And I Love Him…
Basking in the residue of time spent with him“; my body and mind tell me what I resist admitting. I AM a romantic and I LOVE “LOVE “. He simply is the personification of it. Therefore, when I feel the need to not just show him, but to say this it takes all that is within me to take hold of myself and STOP. STOP before disaster strikes. STOP, before I turn over my soul, my very being to one who clearly does not care about me in a significant way.
This is “middle school“. There he is. You see him navigating down the crowded hall between classes trying to arrive at his destination on time. You must do the same, but you chance being late to catch that glimpse of him. WHY would you do that? WHY would you risk YOUR wellbeing for a brief look at one who doesn’t even see you or know you exist?
40 years later you are back where you started. You see you developed a pattern, way back when you were developing. When you were becoming who you were going to be, you interrupted that personal growth for someone else. It felt good, it felt nice to temporarily be distracted from your own reality to become emersed in what was oh-so-pleasant. Then it ended or did it…
Life plays tricks on us; what seems like and ending can often times be a pause, what seems like love is merely a game or an ego trip (that door swings both ways). We find ourselves in the middle of the turmoil and confusion charged with the job of translating. Translating can be quite daunting, especially when you do not speak the “language“. Ill-equipped we push forward anyway with results that are often, at best, random.
For some reason that boy from “middle school” has once again invaded your life. Circumstances and sad coincidence put the two of you in the same place. The memories, of what was versus what ACTUALLY was, have blurred lines. It seems different, he seems different (4 decades tend to bring about changes). However, no different than before YOU see what YOU want to see, what YOU need to see in order for this thing that IS happening again make sense. What will stop YOU, who will tap YOU on the shoulder? It will invariably be him and your subconscious; these two elements are quite familiar with one another. “They” recognized this disaster from the very start, and “they” recognize this same energy now. Therefore, all YOU have to do is select the “correct door”. The door that will lead to what YOU want and what is best for YOU. They should be the same. They are not and against your better judgement YOU do what YOU did before, your excuse/explanation is it will be right this time …and I love him.
hafacenturyncounting 