hafacenturyncounting

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Archive for the category “How We Relate”

25 Nov 2025

I Wanna Be Where You Are

There it is in the title a short synopsis of belonging, but it is wide open and vague.

I recently joined a group I found to be exciting and befitting for me. I l immediately was drawn to it because of the name. The name suggested even more that this was a group I not only wanted to be a part of, I needed to be a part of. They exemplified “my tribe“. Therefore, I joined. There were a couple of things required of new members and I had what was needed… I submitted the info and I was accepted.

I smiled rather smugly because I felt accomplished and victorious. I scrolled around my group. I looked at photos read profiles and introductions. Then it happened. I came across an individual who did not meet with the standards I read. I did not acknowledge this individual but observed the responses of others. After all I was new, perhaps I had missed something. I refrained from contacting the administrators at first but did eventually pose the question, “Why is this person here?” However, it was more of a statement than a question because the group was majority against this individual’s presence than for it. Before I could get a reply, here comes another and another. Soon I am reading things like, “Why is this literally the only thing this group talks about?” I am not asking that question because it is predominately being asked by people who do not fit the criterion. I had another question.

Why do you want to be someplace or among individuals who do not want you there? That sounds harsh, it is not, it is factual. I thought of a number of scenarios where I felt I was going down the rabbit hole with discrimination screamed at me, but that was extreme. However, I still had to at the very least glance at it. What if I were at the helm and a case were brought before me? Could I really justify an injustice with the basic question…Why do you want to be where you are NOT wanted? However, this is NOT about justice itis about exclusivity and the right to exclusivity has oftentimes been used or misused for the sake of injustice.

In our instant gratification society, we really do not have time to read and thoroughly examine what we think we are getting into. Many of us skim and scan through contracts, articles, stories. We grab a hold of what gets OUR attention, call it the main idea and we are “off to the races”. The trouble/danger in this practice is what if we miss something and what do we do when/if this occurs?

My group caught my attention with one word… A word I have heard all of my life. I took it and RAN! The word TALL. All I needed to see was that word, all I needed to do was skim and scan because at 5’10” I KNEW I fit the bill. Nearly every important, significant, phenomenal female friend/relative was/is shorter than I am. This did not bother me in an overt sense. When I did take a closer look as I suspected, I was right. The snobbery and arrogance took over. Is that shocking? The abused oftentimes become the abusers. Plus being a TALL as a woman is viewed quite differently than it is being a TALL as a man. Stature scrutiny versus stature status.

Now I am looking at posts deciding which ones I would or would not respond to and this WAS based on what I determined to be what the rules were AND how I interpreted what I read. Before I wanted to publicly address this, I wanted to have facts, information, and YES ammunition. If I am honest, I wanted the criteria to keep our group exclusive. I wanted to enjoy us without being inundated with folks that aren’t a part of our tribe. Yet the very thing that kept me from posting comments without research was the same thing that made me reexamine what I saw/interpreted/read. The founder put verbiage in the group that states what the standards for height and admission is, but the caveat is “all are welcome“.

Therefore, one must ask oneself; do you want to be a part of a group you thought was exclusive, had positives, things you were looking for, or do you want to exit it, as you would have had the ones YOU thought did not belong should. If I had my way, prior to closely reading what was being expressed by the group’s founder, many who are near and dear to my heart could not attend functions that my group might be hosting. Was that really what I wanted? The group founder says, “all are welcome”… I’m still here.

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25 Nov 2025

A Bitter Black Babe?

“What’s her problem”, you might ask. What does she look like? It cannot be all that bad. However, what if it is? How many rejections and disappointments must one endure? How many of these same things does it take to equal bitter? Will the answers to these questions explain what truly has occurred? Who gets to say what is and is not bitter?

Dating is exhausting. There are no fast tracks to “the one“. Honesty is an accessory which is in high demand, in spite of it being costly. Couple that with, it may be providing you with a false positive. This means; just because you are given a bit of truth, does NOT mean you are NOT dealing with a liar. Then we delve into what constitutes a liar and/or a lie. See why dating is exhausting. We must present and sell ourselves in a fashion that should lead to connecting with a companion who is “like-minded’ … a good match. Still, we find ourselves captured in the “storm of confusion”.

