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“PEARL”

Travelling back..decades I remember this amazing ,classy looking lady I worked with. Her hair was flawless and silver gray. She moved through the halls with a take charge attitude and her high stepping was a well rehearsed dance. Anyone who saw her had to take notice, even a twenty year old like myself.” Pearl” made you stop and say to yourself,” She is HOW old?”

The men young and old fantasized about her, the women young and old envied her. Pearl was a force. She was kind and polite, but underneath, you knew she knew she was a HOT NUMBER! “Pearl” had a head -turning strut, but you could see her sitting comfortably with the ” church-ladies” in their lovely hats having a quiet tea

The moment I saw her I knew I wanted to be her, one day. Again, I was 20, that meant something, especially to the twenty-something generation. Immersed in the “I can do anything/I’m gonna live forever”  culture. Pearl was a pleasant distraction but I was/we were YOUNG! How could I ever know that saying/thinking “I want to be her one day..” would entail much more than mimicking a look. Why would I care.

Fast forward; what we NOW are is young-at heart, but the image of beautiful , beautiful “Pearl” is still embedded in my mind. That silver-gray hair is now mine. Though it could be easily remedied I chose to keep it embrace it show it off.I have, after all earned each and every sparking-shining strand on my head. I hear from my contemporaries as well as younger folks,” see if my hair would gray like that….” I smile a wry smile thinking, “As though I have a say in that process.”

I keep active, although it takes more effort than before. How many days does laying in bed seem/ feel/ sound far more appealing than get up/ get dressed/ and go sweat it off at the gym. And honestly I have fallen into the” bed culture”. The return is far more difficult than the maintain. Yet,  today I have a reminder, a goal in mind. I have to get to my “Pearl“status.

Terminally Yours

From diagnosis through the final transition you have to know you will be involved in a triangle relationship; you, the person you love/care about, and the disease.

In an out-of-body type experience I watch the interaction. I see the frustration on my face in spite of the effort being made to hide that very thing. I hear the comments that remind me of a record that is scratched as it skips and repeats. There are no classes that prepare you for what you are going through or of that which is to come. Your interaction will be as different as the individual whom you are going through it with. This cruel process which will ultimately only leave you with more bad feeling than good.

The day begins sometimes before day “breaks”. You are tired, but YOU are needed. You cannot think, yet you find yourself thinking too much. Seemingly nothing is right; the food, the climate in the house and if it was okay yesterday, today it is not. You look at the being taking the place of your loved one, sometimes there is a flicker of what used to be. You cannot focus on that too long either. The needs must be me. Clasp the imaginary rag between your teeth and bare the anguish. Yours is physical and mental.

I suggest patience, compassion, and empathy even when you feel as if you are going to implode. Constantly remind yourself it is the condition/disease, not the one you love and care about. Be forgiving not only to that person, but to yourself. The day shall come when the day to day process you are experiencing will end. I wish i could tell you that it will then be better, but I cannot. I can only tell you it will be different and another part of the journey/process will begin.

Steppin Out

Are you ready? I sit in paradise not quite knowing what to do. With self or just about anything else. I gravitate to that which is familiar. I suppose I am scared and confused. Not cowering in the corner scared, but scare just the same. Confusion that keeps me sticking with what I am absolutely sure of and then I still look back for  even more reassurance.

What is needed, in my opinion, is absolution for that which is utterly unpredictable. My chest STILL feels heavy and my eyes well with tears as I  attempt to skate passed the feeling that went through me less than two years ago. That which I will NEVER get over; I would say I still don’t believe, but NOTHING is farther from the truth. I know. That is why I still want something to make me believe in some way it all does make sense..that there truly is a reason.

Now I am placed in a spot that requires me to get right back up and do something I have not done in decades. It provides me with the promise of nothing but if you sit still too long, it will pass me by. I ask,” What is it? What am I missing if it  does pass me by?”

