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Motivated by a lack of material.

Archive for the tag “communication”

25 Nov 2025

I Wanna Be Where You Are

There it is in the title a short synopsis of belonging, but it is wide open and vague.

I recently joined a group I found to be exciting and befitting for me. I l immediately was drawn to it because of the name. The name suggested even more that this was a group I not only wanted to be a part of, I needed to be a part of. They exemplified “my tribe“. Therefore, I joined. There were a couple of things required of new members and I had what was needed… I submitted the info and I was accepted.

I smiled rather smugly because I felt accomplished and victorious. I scrolled around my group. I looked at photos read profiles and introductions. Then it happened. I came across an individual who did not meet with the standards I read. I did not acknowledge this individual but observed the responses of others. After all I was new, perhaps I had missed something. I refrained from contacting the administrators at first but did eventually pose the question, “Why is this person here?” However, it was more of a statement than a question because the group was majority against this individual’s presence than for it. Before I could get a reply, here comes another and another. Soon I am reading things like, “Why is this literally the only thing this group talks about?” I am not asking that question because it is predominately being asked by people who do not fit the criterion. I had another question.

Why do you want to be someplace or among individuals who do not want you there? That sounds harsh, it is not, it is factual. I thought of a number of scenarios where I felt I was going down the rabbit hole with discrimination screamed at me, but that was extreme. However, I still had to at the very least glance at it. What if I were at the helm and a case were brought before me? Could I really justify an injustice with the basic question…Why do you want to be where you are NOT wanted? However, this is NOT about justice itis about exclusivity and the right to exclusivity has oftentimes been used or misused for the sake of injustice.

In our instant gratification society, we really do not have time to read and thoroughly examine what we think we are getting into. Many of us skim and scan through contracts, articles, stories. We grab a hold of what gets OUR attention, call it the main idea and we are “off to the races”. The trouble/danger in this practice is what if we miss something and what do we do when/if this occurs?

My group caught my attention with one word… A word I have heard all of my life. I took it and RAN! The word TALL. All I needed to see was that word, all I needed to do was skim and scan because at 5’10” I KNEW I fit the bill. Nearly every important, significant, phenomenal female friend/relative was/is shorter than I am. This did not bother me in an overt sense. When I did take a closer look as I suspected, I was right. The snobbery and arrogance took over. Is that shocking? The abused oftentimes become the abusers. Plus being a TALL as a woman is viewed quite differently than it is being a TALL as a man. Stature scrutiny versus stature status.

Now I am looking at posts deciding which ones I would or would not respond to and this WAS based on what I determined to be what the rules were AND how I interpreted what I read. Before I wanted to publicly address this, I wanted to have facts, information, and YES ammunition. If I am honest, I wanted the criteria to keep our group exclusive. I wanted to enjoy us without being inundated with folks that aren’t a part of our tribe. Yet the very thing that kept me from posting comments without research was the same thing that made me reexamine what I saw/interpreted/read. The founder put verbiage in the group that states what the standards for height and admission is, but the caveat is “all are welcome“.

Therefore, one must ask oneself; do you want to be a part of a group you thought was exclusive, had positives, things you were looking for, or do you want to exit it, as you would have had the ones YOU thought did not belong should. If I had my way, prior to closely reading what was being expressed by the group’s founder, many who are near and dear to my heart could not attend functions that my group might be hosting. Was that really what I wanted? The group founder says, “all are welcome”… I’m still here.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , | Leave a comment
25 Nov 2025

A Bitter Black Babe?

“What’s her problem”, you might ask. What does she look like? It cannot be all that bad. However, what if it is? How many rejections and disappointments must one endure? How many of these same things does it take to equal bitter? Will the answers to these questions explain what truly has occurred? Who gets to say what is and is not bitter?

Dating is exhausting. There are no fast tracks to “the one“. Honesty is an accessory which is in high demand, in spite of it being costly. Couple that with, it may be providing you with a false positive. This means; just because you are given a bit of truth, does NOT mean you are NOT dealing with a liar. Then we delve into what constitutes a liar and/or a lie. See why dating is exhausting. We must present and sell ourselves in a fashion that should lead to connecting with a companion who is “like-minded’ … a good match. Still, we find ourselves captured in the “storm of confusion”.

