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Archive for the category “How We Relate”

15 Feb 2014

Assigning Blame and Finding Justice

So you have been wronged, what now? What will make you feel better? I would say nothing short of getting exactly what YOU think would be fair. However in the real world, the world that advertises the impartiality of justice, but practices a subjective interpretation of that same justice, the likelihood of you being completely satisfied is slim .

Here we are once again with a high-racially charged profile trial; The Florida Case of Michael Dunn accused of killing 17 year old Jordan Davis. Manipulated by the press and media in all forms, we are being taken on a guided tour of our fears, insecurities, and anger. Each of us asks, “What on Earth are these jurors missing, Why can’t they see what any half -wit can see?”I blame/give credit to the media for playing “us” like the ratings experts they are.

Lets go for fear to start with; in a trial where race IS factored in, as in this case, the group who the victim belongs to feels like,” If justice is not served we will see an upsurge of this behavior for there is no consequence. While the counterpart thinks,” This is the way it is and one must accept it”.

Our insecurities come into play asking,” What do we do, how do we react now that this has happened and if the system fails us, AGAIN” Counterparts,” This one has to get through, but how many more will? How do we keep THIS system in check?”

Finally, anger rears it’s head and is ready for a fight. Armed with that anger nothing is impossible, it is fueled for war. Yet you must realize it oftentimes charged with the energy of emotion there is little room for logic and common sense. “We are NOT going to stand for this treatment”, says one side while the other side say, ” We are prepared to fight”.

In another life perhaps I would have liked to have been an attorney, for I love the law and am fascinated by it. I respect the law and realize I DO NOT UNDERSTAND ALL ASPECTS OF IT. However, I do possess the ability to read, understand and think. I have to trust the system and give the benefit of the doubt to the jury, that they have these same characteristics available to them as well.

Admittedly, I do exist in the “racial divide”. I don’t want to, but I am neither naive or stupid. I am however, HOPEFUL. I do not walk around with a perpetual “chip-on-my-shoulder”, but I do not exist with blinders over my eyes either. I can say I have happily found a place that keeps me residing in that HOPEFUL state, but every-so-often I get a visit from unfair, sometimes injustice invades my space.”They” are not always going to go away quietly, but then again neither am I.

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11 Nov 2013

Someone You Used To Know

An old friend of mine got married the other day and it got me to thinking. Now let me elaborate some, the old friend was an ex-love and the other day was well about 35 + years ago. I have to say the marriage was a hurtful thing, because I wanted to be the one to marry him. I was fully engulfed in a major case of “puppy love” with the side effect of believing even a Pyrrhic Victory would be fulfilling. Years later I would discover I wasn’t right in my thinking, and as genuine as I thought my love was it passed. The marriage ended rather quickly. I married another and life went on. I still see and communicate with my “friend” and admittedly I smile about the way I felt about him and the closeness that meant so much to ME. I also get a bit of satisfaction out of knowing the universe manages to get things right. He and I were not suited for one another, and forcing that issue could have been a disaster. Instead we now can sit and talk and laugh, because we are friends with no undertone and no expectations.

Who is out there like this for you? The “ex” you thought you’d end up with, the “ex” you are relieved you didn’t end up with or the “ex” you kinda forgot about. Some how you run into a reminder, a photo or even them in the flesh.  If they cross your mind you wonder how you’ll feel, if they cross your path you wonder how/why you will react. If there is a rise, they clearly have NOT gotten to the place of which is the subject of this piece.

Perhaps your current situation is relate-able. Think about options in life in general; if given the choice of being demoted or being terminated, what would you do. First you have to take ego out of the equation, but in reality the equation is non-existent without ego.  I mean having a job but being embarrassed and disgraced by loosing your title, versus being embarrassed , disgraced, and broke. This is seemingly a “no-brainer”. Yet, I do understand and in my youth I may have chosen to appear tough and say, “Fire me, huh I quit!!!” Youth has the uncanny ability to make us overlook less important things, like common sense and acquisition of knowledge.

