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Motivated by a lack of material.

Archive for the tag “motivations”

01 Jul 2012
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Up Popped “Happy”

It is true about the state of being happy. Smile and the world smiles with you… Laughter is contagious

As silly as it may sound and seem, I wanted to be angry. I had been damaged and no one could truly appreciate what I was going through. This was a bad day and there seemed to be no end in sight. Each demonstration of concern only made me sink deeper and deeper into my personal “hell”. I felt dark and my writing was dark as well. I thought “No one will want to read this s%$@!” I completely understood why so I refrained from writing.

On my way to do yet another daunting task, another nail in the coffin, one more testimony to my hard-knock-life I came upon my neighbor as he was walking his wonderful little West Highland Terrier(my all time favorite dog).  I was going to wave and keep on driving, but some strange force made me roll my window down in order for me to actually speak. After the ritual “hellos” he asked about my spouse and as the adage goes, “It not what you say, but the way you say it…” well that says it all.

As I talked briefly with this concerned neighbor, I laughed to myself as I recalled how terribly upset these two men were with each other behind a difference in political views not so very long ago. Yet, there was a display of genuine concern and it was consistently ongoing. Each time he saw me and we talked, the concern was there. It just took a different form this evening, this evening there was something in his voice and mannerism that was a tap on the shoulder for me. They obviously had found some happy medium amongst themselves and now when one of  them was down the other felt a sense of loss. The human spirit is amazing. All I had been thinking/ could think of was how terrible things were for me, but in an instant light shone forth, I found a little happy.  The smile stayed with me as I drove out of our sub-division. I noticed what a clear beautiful summer evening we were having. Conscious overtook me and tried to shake me with,” Hey don’t you see what is happening here, you’re forgetting all about your worries”.

However,  this was so good to me I fought off the reality check and wallowed in the happy feeling just a bit longer. I had what I was searching for; a place to rest those rambling, hostile thoughts which ran interference for sadness and a feeling of hopelessness. Now the problems did not disappear, they did not even get smaller what happened in those few moments was there was realization that I will get through this.

What about it folks, did you get what happened here? The Lord never promised us life would be easy, but He said He would never leave us alone. I could have never imagined, would have never thought that my renewed strength would come in the form of a simply neighborly conversation, that I was almost successful in avoiding. I had no idea how,when, or even if things would get better for me in even the slightest way.  But God did.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , , ,
08 Jun 2012
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Ooooooh Weeeee Moments

Angrily, I left the grocery store. I am at wits end. There is so much built-up inside of me I could burst. I am feeling a little sorry for myself, the self-proclaimed martyr, when I look up and see one of the grocery checkers riding one of the shopping carts to the resting spot, so he could collect them and return them to the inside of the store. I could not take my eyes off of him, and I smiled. The only thing missing from this scene was the sound that was undoubtedly being silenced with extraordinary control. OOOOH WEEEEE! The night was a bit cool, way unusual for June in Georgia. The lights of the parking lot gave off a fluorescent blue hue to all of the cars and it was quiet, not silent for there were sounds of the road above the lot and faint voices. I took a deep breath and still smiling I went to my car.

Every-so-often we all need a shopping cart ride or to spin around in a circle, to remind us that one of the wonders of life is that it doesn’t always take something monumental to make us feel good, but feeling good is monumental.

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08 Jun 2012

Can We Connect

40 years flew passed me today. I found a couple of friends from my childhood. Wonderful Social Media. Much like you cannot go home, revisiting people who were in your life can be a difficult road to travel.

I was so excited to find them, but it seemed my enthusiasm was not shared. The connection was accepted but beyond that…. well it remained to be seen.

I have an idea of what should happen when we connect with folks, or how about this, what I/we think should happen. Suddenly, I realized that what this was really about. ME. Yes, once again I had taken a situation and turned it into a personal opportunity to illuminate myself. As noted, the statement was “once again”. This is obviously a reoccurring issue with me and it got me thinking.