One needs to take periodic breaks; you need to step back and re-evaluate your decisions and situations. Cliches have to be looked at as advice to seriously consider. “You get what you give, garbage in garbage out“, all the while trying to explain, justify, understand how these things pertain to you. It is both sobering and numbing. As we spend our valuable time figuring out things, we look up and realize how much time has been wasted. For in the end many of us end up back at square one. Older= yes, wiser= possibly, bitter=chances are…

One has to ask how do, smart, accomplished, educated, talented, beautiful, kind, caring women end up competing for “Ned the wino” or worse? Make no mistake “Ned” is fully aware he is in demand too. One can keep fighting, hoping, wishing, praying, dreaming of the elusive one. One can come to terms with the one may have passed her by or there simply is not one that fits the criteria she set up. All of these scenarios do bring you back to the bitter black babe. Is there justification for the phenomenon, sure but that does not make it any easier to accept. Whether one is the recipient or the provider, the “sting” is very real.

Posted in Dating 6.0, How We Relate, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , , , | Leave a comment
05 Aug 2025

Algorithms and Such

Defined an algorithm is a set of rules to be followed in calculations or other problem-solving operations.

Well in my humble opinion dating is a problem worthy of solving. I am thinking I am not alone. The dating apps are all over and each one suggests, if not promises results that others cannot. Any good salesperson is going to fill your head with suggestions but how you interpret, process, and regurgitate this information is likely gonna fall on YOU.

First let’s be clear here, the dating apps do not clearly STATE there is use of algorithms. However, we as a society are a smart, educated, informed group. We are using the process of elimination and deductions to draw the conclusion an algorithm is being utilized. Dating apps evolved from dating services and personal ads. I imagine if younger people read this piece their response will be “WTF is a dating service/personal ad?” However, to my targeted audience you all know of what I speak.

There are other factors of course; numbers, personal data collection, etc. I do submit that it is a combination of these factors plus the algorithm which give the dating apps “wings”. The numbers are simple; we are dealing with the amount of submissions… basic counting. The personal data collection is a bit more complex, for it leaves room for alterations and fabrications from the very source. Let’s be real, everyone is not telling the truth. Now the algorithm is stuck with drawing a conclusion with tainted data. Then someone like me comes along and says,” The algorithm is f#@&ed, why bother telling the system my preference is over 6′ yet a 5’5″ guy is in my “perfect match” column?”

What can I say… I decided to swim in this dirty water. I know there are risks but we are all adults here, in my case “waaay adult”. Therefore, I scroll and swipe. Sometimes the photos ARE all you need. When you are a writer, it is difficult to use that as a primary screening process. Our natural curiosity makes us go deeper; we want to read the “story” and get a feel for the character. While many can manage a working title, few can pull off the other elements. Then it becomes too much effort, and the imposters simply decide to move on. After all, throw enough… stuff against a wall, something will stick. What is left are the casualties of the process. Casualties that try to remain hopeful something good will slip through and the algorithm will actually yield positive possibilities and/or results.

Posted in Dating 6.0, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , | Leave a comment
19 Apr 2025
1 Comment

Can Our Friendship Survive The Politics

This is a wonderful person. Funny, kind, logical, resourceful to name a few attributes. We mesh, my friend and me. However, there is something that can come between us and take all of this away. We both know it is true. We tactfully avoid this thing. We do not dance around it; we act as though it does NOT exist. This way we can go along and enjoy the great thing we have found in our friendship. However, it is there, and it will not go away.

Politics and political climate, if I am honest has always been a powder keg. There are times when it is more visible, more volatile, but it is always there waiting on a catalyst. If it goes to my liking, my friend may be quite unhappy and vice versa. Will I celebrate, will I rub it in her face, or will I revel in silent excitement and joy. What will she do faced with the same.

I have to admit there is some real ugliness that fuels my feelings regarding this subject and this particular politician. When I think of and say the things I do, or write what I write, or comment on different entries…then I think of my friend and have to accept I feel like she is a part of those feelings. She is those negative thoughts and comments, because otherwise she would not be on that side. I have to be fair; her political views have to make her say/think the some of the very same things.