Then I fast forward to the real inspiration for this short piece. I looked at pictures of someone who we thought could have fit easily into our family, but it was not meant to be. I see a radiant smile on her face, loving family surrounding her, the dress, and I am truly happy for her.  She deserves “happy”. Remember the universe gets things right. Sometimes no matter how much WE think we know what should and should not be, human beings are “tried and true” mistake makers. As with my experience, life moves on and now there is another who may be the one to replace “the one who might have been”. Time will tell. She is vibrant, charming, smart, talented, and fun, her presence lets me see something in my child I haven’t been privy to before. If this is what the universe has in store, if she is the one… WONDERFUL! My only hope for my children always has been and will be is that they find “happy”, with the one who is equally “happy” with them. If not, there is always room for another in that spot simple labeled “someone I used to know”. .

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04 Oct 2013

Completely Wrong

Thinking about us, human beings, I am forever amazed. Tragic events unfold daily. Someone gets angry in traffic and an all out riot erupts. “Our” House of Representatives sit in Washington D.C with their genitals in their hands while the citizens of the United States of America suffer, trying to place the blame elsewhere. I say,” be responsible, do your job”, but wait it isn’t that easy when you realize that we all are nothing more than high functioning illiterates.

Yes, face it folks there is something wrong with each and everyone of us. In some cases something MAJOR! Press us and disaster is seconds away from happening. How did we get here? Well to my target audience(everybody) there was a time in my life that  some people who we see on the streets today, given the generic title of homeless were not running rampant in the streets. How many individuals have you personally encountered (directly or indirectly) that exhibit behavior that you as a layman would deem worthy of  controlled observation? Realizing that if you can only answer one, most of the population can say the same.

Homeless is an unfair and oversimplified term; it covers former veterans, unemployed, under-medicated, runaways, many individuals whose only common link is they do not have a residence. It angers me. When I was a little girl in Kansas I remember seeing a man who was at that time called a “hobo”, maybe some of you all from Southern Cal remember “Hobo Kelly”? Hobo was endearing,  he rode trains carried a handkerchief knapsack and smiled at you harmlessly. As time moved forward the hobo was no longer endearing as the fight for survival became more and more challenging, the hobo became frightening and dangerous. The term disappeared the individual did not, a simple name change came about and his identity was forever altered.

I think of how I observed children when my kids were young, and how I noticed our society placing individuals with special needs in schools/classrooms with individual who did not have those same challenges. On the one hand you say great, acceptance but on the other maybe there is neglect. Children can be cruel, they say what is on their minds, I wonder if adequate research was done before it was decided a child who is in a wheelchair is going to be okay with self and accepted by others, if you put him or her into an environment where they are going to stand out.  Then if it is okay for the child in the wheelchair what about the child who is not learning at the same rate. We try to sugar coat the world, but the truth is that child may very well be there, in that seemingly NORMAL environment, because of a lawsuit rather than benevolence. In our fight for NORMAL we may be creating something  dangerous.

What about Sue in the cubicle next to you.  Did you know she was in the throws of yet another divorce, number three, and she has been on xanax so long she takes them like vitamins? Oh course not she comes to work, she does her job, and doesn’t bother anyone, that is as long as she takes her meds. Joe who is a recovering alcoholic has lunch with Sam everyday, he knows Sam needs help because Joe has been there. However, Sam is in denial Sam is great at what he does and Sam is the boss. Does this sound familiar, could these people be people you work with?

The children, the co-workers, the homeless; we have become so insensitive to our fellow man because we are all wrapped up in problems of our own, and we don’t realize how messed up we all are because we have to function and go on. That’ my point. One of my favorite sayings, “nothing is completely wrong, even a stopped clock is right twice a day”. Oh how I found renewed hope when I read that, but now practically everything is digital so when a clock stops working the screen goes blank. I hope that is not what has happened to us in the “community of man”.  I know better, I know we are not at the point of completely wrong. After all, we are still making watches and clocks with dials.

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06 Sep 2013
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Casualties

When you think of a casualty what is the first thing that comes to mind? This writer connects it to war and loss. Well there are many types of wars and even more types of loss.

As we age our relationships and connections change, they evolve at an astounding rate. Perhaps we notice the changes more so because of what we are preoccupied with, CHANGE. I was reviewing photos and articles surrounding the March on Washington and came across  something that “blew my mind”.  There is so much amazing and rich history surrounding that event that one should not be surprised at what they see, but fifty years ago I was not quite 4 years old. Alive but not aware of the world outside the protective walls of my home and the arms of my parents.