I thought about the way people in the “limelight” sometimes have a problem with returning to a normal life. A life where no one recognizes them, a life where thousands of fans aren’t screaming for them. Is it possible that we as everyday people long for the “limelight” of our worlds as well?

My mother told me over the years how my favorite aunt (who was actually her aunt) said when I was a small child(less than 4) that I was going to be an entertainer, because I loved to talk. What did Aunt Sis see? What  gave her insight to a  person that I often deny, that many would question the very existence of? Yet, she is there and the more I ignore her, the more she does things whether they are good or bad to bring the “limelight” to her. She does not give up or give in. She has put me in some bad positions over the years, because I have not paid attention to her. You might ask how could you live with someone for so long and not acknowledge or even recognize  them. I don’t have a logical answer, but I do know it is the case with me.

Now that I have seen and realize the “scene stealer” is in me; I can return to a couple of places I recently visited and possibly avoid my seemingly favorite spot, “foot-in-mouth” haven. My connecting with the old friends now comes with the realization these friends, were in fact closer to my sibling so many years ago. Ah yes “I” was not the focal point. Therefore, just because I found them is secondary to “their ” reconnection with their true friend. I needed to be able to see this as not being an oversight or being slighted, but this “I” was an addition. Life is funny, the simplest concepts sometimes still manage to escape us.

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09 May 2012
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How Long Can You Live With It?

Well I must say we are all far beyond the point of NOT understanding the adage, “You made your bed now lay in it”. Today I had a “huuum moment”.

There have been numerous decisions over the years that I would tactfully avoid saying were not well thought through. More than a decade after one of these I find myself periodically questioning whether it was not only well thought through, but perhaps it was wrong. OUCH that one hurt! For as much as I see and recognize the inability of others to admit they are wrong, I have the same condition and it is terminal.

I will not bore you with the details for this would make me have to stop and truly examine this thing again and I really do not want to. I will tell you this, recognition also makes you go back and look at your r’epertoire, because unfortunately there generally isn’t a lone incidence.

The steps are simple. First you have the Accusation; this step will lead you to the spot where you KNOW something more must be done. You may or may not mull it over for a bit, but the next step is rapid and hard hitting. This is the Action; not a lot to say for the fact that you are here means you have made up your mind, right or wrong. Acceptance;  here you say you have done all that is humanly possible and you have no other choice.  Consideration; the back and forth happen here. Arguably this should take place before acceptance, but then we may not be having this discussion at all if it did.  Remorse; this is more of a admission, an admission of mostly YOU are not really happy with the outcome, not necessarily with the incidents that lead up to this outcome.

I leave you with “what if I was wrong” to ponder. The next step is even more difficult to face,” what do I do now“.  Along with the topic here, I would say there is a bit of soul searching you have to do. You can work on this now or you can do what I have done more than one time, put it on the “back-burner”. However, I must caution you “it” will come back again until you truly have resolve.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , , , , , ,
20 Apr 2012

By The Standards Of Others

Someone else’s wants, needs, and desires. Their schedule, their clock. Where do you fit in, well it is simple you are for their benefit, placed in a spot most appealing and useful to them. Not since my children were infants have I been willing to accept such a position. That does not mean I have not found or put  myself in that very position, though.

Jobs and society place these requirements upon us all the time. However, there are other areas that make an attempt to do this as well and often time it is not well received. Personal relationships are a challenging area, because these are self-inflicted choices.

Let me start with I hate the feeling of being controlled by tyranny, be it animal, vegetable, mineral, individually or collectively. In my most eloquent way of expressing myself, “It Sucks!” Bound by what YOU think I should do. Where does it end? Time space, or place is not immune either. However, we must all submit to this  standard on one level or another. Generally it is not constant and there is some underlying benefit to one submitting to such.

