hafacenturyncounting

Motivated by a lack of material.

Archive for the tag “communication”

22 Mar 2012
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One Love

In light of very recent events,THE TRAYVON MARTIN CASE, I have quite consciously had to step back and look at my people.

Where do I begin? I think I should start with how much I love “US”! I get angry at times. Sometimes I feel like being disassociated and disconnected.  However, more than anything else I am proud of “US”. We on a daily bases take lemons and make lemonade, but guess what? We are often tasked with” making lemonade without the lemons PERIOD”. We continue on and we keep believing things will get better. Sometimes we do demonstrate the competitiveness of the “crabs in a barrel”. However,  don’t cross us or you will see that we are family. The biggest family of determined, relentless, spirited individuals you ever want to meet. I want to say if there was a doubt in anyone’s mind; the vast majority of us would NOT trade who we are for the prospect of money or an easier life, if we had to denounce who we are or change our hue (Clarence Thomas and Larry Elder excluded) . All we want is our equal share, a fair shake. Something OUR wonderful America has had a difficult time in allowing us to have, let alone delivering to us. The very rights whites demand and take for granted, we have to lose our lives to TRY to obtain. It gets old, it gets tiresome, but one day America is going to get it right.

Therefore, hang on my beautiful, powerful, crazy, talented, smart, sweet, dynamic brothers and sisters. In the shadows of tragedy we will rise to the top, AGAIN.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , , ,
14 Mar 2012
1 Comment

X-Hafa…What-Now

How about that for a question. For Post 100, I figured it should be something special.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. Something that would connect the blog to the writing. Not so suddenly, I ran out of ideas for this. Then it came to me, I would follow in the footsteps of one of my favorite groups “Chicago” no frills titles for their albums, they let the songs and music speak to you. Beyond the greatest hits, all you have to do is to be able to count. Thus after this post under this tag, all I will do is use Roman numerals to identify these pieces.

Post 100 or X has to live up to a lot, at least it does for me. I do not want it to merely be full of fluff to get me to that number. It has to have character and it has to have content. So what about these half way points. These, from this point forward, pieces that originally were to earmark things that my mid-life experience experienced.  One thing is there never seems to be a lack of material only a lack of time and concentration.

I began thinking of stalemates and being stagnant. Now I am a talker, I have been dubbed this long before I could write. Therefore, I believe I will always have something to say. Whether it is worthy of reading or writing is discretionary. I felt pretty convinced that words would never escape me, but in Post 100 I must come to terms with  my stalemate, my book.

While filled with great ideas and an outline as to where I want to go…. My outline is the longest contribution to this upcoming book of mine. I think about life; I compare it to travel and the point of no return. I do not concentrate on that much when I travel, but then it seems overall we do not think about that point much in life either. I believe we should. I think we should consciously visit that point in our everyday decisions. I am not suggesting we sit down and ponder all aspects of our life with this formula, merely to take it into account more often then when we are in an airplane.

So what now? I have to regroup. I have no predictions, only hopes. At this juncture it is good that I still have that available, and then there is the anticipation of XI. Stay Tuned… was all I could come up with. A boat load of parables filled my head, but nothing seemed right. Sometimes you can search too long and too hard for that which is right there in front of you. The truth is everything you do though it is impactful on some level, it may not live up to what your idea of impactful is. The tiny little impressions add up; then one day you can finally see what took some time to achieve, and you may find that what you intended is nothing like the result.

Posted in Hafwaythroughpoints and tagged , , ,
09 Mar 2012
2 Comments

Smart, In Degrees

For as long as I can remember, there has been a part of me that felt like I had above average intelligence. After moving to sunny Southern California I came face to face with the fact I was not pretty, therefore my being smart was something I held onto for dear life.

