Trying to make a decision about this has been taxing my mind for awhile.
I remember the first day we met like it was yesterday, the smiles were permanently etched in my mind.
How could we ever know that decades later we would still have this personal intimate connection without being openly involved.
Seemingly we kept missing one another and in the midst of these “misses”, other people and relationships entered into our respective lives. Religious folks speak of “road blocks” appearing to spare one a more disastrous occurrence. So many unspoken words, so many missed opportunities. Yet we still remained in one another’s lives.
How many times have I imagined MY version of the “happy ending”. I see myself in the kitchen looking outside as I wash dishes. I see you coming up behind me, kissing me on the neck. The thought makes me smile. We are far passed the romantic notions of young, fit, beautiful adults, but sometimes when I look into your eyes, read your messages, hear you say certain words, it is easy for me to convince myself this is right, this IS meant to be.
As I catch these glimpses of reality, I ask myself, “What does HE see when he looks at me? I am NOT pleased at self most of the time so what can I hope to project?” I quickly dismiss those thoughts. I ONLY want HIM to want me…virtually nothing else matters. I fill the time we are apart or at odds, with others who can only buy me a meal or share a phone conversation. For HE is the standard that MUST be met.
My time with him is gratifying but it has not been sweet and/or endearing for a long time now. This is why the questions arise. How can I love a man who is NOT loving to me? Am I grabbing for the love or is it the “win”. is this the feeling of “want”? I will not feel more for him than he feels for me. As I live with the belief that if the situation that keeps us apart were different, he STILL would not choose me. So I say, ” I will NOT feel more for him than he feels for me.” I simply MUST believe that, and yet I know nothing could be farther from the truth.