As we keep our vantage point on our “mid century being”, this experience will take us back, way back to childhood. While many of us cherish and reminisce our youth, this aspect of this type of control is rarely endearing. I’ll take a does of energy and fun, over disciplined control every time. Yet what guides, drives, and keeps us in places where we expose ourselves to this phenomenon.  It is simple; needs, wants, and desires. Satisfaction of these are  necessary and reasonable. The problem come into play when there is not a fair equitable exchange, or when you can no longer see it as being such.

I will not give you case studies or examples here. Realistically, we all have to submit in some area(s). We all choose to submit or not in others.  What we have to do is know OUR cut off point, and be able to do just that, in each of those instances.

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11 Mar 2012
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The Disappointed Idealist

 “Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist”

– George Carlin

Maybe you know one. Maybe you are one. Has life thrown you a blow or two that has made it hard for you to get up? Has your mind finished the delivery of that blow with a dose of feeling inadequate? Now you have an excuse to be sarcastic and negative. Repeat the process a couple of times and the cynic is born.  Now I have to hit you one more time,” this doesn’t make you special or unusual”. We all know it is much simpler to take the easy way out. In this case, it is negative and effortless. Who could blame you, for after all this was a … then you must stop yourself. Stop before you go spiraling in to  the pity party

How did we get here though? Who did this to you? Let’s begin. Your education crescendoed with your post graduate degree, you married your high school sweetheart, the promotion is yours. What you did not realize is these events are not truly final acts as they imply. For though you have reached a goal, the hard work now begins. Of course you know this, but are you reacting like you know it?

Remember, you were going to change the world. That is until you ran into that road block. I submit that the idealist  falls short when they allow themselves to be short sighted. “OOH I didn’t plan on running into so much difficulty in doing this.” Why? If you thought it would be easy, don’t you think it would have been done already.

While it is relatively simple to join the ranks of a cynic, it is not a desirable state. Oftentimes,  it is not as easy to get away from that ” cynical sleeping giant” you awake.  Listen we all get a little down but you have to remember life is cyclic, ever changing and each morning brings a new opportunity for you to close the door on the cynic in you.

Let me go through life looking through “rose colored glasses”. The disappointments should serve as reminders that we have untapped resources that now need to be utilized. Finally, if the desired results are not achieved feel accomplished in the fact that things are not quite the same as they were before you began your endeavor. A true idealist would not give up or surrender to the challenges that would eventually bring their dreams and goals into fruition. While disappointments are the reality for some, know this is not the case or even a possibility for the idealist.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , , , ,
09 Mar 2012
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Breaking Bread

Eating is a very important process in our lives. We need it in order to sustain ourselves, first and foremost. However, there is something more. As we tie certain songs to events in our lives, there is a connection that exists with us and our meals.

Think of the imagery of the 1950’s a family sitting down to dinner, sharing the events of their day.  How about the “romantic comedy” you just watched a couple of nights ago where the couple shared a romantic dinner, or the mother’s day surprise of breakfast in bed. Food and who we eat it with is a very personal passionate thing. You just don’t sit down and eat with anyone, at least you don’t plan to.

We went to an interesting eatery when we first moved to Georgia almost 20 years ago at the urging of our new neighbors (Georgia natives). This place served typical southern cuisine, the thing that was most exciting to them was the sitting down to enjoy your meal in the company of complete strangers. I thought it was a novel little idea, but wasn’t quite as excited. We were new and felt like we should get familiar with the regions traditions and customs. Well it was very uneventful, and not even in the slightest manner interesting.

I was taken back to another piece I wrote called, “All We Do Is Eat” and I realized how very personal this act of eating is. We do it so often and so mechanically that we really do not  think of the intimacy involved.

