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Archive for the category “Epiphany”

15 Mar 2013
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Dancin With The Devil

Waking from a pretty fantastic sleep this thought/portion of a quote occurred to me. I was not happy for I am not wanting to be awakened, and certainly not with such a dubious thought.  Well needless to say I could not go back to sleep and I said,” Well this will be an interesting subject matter to address”.

Several variations came to my mind, the quote of Max California in 8mm, the Nietzche quote regarding “the abyss” morphed into “What if you danced with the devil and the devil looked like you”. Honestly, I have no idea what that  last quote means or where it came from; only my interpretation was something to do with self righteousness and becoming that which you despise. Then I began to ponder things, and I cannot say I was completely thrilled with the results when it came to me.

Have you ever set a “trap” or made plans for someone else and found yourself right in the throws of things yourself? I know my answer. At these time the realization that we human beings are but victims of the cliche’s we try so hard to avoid saying aloud, comes crashing through. Upon further investigation or observation we  come face-to-face with the fact that, we live those very same cliche’s. Denial is simply our way of dealing with this truth.

For decades I put myself in a toxic environment. I did this knowingly and without reservation. In arrogance or stupidity I convinced myself it would NOT rub off on me. One day a midst a dastardly deed, it crossed my mind that I was as foul as the individuals around me. I quickly dismissed the thought and this helped me convince myself I was nothing like “them”.

In the beginning that may have been true, but year after year of exposure to such an environmental wasteland you learn to adjust and adapt, rather than trying to improve or escape the surroundings. Before the ultimate fall I caught a glimpse of my assassin and she had a strangely familiar face.

When the voice of reason tells you to stop and look at what you are doing or what you are becoming,  STOP and take note. There may still be hope and time for you to make the change. If you don’t, well there is nothing like waking to the image of your “evil twin” hovering over you with something designed to destroy you, and knowing that same “evil twin” will derive nothing but pleasure out of doing just that. Now who shall you blame?

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03 Feb 2013

Y

The short title is to give you relief from what I believe will be a long read, but then we will see how it flows.

After “The Week From Hell”, I settled into what I hoped would be a calm, renewing weekend.  I lie to myself, push myself, and try very hard to self-motivate. However, I got hit really hard this week. In spite of all the things I know I have to live for this weekend, I said, “You know what, this is BS.”

I got to thinking how many other folks out there are faced with such a week, month, day (no particular order here)? I can tell you how draining it is. I can tell you that there is a feeling of being lost, for you are only searching for answers to take your mind off what is ultimately troubling you. With the mental anguish there then comes a physical feeling of sickness. I think this is where you know your return will be difficult and the result of a force of will.

I need to believe that what I am going through will make me stronger or there is a lesson to be learned. I must say and I imagine some of you will relate to this, ” I could easily exist in a vegetating state right now, my reality is too REAL.” I decided that what I will do is turn everything off and let my faith carry me this weekend. I will make a couple of calls to let loved ones know I am still alive and kickin(but not high), then I retreat to my “cave”. This is a period that I could use answers, what better place to start than “the information highway”, right?  Yet I truly feel like my temporary disconnect will do me much more good than hanging out in my normal places.

Therefore, I signed off and would return 48 hours later. Hoping at best I would be renewed and ready to go and the very least I would be renewed and ready to go. I tied up the loose ends, made my phone calls and turned my laptop off.

Here it is; I did not quite make the entire 48 hours and I really do have a renewed sense, though my journey to this place has been riddled with peaks and valleys. It is healthy and productive to step back and take look at things. If in the blink of an eye or a heartbeat things can change, why should it come as a surprise that a deliberate action of close examination would not do the very same.

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29 Jan 2013
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Does Our Mortality Connect Our Humanity

I was once characterized as having a “Republican” way of viewing things. When this was said of me I was neither insulted or impressed. Since, this was not my political affiliation, the undertones and implications were clear to me. I happily can say, I am still friends with the individual who made that assessment.  I can also tell you LIFE has taught me that the stances I took on numerous things are subject to review, things are not just “black and white”.

