Motivated by a lack of material.


Here I am unable to put down a single thought. I am not without words though. They simply hurt to put down on paper or into text. You can be sitting still or in the midst of a task, when the burning sensation creeps into your heart an engulfs you. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you are better or you are beyond the child-like wails, believe me they are still within you. Mom passed away at 5:00 A.M. on Sunday October 30th 2016 in Harbor City, California..she was 82 years old.

It all happened so fast, I decided to go with the pace. I figured we would all be better if we could physically put this painful time behind us. Well we didn’t put it behind us, we put the pain out of sight. We did not think, we did not realize or reason through the fact that there would be reminders all around us. Even things we were certain would be okay are a source of anguish.

One day it will all be better, one day there will be smiles, but for now each sunrise or sunset serves as a reminder of one we lost who was so dear to us. She nurtured us, she taught us, she gave us love and care like no other. We took for granted she would always be with us. NOT that we believed or thought she’d live forever.The thought of such a loss was to overwhelming for us to deal with, so we pushed those emotions aside.  Even as we watched a strong independent pillar slowly become frail and confused, we comforted ourselves with denial.

Since the loss is so devastating, instinct tells us to run, hide, look for that protection and comfort; then the ironic reality sets in. She is where we would look for that comfort, that protection, that reassurance that everything will be alright, but she is gone..what is a child to do?



How Bout Colin

So I was born in 1959, by the time I started school in 1964, the Supreme Court had made a landmark decision to no longer allow prayer in school. What was there, was the pledge of Allegiance.The Civil rights Movement was well underway and a President had been assassinated.I can tell you the hair still stand up on the back of my neck when I hear Whitney Houston sing” The Star Spangled Banner”. However, that is me.

Colin Kaepernick sat during the National Anthem and he set “Twitter” and the news services on fire. Really? Why? I have heard it was so disrespectful, I watched videos where former fans burn Colin’s jersey, his actions have offended some and been applauded by others. He is being accused of trying to start a movement, a former talk show host told him to grow up because he lives in this great nation he is able to make millions of dollars playing football…. What does that have to do with anything?

Colin was exercising his right to express himself..you may have heard of freedom of speech.  The NFL issued a statement, which in short said the league encourages but does NOT demand players stand when the anthem is played. So what Colin did was wrong because people want HIM to behave the way THEY think he should? Colin is a young man, about four years younger Ryan Lochte, OUR Olympic swimmer who out and out LIED about outrageous behavior in order to avoid being held accountable for his actions and asked to be forgiven because what he did was childish( but there is a major difference between the two young men). However, his being young does not suggest that what he did was NOT well thought through.

The greatest country in the world, but it is NOT without flaws. Most of the flaws begin and end with the people of this nation.  People who wan to tell you the Confederacy holds a place of honor, the civil war had nothing to do with slavery, and racism does not exist.However the 1st African American President has had  a judge suggest his lineage is that of a primate, he has been accused of not being a citizen of these United States, he has been called a liar by congressmen, had a governor point her finger in his face as though he was a child being reprimanded. Now do you want to talk about RESPECT?!

As you sit pointing fingers at a young man who simply exercised his rights, ponder this; do you get to tell the judge how much he should charge you for a speeding ticket, do you get to tell your opponent how many points he can score against you when he is winning, I could go on. The point is no matter how many times it is stated, the problem here is not anything more than a certain faction in American society wanting to continue to have all of the rights and perks of this great nation. The United States of America, a nation that many beyond this ONE particular group helped build. Yet THEY are so determined to have things THEIR way that if they see any small indication or what they deem to be large indications things are changing, then they simply change the rules.

Once upon a time, that worked, once upon a time there was a poll tax, once upon a time you had to have your knowledge tested by telling individuals how many bubbles are in a bar of soap, that day is no more.

Endlessly Alone

If you have ever been put in a corner as a child, confined to a small place like an elevator, or even stuck in traffic  you may understand a little bit of how a person with dementia feels. In a place you don’t want to be in, wanting nothing more than to get out, realizing there are others around you, but no one can give you the assistance you really need.

What of the caregiver; the one left to manage things on a daily basis and the one who sees things at their worse. Much like a person drowning; they will pull down the very one who is attempting to save them. How does that person feel? Outsiders have many answers, but truly no solutions. Now you have two isolated souls and all others can do is sit by and watch.