It gave me credibility, it gave me a reason to be proud. After all looks could fade but no one could take what you had inside your head away from you. I  had a whirlwind affair with school. Subject came easy to me and I would do well with little or no effort. As time went on I became increasingly lazy, but I still got good grades. Junior High(middle school) brought about a series of changes and awakenings. Enter puberty, what a let down school was. Other girls now  were interested in boys and vice versa, while I may have been interested in boys they were not interested in me. Well at least I was still smart.

I tested well and had above average classes, but then I discovered there was something beyond having above average classes.. there was the “gifted program”.

The “gifted program” probably meant nothing to other students who were not in it because they had other things on their minds. The students that belonged in it were recognized and put into the program. Yet, I belonged to a very small quiet group; someone who wanted to be in the program, and someone who was certain they should be in the program. Remember, my “sets-me-apart” reasoning was at stake here. I had “friends” who were in these special classes and “I” felt like they were no smarter than me. I made the inquiries and managed to get information necessary in order for me to be tested for the program. Turns out I was NOT gifted, I was above average which allowed me to take certain classes but to be a part of this program that I thought was so elite… I did not make the cut. I was quietly devastated. For a couple of years I tried to stand apart and be noticed, then I came to terms with.. above average with the AVERAGE glaring at me.

Fast forward, I received my acceptance letter from U.C. Irvine and after the excitement came the fear. How would I fare in a foreign environment. Was I ready for this culture shock?  Could I handle it because after all I was, just above average. I took the “chicken” way out and enrolled in community college because I thought it would be easier for me to do well and after a year or so I could transfer. That did not happen. I went back a couple of times, but something was missing.

I realized that the only thing average about me was that I did not put any extra effort into achieving what I said I wanted to achieve, and I truly had made myself the very thing I did not want to be AVERAGE-the norm. I abandoned the very vehicle that could have catapulted me to where I felt I wanted to be, my drive. I did not need a piece of paper to tell me that either. I said I wanted this validation, but when it came right down to it perhaps I did not want it enough or even as much as I thought I did.

I am surrounded by people who collectively possess an array of certificates, degrees, and doctorates. They are my family, they are my friends, and no simple formula can explain me. My predecessors, contemporaries and heirs have somehow done what has eluded me. Perhaps one would be surprised to hear, I still believe I am smart. I now know I am not dedicated. I now know that paperwork does not positively elevate you to a place deserving of admiration and awe. I now know my motivation was what was lacking and no on had more control over that than me.

Therefore, take heed in what I finally learned. Realize my friends you have a choice and do not allow yourself to be the victim or recipient of self inflicted failure.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , ,
09 Mar 2012
2 Comments

Breaking Bread

Eating is a very important process in our lives. We need it in order to sustain ourselves, first and foremost. However, there is something more. As we tie certain songs to events in our lives, there is a connection that exists with us and our meals.

Think of the imagery of the 1950’s a family sitting down to dinner, sharing the events of their day.  How about the “romantic comedy” you just watched a couple of nights ago where the couple shared a romantic dinner, or the mother’s day surprise of breakfast in bed. Food and who we eat it with is a very personal passionate thing. You just don’t sit down and eat with anyone, at least you don’t plan to.

We went to an interesting eatery when we first moved to Georgia almost 20 years ago at the urging of our new neighbors (Georgia natives). This place served typical southern cuisine, the thing that was most exciting to them was the sitting down to enjoy your meal in the company of complete strangers. I thought it was a novel little idea, but wasn’t quite as excited. We were new and felt like we should get familiar with the regions traditions and customs. Well it was very uneventful, and not even in the slightest manner interesting.

I was taken back to another piece I wrote called, “All We Do Is Eat” and I realized how very personal this act of eating is. We do it so often and so mechanically that we really do not  think of the intimacy involved.