More and more of our contemporaries are moving on to the next phase of life. Some touch us more than others, but we are touched just the same. When you find yourself attending more funerals than house parties it has to affect you in some way. If you knew today was your last day on Earth what would you do? How would you treat those around you? Life as you know it would be changed forever. What would be most important and how would you want it conveyed.

I will submit to you something not as final as death, but a major life altering event, a disease discovery. I will leave it to you to determine if it is terminal or not. However, you must take the position it is serious enough that simply ignoring it or going about as though it is not happening, is NOT an option. I want you to think as I relay this writer’s vantage point.

We are dealing with an individual who could never really be touched, not physically and not mentally. Life was a series of conquests and obstacles. No one could be trusted even a close confidant or a family member. To keep that protective shell intact all had to be dealt with as strangers and kept at “arms-length”.

For years of loyalty, dedication, and love the ones who were considered close were rewarded with distance and cold interaction. Then the discovery is made. Now we are afraid; we are hurting, we are confused and we expect compassion, understanding, and love.  However, as much love and affection there is your people have been beaten down. They are numb. They care but wonder how much worse will it be, for if they had you in good condition what will happen as things go bad? A frightening thought for them, a grounding point for you.

Years ago I watched George Wallace, the former governor of Alabama in an interview proclaiming a black man was “his best friend in the world”. I remember seeing  a George Wallace standing on the steps of the University of Alabama some years earlier blocking the entrance to the admissions office. I recall hearing a speech,” Segregation today, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever…”  I watched this now feeble man robbed of the vitality of his youth; his angry hot blood was now meek lukewarm plasma, and his sharp vicious tongue now slowly being silenced by age. I asked myself, after feeling a bit of consolation in seeing him in his condition, does he remember the evil that he spewed from his person. I wondered if he was really sorry for what he had done or did he fear the after-life. I asked myself why I felt good that he was in such bad shape?

We never know when our respective numbers will come up. Questions arise in a simplified form; in order for us to relate, we must have something at stake.  For example; Tobacco Magnate-“How much money would you make off that cigarette, if your ONLY child should partake and then proceed to get TB or Cancer? I’d like to know the answer.”-William “Smokey” Robinson 

You see, we do not know how really sympathetic or humble we can be if we are never challenged or our existence put on the line. Then when we are put to the test, when we have something to loose we have to ask ourselves are we making our decisions based on doing the right thing, seeing the light- our Humanity shining through or is it simple fear of retribution from sources unknown- our Mortality being exposed.

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14 Jan 2013
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Pardon Me But That’s My Life You Are Living

I put this stuff out here but I am certain I am not the only one who goes through these changes. Here go armed with chocolate at my side I will sink into myself and reveal yet another flaw of mine. ENVY.

She is smart, pretty, and successful. She is out there every-so-often I visit her page. We are not friends though. I know of her through a friend from work. We have very similar tastes in clothes, furniture, and I will leave it there. The blank I leave is the thing we have most in common. It haunts me. I want to rise above this; tuck it neatly away in something airtight, lock it up, and throw away the key. Yet I cannot. Time passes sometimes months without a thought; but then I have to see, I have to know if anything has changed. Though I never know for certain because I stay just far enough away to observe without being seen, it seems her world is taking it’s natural course. The course of which I wish mine were. I feel terrible that I am watching my  self proclaimed competitor and she is not aware. I do not mean her any harm, I know that which she has belongs to her. Yet deep inside I feel like I could be there, where she is, in that same spot, and I want to be.

As I thought of  the lists I have compiled over the years, I realized I always gave her credit for being the one thing I thought of first, that I bothered to intentionally mention in a secondary spot, even though I didn’t really feel that way or even see it in her. In other words I would always call her pretty in spite of the fact. I felt like “who am I to judge”, because “pretty” has always escaped me.  Besides what did I know about “pretty”? I had a hold on “smart”, I just let “smart” go. I visited with “success”, but success required much work. Well I know a great deal about “pretty”, because I have several friends who actually fit that bill comfortably, even and especially through my critical eyes.”Pretty” is  wonderfully balanced features. “Pretty” is making one look twice even in a ponytail, without make-up, wearing a tee shirt and cargo shorts. My “pretty” friends would make you say “Halle(or whomever is YOUR idea of gorgeous) Who”? Ironically, I like them and I love them. I SEE there is much more to them than their pretty-pretty faces.