How good of a friend can one be if they do not confide or feel free to discuss any and all things? Avoidance is not a building block for a healthy relationship. Sometimes we feel it is necessary to spare feelings, we take the lead, make ourselves into this self-sacrificing being and tell ourselves, ” It will be better in the long run to spare their feelings”. That is not all there is though. We don’t want to lose any good we have and a good person, a good friendship is difficult to let go of.

As I prepare to meet my friend for another lunch, shopping date, or movie night, I have to check my pulse. I cannot go without taking my political temperature. I do all of this and have to remain cognizant that all the checks and balances may not, will not, cannot prepare for all the possibilities for conflict. I just may not see it coming. Then the answer to the question will begin to be revealed.

Posted in One For My Friends, Quickbits and tagged ,
21 Nov 2024

Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

I should have known better. I should have seen this coming. Tell me the one thing you hope no one ever says or thinks about you. When you find yourself faced with that very thing, that very thought, what do you do. Will you let pride and ego drag you down the path of destruction of sorts?

Sometimes you get blindsided. I asked myself the question, I told myself, for the most part, I do not care what people think about me. I also realize on some levels that is NOT true. I am confrontational, I am judgmental, I am also respectful and exercise tact. I kept hearing over and over again how there was no need to worry about me, because I will be alright. She can/will handle it. As time went on, I wondered if that was/those assessment were because that is truly how I am viewed/seen/perceived or was this a way of getting folks that I may have turned to off the hook.

Making it your business NOT to say or do things for reaction in your personal life is far different than what you have been taught to do in your business life. Yet the two worlds entwine and intermingle.

You find yourself in a place of insignificance and disregard. It does NOT feel good. Individuals that once turned to you for advice and assistance, do not notice it has been several days since they communicated with you. When they do communicate, they do NOT take time to hear or listen to you. At first you may not even notice this is happening. Then as time goes on and it occurs more and more, what do you do? Do you approach it and try to identify where the break has manifested, or do you ignore it and hope the other individual has a revelation/comes to their senses and makes everything right?

In your work world you exercise tact and operate in a place that gives individuals the benefit of the doubt. If they do not respond the solution can be a simple discussion or as drastic as them losing their job. However, unlike in your personal life, the cards are placed on the table.

I was much better at this when I was younger, but now with a panic attack under my belt I am realizing I must care for me. I cannot let things happen. I cannot wait for the other shoe to drop.

Posted in How We Relate and tagged , , | Leave a comment
02 Jun 2024
2 Comments

And I’m OUT…again

Wanna talk about frustration. Dating at our age is NOT fun. This writing seems very familiar. Is it because I have addressed it before? Is it that I have written the statement so many times? Is it that I have said the words so often? Is it the fact I live it every day and basically HATE being thrusted into this status without any consideration of my feelings or preferences? The last statement/question may seem odd to my readers but for the cross-section of them that fall into my category there is full understanding. I will try to explain to and enlighten the others.

Now in the past my approach has been to be open and (wait for it) HONEST in my profile. I felt it was the best way to go and I still do. What I have been encountering of late is a “boatload of free spirited, alternative lifestyle practicing” creatures. Most of whom fail to point these things out before they approach you. I am conservative when it comes to dating and my personal preferences. If you are into non-traditional things, “more power to you”. I am simply not a good match for you. In my mind “no harm/no foul”. However, I guess these same individuals like to think of themselves as experts in human behavior or they figure they can possibly bring folks into their way of thinking. By NOT disclosing what their true intentions are, they are simply LIARS.I have no time/place for LIARs in my life. Plus, one should NOT have to be deceitful about who they truly are. Unless they feel like who they really are is not acceptable or they are ashamed of themselves.

Honestly no one can really make you be something you are not or explore things you aren’t curious about already. This most recent event just made me aware of how exhausting the process is and that it may be a good time to take a hiatus from the whole-darn-thing for a while. As the holidays approach it is hectic enough. Most do not want to start a new relationship of any sort during this time period. Too much pressure as far as doing the right thing with gift-giving and how best to spend time together during these special times while one is trying to figure out where this person fits into your life/IF they in fact fit into your life. All of these factors point towards, BREAKTIME for me!