There in the midst of my scrolling through pages I came across a shot of James Baldwin, he was flanked by what was considered “Hollywood Royalty” . I sighed and wished that people cared about one another again. I wished that we could look outside our own personal needs. Then I symbolically shook myself; I had to go back to that photo when I realized who I saw in that same photo and I had to confirm it. There he was James Baldwin small, in stature only, with Marlon Brando on one side and Charleton Heston on the other.  Gun toting, “they can pry it from my cold dead hand” , NRA poster boy, Charleton Heston! Now I grew up with Charleton Heston attached to the image of Moses; surely you cannot play a good man, a man of God like Charleton Heston did, and not be “good”.  However in adult life I saw another side of Mr. Heston, and I didn’t like it or HIM anymore. After learning of his politics and affiliations with the NRA and his stance on guns, as much as I LOVED ” The Ten Commandment” I could never quite view the film the same.

I asked myself what happened to the man who was pictured attending and participating in an event that screamed to the United States of America and alerted world JUSTICE, EQUALITY, and FREEDOM must be for all or none truly possess it. The first thing that came to mind was he got old, a casualty of age. He was not unique for if we are fortunate enough to continue living, age will take prisoners of us all from one aspect or another. Yet we eliminate or overlook the positive aspect of aging, we look on and fear loss of the familiar.

You see it all around; in politics it is especially clear, we put these people in office because they “SAY” they understand us and know what we want and need. Adamantly insisting “THEY” will deliver. “THEY” lie, practically(I am being generous here) all of “THEM”. Once they have secured their position they go about and pursue their own agenda and at the top of that list is to make sure “THEY” have all “THEY”want need and desire… and we look on with shock and anger.

I wanted to be amazed by Charleton Heston, but then I realized I actually knew about him and the March on Washington. I had chosen to have selective amnesia, I could pull it off because I am becoming a part of the group I refer to as “older”. There it was my built in excuse.  My conscious would not allow me to overlook the fact things that I exuberantly sought out in my 20’s have now somehow lessened on my priority list in my 50’s.

Today I want to challenge you to think beyond yourself; think of your children and grandchildren, remember being younger having hopes and dreams. Think of what or who came into your young life and tried to bash the gifts of your youth for no apparent reason. Gather those thoughts and look at them closely; recall (and admit to it) thinking “old bastard” and know now someone sees that in you when you get ugly especially.  On the flip side to the younger folks who read this, if you are fortunate, your day is coming; the next gray haired individual you cut off in traffic, chose to use offensive language in the presence of with NO regard, the very image/representation of your parent or grandparent today, WILL be you tomorrow. Keep having hopes and dreams of something beyond YOU. Resist becoming a casualty.

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26 Aug 2013
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Say, Uncle…

“Say, Uncle” is a tribute to another all important male figure in a child’s life. First this is not going to cover each unique family situation, there are exceptions to ever rule. I am going to use examples  from personal experiences and observations, hopefully in a manner that will allow my readers to take and exchange for their own.

We all have a favorite relative outside the immediate family; here I am going to use the term favorite as simply an expression of blind admiration, be it grandparent, cousin, aunt, or uncle. One of these people simply connects with you in a way that make you feel special, and therefore they in turn are special to you.

Watching my son with his first and only niece over these past few years took me back to my childhood where I recalled my uncles. My family was large on both sides, I had 10 uncles. I had the serious one, the fun one, the mysterious one, the mean one and the one you barely knew. Each of my uncles fell into one of those categories or a slight variation. Without the benefit of the internet and cell phones, if you had a relative in a place not close enough to travel by car or walk to, you were very limited in contact. Holidays and special occasions were truly special. While there was a great presence of my family nearby, there were several that lived a good distances away.  The funny thing about a favorite though, they manage to make you recall, remember and cherish them as if no time or space existed between you.

“Uncle Bud”was that guy for me. Although as life allows you to see flaws in things(i.e. my belief he was so special and only I had the benefit of seeing this fact), I realize he was not exclusively “my” favorite uncle. As my cousins and I have talked, he actually held that title in a number of our eyes. He was a truly special guy to have kids of his own and to manage to make his brothers’ kids all think he was the greatest man other than their own dad, well that is quite a feat. He gave me a large amount of money for my graduation gift, BUT what meant more than anything else was he came to California to be there and on top of that and stayed for a week. Just for me. I remember every dinner, sitting on the front porch laughing and talking, and his cigars.  Now I think and thought cigars the most horrible. smelly, vile, nauseating things; BUT when it came to Uncle Bud, they were just a part of who he was, they didn’t even cause me to blink. He passed away many years ago, but I can always remember him with a smile on my face and warmth in my heart. He was loved dearly.

I believe my granddaughter will have the feelings I had for my Uncle Bud for her Uncle Tio. The moniker was given to him by his brother, of whom he is very close to. I cannot tell you how many times people with command of the Spanish language and those who possess a very limited knowledge of it, tell us” you know you are saying Uncle Uncle.” We laugh as we have over they years when we talk of how people constantly ask what the “J” stands for(his name is JAY). At three his niece knows Uncle Tio IS Jay. He cradled her clumsily, as his brother did, on day one of her life on Earth. He colors with her, reads stories, dances to her Disney Movies, tosses her into the air to her delight, and shares his pizza. As she demonstrated the will of a three year old, he stood firm and made her sit quietly until she relinquished that she must do what Uncle Tio tells her to do and listen. A midst quite dramatic tears, she gave in and moments later all was forgiven and forgotten. Being a single 20 something man, who wants to make sure his niece knows of his involvement and love for her, makes him stand out. I cannot explain this completely; yet I know I am seeing it more and more, that’s a good thing. Pay attention in the mall, at doctor’s offices, and in photos on facebook; you may see that all important doting uncle standing by, on guard, with a toddler in tow or in arms.

In childhood games “Say Uncle” is used as a command to demonstrate who was in control; my “Say, Uncle” is an outcry to the fellows with nieces and nephews who need to know that there are other men in this world, outside their immediate family and besides their fathers, who will be present in their lives in a positive fashion.

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24 Aug 2013
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Coming To Terms And Finding Balance

Early mornings when it is dark and quiet, thoughts are free to float about in your mind. Many people will not have this experience for numerous reasons the most obvious being, they simply aren’t morning folk.  After 36 years of pre-dawn starts, it is my norm.

I was reading a nice story about reconnecting and it made me smile. The story was of a siblings finding one another after 30 years! Exciting right; but if you have lost touch with someone it will bring a bit of melancholy to you whether or not this separation was intentional.

Everything in our lives works or doesn’t because we are in a state that puts us at unrest. We search for a mate, we search for a job, we search for dinner; none of these are impossible to obtain, it is just we are confused about the combinations of what factors will give us satisfaction and ultimately end our search. We want to reach the “finish line”.

Anticipation or exhaustion, you have gotten to your limit. Now that you have made this determination you must live with it, and that may be easier said than done. Here is where finding balance comes in. I tag myself notorious for “thinking things through, and generally I am convinced of just that. However, I also have to note those well thought through, deliberate notions do not always have staying power.

They (deliberate notions) are well thought out for the short-term and disguised as long-term decisions. They say,” Absolutely, my decision, I can live with this”. Five, Thirteen, Twenty-Five years down the line when the only thing that has seemingly changed is you, are you still gonna say,” you can live with it” and remember why it was you made that statement in the first place.

What do you say? It sounds good, feels good, looks good to be representative of something that is beyond a top-surface. Yet in reality, we all know it takes a little bit more of your entire being to really demonstrate ones actual heart. Doing things with conviction versus having an ulterior motive may be the best gauge you have available to you, so govern yourself accordingly. Don’t do things for reaction or results in this/these instance(s), sometimes it may not be what you expect or want. The balance will come if you are truly putting something of real value into what you hope to convey.  Remember, “You get what you give.”

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24 Aug 2013

Lovin You..Tests Me Every Day

I think of Minnie Ripperton’s song “Lovin You” so this post has a theme song and if you read on the melody will be the same but the words will totally change.