Then there are the others..the outsiders, for everyone NOT living within the realm of the four walls your experience is limited. I dare say in many delicate situations and conversations you will be made aware of this. Sometimes it will be painful. However, it APPEARS you have to most freedom of all concerned in this, but things aren’t always as they appear.

If it would do any good I’d say to the dementia patient try to understand people close to you are only trying to help you. They hear and they see. Your disease denies and distorts what is needed now, comprehension.

If it would do any good I’d say to the caregiver I’d say be patient. If you cannot be patient get out, if you cannot get out it goes back to be patient. YOU have to understand more than anyone else, this situation is NOT going to get better.

If it would do any good I’d say to  the outsiders every single thing you do is appreciated and don’t go away because you are needed..DESPERATELY even when it doesn’t seem so.

To all involved; this is NO ONES fault, it is life and life is what it is.

Set Up For Failure

Okay here you are all prepared to help your loved one, your buddy, your confidant. You were told what was needed exactly and were prepared to do your part. You show up with your lawn mower and edger, you are dressed in gear fit to be outdoors. When your pal answers the door in a  robe, hair wrapped up in a towel, and hands you a pair of tweezers you are perplexed to say the least. Your friend does not even acknowledge your condition or equipment; moving about as though you are clearly mixed up, but the job that needed to be done still needs doing. At what point do you say,” I thought we were working outside?” My immediate response is,” The moment the door was open and my friend wasn’t dressed”, but think about this scenario for a moment and realize there had to be some miscommunication on some level for this to happen. This of course is a metaphoric reference to something real. People and their problems.

As we move through life we find ourselves becoming more and more aware that we are just sounding boards. People close to us are in crisis at times, they want help, they think they know what they want to do, but they realize they cannot do it alone. Enter YOU. You want to be there, you have been called upon to help. As time goes on and the situation appears to be heading in a specific direction, you let it be known you are there to help. Okay so a suggestion or two is ignored one or two times and the same problem still exists. However, one day this situation becomes critical a move must be made; you show up and find that this very same critical situation, while requiring attention is not in need of the attention you THOUGHT you were prepared to give, and you become painfully aware of this. What do you do?

Throwing your hands in the air and walking away is an excellent idea, but you know you cannot just walk away. Believe me when I tell you it may be the best you can do for YOU. Remember you got to this place, because you were allowed to get there by this person close to you. Even if you did not know you were NOT coming up with the right solutions, they did. That is why the ideas and suggestions were ignored. I come to you with this experience behind me. I say preserve yourself. We look at alcoholics and drug addicts and we can understand concepts of enabling. However, we must realize enabling is NOT limited to substance or any other kind of abuse.

Pay attention to the signs, read the fine print, and proceed with caution. Your heart, finances, and peace of mind could be on the line.

Still Explaining Himself

Okay, our President was in Britain this past week.The Mayor of London, THE MAYOR remember this, criticized OUR President for something he is so obviously ill equipped to address, beyond personal opinion. Britain’s possible departure from The            European Union. This “mayor” suggested that President Obama should not be urging Britain to stay in the EU because (and I am paraphrasing here people) he removed a bust from The Oval Office. Wow. That makes perfect sense for a “National Enquirer, tabloid style remark. He went on to suggest The President being part Kenyan makes his dislike for Britain clear. Our President once again demonstrated why He is The President and the likes of Mayor Boris Johnson is NOT!  Take time to view The Presidents remarks regarding the Churchill bust.Winston Churchill’s very own grandson stated Boris’ remarks were inappropriate.   Once again racism knows no bounds. When challenged or even if it is just a simple opportunity to TRY to be relevant the small minds of racist jump at a chance to be seen. Too bad “The London Fog” could not mask it’s mayor’s  narrow mindedness and stupidity.

And You Appear To Be Normal

I think one of the more challenging things about having a loved one with dementia        ( trust me there are a host of them) is their appearance.  We are so arrogant in what we deem to be basic knowledge;  when a condition or disease or situation presents itself to you and when you are personally involved, the logic flies out the window. You reach for anything that will help you feel better, because you are hurting. You are hurting when you don’t even know it. One day you will , and chances are it will come crashing down on you.

I was scanning through some very recent pictures of my mom, and while she did not look great she did not look like the person she is now.  She has help with personal things like dressing and hygiene. Little things like combing her once beautiful hair, has to be assisted or she will INSIST, her hair looks fine.