When I worked in “Corporate America” in an effort to demonstrate “they” cared; there were often luncheons, celebrations, etc. where we, the employees would get together with the bosses and “break bread”. I was always the outspoken and standoffish one. I thoroughly enjoyed declining or not showing up to these functions, knowing questions would be asked, and I would have the opportunity to tell “them” exactly why I had chosen not to be a part of the function. In a way I was being completely honest, in  another I was being completely mean, but at the time I did not realize how completely valid my reaction/response was to being invited to come and “make nice” with an individual in a forum that is normally reserved for people you really and truly want to be around. Later when the title change happened and I became “them” the the challenge was once again presented, for I now not only had to participate in these function I oftentimes had to plan them. Oh the hypocrisy of it all….

Today as I attempt to be a better person, I am a volunteer that works with a team that serves my community. It is a good place and a good thing we do, yet I would not be honest if I said that I feel close to any of the other members. I attributed this to my being the newer member, but as time has gone by I think there may be another reason. I do not believe that my personal feelings are important,  for what we do is what is most important. The problem is now we are having a meeting in which food will be served. This will be the third meeting of this type I have been invited to. The first I did not go to at all, the second I did not eat. I have and feel the obligation to be there for this meeting, but I cannot overlook my feelings toward these people I am teamed with. Perhaps a more relevant question would be, “do I need to continue to be with a group I do not want to or feel comfortable being around”? Do I have the right to interrupt/disturb this part of a program we are all a part of because of MY personal feelings? I think maybe if I allow myself to get into this intimate setting with them maybe I will connect, but the questions remains, what if I am right, what if this vibe I feel is the vibe the are sending out. I would rather walk away than to have them send me away, but that is all about ego isn’t it.

Therefore, I will go and I will be on time, but I will not eat once again. I guess the test will be how many meetings will I go to before I feel comfortable enough to get intimate with my team members, or how long will I stubbornly work with people I may not like and who may not like me for the sake of doing something good.

Then in the midst of revisions and additions I came face to face with it; maybe I am sending a signal to my team members as well. While I am sitting here feeling ostracized, maybe I have ostracized as well. Wow, maybe I  should eat.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , , , ,
05 Feb 2012
1 Comment

You Already Know The Answer

I have been so fortunate to be put in contact with and befriended by some pretty fabulous, bright, smart, insightful, intelligent people. However, I have also be plagued with the misfortune of encountering their polar opposites. When I am in contact with the ones I find less desirable, it is very difficult to call upon my resources and remember they are only one aspect of my people dealings.

Living in the south only a “transplant” understands my plight. Though it was a path I chose willingly, it  periodically challenges my entire being. My “Yankee” friends probably are imagining all sorts of menacing horrors, but I can and do assure them it really isn’t more than a minor annoyance. Yet it is /they are annoyances just the same.

The election years are always thought provoking and amazing. A few days ago a couple of neighbors that I would consider civil were reduced to the mindless drone classification. Now that is okay, because they were never very far from that position in the first place.  Yet it is disheartening just the same. I ask how can adults behave in such a childish way?

History if for nothing else will have to record like it or not that Barack Obama was the first president of these United States Of America of obvious African American decent. President Obama is a black man, for the people who have “challenges” and “issues”. He has provided certified documentation of his birth, he has stated he is a christian, and in spite of the frivolous accusations and distractions he has done/is doing his job. I ask how can people be so uninformed?

On the eve of my Sabbath; a day that I proudly proclaim, my church would make Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  smile for it is NOT  a party to “Segregated Sunday”, I am writing about an overall feeling of unrest.  Plagued by the question who will I be sitting next to in church?

I am comforted with a video slideshow, that was sent to me a couple days ago by a high school classmate, of President Obama on  election night 2008. Images as diverse as the world we live in; faces with smiles, faces with tears, faces with hope. I remind myself where I was, how I felt. Irony interrupts my thoughts with the images of another time and place and the words of, not a poet laureate , nor a head of state come to mind. “Can’t we all just get along?” Tonight my answer saddens me.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , , , ,
05 Feb 2012
2 Comments

Give Nothing, Expect Nothing, Get Nothing

I imagine one may question this title. Let me clarify. Maybe I should have called the piece “Give Nothing, Get Nothing, Expect What?” I did not want to leave room for questions I wanted this spelled out. Therefore I approached this with the logic of my least favorite subject in school, MATH. Mathematics are very precise, absolute, cut and dry;  that is until you get into the higher levels that I do not pretend to understand. The main idea here is a simple addition problem. Most of us can work with that.

