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On And On

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who tries to out talk you? You know the type; constant interruptions or the loud overbearing volume and tone of their voice. It can be to  say the least annoying. Now let’s approach this from another angle. Have you ever found yourself going on about a subject that the other person you are speaking with “says” they understand?

I am reminded of the illustrious James Brown and a song he did called “Talkin Loud and Sayin Nothing”. The example I gave before truly fit the bill in one way or another. People will often ask for something that they truly do not want; OPINION. All people like this want is to have a captive audience, which will give the appearance of conversation.

I have been told on more occasion than one, that I have a tendency to be redundant, by someone close to me. Well I tell you was insulted, I was angry, and I felt rebellion and contempt toward this special person for saying that to me. However, as I thought back, I realized that there could be a bit of validity to what was said. Although, I still did not appreciate what was being said.  I felt that if I was actually being heard, there would not be a need for me to repeat myself or  go “on and on”.  This flawed method was unintentional on my part. Yet to the avail of my counterpart mission accomplished; I was silenced of sorts, if not that at least stifled.

Now I was reluctant to voice my opinion and often said nothing at all. This gave “free-run” to my accuser. Sheer stubbornness would not allow me to say a word when inside I was screaming with opinion. Now all I have to offer on most occasions is, “I don’t know, what do you think?” Does this fix things, not really. However, I do not have to engage with someone who only wants to hear their own voice.

Conversation is a very delicate and complicated thing. Many people think of it as simply vocalizing and this is clearly visible in their conversations. There are steps that must be taken to have a successful meaningful conversation, the first being the willingness to listen. You will not often run into someone that lacks understanding, what you find more often than not is the unwillingness to allow another point of view to be expressed.

A big void exists in relationships when interested parties cannot communicate. It doesn’t matter in the long run if it is inability or simply bullheadedness,  the end result will be the same. In your communication ventures should you run across the “on and on” dilemma, take a moment and dissect the situation.  Find out who you are, the one who goes “on and on” or are you the one who is pointing the finger.

I cannot give you an answer, for my stubborn solution is not a successful one.  I do know there has to be a better way; to the perpetrator really try to listen, and to the finger-pointer maybe try visuals, flash cards, sign language. Perhaps somewhere in-between the participating parties will discover what they are really saying to one another, or at least make an honest effort in that direction.

What Happened To Our Common Ground

Today I married my best friend. How wonderful is this feeling, knowing that I’ve got this special person’s back and I am equally protected.  Come on back to Earth with me now folks, that was just an example of expressed, undying love. I mean it says best friend and ideally it would be great, but is it real? Are you and your spouse/mate truly friends or do you say it is so because it sounds good. If you were friends at one time what changed things? When did you first realize you were asking the question, “What happened to our common ground?”

When a marriage breaks up after twenty plus years, it is tragic to say the least. I ask, what took so long and why did they stay if this was so bad for so long. I must interject that a marriage break up is tragic no matter what amount of time has passed. Yes, I am makings some serious generalizations here, but maybe you know someone who is facing this  right now. Maybe that someone is you.

It takes a lifetime to get to know someone, but there are things that are visible about them the instant you meet them. One has to have strength, open mind, and be willing to act. These are not uncommon attributes, but for fear of being alone we let things go. Then you wake up and realize that you really did not let those things go at all, you simply buried them in a shallow unmarked grave. A grave that is on unstable ground and not dug very deep, and the results surprise you?

We like  knowing what will come next. In our youth surprises are welcomed and exciting. As we age they are viewed in a less favorable fashion and avoided. The illustrious “governator” gave his wife and family a surprise a few weeks ago. To say the least it was poorly planned and not well received.

The ability to see that “common ground” becomes harder and harder as our vision starts to deteriorate. How can we get there if one of our main vehicles breaks down? Now you cannot see this imaginary place, and you certainly cannot get there without knowing the direction you should be traveling in. Who knows it may not even be there any longer. What if it is simply unrecognizable, because you have not bothered to care for it.

“Common ground” should be treated as a garden. You have to tend to the garden, it requires care and attention. You have to visit, water, fertilize, and weed that garden if you want the good things in it to grow.

With Conditions

This is how we gauge ourselves and the things we do, isn’t it. We make purchases based on conditions. We involve ourselves in activities and with people as well. It seems to be the smart thing to do, because in effect we are “covering all the bases”.

In my youth I watched an interview with Maurice White of Earth, Wind and Fire. I remember ever so clearly how he remarked about the love of a baby. How it was free, unconditional, and how great it would be if we could fashion our adult relationships after them. I thought, wow that is so wonderful and amazing. Imagine someone taking you as you are, no requirements to be this way or that way. Of course that sounded amazing to a teenaged  girl, an individual whose entire social existence is defined by conditions.