I am not dealing with it realistically, I can escape reality because I am not right there. However, when I am there physically, I am still not where I should be. I am putting on a strong face, because when I think about what is happening, when I allow myself to  accept my mom is not going to get better, it makes me so very sad and I weep. I cannot allow myself to sink into that place, because the business of life must go on.  I am grateful she is not deathly ill in a hospital. I do question quality of life matters. She is able to stay in her home with the help of my younger brother. You must understand there is so much more going on though.

Therefore, fair warning and a reminder “Things are not always what they appear to be.”

Neither Rain, Nor Sleet

Once-upon-a-time I carried mail; I was a pretty good carrier but I had several pretty nice routes in Los Angeles, California. I no longer work for the USPS, but what I have witnessed lately has me shaking my head with disapproval and disbelief.

What I have personally witnessed is mail delivery at night and I mean DARK OF NIGHT and mail delivery on Sunday!  What’s more is these are not outside incidents they occur regularly and they are happening in totally different regions. The night delivery happened in Inglewood, California. The Sunday delivery happened in Duluth, Georgia. This tells me there is a problem and it is NOT on a small scale.

Now maybe I missed the memo, but what my last communication talked about was the possible elimination of Saturday. There was no talk of replacing the Saturday delivery with nighttime or Sunday delivery, which is incidentally preposterous. When i was hired in 1985 “Special Delivery” carriers were being phased out. These were the carriers who delivered on days and at times the average carrier would not/did not. Also there were generally NOT delivering REGULAR mail.

I will start with delivering regular mail at night, it is dangerous and with the limited vision “misdeliveries” have to be at an all time high.When you see a carrier with a miner’s cap on walking door to door, you have to wonder what the manager is thinking. If someone walked up to my door after dark, making all kinds of noise that sounds like the are trying to compromise my security, calling the police would be the least of their concern.

Then there is Sunday. Okay this to me indicates the work load is out of control and/or poor planning, plus insufficient time management. Look at things from this standpoint, what business is really conducted on Sunday?  Therefore, where is the urgency? It is only urgent because that mail has been delayed.

This is a “pet-peeve” of mine, as I still utilize the U.S.Mail for small jobs, but I still expect to be dealing with a professional agency. I  still have friends that work for the USPS, I am not trying to discredit the agency, but I do see problem. I don’t want to read about a carrier being injured or killed, because of  an unsafe practice.

Therefore, if you see a carrier walking the streets at night or dropping mail off at your house on a Sunday, bother to take time out and write a letter to the USPS first, and if you don’t get a response your congressman next. Let it be known this is UNACCEPTABLE. If you don’t expect anything from an individual that is exactly what you will get, NOTHING. The same goes for agencies and industries. Expect and DEMAND more!


Short Time and Small Talk

When you are blessed with a  true friend, you’d better recognize what a treasure you have. Not trying to fill this blog with metaphors, but they are sometimes just appropriate. It had been a bit since we just had a simple conversation; not about the tragedies or disasters going on in each of our lives, no talk of turmoil at work. We have gotten to a point where we expect to leave a message rather than talk to one another and when we do hear a voice that is the first  thing we say,” I didn’t expect you to pick up.” Just another example of how life passes you by so rapidly and you look around and you wonder where time has gone.

It was good talking to my friend, it was good  just hearing her voice. When we hung up it felt a sigh of relief and my mind traveled back to another time, but I was still able to realize where I was/ we were and how very far we have come. I also was able to come to terms with the fact if you don’t make time to visit your happy places, you can easily forget where they are or that they even exist.

April Showers, April Rains

I woke to precipitation this morning, but it is not odd for April 2016. It has been a seemingly wet month.   There has been a lot of loss; loss that is close to me, loss that affects me at a distance, they are all significant and profound. This April has been wet with rain and wet with tears. The rain washes away the residue and quenches the dry soil, preparing for growth. The tears while expressing sorrow, give way to a clearer understanding and time for reflection. The month is nearly gone and as I think of the little rhyme of my childhood “April Showers Bring May Flowers”, I beckon to the universe bring on the flowers.


Harder Work Than I Thought

So my blog has suffered lately. It has been terribly neglected. I have rethought my approach to blogging and in many ways it has made it more difficult. Am I up for the challenge I’d love to say , “YES, absolutely”. Instead I say, ” We will see…”

Working and working on other projects is taxing. Yet I do this for love, so as long as there is love there will be words. More to come.

Post Navigation

%d bloggers like this: