by our standards, really comprehend what one has never experienced? It seems clear we will all reach this place eventually, though what we will actually find is “still up in the air.”

The present, a place all too real for most of us. This is a place that I look upon as a construction site. It is ever changing and needs more work to get to the finished product. Problem here is the finished product keeps changing. The blueprints are marred with erasure marks and it is getting harder and harder to see what we are ultimately trying to complete. This is the place where we can actively affect what our eternity will be and it is filled with near misses, mistakes, confusion, and controversy. More reality; if we don’t get it right here in the present, our future and eternity may not yield the desired results.

Later in the day I joined a group that pleasantly took me back in time. I spent several hours on one nostalgic journey after another.  Just that quick I realized I was focusing on something I could not have. I was escaping to the past. There is nothing wrong with visiting places we do not have real access to, as long as it does not become too time consuming. The retreat can all too quickly become a deep longing, an obsession.

When I find myself going astray in these matters I try to find something that gets me back to task, I do something for someone else. At numerous times I find I feel as though I will never be able to live up to what I think is expected of me, but there is no feeling that matches  the one you get when you do something that makes another person feel better.  You are given back a sense, that it is not all about you.  You get a piece of peace and a sliver of time to reflect on that which is not promised to us, now what are you going to do with this time.

Posted in Hafwaythroughpoints and tagged , ,
14 Jun 2011
1 Comment

VIII-Haftonowhatuwant

This actually began as the question: “what do you want?” It was addressing someone else. I soon realized this question applied to me as well, and the fact that I did not know the answer.  There certainly is an answer, but do you or I dare reveal it.

Free Time at this stage is both an opponent and a companion. There are always things to do, you can always find things to do, therefore being in a rest state makes me feel less accomplished. There is this overwhelming sense that I should be doing something productive. When I do allow myself the Free Time, it still comes with a challenge. In a visceral way the mind must be active, and naturally query occurs. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just lounge around and feel free to just go-with-the-flow?

Example; there is a re-entry of someone in your life. Initially, the excitement and anticipation happens. Then the lull comes, it even deteriorates to minimal contact. What is next? Do you sever the newly established ties or do you  just go along, wait and see? Free Time is in the opponent mode here, therefore this is going to end up in the scrap pile. Inevitably the question arises why the scrap heap, well it is simple the underlying question was/is”what do you want”. You wanted something more didn’t you, something defined and something you could wrap your mind around. No one likes these pieces of obscurity dangling around them without a clear cut purpose. Remember who we have holding onto our arm as a companion and quite a demanding one at that, Free Time.

With conviction and a sense of absolution we make a commitment, either literal or psychological, to what we say we think we want. Yet the more distant and out of each “it” is the better we really like it. For how else could we be able to  convince ourselves that this thing that escapes us is the one thing we truly want and that “it” is what is necessary to complete us.

Knowing what you want is scary; it is scary to have the desire, it is scary if we get what we want, and scary if we don’t.  Who among us wants to face up to fear and apprehension? To characterize this period of our lives one would have to say we are truly in a state of definite maybes, a holding pattern and perhaps we aren’t any closer to what or where we figured we would be a couple of decades ago. We have the feeling we should be actively doing something to change that.  What exactly should we be doing though?. One of our bigger dilemmas is we still have that expectation that things should be different. We cannot be carefree because we know better, life has taught us a lesson or two on that very subject. We cannot just accept things for what they are, because we believe we still have too much life left to live for compromising.

Therefore carry on with the knowledgeable and gregarious spirit that allows you to continue on towards what you want and what you need. Trust that when you do come across “it”, when you find “it” in your sights, you will recognize and take a hold of what you want.

Posted in Hafwaythroughpoints and tagged , , ,

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