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Archive for the category “How We Relate”

15 Oct 2011
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Deal With It

I read an inspiring piece this morning, it was in regards to relationships with loved ones. It was not unusual; for it dealt with how limited and uncertain our time on this Earth is, and how we ought to let loved ones know they are loved every day. For as certain as it is that we have loved ones, there is or will be turmoil.

My personal friends and family know that I am an active participant in conflict on a daily basis. I welcome debate and exchanges. They also know I am a “head-on” type and this clashes with my attempts to be a more “gentle-christian” type of individual. I cannot say I have mastered the art of being direct with compassion, and if I am honest I have to say there are often minimal efforts made depending on the circumstances and individual (s) involved. Big surprise, partial confession; no on part one and affirmative on part two.

I completely agree with what I read this morning. I learned that lesson long ago and began practicing what I learned. The problem is the challenges of dealing with individuals. What about the exceptions and the “what-ifs”? What do you really do when those loved ones that you cherish so much happen to be taken from you during that time of turmoil? Truth be known it is not that easy to say at the conclusion of an argument, “yeah well I love you so much”. Be realistic, in most arguments one is caught-up in the moment.

Now I have to get away from sounding so callous and mechanical, now I have to talk about one being the bigger person. There is a pregnant pause here, because I had to take in air. It is not ALL ABOUT YOU, let me make that clear. Now stop taking yourself so very serious, stop feeling sorry for YOU, and look at the big picture. This means saying I am sorry when you are not necessarily the one at fault. It means actively pursuing someone who seemingly does not want to be sought out.

In some cases one has to be away from their normal character, but in this process  the strength of that same character is demonstrated. I am not by any stretch saying this will be easy, but it is easier than some of the other alternatives.  Don’t sell yourself or the ones you love short here. In this direct “deal with it” attitude you come face to face with real feelings and emotions, this allows you to get to some things instead of running away from them.

“I love you but I don’t like you”, may seem cliche’ at times yet often times it is so very true.  You just don’t loose that love for someone because they hurt you or made you angry. Yet that anger and hurt are all so real as well. It is not unheard of or terrible to get or be angry with people you love and care about. Padding that anger with an automatic “I love you” does not change that anger. I think the best thing you can give to ones you love and yourself is honesty, and honesty is a tall order.

Therefore, I say be honest, direct, and real with these people and these feelings. Have compassion and tact in the process, but if by chance something occurs in the midst of some turmoil in your relationship and you do not have an opportunity for a “do over” be comforted in the knowledge that these folks do know you. More than likely at some point they may have been faced with the dilemma of dealing with it as well, but afforded the luxury of time to get through it.

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23 Sep 2011
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Waiting In Line for YOUR Turn

I am going to try not to rant and rave here. However, I cannot make any promises. I want to first give a couple of personal experiences as examples to reference.

At the pharmacy of a certain health care group my better half stood in line to pick up his medication. Without belaboring the matter, saying that this is generally a long process is the short version. Seemingly, out of no where a woman walked in front of him and stood. He is not a  small, calm, or overly friendly man. Even in the best of moods he can become let’s say, abrasive rather rapidly. This rude  unexplained action prompted immediate response from him, he would later relay he was surprised. The response was, “EXCUSE ME”. To which the woman turned and as-a-matter-of-factly said, “I was in line but had to tell my husband something….” He went on to tell her that it would have been nice if she had demonstrated and utilized elementary manners by asking to return to the spot she had vacated for a short amount of time. However, he permitted her to go on and take the spot back after she was thoroughly embarrassed.

I was waiting in line at a local gas station with my son, there was a man and his small son ahead of me. They both left the line before they were called to the counter.  During their absence several other patrons came inside and joined the line. The man and his son returned and stood along side of me now. He never made eye contact or said a word, I was conscious of them though. When the next clerk was available I simultaneously walked to the counter as he called out “next in line please”. The man and the small boy did not move but stayed off to the side. I do believe it may have been different had I been alone.

We are all in a hurried, pressed for time state, yet what makes one feel as though their time is any more precious than yours? These two scenarios are just recent occurrences that stand out, of course there have been others. In the first one here is my take the woman was presumptuous. Since she knew she had been in line she felt like she was entitled to return to that spot. I ask “why”, what would give her that impression. In the second example, the man was trying to be sly. He did not want to get in line because now others were ahead of him. He figured I would recall seeing him in line and I would either let him go ahead of me or he would make the attempt anyway. In both cases these individuals were wrong.

There are some very basic rules that must be applied when one is in line. There is also a state of mind one must embrace and conform to. As my spouse pointed out to his line busting perpetrator, manners would have helped. In either case the very least one should do is make eye contact, no matter what you think you owe that other person acknowledgement that they are present. The next thing that MUST occur is you must speak to this unknown individual and I might add it should be in a polite voice. These situations do not warrant a commanding oration. Finally, realize you are at the mercy of this unknown individual. This means if not handled properly you could end up on the receiving end of a less than pleasant predicament, in which the small scale result could be embarrassment.

I want to remind you that once you are in line you must stay in line to insure your spot. Let me make this clear, if you get out of line you loose your place. Your mere presence in a line does not insure that spot indefinitely, otherwise people would not camp out all night for tickets to concerts or to get specially priced retail items. The line signifies that there are going to be other people that have need of service and/or merchandise around the same time, and the only way to accommodate them all is for people to be served one at a time on a first come first serve basis. THUS, A LINE!

Newsflash: people you are not the only one on this Earth, stop behaving as though you are. Be patient, be respectful, and simply wait your turn.

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20 Sep 2011

“Space Invaders”

Maybe you remember the game.. This is not about a game, it is very real and very serious.

As a being who feels rather independent, one of the most difficult decisions I was forced to make in my early adult life was to return home. I am not talking about coming back to the states from a foreign land. The result of a series of errors and misjudgements I found myself in a financial dilemma; broken and bruised I ran to sanctuary. Fortunately, I left on good terms and I was permitted to return to a place I once called home. My time there was short.  As soon as I was able, I departed from a place I will forever be grateful was there and available to me.

Adults return home more frequently then we like to believe. There is no shame in falling short of expectations. We all make mistakes.  Divorce, hard times, etc. it happens to the best of us. However, if and when you find yourself in such a predicament let me offer a bit of insight. You are now in a territory that is not your own. All the things that you remember, all the things that once were now are a thing of the past. Think of yourself as an “alien”, for that is the only way you will survive. You cannot take anything for granted, the freedoms of being a” go where you want individual” have been suspended.  Unless you are ready to have a miserable existence in the place you now reside in or possibly find yourself without a place to stay, you must assume a role of what might make you feel like a teen who has just gotten their driver’s license.

It helps to be helpful. Things that you let go when you were in your “own spot” do not hold true in your current circumstances. This mean you will probably be picking up the slack for someone else. No matter how unfair this seems, you have to keep reflecting on the fact you are imposing. The best way to not impose is to make your presence a welcomed change rather than a daily annoyance, and this will take some effort on your part.

Finally, you have to realize at any given moment you may inadvertently “wear out your welcome”. Then it is time to go.  Do not allow arrogance and pride to provide you with a one way ticket to the streets. Besides, why are you feeling like your ego is being challenged in a place that generally speaking, the folks around you truly have your best interest at heart. The real trick is to be ready to leave when it is in fact “time”.

No matter how large or small a place is, walls will close in on you. Well meaning family members and/or friends become “clock-watchers”. Everyone wants the ideal situation that is to have company/ guests/ visitors when you want, for however long you want. Beyond that, all these people become and are treated as aliens a.k.a “space invaders”

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19 Sep 2011

Finding That “Perfect” Fit…

This could have taken several directions. I was diverted and conflicted in thought. That made this a personal challenge. Therefore, the end result toke on a life of it’s own and it seemed to “be fitting”.

Shopping used to be fun for me, especially when I was looking to buy something for “me”. I did not need an excuse to shop, all I needed was time. I also did not need to buy anything, but that was often a perk. I enjoyed the entire process; with the exception of the crowd, but even the crowd was manageable once I had what I wanted/needed to purchase out of the way. However, in recent times this guilty pleasure has escaped me. I have to admit that I still quite enjoy making purchases for people I love and care about. My precious granddaughter has afforded me an opportunity to visit the baby and girl’s sections that has eluded me for many years now, on a regular basis. Yet, it still isn’t the same.

I could blame it all on the current economy, but that does not prevent me from indulging my pass-time in the state of”window shopping”. Time or a lack of it could claim some responsibility, but if I wanted I could make time. The desire has escaped me and with good reason; I have made the process a task, and frankly I have enough tasks already. In an effort to be efficient and smart I  have employed steps to making purchases. The steps are: desire/need, target area for search, visit said area for possible purchase, make purchase. I thought it was the smart thing to do. The random and impulse shopping is virtually eliminated. I also eliminated the fun and joy. Thus, my last adventure.

It was time, because I hadn’t purchased one in about a year. A lot of things can happen to your body in a years time. When you pass the half-century mark, unless you are disciplined a lot of things do. I am not disciplined. I made the dreaded decision to go an buy a new one or at least browse for one. I was not looking forward to it either. I thought about how in my earlier years my best buddies and I would turn the need of something like this into an all day outing… Yeah right, I wanted to accomplish the task and be back home inside of an hour. This was an equally ridiculous thought. By-the-way the item I was searching for, if you haven’t guessed was in the intimate apparel department. Yes, an exciting bra.

See what I told you about making this into a task?  I recall being told that a certain mega-star talk show hostess supreme(who I did not watch, but that’s another story) had a show discussing and demonstration how’s and why’s of bra’s fittings, purchases, and number needs. I also recall thinking,”huuum she has run out of show ideas”.

I walked into what I hoped and honestly needed to be my first, last, and only department store. Although, I did not believe that was going to be the case. I walked through departments barely giving a glance to items set in plain sight to get you to stop. I was on a mission, the intimate apparel area was targeted and I honed in on it.

Beautiful colors and styles were everywhere, I paid no attention. I wanted to go directly to my size, pick one, and move on to the check-out stand.  Then I could relax and head home.  I am going to give a conservative estimate and say there were about,what my mind told me, fifty-five trillion bras and furthermore none of them appealed to me. I made that determination inside of five minutes. As you can tell all of my good planning had gone to waste, I did not want to be here and I was not going to find anything. The smartest thing I could /should do is walk right out and come back when I was actually ready to make a good effort. I did not. Instead I laboriously rummaged through a couple of racks, beginning in the clearance sale area. Did I mention I am very frugal when it comes to most things for me? I want the best there is to offer at 1980 prices, and I think this is perfectly normal and understandable.  A full three and a half minutes into this I knew I wasn’t going to find anything. I dubbed this an impossible task…. and then there it was a voice…. as though divine intervention had come to save me from this “fate-worse-than-death” search for a bra. “Searching for the right bra for you? 9 out of 10 women are currently wearing the wrong sized bra. Come in on Tuesday August 16th and let our experts measure you and find the right one JUST FOR YOU. Sign up in customer service today for your scheduled appointment and get the customized fit you want and need.” I was the first one there.

To say I had an unrealistic expectation, is an understatement of monstrous proportions. Yet, I felt this was my answer. I had toyed with the idea of going to an intimate apparel salon and have them do this magical fitting and pull a perfect bra for me right out of some mysterious drawer that had been hiding from me. I had even accepted that this was not going to be an inexpensive venture. I was prepared, I was ready, I just somehow never quite got around to completing the task. Well for this chain of events to unfold like it did with the expert basically coming right to me… I knew it was going to be my answer.

I met with the fitting expert and the short version, it was like having a stranger with you on a shopping venture, minus the fitting/measuring. I came to this realization after the fifth bra selection. There was a lot of build up, for an ultimate let down.

This experience can be likened to relationships and friendships; there are no short cuts, no magical solutions, no easy way outs. You must invest time and effort into anything worth doing and there still may not be the desired result. Plus the desired result may be the root of the problem. When it is all said and done at the end of the day, you have the satisfaction of knowing you did you best and made a conscious effort. Also, try to avoid anything that has the adjective “perfect” attached to them we tend to take that word LITERALLY.

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