When I worked in “Corporate America” in an effort to demonstrate “they” cared; there were often luncheons, celebrations, etc. where we, the employees would get together with the bosses and “break bread”. I was always the outspoken and standoffish one. I thoroughly enjoyed declining or not showing up to these functions, knowing questions would be asked, and I would have the opportunity to tell “them” exactly why I had chosen not to be a part of the function. In a way I was being completely honest, in  another I was being completely mean, but at the time I did not realize how completely valid my reaction/response was to being invited to come and “make nice” with an individual in a forum that is normally reserved for people you really and truly want to be around. Later when the title change happened and I became “them” the the challenge was once again presented, for I now not only had to participate in these function I oftentimes had to plan them. Oh the hypocrisy of it all….

Today as I attempt to be a better person, I am a volunteer that works with a team that serves my community. It is a good place and a good thing we do, yet I would not be honest if I said that I feel close to any of the other members. I attributed this to my being the newer member, but as time has gone by I think there may be another reason. I do not believe that my personal feelings are important,  for what we do is what is most important. The problem is now we are having a meeting in which food will be served. This will be the third meeting of this type I have been invited to. The first I did not go to at all, the second I did not eat. I have and feel the obligation to be there for this meeting, but I cannot overlook my feelings toward these people I am teamed with. Perhaps a more relevant question would be, “do I need to continue to be with a group I do not want to or feel comfortable being around”? Do I have the right to interrupt/disturb this part of a program we are all a part of because of MY personal feelings? I think maybe if I allow myself to get into this intimate setting with them maybe I will connect, but the questions remains, what if I am right, what if this vibe I feel is the vibe the are sending out. I would rather walk away than to have them send me away, but that is all about ego isn’t it.

Therefore, I will go and I will be on time, but I will not eat once again. I guess the test will be how many meetings will I go to before I feel comfortable enough to get intimate with my team members, or how long will I stubbornly work with people I may not like and who may not like me for the sake of doing something good.

Then in the midst of revisions and additions I came face to face with it; maybe I am sending a signal to my team members as well. While I am sitting here feeling ostracized, maybe I have ostracized as well. Wow, maybe I  should eat.

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05 Mar 2012
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Done-But Not Ready

A cautious glimpse at the possibilities. Was Cinderella held prisoner in the home of her evil step-mother? Was Sleeping Beauty held in a deep sleep by a spell? Does circumstance help our minds to help us escape unhappiness?

Years in a situation that one sees no end to can breed contempt as well as creativity. Something woke me up this particular morning. It was a troubled mind. I had a plan, but things surrounding me kept interfering. Yet the unsettled feeling would not leave me.

Our princesses seem to be trapped by the forces of something outside of self, but what if their escape was the very prison they existed in? As terrible as one may feel their existence is, does it overshadow the fear of the unknown? There is a real fear of falling. The inner “daredevil” has long retreated into the  poolside lounging chair. Yet, what can be worse than falling? Is it the devastation of defeat, what about the embarrassment of failure.

Growing older there is a stronger need for the certainties of life. We need stable, predictable outcomes now more than ever. The trouble is now we must look to ourselves to provide those confident stable situations.

The other reactions are difficult but for me the stagnant, atrophying, paralysis which occurs when you fear movement is the worst. You are a prisoner, one of your own creation in part. Not a very creative one either. Choosing to stay and be miserable simply because it is familiar is NOT a good choice.

Begin at the beginning, work on YOU. If it is a workplace problem, what measures or steps are realistic for YOU to take? If it is a personal relationship, where you can see the other person’s faults and contributions to the bad situation, maybe examine what YOU are doing. If it is  a spiritual  issue and you feel conflicted, perhaps begin with YOU being committed. As an individual YOU is the only factor one has complete accountability for and control over.

Therefore, we are very much like the pastry fresh out of the oven; one stage is complete, but more has to happen before it is ready to be served.

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05 Feb 2012
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You Already Know The Answer

I have been so fortunate to be put in contact with and befriended by some pretty fabulous, bright, smart, insightful, intelligent people. However, I have also be plagued with the misfortune of encountering their polar opposites. When I am in contact with the ones I find less desirable, it is very difficult to call upon my resources and remember they are only one aspect of my people dealings.