Let me address the critics who will comb through my title and take me verbatim;  words like all every, never, always.. Well we know that the absolute is not intended they are for uses that addresses the extreme, to amplify seriousness, or to imply how very widespread the thought is. That said, love and loving is a wonderful thing. We love our parents, our spouses, our children, our friends, our siblings and the subsections of each. That is a lotta love. When I talk about tests, one might look at this as a challenge, a difficulty, or simply something to get through.

Most people don’t like test and the interpretation might be a lotta love = a lotta work. Well what of it? I mean haven’t you ever taken a test and done well on it. Think about how you felt then and apply it to love.

My 3 year old granddaughter is becoming increasingly active; at first I was up for the challenge of keeping up, now I must admit it is more difficult than I allowed myself to believe. At times I feel bad because I just don’t want to do anything but rest, and I worry that she will begin to equate me with the notion of people and places you’d just NOT rather be around. All this because I cannot always keep up with someone who is, in short a dynamo! I tell myself it is okay if we skip Monkey Joe’s this weekend and we opt for the Merry-Go-Round at the mall.

What about you parents of teens. The budding adults, who want to be treated with respect and given freedoms. All the while, leaving wet towels in their bedrooms and dirty dishes in the sink. Did they miss the part about responsibility going hand and hand with being treated more like an adult. Here you are a virtual germ-a-phobe living under the same roof as “Pig-Pen”.  You prep for “warfare” verbal or physical, meaning you clean up or yell at them to do what they knew they should do in the first place.  Aren’t you tested, it doesn’t mean you love this child of yours any less, just that a particular part of them tests your very being.

Just for fun let’s toss in some sibling rivalry, spouse relations, and aging parents; I will leave those out there for you to decipher. Tell me if you don’t think love tests you and I leave you with the reminder that the song of Minnie Ripperton, which I referenced in the beginning, ends with a tribute to her daughter Miya(you hear her name over and over) whose crying was testing her very talented parent.

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05 Aug 2013

“L’eh Me Splain Sumthin Lucy”

For anyone who has never seen an episode of “I Love Lucy” no matter how unlikely that may be; this title is taken from a line a very familiar character, her husband on and off screen at the time, delivered with his slightly exaggerated accent. Therefore this is my lead into a discussion on race.

I watched the news and saw reactions from the Sports World in regards to yet another young player who got caught on video being” human”. Arguably,  he said something stupid, mean, hurtful, insensitive, I could go on. Riley Cooper spurned a debate in my life between the” old die-hard radical” and the “flower child,”read into that comparison what you will.  Nearing the Diamond Jubilee Anniversary of life on this planet affords one some very strong, documented, validated reasoning and opinions. It does not however counteract or even dilute the hopes of one junior in chronology, armed with merely a half century + of exposure and experiences. One says, “It will never change, all the years I have been here shows it”. The other says,” It can change, it is changing, and I believe I will see the reality of that change in my lifetime.

He said,”Well it just figures”.  I did not tell him young Riley was born and bred in Oklahoma, which would have immediately brought forth the reminder of the 1921 Tulsa Race Riots. I said,” I do believe he is sorry”. Ground-work laid for the healthy, vigorous debate. Before we could get started, after my statement, the smirk and eyes rolling up into his head demonstrated what he thought of MY opinion already. I continued in spite of this though. I do not always think with my heart and emotions as certain individuals would have you believe, for I know this young NFL wide-receiver, apology noted and accepted by HIS teammates, is going to have a LONG season ahead of him to say the least! He will undoubtedly be subject to dirty hits, funny looks, and biased judgement for what he said in a fit of anger with the aid of alcohol. We as a society have a long way to go with race relations, but we do tend to overt displays of this unsavory behavior; John Rocker, Kerry Collins, Mel Gibson, Michael Richards can all attest to this.

However to be fair history has made many folks, senior to our group, draw the conclusions this particular counter part of mine has drawn.  He said,” How many times have I told you how they act when they have a little liquor in them. The truth comes out.” As I listened and reflected on how what came out of HIS mouth sounded very familiar; it sounded as though it was coming from a racist, just like ones of whom he detests.

While one element in our society grows tired of hearing about race, the other side of the coin says it is ALL about race, and even though both are extreme I welcome the fact race is coming up at all, for it is at the very least birthing dialogue.  This dialogue is not going to be all niceties and proper, for the subject is ugly and violent reaction would be expected (NOTE: I said violent reaction NOT violence). However, when the smoke clears perhaps some real work and solutions can come forth. We cannot continue to ignore that status of race relations in this country. It is clear that leaving the subject alone doesn’t make it  get better or even go away and die; it hides, festers and pops out mutated and stronger than before.