I am virtually breathless as I take this on. Most things I write have a personal experience to draw from but always a personal vantage point. The fact that I am breathless tells me I cannot take this on with out being personal. So I am letting go of my mental reigns and whatever come across… comes across.

Gladly I am in a state of bounce-back. We human beings have that uncanny ability. The tone of this piece was of an individual feeling their weaknesses and the need to  document it was overwhelming. Now it has lost some of its poison and potence. I still want to talk about it though.

Have you ever rushed something? Made dinner to fast, rushed a school project, picked up a last minute gift. These are examples of what I believe are afterthoughts. You know they need to be done but you have neglected or misjudged something. Be it time, ingredient or content  the end result will generally NOT be good. Why, because you didn’t put what was needed into it.

Next, have you ever been disappointed with something or someone. Maybe they or it did not live up to what you thought they should. You felt cheated right. However, hold on did you think about a time that maybe you did a little cheating yourself?

We do want things easy and we want things our way. No matter how old we are, there are  many of us who still need to grow up and abandon our childish ways. There is nothing wrong with having the energy of a child, or the hope and wonder of a child. These qualities keep us young and able to bounce back. Reckless abandon, uncontrolled temper, and no sense of responsibility.. well they will land us in the same place they did when we were children, IN TROUBLE.

What do these scenarios have in common with you and your relationships? Hopefully you can answer nothing, but if you can’t lets go back and evaluate this situation you find yourself in. Remember we are employing math principles here. if you are more musically inclined draw upon your memory and think of Billy Preston’s song, “Nothing From Nothing”.  Genius, right. No just common sense again. Stop with the shortcuts and put effort and pride in what you do. Show the loved ones they are loved. Staying cold will only get you a case of frost-bite around the heart, and that is fatal.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , ,
27 Jan 2012

Are You Smarter Than…

I’ll leave that for you to fill in the blank. I got my inspiration from frustration. My friends will undoubtedly  know the source, my readers can guess, but if you relate you have your very own inspiration. I hope this piece will help.

Have you ever thought, “Wow, so-in-so is an idiot!” I cannot believe ______ is in charge of this, or There is something wrong when someone who is obviously brain dead is running things”. Perhaps these mean but honest thoughts came to you in the aftermath of an encounter that revealed to you, that this same individual did not listen to you/would not listen to you. Whether or not a disaster came to pass; you were still annoyed that someone you had little or no respect for, or held in contempt had chosen NOT to listen to you.

It builds up and then after a while you explode! That’s the good news. I want to talk about the stage(s) just prior to the explosion. I want to talk about the mindset that gets you to the point of and then to the actual explosion.

The aggressive ones, the “go-getters” seemingly are in charge. Whether they are competent or not. They talk a good game and give off the impression that they know what they are doing. Generally they have done this for so long, not only can they convince others of their skill and prowess, they have convinced themselves as well.

In the realm of the work world, this is something employers are looking for; someone they can put in charge who will get the job done, so that the operation run smoothly, and there is someone else to blame if things go wrong.

Now we have a full description of what we have on our hands in dealing with these type of people, but lets examine who they are in our lives. There is no secret formula to uncover, there is really no need to name names, this is something that is just for the individual. You have to identify yours.

They frustrate us because we allow them to; they find those little buttons and they push them, and it is with full awareness that this is done. The simple obvious fix would be to say, “Do not give them the power”. However, the advantage goes to those who have the gift of time on their side and a mission in mind. We all have the ability to self-soothe, but do we always have the presence of mind and proper timing so that it will be effective? So the manipulators, manipulate and we fall prey to our own sense of being.  It is at these times we  have to question, “Who is actually smarter”.