For years to come unconsciously, I would search and strive to have that unconditional love relationship again. I say again, because at one point in my life I did have it even if it was in infancy. I smile at the thought of it, because no matter how much you love your parents that unconditional love, well couldn’t it possibly be borne out of dependency?

What I did not think about at the time was that the idea in itself of unconditional love, was a relationship with conditions all of its own. “Hollywood” still capitalizes off of our fantasy to find that perfect love, the love that allows us to be exactly who we are and have no need to explain or excuse ourselves. “And they lived happily ever after”, it looks and sounds so pretty. No conflicts or complaints, sounds like someone here is unrealistic, needy, dependent, or all of the above.

We want perfection, but are we perfect? Do you have the right to place such a requirement on someone, when you yourself cannot live up to those very same stipulations. It is only fair and it is also very difficult to live up to that type of standard. You will ultimately find yourself, unhappy or alone. I am not simply talking about love relationships here.

I submit this, there are no perfect people here on Earth, therefore it is impossible to find perfection in a person. One has to find what will actually work for oneself. Look for acceptable;  not tolerable, not bearable for the very names suggest less than desired,  for it is  in that acceptable you will find and receive acceptance.

They Are So Much More Than Me

Self-image is so much more than the visuals. I have never like photographs of me. I laughingly say, “they look too much like me”. It is not a joke but a vicious truth; for when you are not happy with the way you look, a statement like that is merely self-revealing. However, I will caution you to NOT take yourself so seriously.

I rifled through my pictures today, some on the computer some in hard copy. It was amazing. I traveled through time and revisited my parents in their youth, I looked at my children through various stages of their lives and experienced my grandchild all over again.  I am in awe of each of them, I am grateful to God for them, but I don’t often consciously think of how they are connected to me. I love them in spite of the fact they are related to me not simply because they are related to me. Don’t get this wrong, I am not overtly filled with self-hatred or self-loathing, I just do not feel worthy of any of them.  I am proud and in amazed by all of them. Ah yes, another snapshot courtesy of self-image.

Not unlike a camera lens, self image can take on a variety of characteristics. Many factors have to be taken into account as to why the image looks the way it does; equipment, angle, lighting and focus will all affect the look of the subject. However, the mind’s eye is a very significant factor here, for it affects the physiological and the psychological.

These self-images will determine the types of relationships we have and with whom. After all, who knows you better than you?  Doesn’t arrogance mar knowledge at times?When that happens disaster is inevitable. After enough disasters, hopefully the knowledge will neutralize the arrogance. Then step back and take a look of those people so near and dear to you. Connected by something simple as a bloodline. Realize those relationships that are/were affected by the  afore mentioned self image may be responsible for some of the beings in your life, and some of the beings in your life that made you who you are can take credit for your self image at least as  in part.

Ancestors and descendents they are all still family; and in the big picture, in the grand scheme of things we all are a part of something massive and wonderful. Our roles as individuals  are essential.

Lost and Aware

Realization came crashing in. Ignore it if you will, but it does not stop. Something strange was happening, in the beginning it was very obvious and out in the open where it could be seen. As time went on it became less and less visible on the surface, but it was always there just below the surface, waiting to pounce. Now it rarely shows in the fashion it used to, but it is there just the same.

Have you ever lost something? It is a miserable feeling. Being a collector makes losing something seem so much  more intense. What does the loss signify? Well were you careless, are you becoming forgetful, or did it just happen. You see there is a remedy for the first, the second can be consciously worked on and with some success, but the third is as unbelievable as it is dishonest.

In the exploration of this subject one has to first admit that we are all collectors of something, on one level or the other. Being unaware that you are a collector does not stop you from being one. Therefore, it does make you subject to the rules of collecting.  Ask yourself why you are collecting and what exactly you want to collect? What are you planning on doing with your collection and how long are you going to collect? This is a good start for a beginning collector. It is thought through and rather precise. One thing that I have found that holds true in this life on every plain I have encountered, with out a plan things are sure to go awry.

A good collector has a plan, with purpose and place at the focal point. A bad collector simply will eventually become a hoarder. The one that has no symmetry, his collection has gone all wrong. There is no way of determining what is being collected or why. The hoarder is overwhelmed and eventually will fall victim to his very own “mess”. All the time not knowing how this came to be; but a closer look will reveal this did not just happen, and it did in fact take steps.