I know I make myself totally unapproachable and then wonder why I am not approached. Like I said scared but not cowering. I set myself for this NOT to work. I am not ready, but I also do not want to remain in this current location.

I see myself replicating another widow I was very close to. A widow I said should have moved on, because there was life left. That widow was my mother. She was 54 when my dad passed away. There was an 11 year age difference. She was 82 when she departed this life. I remember her saying,” I’m just not happy” near the end. Maybe there was some  other happy waiting for her, but she shut the door on it.

60

HappyBirthdayToMe. For longer than I can remember, October 4th has signaled my entry into this world. For the times I can remember I have anticipated, been elated, been surprised and yes sometimes disappointed by the arrival of this day.

However, I love October 4th we have a long standing love-affair. We only see one another once a year, but I am still glad to see the day. I am a child of Autumn. Living in the south has brought meaning back to that. The return of the cooler temperatures, the colors of  red and orange and gold and brown fitting together in a harmonious pattern. The fragrances of cinnamon, apples, pumpkins signal the gateway to the holidays is rapidly approaching.

Where does that leave me? When I started this blog a DECADE ago, I did not think about this year. I was dealing what was right in front of me. I told myself, “Well 50 isn’t so bad. I am not in too terrible of shape.” Getting older may NOT be as bad as it appears, in the media or in real life. Truthfully, it was alright. I was approaching retirement, my first grandchild was on her way, and I decided no more rinsing the gray away!

A decade later, hair is as natural as can be no chemical and no color, my granddaughter is on her way to celebrating her first decade of this life and my retirement..well I have CHOSEN NOT to quit work. At least not just yet.

Things I have written about, adjusting, decision making, taking oneself too serious have a different look 10 years later. I can look back 5 years and see an astounding change in what my entire life looks like, I can look back a year and feel the overwhelming affects of  some of those same changes. As I strive to do what I believe will work for me..Living In The Now, I cautiously glance back at what I will leave behind as I navigate through this thing called LIFE. It PAINS me to abandon the familiar, if only for a moment. In my heart I know I will NEVER completely do this but I also know in order to go on, I must separate myself from the past, my past. It is  NOT easy.

Loss and abandonment; ones/things we MUST leave behind, ones/things we have chosen to leave behind. So many changes that it is hard to keep up with and digest. Lets face it if we don’t keep up we become less and less relevant, then we are easier to forget. The OTHERS start to put us in the background because they see us moving in that direction. We slow down LIFE continues at IT’S pace.

60 when thought of in mph is NOT exactly slow; so I am having to remind myself I MUST put forth more effort now, just to keep up. This year when I close my eyes to blow out the candles can you guess what my wish will be?

Watching Them Go

As I try not to be dark, I go over in my head all of the losses I have suffered in the past three years. I hope that I can help others as they go through this process.

The diagnosis came almost 2 years ago. The treatment began after several  assessments(medical insurance and providers may vary and have an impact) in January 2018. August 2019 I am watching death come slowly and methodically. Ravaging the external body as it has certainly been doing internally. This is a cruel process for all parties concerned.

Physically; all that is being done is keeping the pain away.  Timed disbursements of medications. We do return to our infancy, reliant on someone else to care for our basic needs. However, the progression in in the reverse.There is no conversation, I merely talk or don’t talk for awareness and comfort on both our parts. I reflect on The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

I am sad, angry and depressed. I sometimes sit because I cannot move, paralyzed by the overwhelming sense of helplessness. I sometimes wander..aimlessly because I do not know what to do or how to feel. I don’t eat or I over eat. My concentration is indescribable.

I have to remain calm and controlled. I MUST be conscious and observant. I have to report changes I notice because this determines level of care. I am not a doctor, nurse or medical professional; yet I am charged with doing what these professionals DO NOT RECOMMEND FOR THEMSELVES “caring for a loved one”. Sometimes hearing the words that must come out of my mouth astound me. I take my mind/ myself away from the situation at hand, but as I return the emotions take over and I “lose it”.