One needs to take periodic breaks; you need to step back and re-evaluate your decisions and situations. Cliches have to be looked at as advice to seriously consider. “You get what you give, garbage in garbage out“, all the while trying to explain, justify, understand how these things pertain to you. It is both sobering and numbing. As we spend our valuable time figuring out things, we look up and realize how much time has been wasted. For in the end many of us end up back at square one. Older= yes, wiser= possibly, bitter=chances are…

One has to ask how do, smart, accomplished, educated, talented, beautiful, kind, caring women end up competing for “Ned the wino” or worse? Make no mistake “Ned” is fully aware he is in demand too. One can keep fighting, hoping, wishing, praying, dreaming of the elusive one. One can come to terms with the one may have passed her by or there simply is not one that fits the criteria she set up. All of these scenarios do bring you back to the bitter black babe. Is there justification for the phenomenon, sure but that does not make it any easier to accept. Whether one is the recipient or the provider, the “sting” is very real.

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19 Oct 2025

While You Are Busy Making Plans

John Lennon said, ” Life is what happens while you are busy making plans.” I loved John. I loved “The Beatles”. In 1980 when the news of John’s murder hit the news, I felt the sadness of loss. I had no idea what was ahead for me. I was single, no children and my immediate family was intact. John’s words would become a part of me in a whirlwind of events. I would watch in a sort of out of body experience, with the narration being made up of that simple yet prophetic statement.

Speeding into the future, the everyday drudgery of life; it all seems unremarkable. Looking back, I believe it was actually “setting the stage for the next acts”. We will take it a decade at a time, for days, even years seem overwhelming to recount.

From 1980 thru 1990 I married, had two children and lost my father. From 1990 thru 2000 my family moved away from everything we were familiar with to another state, and I had a child graduate from high school. 2000 thru 2010 my other child graduate from high school, the 1st black president was elected, and I became a grandmother. 2010 thru 2020; a second grandchild was welcomed into the family. Then I lost a great portion of my immediate family, my mother, my youngest son, my younger brother, and my husband. I lost sight of who I was because that person no longer existed, only portions of her remained and she was unrecognizable. 2020 thru present; a pandemic, I retired, what remained of my immediate family, and I left the state we had settled in for 30 years.

August 2025 a reminder of the pain of loss returned; my brother-in-law passed away. I always liked Calvin. In my mind I had lost all the people that I could bare, and I should not have to lose anyone else. The logical thought is that I would go before anyone else, but I aint logical. I feel like the universe has wronged me and I get to say how it will make things right. I am not an idiot, though as I write this, I know how irrational I sound. However, it sounds, it is the expression of how I feel. This kind of loss is a reminder how fragile life is. This kind of loss is a trigger that takes me back to the times that a familiar type of hurt was encompassing my life. It is familiar, but that does not soften the blow or the shock. Part of the resilience of humans is that we retain hope and that hope makes us insulate from certain pain, even if the insulation is a temporary loss of memory.

I wish I had something ironic or profound to end this with, I don’t. Instead I will leave you with words you have likely heard/read before. “Live each day is though it were your last, for it may very well be.” It is wonderful to have a plan, but always keep in mind that you have to factor in LIFE and that adds an entirely different dynamic to your plan.

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07 Apr 2025

Blessed With Longevity, Cursed With Life

As the decades pass, sometimes we sit still and realize what this means. Our time on the planet is no longer measured in increments whose boundaries can be confined to 365 days. We have now accumulated enough of those periods to be placed in another category.

When I started hafacenturyncounting, I was only five decades into my journey. I clearly remember being a child and marveling at, as well as being astonished by someone who was 50 years old! Now the “ncounting ” is taking on a new life with new meaning. Senior days at respective retail stores, AARP membership, social security, and retirement benefits define me. Now I laugh about this at times, now I marvel at this too, and then there are the occasions when the brutality of aging smacks me in the face.