Again I ask the question have you ever lost something? During the process did someone close to you or even someone who just happened to be there asked, “Where did you see/have it last?” While this question is both stupid and annoying at the time, think of how many times you have located that lost item. This lends validity to the title Lost and Aware on a primary level; for if you loose something and retrieve it later you were aware of its location, if you throw something away carelessly you no longer have it but you are aware of your actions thus explaining why you no longer have this thing. It takes away our ability to say, I don’t know where______ is and/or I don know how I lost it. Once again we have to face up to our shortcomings, but also we are given another unique opportunity to fix them.

Let’s Fix This

This sounds like it is a simple enough task. First we have to assess the damage though, we cannot simply jump in there and start working without knowing what we are up against. We may leave out or completely miss a very necessary step. Wait a minute, I think this will be an ideal spot for some blame.

It would be nice if someone would step up and say, “I assume all responsibility here and if you give me an opportunity I will rectify the situation”, but that would take a lot more character than we sometimes have available to us. Honestly, didn’t you see this coming? Why do we make the determination that if we act as though nothing is wrong, no one else will be able to see that there is.

Doing things the right way, doing the right thing is not as easy as it sounds. It should be though. There is the element of lazy, there is the need to outsmart and then when you get caught there is the denial and search for a scapegoat.

My offered solution is that take up a task, you do what you are doing with your first thought of God. If you work like you are doing that individual job for the Lord, I am sure it will take on an entirely new meaning for you. In the times where I have lost sight of that, I have invariably lost out. Here I am, AGAIN, having to pick up after what I should have taken care of properly in the first place. Remorseful and embarrassed, I hope NOT to be in this place again. However, my track record for being human stands intact and unblemished. Therefore, I am off to do some damage control and accept whatever the outcome may be.

Ignoring History

It is said that, “Fools who do not know history are destined to repeat it”. I want this to reach people who are oblivious to this, as well as ones who are aware. Sometimes things stare at you in the face and you still walk right into them.

Of mistakes, all parents want to spare their offspring the pains and discomforts of life. We would like their paths to be filled with success and bounty. If they must experience difficulty let it be minor, and let them be prepared to escape the bad as rapidly as possible and recover from it even faster.

In a hopeful state I believe I will get this out and rescue the inhabitants of a “sinking ship”. As I watch the animosity from its conception, I see it growing with intolerance. Although, one cannot truly direct the paths of adults one can try. Fearfully, I address an ill feeling that I am somehow responsible. I am helpless and incompetent. The only thing I have to offer is what I have lived through and am currently living with. Not wanting  this to happen to you, but still unwilling to offer the olive leaf. Have I condemned you with my stubbornness? It may be as simple as a self examination; what do you need to do to rectify your situation and are you willing to try?

We work very hard to try to make our children better than us, but they are us. They see us in our weakest hours at our most vulnerable states, and no matter how we try to hide these things from them, they see anyway. Let see if we can fix these things that seem to be on the road to irreparable damage. Sure they can be fixed, they require a bit of work. You need to discover the truth; your truth, their truth, and the real truth. Take the blame away and be willing to say, “I am sorry” and mean it.  Saying I am sorry doesn’t always require you know why you are sorry, just that you are willing to express it with sincerity.

This is just a start, but doesn’t each journey require a first step?

I’m Always Grumpy In The Morning

Do you know people like this. They growl, snort, or give off a silent air of contempt until they have had a morning cup of java or a specific amount of time has passed since they were plucked from the arms of their slumber. No matter how understandable this is, it does not make it right and it certainly does not make it any less annoying.

Some of this comes from wanting a later start, I am sure there are a number of folks that would prefer morning started at noon. Early has always been a part of my life, if I sleep until nine it feels like I have lost  a great deal of the productive day.

What do you do if your day does start off bad? Do you carry it around and share it with others, or do you try to get beyond it. I promise you no one wants a share of “your bad”, they probably have some of their own. Yet, if you make an effort to get beyond this stuff and give out some positive energy, you may  in deed get a good deal of positive back. All I am saying is you really have nothing to loose.

It is amazing what  your mind can do. Work on a way to get that morning started better right in bed. If it is saying a prayer aloud or silently, if it means laying there a second or two telling yourself” It is going to be a good morning”,  if you have time and energy for an indulgence of the youthful, go for it!

Waking up gives us all another opportunity to make the changes in our lives that will take us closer to our destiny. Yet this wonderful gift is often time taken for granted and treated as though it is a crime that it arrived. Morning generally associated with beginnings, it sets the tone for the day. Do you really want your next 24 hours to be a reflection of a bad start? Therefore, I will bring this to an end with a bit of nostalgia from the 1970’s. Have a nice day.