My most recent encounter left me dumbfounded. I happily concluded that all we could have ever hoped to be friends, because of these vast differences. It seemed as though this guy was accepting of a simple friendship. Soon after our friendship was established it took on a dark strange twist. Before I deleted and blocked him, I had to tell him that he should re-examine what his definition of “friend” was/is, as well as he may want to update some items on his profile.

Posted in The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , ,
15 May 2024

No One Is Listening

More and more there are the calls which are riddled with pregnant pauses. We have to silently ask why, we used to have so much to say. Yet now the quiet is deafening, and the conversations are forced. You wonder why you even bother to call, soon do you actually stop calling. What happened? How did we get here?

Relationships are in a constant state of evolving. People change without a moment’s notice, but the individuals caught up in the relationship barely notice these changes that are taking place. We become numb and accustomed to behaviors, sights, and sounds. One day we look up and a metamorphosis has occurred, and we are astounded…how did it happen so quickly and unnoticed. You must take into account who these people are that you are in a relationship with.

“They” are the self-proclaimed (whether it is vocalized or not) center of the universe. Nothing going on of interest unless it is directly affecting them. Months will go by before “they” even realize you are NOT talking about what is happening with you. They will happily accept your claim of “nothing”, it is the open door to again ingratiate and embellish themselves.

Eventually you either confront the other party(ies) or you allow what is already taking place to take its natural course. Ironically, it is a smooth transition and will likely go unnoticed. They are so “self-absorbed” that you would be made to feel unreasonable in suggesting their actions were not palatable. Things have been this way for so long you have to work to remind yourself of what is correct. A sort of “Stockholm Syndrome” is a good description of what has happened to you. You must free yourself and in the process, you have to know that you will likely separate from one you believe you have come to know and love.

In our lives, where the pace is fast. The emotions are fleeting. The sounds are faint. Yet you still have to realize that no one is listening. If the sounds or signs were deafening, no one is paying attention. Therefore, all of the happenings go unnoticed. No one is listening.

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15 May 2024

Heart Of Mine

It was just like the first time I laid eyes on him. Your heart does remember. We smiled, we embraced, we laughed and reminisced. Before we knew it five hours had gone by. I thought before we met up I might want something “more” to transpire, by the time we prepared to leave the restaurant I KNEW I wanted something more to happen. Pride, ego and insecurity deprived me of true effort at intimacy or even a kiss to remember.

I AM an ” all-or-nothing” kinda girl… even when I decide I can take less, I will still only take a smidge/an iota less. I am still a hopeless romantic. I know he knows I am a good woman, a good person, a lady. I had to come to grips with the fact that the qualities I had bothered to hone were simply some things he did not want or need. I could try to simplify it by saying he did not want me, but there was far more to it than that.

Decades of being connected and still just out of reach. One might ask, well why do you still reach? As we look at the facts, there is something missing in many of our lives. We exist for love and fulfillment. Once we decide it is here or there, we cannot help but figure out a way to obtain it. Yet there is a stopping point, there is a place where our psyche, ego, pride, common sense say, ” Hmmmm maybe you are reading a little bit more into this than actually is there.”

Happily (or not) I can now say I am in a place where what my dear, lovely friend does is truly irrelevant. I have stumbled into or found myself in a place that allows me to be okay with facts, and comfortable with the acceptance of situations. The two of us will forever be connected on a special friend level. He still says the sweetest things to me, and I take those same sweet words for what they are worth. They are up for interpretation, but they are NOT life altering.

Posted in How We Relate, Quickbits and tagged , | Leave a comment
17 Feb 2024
1 Comment

You Don’t Have To Lie

He liked you. He was attracted to you. However, he had a secret or what we should say here is he deprived you of some very important facts. Let’s get some pretty important information out here from the start, AN OMISSION is STILL a LIE.

IF you cannot have sex but touch a woman, kiss a woman like you want to but fail to divulge the fact you have practically no sex drive, that is dishonest. Having a physical impairment especially a sexual one does NOT always count the chance of a relationship out.

If you reside with a woman who you used to date, but now you are friends…just because you say you have nothing between you does not make it so. Therefore, the new possibility entering in your life should be privy to that info so SHE can decide if this is something she wants to be troubled with, make no mistake this IS trouble.