Let me tell you why I laugh. I find it funny and ironic when I speak about “older people” and catch myself because I AM NOW one of the older people. I wonder how this happened and how I could possibly forget or overlook who I am. As close as I can come to an explanation and/or admission is that I do not consciously identify with my group. I don’t look like an “older person“, except the fact that my hair is gray/graying. I could fix that with a wig, or I could color my hair, but I really don’t want to. Alright, so I guess I do possess a characteristic associated with an “older person“.

Now let me tell why I marvel at being a part of the “older people’s group”. I find myself looking at the generation(s) right behind ours and saying or thinking, ” What in the world or Why are they so….” No need to finish the sentence or thought, it is not positive. Yet the marvel and irony come to mind as I remember when my parents’ generation and beyond thought and said the very same things about us.

Then there is facing the brutality of the aging process. I have always been a very healthy person. This has been a good fortune I still possess. I am aware that as the numbers (chronological age) increase the possibility and probability of change in one’s physical self becomes more likely. Yet being spared the reality of pain and discomfort has allowed me to disregard them. Trust me I was reminded how rapidly things like your physical condition can change. I did not like it either.

Overall, one must acknowledge these little irritations and irregularities are a part of the blessing of living longer. Longevity comes at a price. That price can be viewed as small in comparison to the alternative. When that fact comes to the forefront appreciate what is being gifted to you and accept that eventually we all end up at the same destination.

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16 Mar 2025

Nuthin in New Bern

This is not to be insulting or offensive. It is an observation that takes into account personal preferences and choices.

A beautiful little city in Eastern North Carolina, I came to live here because my eldest son was offered a promotion. He asked me if I wanted to move with his family here. Due to the fact that I am a widow, and we lost his younger brother in 2018, he knew I had nothing tying me to Atlanta that would take precedence over my remaining immediate family. It was a “no brainer”. Therefore, I made the decision to head “north”.

Upon our arrival here I was taken with the cuteness. There were unique little shops, there was familiar retail and loads of eateries. The demographic was quite different from Metro Atlanta, but on the other hand I embraced things like very little traffic and close proximity to the beach. Fast forward over 3 years later. Life happens, as it just does. My son and his family moved back to the Atlanta area. My moving back was not as “simple” as theirs was. I was enrolled in college classes; I had a lease, and my retirement income while adequate for New Bern very well could/would/may present a challenge that I was not really prepared to deal with. I am now basically alone with Nuthin In New Bern.

As seniors we all have a very real possibility of being ALONE somewhere, at some time in our futures. We may either outlive or outlast our people and/ or circumstances. I speak with my 93-year-old “play mother”(she is actually my younger sister’s official godmother, but she was my mom’s best friend for decades of mom’s life. She is family) daily. This out-living/out lasting is her “plight”. As I examine my circumstances, I feel the need to sound off the warning signal. When I speak of my “play mother’s” plight it is yet another observation of how varied we are as Baby Boomers. It is also worthy of notice. Be it health, finances, tragic events; we have years of experience in life to deal with changes. However, we have undergone many changes that may take us off track. As we have aged, we naturally have taken on some of the characteristics of aging, whether we want to or not. The adage of “teaching an old dog new tricks” takes on a new light when you find you are not only embracing that line of thinking, but you’re also living it.

The graces that youth provides us with, are no longer benefits we “hold the papers to”. I am a bit adventurous and nomadic, but now my new “friends (limitations and mobility)” trailing behind me, closing in on me, and they are just waiting to join my caravan of life. I have to mount an offensive. This state of “being alone” gives you an opportunity to do a great deal of thinking… too much thinking at times. For an overthinker it is not necessarily a good thing. However, the flip side is my mind shall not be “a workshop for the devil”.

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21 Nov 2024

Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

I should have known better. I should have seen this coming. Tell me the one thing you hope no one ever says or thinks about you. When you find yourself faced with that very thing, that very thought, what do you do. Will you let pride and ego drag you down the path of destruction of sorts?