I have an idea for an invention, I believe I could patent. It will do for movies what I want to do with my life. I would magically be propelled into her spot, the spot that I am convinced I want to be in and she would be sent… somewhere else. She would not be sent to my place, because I am not wanting a trade. One day I know I will see this invention on television or at the local WalMart, for much cheaper than you can purchase it online or at the local specialty electronics store. What I also think/ believe/feel is while I contemplate, she would do. Then I realized she is me without the excuses and the “stupid” mistakes.

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08 Nov 2012

Funny Thing About HOPE

So I woke up feeling a little sorry for myself ready to bitch about it. Then went to my social media “wall” and saw a post about Rush Limbaugh…uuuuuhhhhhh! Foolishly, I went to the Huffington Post article, read what the creep said and scrolled down to the comments. Prepared to be annoyed I read comment after comment telling, Rush in essence, to “head in”! Then I went to a section where there were images of the President and the first lady, Joe Biden and Jill, their families on stage in Chicago election night 2012.There were 101 images and I got through about ten; when it occurred to me this is what MY country looks like, and this is what MY country said. I have hoped, imagined, and dreamed about the images I saw.  Images that represent who WE are and what WE want for our future. “WE, THE PEOPLE”, the diverse, resilient, multi-faceted PEOPLE of The United States of America. The world was watching, knowing what was at stake, AND cheering us on. It was, it is beautiful. For a few moments I forgot what I wanted to complain about and wiped tears of joy from my eyes. Maybe I am feeling optimistic and idealistic this morning (beats what I stared off with). However, this is what HOPE will do. HOPE will make you say this is possible, this can be, and if you are fortunate you get a chance to say I  am experiencing it. “America, The Beautiful”; She is a rainbow, a symbol of God’s promise.  Just a passing thought.

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06 Nov 2012
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An Election To Remember

Every year for the past 12, Lexus has held it’s “December To Remember” Event. It was/is an advertising masterpiece. The holiday style music, the beautiful snowy landscapes, images that have you smelling essence of evergreen Christmas trees and warm vanilla cookies in the kitchen and it all crescendos into the excited, teary eyes realization that someone has gotten damn near the best big ticket present imaginable, if you like that sorta thing. Lexus make me want/ imagine/ believe that one day I too could have the Lexus of my dreams waiting in my snowy driveway, perfectly shoveled clean of course. It doesn’t get any better than that and each time the commercial comes on no matter how hard I try to look away and tell myself, “Lexus is full of it”. My eyes and ears and mind wander or are drawn back to the exact place Lexus wants me to be in. If I had the money, I’d be on a Lexus lot somewhere in Georgia making this MY” December To Remember”.

Needless to say, I believe Lexus’ ad campaign has worked. However, you are probably saying this is a rather lengthy introduction to…. “what is this piece about?” It is about the 2012 Presidential Race. Today is the day when some people will be happy and others not-so-happy. It is not going to be the end of the world, but it will be a new beginning. I take a deep breath as I write this, I have been up since 6 okay 5:50 A.M. I have done everything in my power to stay away from the television and news websites. At this point in time I have been successful but it is not quite 9’o clock in the morning. I, like most of my friends and associates, have work to do. Fortunately, for my state of mind, the schedule is  rather light,  unfortunate for my state of finances though. Nonetheless, I still have time to think. I think back to  a day in November when history was made in this great country of ours. A day when people of color, black people,  sighed a sigh of relief and shed tears of disbelief because a country that had not always been kind to us, a country that had not always been fair to us had a meeting of minds and hearts. A day when a collective cross-sectioned group said, I want this guy to run our nation and I don’t care what he looks like.

I am not a political analyst, I am probably not the most informed individual you will meet. I am passionate though, therefore when I read something or see something on the airways that upsets me, I am more prone to turn it off, close the book on, or move along, than to continue with the prospect I may become incensed. This has not been a clean campaign but I do not think it was the dirtiest either; partially because the President’s opponent could NOT drudge up a significant amount of dirt, but mostly because there isn’t any of significance. No one can question Barack Obama’s character, so they question his birth right. No one can question his intelligence, so they question his decision making. No one can question his ability to lead in dire situations, so they try to take credit away from him and give it to someone/anyone but him. President Obama called for change last time, well his opponents are using that battle cry against him now.