TRUTH.. you really do NOT know what you are capable of until you are forced to face “difficulty”. Try to truly live in the NOW; Life is random and unpredictable, and YES life goes on.

Look At You

Every selfie I take, every Marco Polo video I record, every face-time image has to be rehearsed and “make-up has to be called in to freshen me up and make sure I look just right. This lighting, that angle…  Really? Sounds more like some performer prepping for a role or televised interview. I am sharing and talking to my friends and loved ones; don’t they know, aren’t they supposed to realize that I am real and not some plastic, photo-shopped image created to represent what someone defines as beautiful? Of course THEY do, question is do I?

What has happened to us, is we have been flooded… Inundated with 24 hour media. Let’s be real, if you know someone else is watching you really can’t be yourself. Can you? We have all become models and actors, many of us without the benefits of the coaches, directors, and special effects people. Are you really brave enough to go LIVE and truly be in the moment. The answer is undoubtedly yes..wait is my make-up right?

So at 2 :15 a.m 11:15p.m Pacific time my CPAP machine strapped to my face, hair in my silk scarf, The High Chapparral on my television. I see a message from one of my west coast buddies and I accidently select record. OooWeee what a sight. Truth is I should be sleep, I have a severe case of  asleep apnea and I cannot rest comfortably without taking those ritual precautions to insure something close to sleep occurs. Is it something I want the world to see, do I want my friends to see it ? No and No. But if that happens what you view when I accidentally hit record is exactly what my condition looks like.

Now consider what your situation is..in reality and then take a moment and simply say to yourself “Look At You” and be alright with what you see.

Nothing Helps

Therapy, grief groups, research into finding a word that describes the never-ending pain. I have tried a lot of things and so far the truth of the matter is, nothing helps At least not for long.. Music is painful, browsing through pictures brings mixed results. Sometimes I spiral into a flood of tears, sometimes it is just the pain of an emptiness.

There is a need for soothing. Barring what is obvious and illogical, what can make people like me feel better? Start with religion and God. Well many like me are angry disappointed and confused with the very idea(s). There are medications. How much can a person sleep or NOT sleep, really? Alcohol/drugs ..aren’t we just substituting one type of pain for what will eventually  be another?

Consciously, I know that I am moving forward. I also know that it takes very little to return me to “square one”. As those around NOT directly affected  look to what is next we are stuck painfully nostalgically looking to what once was or what might have been. We are tough patients for therapy.  Trying to live in the now makes us have to dismiss, in theory, the FACT we once had a child.  Then there is being alone, that is a place I feel most at home with. My thoughts are not always soothing, but there is no one to judge  no one to explain the long moments of silence to. The far away looks towards no place in particular. As strange as this may read to others it is a safe haven for us. It does not last long though, how can it and why would it .

We must get back to the business of living and even though nothing helps, until our time expires we too must go on.

“I Get It And I Am Done”

Have you ever tried to convince someone to do something they may not necessarily want to do? You can have the greatest of intentions, you may even be right. Yet some how some way things always seem difficult or strained. Then after all the planning and juggling and maneuvering, you still end up back where you started.

Landmark birthday alert.. 40 you speak your mind 50 things are great you have made it through many things and you are still upright..here comes 60 the age of intolerance. Screech!!!

Chasing a dream, a relationship, even an idea is far less attractive now, because of the word chase. What happens when you catch that dream. Figure this into your equation, this”whatever” was attempting to escape/elude you that is why you were involved in a chase, and you still goin after it?

Maybe this is a simple misinterpretation, but  then again maybe it is exactly what you think it is. As I see it, things will only deteriorate and eventually something may rupture. Walking away now, you are merely allowing things to take their natural course. This is after all how it should be.

Your intentions may have been nothing but good, but you must have willing participants. No adult enjoys being forced/coerced into doing something that is totally against what they think they want.

Maya Angelou said, “If someone shows you who they are believe them.” Okay so now you must say, ” I get it and now I am done.”