Sometimes you get blindsided. I asked myself the question, I told myself, for the most part, I do not care what people think about me. I also realize on some levels that is NOT true. I am confrontational, I am judgmental, I am also respectful and exercise tact. I kept hearing over and over again how there was no need to worry about me, because I will be alright. She can/will handle it. As time went on, I wondered if that was/those assessment were because that is truly how I am viewed/seen/perceived or was this a way of getting folks that I may have turned to off the hook.

Making it your business NOT to say or do things for reaction in your personal life is far different than what you have been taught to do in your business life. Yet the two worlds entwine and intermingle.

You find yourself in a place of insignificance and disregard. It does NOT feel good. Individuals that once turned to you for advice and assistance, do not notice it has been several days since they communicated with you. When they do communicate, they do NOT take time to hear or listen to you. At first you may not even notice this is happening. Then as time goes on and it occurs more and more, what do you do? Do you approach it and try to identify where the break has manifested, or do you ignore it and hope the other individual has a revelation/comes to their senses and makes everything right?

In your work world you exercise tact and operate in a place that gives individuals the benefit of the doubt. If they do not respond the solution can be a simple discussion or as drastic as them losing their job. However, unlike in your personal life, the cards are placed on the table.

I was much better at this when I was younger, but now with a panic attack under my belt I am realizing I must care for me. I cannot let things happen. I cannot wait for the other shoe to drop.

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15 May 2024

D-I-V-I-N-E

Lying in your arms is simply divine. I know it won’t last forever because I could not survive FOREVER, but for now it is simply DIVINE. The very thought of it, of you…thinking of getting up and parting from you, simply moving or breathing could mean this feeling would change and the fact is I could not bear it, I just don’t want to. I just want to lay here with you and take you all in. I want time to stand still, I don’t want this to end.

Of course, it did end. We both returned to our respective lives. I had to come to terms with, ” I have no idea WHO this man is…” I cannot begin to explain how very sobering, as well as frightening that is. It certainly should be. We all watch the news, have viewed the reality type police stories, read papers and magazines alike. Yet, I allowed myself to be in the presence of a perfect stranger…and he was/is quite perfect I MUST add. The good news is he is far away. The good news is whatever, his daily existence is I have NOT endeavored to find out the details. I think I have an idea of what IS in fact going on, but I exist with the thought, ” It has nothing to do with me.”

I still can manage a smile (manage, I am hard pressed to restrain myself) when I think of him and the times we spent together. No this is no romance novel quality relationship; it is also not a sleezy article in an adult magazine. It IS a short story of a” Thing ” that happened, a ” Thing” that felt really good and as though it had real possibilities. I ask myself, what does it feel like to have everything seemingly going your way? What does it feel like to hold all of the aces, to KNOW things are gonna turn out just like you think you want them to? What does that feel like….I actually do know. It feels DIVINE.

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15 May 2024

Heart Of Mine

It was just like the first time I laid eyes on him. Your heart does remember. We smiled, we embraced, we laughed and reminisced. Before we knew it five hours had gone by. I thought before we met up I might want something “more” to transpire, by the time we prepared to leave the restaurant I KNEW I wanted something more to happen. Pride, ego and insecurity deprived me of true effort at intimacy or even a kiss to remember.

I AM an ” all-or-nothing” kinda girl… even when I decide I can take less, I will still only take a smidge/an iota less. I am still a hopeless romantic. I know he knows I am a good woman, a good person, a lady. I had to come to grips with the fact that the qualities I had bothered to hone were simply some things he did not want or need. I could try to simplify it by saying he did not want me, but there was far more to it than that.

Decades of being connected and still just out of reach. One might ask, well why do you still reach? As we look at the facts, there is something missing in many of our lives. We exist for love and fulfillment. Once we decide it is here or there, we cannot help but figure out a way to obtain it. Yet there is a stopping point, there is a place where our psyche, ego, pride, common sense say, ” Hmmmm maybe you are reading a little bit more into this than actually is there.”

Happily (or not) I can now say I am in a place where what my dear, lovely friend does is truly irrelevant. I have stumbled into or found myself in a place that allows me to be okay with facts, and comfortable with the acceptance of situations. The two of us will forever be connected on a special friend level. He still says the sweetest things to me, and I take those same sweet words for what they are worth. They are up for interpretation, but they are NOT life altering.