It is perplexing and I am perplexed. I guess it can be summed up    as , “you believe what you want to believe”. I have blamed and/or credited this campaign with everything from my departure from a church I thought I loved to loosing clients. I have argued, debated and pleaded with my husband and sons about the rolls of this election, voting in general, and what it all means. In my small family I have a cynic, a bleeding heart, and a radical. My role is to referee these people, while sifting through MY feelings .

This has been a battle, an emotional roller-coaster for many, myself included. Yet in a few hours it will HOPEFULLY be over. I hope and I pray that it goes the way I want it to go. I have to be honest. I want this to end with me felling like I do when I finish watch one of those Lexus commercials. The music faintly playing from another room and you still can recognize this is in fact one of those commercials, but you are still drawn in. I want to feel like,”WOW.. one day, soon, maybe even tomorrow, AT LAST”, this is possible again.

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21 Oct 2012

When It Just Stopped Being Fun

I cannot remember the moment, but one day I recall there was no more joy attached to it. Then there was a sense of emptiness. I didn’t know why. When I finally put my finger on it, there was the feeling of loss. How does one recover from such a thing?

I am going to start with a positive and use it as a mechanism to get us thinking. Cooking… now our generation grew up with some fabulous cooks. We will say mother, grandmother, aunts,  sisters,  for starters(because I realize there are some fathers in this list as well). It was important for us to be able to cook and these ladies saw to it that we did. My family had some great cooks. We had Sunday dinners that were reminiscent of the ones depicted in the movie “Soul Food”. Two of my childhood friends fathers were great cooks in  their own rights.  To say that cooking and food surrounded my life would be an understatement. I  have cooked and baked since I was about 10 years old.

A natural deduction would be I must be a pretty good cook as well, that would be correct. Another one would be I must enjoy cooking, that would be incorrect. You see I was an overweight child; but that didn’t turn me against cooking, if anything it motivated me to do it more and more often. Later I married a man who did not object to cooking, and often took it upon himself to cook because of our working hours. I will give this point as contributory. However, my not enjoying cooking stemmed from what stated this entire dialog.. It just stopped being FUN. Cooking is an art, a talent. It is for sustenance and pleasure. A way of sharing feelings, if you will. It can be sensual, down right joyful, and let’s not forget the all important it just plain tastes good.

What began to happen was I attached a negative to a positive. The food tasted good but it was work,the food tasted good but it put on weight, the food tasted good but there was an easier way to feed the family. The negative took over and won. Instead of finding reasons to cook, I gravitated to the reasons not to. Without warning it happened and it stopped being what it used to be pleasurable, joyous, fun. The purpose still existed, but it was all too serious now.

Acknowledging all the things we experience in our lives are NOT going to bring a smile to our face or a sense of joy in our heart, but some of those the things that can should. Otherwise, they just become yet another task.

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01 Jul 2012
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Up Popped “Happy”

It is true about the state of being happy. Smile and the world smiles with you… Laughter is contagious

As silly as it may sound and seem, I wanted to be angry. I had been damaged and no one could truly appreciate what I was going through. This was a bad day and there seemed to be no end in sight. Each demonstration of concern only made me sink deeper and deeper into my personal “hell”. I felt dark and my writing was dark as well. I thought “No one will want to read this s%$@!” I completely understood why so I refrained from writing.

On my way to do yet another daunting task, another nail in the coffin, one more testimony to my hard-knock-life I came upon my neighbor as he was walking his wonderful little West Highland Terrier(my all time favorite dog).  I was going to wave and keep on driving, but some strange force made me roll my window down in order for me to actually speak. After the ritual “hellos” he asked about my spouse and as the adage goes, “It not what you say, but the way you say it…” well that says it all.

