Are you ready? I sit in paradise not quite knowing what to do. With self or just about anything else. I gravitate to that which is familiar. I suppose I am scared and confused. Not cowering in the corner scared, but scare just the same. Confusion that keeps me sticking with what I am absolutely sure of and then I still look back for even more reassurance.
What is needed, in my opinion, is absolution for that which is utterly unpredictable. My chest STILL feels heavy and my eyes well with tears as I attempt to skate passed the feeling that went through me less than two years ago. That which I will NEVER get over; I would say I still don’t believe, but NOTHING is farther from the truth. I know. That is why I still want something to make me believe in some way it all does make sense..that there truly is a reason.
Now I am placed in a spot that requires me to get right back up and do something I have not done in decades. It provides me with the promise of nothing but if you sit still too long, it will pass me by. I ask,” What is it? What am I missing if it does pass me by?”
I know I make myself totally unapproachable and then wonder why I am not approached. Like I said scared but not cowering. I set myself for this NOT to work. I am not ready, but I also do not want to remain in this current location.
I see myself replicating another widow I was very close to. A widow I said should have moved on, because there was life left. That widow was my mother. She was 54 when my dad passed away. There was an 11 year age difference. She was 82 when she departed this life. I remember her saying,” I’m just not happy” near the end. Maybe there was some other happy waiting for her, but she shut the door on it.