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08 May 2023
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Silently Self-Absorbed

It rang in my ear. Words from a “friend” lost along the way. She said, “I liked who liked me.” I brushed it off because I did not agree. I looked at it from a superficial standpoint. This is an excuse for being with this type, or this race, or this whatever. I told myself she IS settling because she is running from the truth, her truth. I don’t have that problem, I KNOW who I am, I am NOT in denial. At least that is what I tell myself.

I started writing this blog over a decade ago. Lots of LIFE has happened in these past 13 plus years. I now find myself writing about the dilemma known as dating. I am NO EXPERT, but I do have a handle on what I have encountered. As a writer I want to cover other things my blog was started as an entertaining little observation, now it has taken on a life of its own and that life actually belongs to ME. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say it has taken on MY LIFE.

This is the age of the Narcissist. We all know one or two, if we examine ourselves in comparison to the definition, we may find that we ourselves fall into the category. Why does this surprise us and why is this piece relevant?

Like the presentation of a dead bird or headless mouse a cat brings to its beloved owner or prospective owner, these suitors delivered an array of meaningless, inappropriate, silly trinkets. Their intentions unsuccessfully disguised in the simplest of fashion. I know this sounds bad but thus the title Silently Self–Absorbed. Of course, they never had any idea how much I disliked what they had given me. They were just moved into the area that prospects go to “die.” The deal is if YOU are the right kind of being, the material gifts could NEVER hold a candle to your character, and that IS what I/we humans ultimately seek.

Yet this environment I must venture into on a regular basis has me doing as the saying suggests ” When in Rome…” I dislike it, I find it distasteful, but I am still pulled into it. The idea of having an individual who does not possess qualities I say I want, need, must have is unconscionable. I had to admit that sounded like a narcissist. The presence of the word “I” was everywhere! I want this, I must have that, I will not tolerate…I, I, I,!

As many of us who are fortunate enough to have a community of”sisters” , I sent my daily greeting to mine. I thought of what I wanted to run passed them, the exploits of the day/night before. They KNOW me and my characteristics, most importantly my “Achilles heel”. It was as I thought of my weakness, I realized something that was mentioned to me regarding a certain behavior pattern I have developed and quite frankly thought was quite good. It was in the midst of my describing what I was doing and rationalizing it, my attention was drawn to the fact that” if the shoe was on the other foot” I would NOT tolerate such behavior… and try as I might to dance around this revelation, it was quite true. YIKES!

Without revealing details of these shortcomings that exist within ourselves we play to a different looking narcissist, but it still is a narcissist just the same. Self-absorbed with justification(s) still qualifies as self-absorbed. And finally just because you do not shout your intentions/ preferences/thought patterns from rooftops does NOT make them any less obvious. While focusing on I/me one might be overlooking that which stares one in the face, in ones very own reflection, with or without the aid of a mirror. Now who is the one with the issue of being self-absorbed.?

Posted in Dating 6.0, How We Relate and tagged , ,
13 Nov 2022
1 Comment

Resisting The Overwhelming Need To Be Petty

Ok we are all human. One thing about that is, it makes us subject to our very weak, vulnerable, not-so-positive characteristics. These aspects of us can be obstacles we will find difficult to overcome and many times we may not even have the desire to fight off these same undesirables.

All that build up is to try to make my story a bit more palatable. Okay I am actually trying to justify a particular behavior, that I am not quite proud of. Belonging to the gray brigade is a badge of honor that we do not always wear proudly. Especially when many of us aren’t exactly gray (thanks to hair/ color enhancing techniques), but nonetheless it is still a badge of honor. Honor is something that is bestowed on one not necessarily because of self-proclamation or even something that was intentionally done. It is given because one is oftentimes deserving of it but did not consciously seek the adulation. Let us move into the other direction, to the land of petty.