As I talked briefly with this concerned neighbor, I laughed to myself as I recalled how terribly upset these two men were with each other behind a difference in political views not so very long ago. Yet, there was a display of genuine concern and it was consistently ongoing. Each time he saw me and we talked, the concern was there. It just took a different form this evening, this evening there was something in his voice and mannerism that was a tap on the shoulder for me. They obviously had found some happy medium amongst themselves and now when one of  them was down the other felt a sense of loss. The human spirit is amazing. All I had been thinking/ could think of was how terrible things were for me, but in an instant light shone forth, I found a little happy.  The smile stayed with me as I drove out of our sub-division. I noticed what a clear beautiful summer evening we were having. Conscious overtook me and tried to shake me with,” Hey don’t you see what is happening here, you’re forgetting all about your worries”.

However,  this was so good to me I fought off the reality check and wallowed in the happy feeling just a bit longer. I had what I was searching for; a place to rest those rambling, hostile thoughts which ran interference for sadness and a feeling of hopelessness. Now the problems did not disappear, they did not even get smaller what happened in those few moments was there was realization that I will get through this.

What about it folks, did you get what happened here? The Lord never promised us life would be easy, but He said He would never leave us alone. I could have never imagined, would have never thought that my renewed strength would come in the form of a simply neighborly conversation, that I was almost successful in avoiding. I had no idea how,when, or even if things would get better for me in even the slightest way.  But God did.

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08 Jun 2012
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Ooooooh Weeeee Moments

Angrily, I left the grocery store. I am at wits end. There is so much built-up inside of me I could burst. I am feeling a little sorry for myself, the self-proclaimed martyr, when I look up and see one of the grocery checkers riding one of the shopping carts to the resting spot, so he could collect them and return them to the inside of the store. I could not take my eyes off of him, and I smiled. The only thing missing from this scene was the sound that was undoubtedly being silenced with extraordinary control. OOOOH WEEEEE! The night was a bit cool, way unusual for June in Georgia. The lights of the parking lot gave off a fluorescent blue hue to all of the cars and it was quiet, not silent for there were sounds of the road above the lot and faint voices. I took a deep breath and still smiling I went to my car.

Every-so-often we all need a shopping cart ride or to spin around in a circle, to remind us that one of the wonders of life is that it doesn’t always take something monumental to make us feel good, but feeling good is monumental.

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08 Jun 2012

Can We Connect

40 years flew passed me today. I found a couple of friends from my childhood. Wonderful Social Media. Much like you cannot go home, revisiting people who were in your life can be a difficult road to travel.

I was so excited to find them, but it seemed my enthusiasm was not shared. The connection was accepted but beyond that…. well it remained to be seen.

I have an idea of what should happen when we connect with folks, or how about this, what I/we think should happen. Suddenly, I realized that what this was really about. ME. Yes, once again I had taken a situation and turned it into a personal opportunity to illuminate myself. As noted, the statement was “once again”. This is obviously a reoccurring issue with me and it got me thinking.

I thought about the way people in the “limelight” sometimes have a problem with returning to a normal life. A life where no one recognizes them, a life where thousands of fans aren’t screaming for them. Is it possible that we as everyday people long for the “limelight” of our worlds as well?

My mother told me over the years how my favorite aunt (who was actually her aunt) said when I was a small child(less than 4) that I was going to be an entertainer, because I loved to talk. What did Aunt Sis see? What  gave her insight to a  person that I often deny, that many would question the very existence of? Yet, she is there and the more I ignore her, the more she does things whether they are good or bad to bring the “limelight” to her. She does not give up or give in. She has put me in some bad positions over the years, because I have not paid attention to her. You might ask how could you live with someone for so long and not acknowledge or even recognize  them. I don’t have a logical answer, but I do know it is the case with me.

Now that I have seen and realize the “scene stealer” is in me; I can return to a couple of places I recently visited and possibly avoid my seemingly favorite spot, “foot-in-mouth” haven. My connecting with the old friends now comes with the realization these friends, were in fact closer to my sibling so many years ago. Ah yes “I” was not the focal point. Therefore, just because I found them is secondary to “their ” reconnection with their true friend. I needed to be able to see this as not being an oversight or being slighted, but this “I” was an addition. Life is funny, the simplest concepts sometimes still manage to escape us.

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