Somewhere in your conversation you should find the time and a way to disclose you have been incarcerated, even if it was NOT YOUR FAULT. The challenges you face with a prison record should be approach with awareness.

Finally, please stop romancing a woman you merely want to sleep with. We, women can have sex and good sex without being in love with you.

The social creatures that we (people/human beings) are makes us want to have a mate or a significant other. It does not take rocket science for one to know the males of our species seemingly have quite the advantage. I see it readily demonstrated in the way they behave. We, women show them a desperation that confirms their thoughts. We expect nothing and that is exactly what they deliver to us…NOTHING. We accept mediocrity because we know, they know someone else will take what we say we won’t. Therefore, we select something we know is bad versus the possibility of being without. This also is harmful to the men as well, there is no need to improve, when you are going to be accepted in your current state. Talk about privilege.

Economics have complicated living conditions for many people. Loads of us by the luck of the draw have escaped the justice system. Physical and sexual challenges are a reality for humans of a certain age. However, we must ask for, expect, and follow through with what we convey that which is what we really want. Come on what I wrote about is not a far-fetched possibility, it is real. Many of us live with the less than decent results. Let’s make the standard higher for us ALL to reap the benefit of people striving toward the best they can be, rather than doing the bare minimum and still being sought after. For in the end, with low/non-existent expectations, all of us are deprived of the “win”.

Posted in The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged ,
19 Aug 2022
1 Comment

You Sir, Are No Gentleman

I met him about 40 years ago. He was a funny, handsome (by some/many standards), charismatic young man. He was my friend, AND I kept him at-arms-length. I was married but even if I had not been he could not have ever been more than my friend. He was involved in a serious relationship and then there were the others. Oh, how he enjoyed the others. His horrible mantra was “8 to 80 blind, crippled, or crazy…” Now I know one might read this and already think they know my friend. One might wonder how/why I would call him my friend. One might wonder why I am even bothering to write about him. Well, the first thing that must be conveyed is my friend is merely a metaphor for a particular type of man and this is the story of how we can all find ourselves involved with this guy in a fashion one would have been willing to wager, would not/could not happen.

He walked onto the workroom floor in a way that let you know he was trouble. Then he’d flash his smile or pick up a heavy package or hold the door. You’d find yourself thinking and or saying, “You are so sweet”. I laughed as I saw my co-workers fall for him one by one. He had his pick, and he was by no stretch selective. He was an opportunist’s opportunist. Due to his nature, he did try his tactics with me. He did find I was a person of my word. He did not have time to alter who/what he was. There was a plethora of opportunity around, AND they were FAR less trouble. Thus, we became friends. He and I had philosophical discussions of the ills of his behavior, treatment of women, and his disregard of relationships. In my 20’s I pegged him, I also pegged his kinder, more subtle counterpart (the classic wolf in sheep’s clothing). Yet, through-it-all the reality of the situation, was we were all friends.

Years later, miles apart I discovered my friend had passed away from a heart attack. I found out from his counterpart, who continuously denied being anything like his buddy, all the while demonstrating he was exactly the same guy. It was no surprise (to me) that I did end up being personally involved with the “wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing” once I was widowed. I walked into it with my eyes wide open. I did fortunately escape. Even though I did not really want to escape. Nothing would have pleased me more than to be the one that captured the “wolf”. However, because I had been so “close ” to him, I could NOT ignore the signs.

As I fast forward, as I look at yet another archetype…I do wonder HOW I found myself involved with a new “wolf”! Too old, too smart, too sophisticated, too experienced for such nonsense to take place…yet it did. I can happily and not so happily say, I got out with minimal damage. I cannot help but send out the warning. It is as in all situations, someone doing something bad makes it hard for a righteous person or one trying to do the right thing. Somewhere out there a true gentleman, a true romantic, a truly good guy will have to be subject to scrutiny and suspicion Additionally, possible good relationships will be jeopardized and ultimately fail because of these bad actors and the need to protect our hearts, souls and purses. Be safe out there ladies, the wolves walk among us. They can appear to be sweet, chivalrous, good, kind, and yes church-going-fellows…BUT they are by no stretch GENTLEMEN.

Posted in How We Relate, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , ,

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