What Ifs and Why Didn’ts

Curious how in the middle of things, those type of questions rear their heads. It can make one somewhat breathless as you allow your mind to travel there. The land of endless promise and hope, now a desolate wasteland of reality.

The cliffs that overlooked the ocean, the kiss that took your breath away and the song you heard playing in your head. How about the job across the country that you passed up for the familiarity of home. For years these memories stay with you and then one day the memory walks into your life again in the most random form. Oddly enough it is as though no time has passed, but you have to realize that a lifetime has gone by. There you are stuck in a state of wonder.

Sometimes when it is quiet, I put on some soft/smooth jazz and search the archives of my mind. There I find some dust covered recollection. I wipe it off and begin thumbing through. Being ever mindful that this is very delicate, even touchy stuff. I don’t want to damage it, but am aware bringing it into the light could easily destroy whatever else it is exposed to. I still have to take a peek, because some of this is really good.

The plans were made, but when the time came to execute something went wrong. It had to occur to you that this ended the way it should. No matter the reason, failure itself was an indicator that this was flawed to begin with. The next time you are face to face you act as though nothing happened, although you know something really did. You sit at your desk and push aside the newspaper that holds an article about a former colleague just named CEO in the company that you bypassed and know he was the second choice to you back then.

State of mind has all to do with the way you view this feeling of limbo. If you are happy, you merely dismiss it with a slight smile. If you are not happy those endless possibilities begin to take over.

It is unfortunate for some that life does not supply us with a built-in closer, someone to finish the job one who will tie up the loose ends. My closer would have to come with an extra push accessory. That speaks to personal, as well as career driven subjects.

I think a major contributor or culprit to our mind’s state of inquiry is the expectation factor. Examine it a little. Let’s suppose your “What if/Why didn‘t” concerned a certain individual and it didn’t pan out don’t you think of the possibilities from the standpoint of; “this aspect of life wouldn’t be this way because “blank” would do things in the fashion I would want”. If it concerns a business venture or employment; “that job, or position, or deal would have changed my entire life ,because it certainly would have made things better from an economic standpoint just for starters”. We want a positive result, we have a different reality therefore it is only natural that we would EXPECT  things to turn out better if we had gone the other way.

We are simply too one dimensional and romantic in our thought patterns to just travel a small step beyond, when these yearnings enter in our minds. Check out the flip side, if you will. Life is filled with possibilities; when you do find yourself romanticizing about them give yourself the benefit of the doubt, and realize there may be a down side to the fantasy.

All Things Good

This is about an aspect of the individual I am, and the influences that I believe can be attributed to why I am the way I am. In short I credit the bulk of the positive to others and I assume the responsibility for the negative. However, through it all it is just me. Basically, a mild character analysis.

A lifetime ago I read Colleen McCullough’s The Thorn Birds. There was a line in the novel where Cardinal Ralph de Bricassart told,  unbeknownst to him, his illegitimate son Dane not to follow in his footsteps because he had broken every sacred vow to God and the Catholic Church. Well I am not as bad as Cardinal deBricassart, but I have sinned in my life. It is not really important to what extent, what sins I have committed or even how many times. I am simply owning up to being human.

As I recall what I believe is my first conscious memory of the first time I was reprimanded for doing something wrong, that was major. We must eliminate the spankings for not listening or making too much noise, they count there are just too many.

Beyond pain and punishment what will really keep you from doing what you really want to do? As small children we are at the mercy of our parents, when you become older and then an adult there are outsiders who do not care about you that one must deal with, the very thing your parents warned you about. There was the drawing power of something forbidden and the strength of ones need to do what they want.

I have watched myself and others caught, having to own up to these wrongs. I will not say there are no regrets, but I do believe there is quite a ratio of difference between being truly sorry and sorry that one was caught.  Honestly, I do not really like to think about that difference. There it is my “Ugly Truth”.

As we grow older we like to/tend to ignore we used to act on our devil-may-care whims. Sometimes we forget, oftentimes we pretend to. That is okay as long as you keep it to yourself and do not try to judge others for what they are currently doing incorrectly. I suggest helping instead; that means abandoning the self-righteous attitude, it doesn’t work for it is simply not believable.

I wish I could dance like no one was watching, but there are the inhibitions that keep me at bay. I wonder why there wasn’t something as strong that would have kept me from doing the questionable things? Although a simple matter of faith should have been my deterrent.

I search to end with something profound, I turn to my Bible and I suggest you do the same.