Is there an answer? Certainly, but I don’t have it. If I did this piece would be called something else,  for the motivation would not have been there.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , ,
22 Nov 2011

It’s Worth Paying Attention To

My sons inspire me and my husband makes me aware. In adult life they are a mechanism by which I gauge “me”. It is still ironic to me that life experience will still throw you “curve balls”. Perhaps it is arrogance, but as time goes on you do have a tendency to think on a conscious level you have seen “it all”. While you may not truly believe this, it plants a seed.

With that in mind, how on Earth can anything really be a surprise? Yet discovery will generally catch us “off-guard”. Just when you think no one is watching you will find someone looking right through you, and they know all of your secrets. We are all complicated; but we are not hard to figure out, we all fit into one category or the other. It is important that you pay attention to who you are dealing with. Just because you are in the presence of someone on a regular basis, does not mean you know them.

Our cleaning business has put us in touch with such an array of people. We make every effort to do the work efficiently and with integrity. We have made quite a few friends as a result of the business. We have also lost some clients,  which motivate and have motivated me into writing several different pieces. I wish I could say I find it ironic that something negative would yield such a reaction. However, it really makes perfect sense. The losses make you examine and re-evaluate. Whereas in on-going relationships one tends to be lazy and take things for granted.

As I began taking a look at the clients we no longer have, the first thing I had to do was filter out MY FEELINGS. This is business and on the one hand you try to make your clients happy, but on the other you do have to  be cautious and mindful that you do not get too personally involved. I had/have been “blindsided” more than once. I asked myself how?

Well for starters people are all so very different, and clients are people. I begin my sales pitch with, “we want happy clients…” Really what is that? Over the years I have discovered the job I do is one that most people do not want to do, PERIOD. Never mind they are unable to do it as effectively as I do, it is something they do not want to do. It is in their minds an necessary evil; and not only do they  not want to do it they do not want to pay for it. Theirs is generally the attitude of, “I want this work done for me by you and if you insist I will pay, but I do not want to pay a lot and I get to be the determining factor in what I think is a lot.” In any environment if this were presented to you what attitude would you take? Hold onto that answer and bear in mind, I feel the exact same way.

Let’s take a look at the compensation. Pay for something you do not want to do. Well what is it worth; in the grand scheme of things you can debase it, to try to make it seem as though it is not worth very much. However the truth be known it is quite valuable, but there I go putting the truth factor into play.

Finally, there is a sense of power and superiority. “I am far to educated, important, well-bred to do this thing” is what we get to deal with now, the individual’s sense of self-worth.

This was, all in all, a trip into the land of self discovery for me. People I viewed as pretentious and self-serving, were the mirror image of me. The amount of the compensation meant I was getting closer to my destination, and that was the place where I no longer had to deal with “these people” I had assigned the label of being fake. Lastly, I really do not want to do this work either. This is an means to an end. The very first chance I am given, I will be out of the cleaning business.

Now I will sum this all up for you. No one is exactly what they say they are or try to represent themselves as. You have to look deeper; and this will require time and effort, two things you may not have the luxury of possessing. Watch people closely few of us are the masters of deception we want to believe we are, we are merely average perpetrators. Listen to what is being said; it is a difficult task to take command of the language of words. How many times have you heard someone proclaim to know ALL about something, or boast they know EVERYONE in a certain place. These are “word-traps” with faulty” trip wires”. It is almost outside the nature of human beings to be completely honest, whether it is fear of being taken advantage of, inability to tell the truth, or lack of desire.  Therefore, in your search for characters to observe and even watch out for, a good place to start would be a close examination of you. It will be a valuable journey and well worth paying attention to.

Posted in Epiphany and tagged , , | Leave a comment
27 Oct 2011
1 Comment

Private Wars In Public Places

Have you ever walked in on an argument, be it a couple or co-worker, family, friend, acquaintance, or stranger? What’s your first thought…. AWKWARD, huh …..