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27 Jul 2013
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The Birth Of A Prince(or Princess)

Such a special occasion, a time of celebration and excitement. The fact that you are there makes it that much more cherished. After months of waiting, hours of labor finally this tiny helpless being arrives. He arrives unaware that there are millions anticipating, for all he needs is the love and comfort of two. As they gather to get a first glimpse of a face that is going to change so much in the days to come, his appearance is admired by his awestruck parents who find him simply perfect. No truer words were ever spoken than when the Duchess of Cambridge offered,” Any family knows how we feel”. Profound, no but it was refreshing to see a side of so-called ROYALTY that was just normal and human.

Here we are at the threshold or even in the throws of our new stage of parenting; grandparents. We anticipate their arrival from the time they enter the world, to the weekly visits and overnight adventures. We watch closely and contribute our knowledge and experience to our children regarding their upbringing, where requested and allowed. Sometimes even when our pearls of wisdom are not so welcomed, we offer them anyway. We adore these little beings of whom we are free to love and spoil, but send home for the “hard stuff”. Charmed and beloved, they are our little princes and princesses.

As you travel into this wondrous land which may require you to be in the public eye, be mindful and careful that all who encounter your little angel(s) may not recognize who they clearly are to you. Remember you have the benefit of being an insider, you have known them from the start and what you see is the whole picture not a momentary temper tantrum.

During those less than pleasant times all others will see is yet another spoiled brat misbehaving. Expect nothing more than that. Try not to impose upon others and in turn you can enjoy time with “your little royals” in a calm leisurely manner. The most important lesson you can learn is this; the next time you see a little one writhing on the floor in your favorite department store or hear a scream in a clam quiet environment,  rest assured with the knowledge there is some little prince or princess in disguise nearby and they simply forgot they were not alone.

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18 Jun 2013

Bittersweet

This is about trying to understand what life has in store for you and where you stand. I want you to live forever; as long as you can live the way I know makes you, you. If you knew tomorrow was your last day on Earth what would you differently? Moreover, what would you do?

I watched as yet another display of anger came spewing out. I am so close it is hard to remain silent and indifferent, but you know what you know. When you are in a no win situation do you really get any comfort in,”Well at least I said what was on my mind”? Anger possesses characteristics of a disease; it eats away at you, it builds on weakness, and finally if it is allowed to go untreated it destroys.

I thought about my own hurt and anger. I have been challenged this June. I try to stay positive, but there are moments that no matter what I tell myself I just want to cry. I feel the tears well and burn in my eyes, the lump forms in my throat. I believe the only one who can make me feel better is no longer around and I hurt some more. Indulge me as I lament.

However, this is called “Bittersweet”, I have to bring something light, positive and uplifting to this and make a connection. Trust me this is a task, because I am wallowing. Living each day as though it were your last and you knew as much. My friends on the west coast reminded me of summer jazz concerts, I had to go back to the days of the ones held in San Diego, they of course were talking about the ones held annually at the Hollywood Bowl. There was talk of dancing in the aisles, great music, good food, and strangers sharing their “whatever”. That made me smile, I recalled the sharing.

In a big crowd of people, who don’t know one another, the common link makes them feel like, “I want to connect with whomever I get in the area of”. Our human antennae go up and we are sensitive to what is around us; there is so much around us that we don’t know where to start our search, it makes us want to dance and sing and connect. Then there is the intimate setting of your home watching her favorite Disney cartoon; her favorite song plays and she beckons, no she insists you get up and dance with her, without a second thought you do what she wants, because she gets you, you are as elated as she is, you are connected .

We have all traveled down these roads before and undoubtedly will make more  trips before our life on this planet is over. I have long since gotten beyond being angry at God for taking precious wonderful beings away from me, now I have to work on being able to cope with the lonely aching that is certain to follow. The void for these dear ones, that only they themselves can fill.  One solution may come in the form of being sure to go ahead and immerse yourself in loved ones and happy moments, in order to have something to draw from later.

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