Living in the south only a “transplant” understands my plight. Though it was a path I chose willingly, it  periodically challenges my entire being. My “Yankee” friends probably are imagining all sorts of menacing horrors, but I can and do assure them it really isn’t more than a minor annoyance. Yet it is /they are annoyances just the same.

The election years are always thought provoking and amazing. A few days ago a couple of neighbors that I would consider civil were reduced to the mindless drone classification. Now that is okay, because they were never very far from that position in the first place.  Yet it is disheartening just the same. I ask how can adults behave in such a childish way?

History if for nothing else will have to record like it or not that Barack Obama was the first president of these United States Of America of obvious African American decent. President Obama is a black man, for the people who have “challenges” and “issues”. He has provided certified documentation of his birth, he has stated he is a christian, and in spite of the frivolous accusations and distractions he has done/is doing his job. I ask how can people be so uninformed?

On the eve of my Sabbath; a day that I proudly proclaim, my church would make Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  smile for it is NOT  a party to “Segregated Sunday”, I am writing about an overall feeling of unrest.  Plagued by the question who will I be sitting next to in church?

I am comforted with a video slideshow, that was sent to me a couple days ago by a high school classmate, of President Obama on  election night 2008. Images as diverse as the world we live in; faces with smiles, faces with tears, faces with hope. I remind myself where I was, how I felt. Irony interrupts my thoughts with the images of another time and place and the words of, not a poet laureate , nor a head of state come to mind. “Can’t we all just get along?” Tonight my answer saddens me.

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21 Oct 2011

If You’re Going Stare, Wave.

Didn’t your parents tell you it was impolite to stare? When my contemporaries and I were small children, not listening to or disobeying what Mom and Dad said to do met with serious consequences. We learned at an early age that looking at someone for an extended period of time generally was not complementary, with that being said one puts oneself in a very precarious position and no small child should have such an option.

On that note I am going to make sure it is understood that staring is something that I RARELY do. While my preference would be to say never, I refrain from using such an adverb. Human Beings do not exist in a state of absoluteness when we talk about emotions, personality traits, and such. Therefore, I am sticking with “rarely”. It is just plain rude.

Now I am sure we all can reference doing this very same thing and it was far from insulting. There are some very beautiful beings and they are very worthy of taking notice of. One can be easily caught off guard and in those cases excused for the act.

Upon our move south some 18 years ago we met a very  southern woman and her equally southern husband. We will call her CeeCee and her husband Carl.  To characterize CeeCee, she was a curly-red haired imp. I imagine there was a bit of Scots-Irish in her. She and I hung out together for a bit.  Our families even traveled to the North Georgia mountains, that was a trip and a half. We were introduced to, in my opinion, horrible boiled peanuts and dining with strangers. CeeCee and Carl loved these traditions. My spouse, forever the “yankee/militant former black panther” type, was not so enthused. He had noted on numerous occasions since our arrival of the locals extended gawks. CeeCee said,” We do stare a lot in the south”. Let me get back to what this was really about though. Staring was just a jumping off point for me. Is there ever really an excuse for being rude?

You see given enough time one can find an explanation for virtually anything; but just because you can explain it, doesn’t excuse it. You may say, “I didn’t mean anything by it or I always do that”. You must understand that perceptions play a key role in how particular acts are dealt with, so you don’t get to tell someone else how they should feel about a given situation.

Culture, age, region, and religious influences will affect the way we respond to one another. If only “When in Rome do as the Romans do” were a practicable rule of thumb; unexpected release of gas,  loud outburst of laughter, and yes  lengthy uninterrupted looks would be accepted and disregarded. Since that is NOT the case the next time you find yourself involved in such a situation, if you are the one  staring do a save and throw up a greeting with a wave. If you don’t there is a possibility the one who is being stared at may in a not-so-subtle way throw up a greeting to you, but keep a few of their fingers in the down position.

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