I am not a finger-pointer, I consider myself a being who observes and reports. I am opinionated, thus the blog clearly states what it is and I can be about. If you come in here this is what you will get; do not be surprised, do not be offended, do not be afraid to comment, and if you don’t like the way it feels/sounds/reads do not feel as though you have to come back.

Ah, the internet a tool that has made it possible for us to travel the world and never get out of our underwear or brush our teeth. Bad news for the fashion industry and the field of Dentistry. The internet has given us another way to peek into people’s personal lives and relationships too. Social networks do a variety of things; they help us date, find long lost friends, loved ones , etc. However, you have to beware.

There is a danger in living your life out on the web. It is just like opening up your mouth too soon and once it is out there well then it is too late. I have seen  sexual innuendos, personal loss, and fights. The fights are the ones I am addressing here. While with the other two it is debatable as to whether they belong in a private setting, the fight definitely should  be taken care of in a “one-on-one”. It is childish, cowardly, petty, embarrassing and it serves no purpose other than to fuel more fighting and misunderstanding. Unless the intention is to produce more ill feelings, this is NOT the way to go.

If you have personal battle handle it in a personal fashion. Be direct and upfront; conduct the discussion between the parties that it concerns, for they truly are the only ones who matter. If you put your life on the web like this for support, so others will tell you that you are right and the other person is wrong; consider this these outside people are ONLY getting your side of the story and at best most of us give a diluted version of what really happened, what is really going on, and other insignificant little things like FACTS.

Putting personal disagreements on the web turns your life into a “soap-opera”, and while the “soaps” are entertaining people soon grow tired of them and change the channel.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , ,
21 Oct 2011

If You’re Going Stare, Wave.

Didn’t your parents tell you it was impolite to stare? When my contemporaries and I were small children, not listening to or disobeying what Mom and Dad said to do met with serious consequences. We learned at an early age that looking at someone for an extended period of time generally was not complementary, with that being said one puts oneself in a very precarious position and no small child should have such an option.

On that note I am going to make sure it is understood that staring is something that I RARELY do. While my preference would be to say never, I refrain from using such an adverb. Human Beings do not exist in a state of absoluteness when we talk about emotions, personality traits, and such. Therefore, I am sticking with “rarely”. It is just plain rude.

Now I am sure we all can reference doing this very same thing and it was far from insulting. There are some very beautiful beings and they are very worthy of taking notice of. One can be easily caught off guard and in those cases excused for the act.

Upon our move south some 18 years ago we met a very  southern woman and her equally southern husband. We will call her CeeCee and her husband Carl.  To characterize CeeCee, she was a curly-red haired imp. I imagine there was a bit of Scots-Irish in her. She and I hung out together for a bit.  Our families even traveled to the North Georgia mountains, that was a trip and a half. We were introduced to, in my opinion, horrible boiled peanuts and dining with strangers. CeeCee and Carl loved these traditions. My spouse, forever the “yankee/militant former black panther” type, was not so enthused. He had noted on numerous occasions since our arrival of the locals extended gawks. CeeCee said,” We do stare a lot in the south”. Let me get back to what this was really about though. Staring was just a jumping off point for me. Is there ever really an excuse for being rude?

You see given enough time one can find an explanation for virtually anything; but just because you can explain it, doesn’t excuse it. You may say, “I didn’t mean anything by it or I always do that”. You must understand that perceptions play a key role in how particular acts are dealt with, so you don’t get to tell someone else how they should feel about a given situation.

Culture, age, region, and religious influences will affect the way we respond to one another. If only “When in Rome do as the Romans do” were a practicable rule of thumb; unexpected release of gas,  loud outburst of laughter, and yes  lengthy uninterrupted looks would be accepted and disregarded. Since that is NOT the case the next time you find yourself involved in such a situation, if you are the one  staring do a save and throw up a greeting with a wave. If you don’t there is a possibility the one who is being stared at may in a not-so-subtle way throw up a greeting to you, but keep a few of their fingers in the down position.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

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