I make attempts to separate myself from certain situations and certain beings. I do this because I do NOT want to be committed to these same things and individuals. Keeping the expectation not low but nonexistent. Don’t misunderstand this, I am able and willing to help, and I will it is the obligatory socializing that comes as a reward for good deeds that I am not fond of. A simple “thank you” will suffice, and all parties can return to their respective spots.

Residing in a complex where the individuals fit into a certain classification has its benefits as well as its drawbacks. I gave up a degree of privacy for cost-effectiveness. I sacrificed a bit of luxury for convenience. I let go of these two things of my own free will and had virtually no regret, note I said virtually… My complex has many individuals of varying health conditions, the economic status is also a challenge, then there is the demographic in general. I realized when I came to this place it was going to be a place to rest my head; I would be cordial but not overly friendly, approachable, nor accommodating. Humans…we are such curious creatures. After the initial queries things began to calm down. Residents learned the new stranger was strange and perhaps stand-offish. But she was polite, helpful, and had a sense of pride in the community. Characteristics many of them lacked.

However, all of us wants/needs to be special. If it is as simple as seniority or complex as self-proclaimed entitlement these things make themselves known. WE are discussing petty here. At my residence there are no garages, a luxury I miss but have adjusted to. The weather here is not that extreme, we have a secured building, but no security gate to access our parking lot. We also do NOT have assigned spaces. Here it comes, that “seniority/ entitlement stuff”. There are a select number of individuals who have parked in a certain space so often they feel as though that spot belongs to them exclusively. Only outsiders park in the spots when these said individuals leave and if they return to find “their” spots occupied there is a sense that a true violation has taken place. I found myself buying into this culture before I actually knew what had happened.

I selected an area that I wanted to park my vehicle in. That area soon was narrowed down to a couple of spaces that fit my need/desires/ liking best. Several things were taken into account. What individual tended to park in the same area was a factor, as well as the car they drove and its condition. I was not upset if I vacated the spot and returned to find it taken, I simply moved to another. However, someone parked in “my” prime spot and stayed there all day one day. Then the next day they were again in THE SPOT. Now as I said there are several that can serve the purpose, but this had become my favorite. I would never confront anyone about parking in a non-handicap unassigned space, but after a couple days it did feel personal. I found myself looking out my window to see if the spot was available so I could move my car into THE SPOT. I felt the need to reclaim this unassigned spot that “I” had selected for myself. I did move my car back to my space of choice a couple of times and in the past that was all that was required for someone to get the point that space was basically taken. This did not seem to be the case this time. Now I was taking it personal. I found myself seizing any and all opportunities to take that space back. If it was late at night, if I was on my way out (because I am not tied to any real schedule) I initially pulled into that space if not for the person parking in the space, but for the other residents to see and possibly take notice and or report it to that person. I was delaying and altering my life for the sake of a parking spot.

Subconsciously I knew it was being petty. I knew I could park blocks away and because I was in decent physical shape and my car was properly insured, there really was no issue. Yet I continued to allow this to be something I took notice of. Ironically a couple things had transpired in a relatively short period of time. One of the key reasons I parked where I did was because there was an obnoxious drunk guy that used to make it his business to talk to me. My upbringing would only allow me to be so rude, so condescending … basically he never got it and if he did his intoxication facilitated him forgetting and speaking the next time he saw me any way. Avoidance was my only refuge. However, he moved away. I was thrilled. This freed up another area I could feel comfortable parking my vehicle in. Yet I still paid attention to where I used to park. Finally, I came to terms with “my petty”. It was a night that the weather was rather inclement. I looked out my window and saw the space was open. For an instant I imagined myself getting dressed, grabbing my keys and moving my car to a space that was farther away from the door, a space that would remove me from the comfort I had settled into for the night. THE SPOT. I was disappointed in myself, but happy for the realization that I was in fact being “PETTY” and it did not matter. Happily, I did not make that move, it was the first step in my overcoming one phase of my “petty”. I look forward to NOT allowing that to happen to me again. Even though I realize I have that in me, and I sincerely hope it does not manifest in the form of a parking space again.

Posted in Fictional Accounts, How We Relate and tagged , ,

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