Well, it finally has happened. I thought I was immune. I knew the risks involved and felt I was up to the challenges. I have “weathered a few storms” and I chocked it up to process. However, I truly got blindsided. What’s more is I see myself retreating, in spite of the fact I know I must continue on.
Look, all of us have had experiences that stop us in our tracks. Most of the time we look at these experiences, take the information obtained, and use it the next time. I can only recall having the wind taken out of me, in my early days of dating. That happened because I had never traveled certain roads before.
Today a seasoned veteran, there was a bit of cockiness. I was self-assured, I did not feel invincible, but I felt like I would not get in so deep that I would not see certain dangers as they approached, let alone smack me in the back of my head. Yet, here I sit, injured, examining my wounds, and not knowing if I want to heal the injury or hope that I am not really looking at an actual wound. I am telling myself ridiculous things like,” maybe I am misinterpreting things…”
I now must admit I feel fear in treading the waters of the dating world. I have been hurt. I want revenge, I want retribution, but through it all I would give anything to be wrong. I know this cut is a deep one… I did not know or believe that one could still have this kind of feeling. It wasn’t this breathless when it was going on. Maybe because I was in denial, maybe because I told myself…”I like him, and I am possibly on the way to bigger and better”. However, I now know I was already at “bigger and better” and all the denial on the planet does not change what I am now experiencing.
Getting over and beyond him is only one aspect of this thing, I must now go through what seems to be considerable changes. I am pondering not wanting to put myself in a forum where this is possible again. That both frightens and saddens me. It is time to take a break, I think. I need to re-evaluate things, I need to revisit some ideas and yes, I need time to “lick my wounds“.
Truth is somewhere in between, wanting to inflict the same disappointment on this individual and relief that we did not work out, is real confusion. I not only let my guard down, but I was also adventurous (or naive) enough to relax some of my own requirements. I did this with my eyes wide open and as my inner voice was shouting,” You know you don’t like this and/or that characteristic”. I gauge how I am dealing with my feelings with a barometer, which has readings ranging from strong to indifferent. He is still teetering in the middle; I know that is a dangerous spot. He could slip back in; hey I might even be tempted to invite him back. That would be a tragic disaster in my opinion. He’d be armed with the knowledge I had felt something for him, and I accepted that which was unacceptable. He would have free reign and I would be handing it to him. See I already know the place we are now in, SHOULD digress to nothingness, for MY OWN GOOD.
The take-away here, the moral of this story… follow your first mind or be prepared to face the consequences.